Soccer is not really a sport I quite get. You put a bunch of guys on a playing field, two nets and a ball and their goal is to kick their ball into the other teams net. Once they achieve this, the proud striker takes off his shirt, run around like a crazy person pulling faces and climatically ends his celebration by hugging and kissing his team members. Honestly, we gay folk do this all the time and we don’t call it sport! Having to watch all this occurring on a sports field probably could become quite boring if it wasn’t for some players. You see, I recently was sent an e-mail of a certain Christiano Ronaldo and after viewing some of the steamy pictures I can’t wait watching him score a goal. I don’t care whether his team wins or loses; I just want to see Ronaldo take off his shirt, run around flexing his muscles and kissing other guys. But I digress…
In South Africa we celebrate soccer matches with accessories. Normally soccer fans will paint their faces and bodies and/or wear funny things. No not us in South Africa, we also come armed with a secret weapon. It’s called the Vuvuzela. It is plastic, a meter long, brightly colored and is suppose to sound like an elephant if blown correctly. Blown incorrectly it sounds like a goose being raped. Vuvuzelas have been blowing around me for the last couple of days increasing in number and frequency and volume, slowly driving me crazy. Not only are they excessively loud but they are also becoming annoying. In the last couple of days many geese have died gruesome deaths both at my work and at home. I feel like Clarice Starling wanting to know when the lambs will stop screaming! So good luck soccer fans, remember to bring those ear plugs.
Another essential item on the South African soccer fan’s armor is the Makaraka and yes it’s as strange as it sounds. It is a type of helmet, if you can call it that, and it’s purely decorative. It’s a hard hat that has been modified artistically and almost can look like a piece of installation art worn on your head. It’s also accompanied with over sized sunglasses. Some folks have took this a step beyond and modified the Makaraka to be functional as well; you can now also add two beer cans and drink it through a straw thereby leaving your hands free to blow your Vuvuzela. Personally I own neither, and I couldn’t be bothered to wear a Makaraka because it will ruin my hair, besides I leave crazy head pieces to be worn by Lady Gaga.
In less than 24 hours the Soccer World Cup will start and South Africans are prepared. Many have bought their tickets, planned their parties and are keeping their fingers crossed for our national team. Adorned in the colors of the South African flag, protected by their Makarakas and Vuvuzelas in hand thousands will pitch up at the stadiums or community viewing points and enjoy each game. I shall be enjoying watching Mr. Ronaldo and be keeping my fingers crossed that he will make as happy as he is each time he scores a goal.Official Fifa World Cup Song
The Justice Alliance of South Africa (JASA) was established in 2007. The name suggests that it’s a group of legal professionals but in reality this is not the case. This is a fundamentalist right wing religious group that has taken it upon themselves to be the “moral police” of the nation. They are trying to influence government to ban pornography and play God with the rights and lives of the South African people. If this sounds familiar you are not mistaken. Last year a similar situation occurred in Uganda with their proposed Anti-Homosexuality Bill, in Rwanda where they almost brought back anti-homosexuality laws, in Malawi with the sentencing of the gay couple and the violence against homosexuals and aid workers in Kenya. A golden threat is spun through all these events and it’s that of fundamentalist “Christian” groups meddling with these African governments and inciting intolerance and homophobia. First they test the water taking one civil liberty away in the name of morality and once they succeed they go for the jugular.
After I got wind of this JASA and their evil little plot I joined several queers in South Africa in taking action. Numerous e-mails were sent to the appropriate government department intimately involved in this pending malicious attack against our civil liberties. They responded very disrespectfully stating that clearly our value systems differ significantly from theirs and that we should just acknowledge our different views in this regard and leave it at that. In essence they told us “Go fuck yourselves we will do what we want and there’s nothing you can do about it”. Falling short of adding “Turn or Burn and God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve” to their post scriptum, I am quite sure they fully realized where we were going with our e-mails and are aware that we are seeing through their diabolical smoke screen campaign.
You see, apart from wanting to ban porn they also introduced the term “any material deemed inappropriate” which leaves the scope for censorship wide open. Today they ban porn and tomorrow they deem homosexuality “inappropriate” and poof... there goes the legality of my marriage and double poof... my blog is banned and I get arrested! Sounds incredible don’t it? In reality this is a very real possibility and a very real threat. It begs the question, what exactly is it that these people really seek to achieve, are the secretly conspiring to take over the world one African country and one soul at a time or have global warming started to fry the grey matter they supposedly have in their heads? Who knows?
It’s said that pornography constitutes about 70% of the traffic on the Internet. Whether you care to admit it or not many people visit the odd naughty website from time-to-time. Personally the majority of my online time is spent on social networking websites and I do consider myself a professional Facebooker, a lazy Tweeter and an avid blogger. But yes, I too do visit a few “you must be 18 years or older” blogs and websites that would, in all probability, make you blush. To be perfectly honest, if all those sites were to disappear tomorrow I will not go into a frantic panic and end up crying myself to sleep smearing my mascara all over my crisp white sheets. No, I won’t pitch up for work the next day eyes swollen and distraught going through porn withdrawals. However, I would be pissed off as I like the fact that I can watch porn if I wish to do so. If it is banned, I am sure queer folk and straight folk would want to view pornography even more just because they are not allowed and new inventive ways will be found to access it or smuggle it into the country. I am imagining cavity searches becoming a whole lot more interesting and the black market a whole lot more lucrative.
In reality pornography is not the actual issue that motivates the JASA, I suspect their true motive being a whole lot more sinister. Not being one to encourage or perpetuate conspiracy theories one can’t help but wonder and be suspicious off events in Africa over the last three years. State sponsored homophobia is spreading like a wild fire, while in almost all instances the fire was ignited and fanned by religious groups advocating morality, influencing governments and targeting the gay community. Now that fire has reached us. Should gay South Africans be worried?Lady Gaga - Alejandro
For the last month I have been trying to close down a bank account I have in the United Kingdom through Old Mutual International. One would think the process should be rather easy, even straightforward. After all it’s my account and it’s my money. The exercise of closing a bank account in a foreign country is equivalent to applying for a United States VISA while you’re on their international terrorist watch list. In the last month I had to complete several sets of forms.
According to the bank you are homeless and don’t exist until you can proof the contrary. I had to go to great length to show proof of my physical address. All the documents I presented finally convinced them I wasn’t homeless and two weeks later they accepted that I really do exist. All seemed fine until I received a call stating that my signature on one form didn’t look original – I had to come into their offices and sign the form again this time in front of a witness. Seriously, I am not messing with you! Already annoyed due to yet another delay I complied. The following week I received another phone call – the same problem different document! Livid, this time (thinking to those damn people only work on Wednesdays) I made an appointed and went back to their offices.
As I walked into their open plan office my account consultant saw I was in no mood for idle chat. As she placed the document on the desk infront of me she apologized for the inconvenience, I grunted and signed. Before leaving I double checked to make sure this was now indeed the last delay and she reassured me it was. It was no surprise when I phoned them this Monday that I learned that the 5-10 working days, to close the account, now 20 working days later would be another 5-10 working days as from next week Monday -the documents were still being reviewed for authenticity. I lost it!!! “I am not fucking homeless, I am a real fucking human being and all the goddamn signatures on all the forms are mine and bloody original!!! What is the goddamn fucking problem?!” Silence followed. An apologetic and somewhat scared voice broke the silence “Sir... I do apologize... the matter will be escalated to urgent, I’ll phone you on Friday, and once again I do apologize” I hung up.
To further ruin my bliss, I currently also have two mobile phones, one for private use and the other for work. The work phone’s contract is with Nashua Mobile and was due to expire last week and I was not planning on renewing it. At least two month ago I decided to be proactive and contacted the service provider informing them that I don’t plan on continuing the contract. They reassured me the contract would be cancelled. Being a bit anal retentive about a paper trail I insisted on getting this in writing. I was ignored. Numerous phone calls and e-mails later the end of May came and to my disbelief the phone was still working. Quite surprised I phoned the service provider only to be informed they never received my instruction. How convenient, six phone calls and three e-mails later and no one at their company knew I wanted the contract cancelled. All my proactive efforts were for nothing.
As I explained to the voice on the other side of the phone about my “paper trail” it was clear he was not interested as his system was saying “no, contract not cancelled” Clearly his system was more powerful and important than my little e-mails that apparently got lost in the Intrawebs. After telling him I don’t give a rat’s ass what his “system” was saying explaining I had proof, I also had to explain the difference between a computer and a real human being to him. It fell on deaf ears and inevitably I told him to shove his keyboard up his computer’s cooling fan’s vent which seemed to catch his attention. Only then did he finally realize that his liar system meant nothing in my world, he caved and asked me to forward the e-mails I sent previously to him and the contract would be cancelled with immediate effect. My phone is still working; I guess his system still says “NO”!
On Tuesday I learned that one of my favourite gay club called Legends closed its doors and my government is considering banning pornography. The two is not related but both pissed me off. Hubby and I were at that club on Friday and were told they were busy revamping it and we believed them. No wonder the drinks were so damn expensive and the fact that only 10% of the club was actually open and the rest covered behind curtains should have tipped us off.
The news that some religious group presented a draft bill to government proposing pornography is filtered out thereby preventing it from reaching South Africa outraged me. My first thought was what bullshit is this? This group claims to be fighting for the highest moral standards for South Africans and justifies the writing of this bill by claiming it’s to protect children. Can anyone say censorship? If this group is so concerned about morality why don’t they start with our president who allegedly fathered his 21st child, have multiple wives, clearly is promiscuous and not to mention his bastard children? I highly recommend that these self-righteous people focus on religion and leave politics to the politicians and leave my damn Internet alone! Don’t think we don’t know where all of this will end if they succeed: Today they take away our right to watch porn and freedom to information on the Internet, tomorrow they take away our civil rights.
Still traumatized about the club’s demise and the proposed banning of pornography I finally made it home last night being irritable, tired and angry – traffic also didn’t help my mood. I hated the bank, loathed the mobile phone service provider, was sad because the club closed down and angry because my gay rights may be in danger. All I wanted to do is sit on the couch under a warm blanket have a glass of Chardonnay and be left alone.Then my phone rang. It was telemarketer from a bank wanting to give me a credit card which I rudely declined. Ten minutes later my phone rang for a second time and it was another telemarketer this time from a mobile phone company offering me a free phone and a contract. As I impudently tried to explain my mobile phone situation he would have none of that and was insistent that I should hear him out. I lost it! (The language I used cannot be repeated for fear of having to put an adult warning on my blog and maybe having it banned in South Africa).
It’s only Wednesday and my week have been sucking ass, and not in a good way. Maybe I should start attending anger management classes but if I do I am afraid I may hijack the class and could stagger the progress of the other participants. I think I am just a tad bit stressed and in desperate need of a holiday. If I make it to Friday without any further casualties it will be a miracle. Happy thoughts and remembering to breath...Till next time
Miss Swan at a gay bar
As all drag shows go the show started forty five minutes late, which is no surprise as gays can never get any drag show, gay pageant, fashion show or parade started on time. Being delayed hubby and I had a couple of drinks and did some people watching before settling into our seats and patiently waited to be wowed. The show started with an impressive multimedia video with animation, cool graphics and humour that was to set the tone for the rest of the show. With the opening number it soon became clear that Lilly Slapsilli was not the sharpest tool in the shed and she would be the main source of comedic relieve. The introduction of both characters was a fine touch and had the audience immediately buying into the show. The fact that they told us that we were the most attractive audience they had to date also didn’t do any harm, but being the aliens they are I am sure they say that in every galaxy.
Lilly Slapsilli and Kieron Legacy were hilarious in their opening number. Lilly’s girlish obsessive crush on Mr Spock had the audience in stitches to the point that I also had fleeting erotic thoughts of Mr Spock’s pointy little ears. In between a plethora of wardrobe changes we were further amused by video inserts jam packed with quirky comedy sketches and humorous references appealing to all the sci-fi geeks out there. I especially loved the reference to Sigourney Weaver not having made it due to her alien infestation.
Just before the intermission the duo did a stand up comedy bit, which was by far my favourite part of the show. With fast wit and sharp tongues they laid into the audience. I even learned something new– they reason lesbians have short finger nails (quite self explanatory now that I think about it). It was hilarious. As the stand up bit came to an end, my stomach muscles was near collapse as I haven’t been in a gym in ages and all the laughing was just too much exercise for my once six pack gut to bear.
Having seen many drag shows before, I can honestly say Mince and their show is a quantum leap ahead of all the other acts. Should this drag act be in your town I highly recommend taking the time to go say hallo and be entertained by Lilly Slapsilli and Kieron Legacy. One piece of advice: As goes for strip shows, if you are easily embarrassed best to avoid the front row; you will be teased, tantalized and taken the piss out off – all in good fun and good taste of course.Lady Gaga TELEPHONE PARODY! SHERRY VINE!!!
I vividly remember you being quoted as saying during the 1995’s opening of the Zimbabwe International Book Fair, that you considered gays and lesbians to be “lower than dogs and pigs”. At first I thought you were referring to some form of kinky sex - I know how dirty your mind can be sometimes. As you proceeded with your speech my confusion was soon cleared up. During the same speech you were further quoted as saying”I find it extremely outrageous and repugnant to my human conscience that such immoral and repulsive organizations, like those of homosexuals, who offend both against the law of nature and the morals of religious beliefs espoused by our society, should have any advocates in our midst and elsewhere in the world”. This left me vastly disappointed. You screamed all of this in front of a group of school children who were slightly confused. Robert, you did this knowing very well you have been warned against behaving like a tantrum Queen in public as it makes you look like a woman in the midst of a menopausal hot flash. You also knew that all the literate queers would be standing there in owe of your strange, heated and untimely outburst.
In the last 15 years you have ousted many queer folk from your public service, whether it was due to incompetence or fear of sexual harassment law suits, only you would know. Not much seemed to have change regarding your stance on your favorite minority group. This year you and your new BFF (best friends forever) Morgan Tsvangirai reaffirmed that there will never be any rights for gays in Zimbabwe and this will be so for forever and ever. Robert, you don’t like public displays of affection between homosexual, which I understand. Being such a charismatic dictator you understandably fear that seeing two guys hold hands or god forbids kissing, could distract the international community’s attention away from the economic and political crisis in Zimbabwe. And we don’t want that now do we?
Robert, you send your forces out to pillage our porn stashes, you have gay people arrested and encourage Zimbabweans to expose and ostracize homosexuals. One would think that an intelligent man like you would know better. You know that queers don’t hide their porn at their offices or on their office computers – this is a dismissible offence at most workplaces. We stash it at home! Arresting gay people and sending them to prison will not cure them, don’t tell me you don’t know the high rate of homosexual activities in prisons – a bunch of sex deprived men in a confined space, what do you think will happen? Exposing and ostracizing gay people will not deter homosexuality but only cause queers to stay in the closet for longer. Just look around you, that cute bodyguard in his uniform that always checks out your ass when you walk up the stairs, he may be gay and looking for a sugar daddy.
Zimbabwe has loads of problems, most of which you created due to your political and diplomatic brain farst. Now, now Robert don’t feel bad everyone makes mistakes and is allowed a brain fart or two. However, your insistent focus on gay people intrigues me. I am sure you follow the media and should be aware of some of the sex scandals of late. Did you notice how many outspoken male anti-gay figures were caught with their pants down with younger men or rent boys? You have been quite discreet with your own sex life thus far, with the only evidence of you ever having had heterosexual sex being your delightful children. But, have you never even considered once what it could be like in the arms of another man. A big black man, with muscled arms you can submit too for a night of dictatorial carnal pleasure? Come on Robert, be honest. A powerful man like you must at times yearn for the equal attention of another man. A man who doesn’t just see you as dictator but as a sexual being; a man strong enough from whom you can take orders for a change and get tied up with other than political matters. Maybe even get spanked, every now and again, for being a bad boy.
Oh Robert, thou dost protest too much. Let’s be frank, you are not getting any younger and your country is going south like your butt. You’re in your twilight years and should have retired long ago to enjoy the spoils you accumulated over the years. Just imagine lounging next to the pool, in your pink Speedo watching all those hunky pool boys while sipping your Jack Daniels. Let’s put all this nastiness with your anti-gay smut behind us, you don’t have to raid gay activist offices to find porn. The door of the closet is right there within your reach, step out of it– it’s nice out here. If you fear you’re too old to come out and any dreams of leather chaps, lycra tank tops and sequence seem out of reach I have one piece of good news – at least you have money and there are plenty guys out there looking for sugar dictator daddies and there are so few of you around. So don’t fret, the gays are waiting for you and there too is a place for you in our rainbow.
(1) Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real south African driver never uses them.(2) Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
(3) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
(4) Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
(5) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
(6) Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
(7) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'
(8) Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
(9) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
(10) Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
(11) It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.
(12) Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
(13) On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.
Old Lady takes down robbers
Look, I must be honest the last 12 years wasn’t all smooth sailing. We most certainly have had our ups and downs. We even broke up once to “see other people” and that lasted less than a week. Like all couples we have our disagreements and the odd fight and having to compromise on issues either one of us feel strongly about. But at the end of the day it’s all worth it once you find that special someone you are willing to make the effort for.
There are many couples in the gay community that have been together longer than us. There is no secret handbook that tells gay people how to make relationships work. Yet, couples in long term relationships almost seem to be viewed as mystical – knowing something or doing something that helps their relationships last. I often times wonder why this is. Is it because we are less visible in the community? Maybe this is true because as we grow older we tend to go to clubs less, rather opting to spend quiet evenings at home with friends. Not all of us are actively involved in community and we go about our daily business unnoticed. So when do the younger gays ever get to see that it is possible to find your soul mate and that gay relationships can and do last?
In the world of clubbing, sex and drugs when you are young, if I recall my twenties correctly, some queers are into fast love, plenty of sex and parties. I saw many of my single friends have one night stands then thinking they are in love followed by a three month relationship, then growing bored and abruptly ending it. Some lucky ones even made it to a year. The one common denominator I identified was this notion that there might just be someone out there whom may better than the boyfriend/girlfriend they currently had. None of these friends, I believe, were ready to settle down at the time. I remember one friend telling me just after our 4th anniversary that he wished he had what hubby and I have – someone that loved him enough to want to stay with him. The problem was not that “that someone” wouldn’t love him enough but the mere fact that he just wasn’t ready to put in the effort from himself. Now 8 years later, he did find that someone and is willing to make the effort to ensure that his relationship will last.
Madonna 4 Minutes Parody by Sherry Vine (for the mature audience)
Cecillia Munnik was reported to be suing a member of her church in the High Court for R1, 5 million (+/-$200 000), in damages for an incident that occurred in 2007. It’s alleged that her assailant repeatedly kicked her between her legs until she lost consciousness in an attempt to “convert” her to heterosexuality. During the attack profanities was also screamed at Munnik and she was told she was going to hell for being gay and that she was “ungodly”. The queer thing is that both Munnik and her assailant belonged to the same church and supposedly believed in the same God. Yet, Munnik was called an insult to Christianity. This begs the question, whose behaviour in this incident was more Christian like and who truly was an insult to their own religion?
This incident and a few others made me wonder what the true root cause of homophobia is. Is it religion or is there another social source. Most people’s frame of reference when it comes to morality is religion. Your religion will dictate what is morally right or wrong and provide you with some moral compass by which to live your life. Religions, in some cases, are also a convenient excuse when used as a tool to justify institutionalized discrimination. Just look at Uganda with their proposed Anti-Homosexuality Bill. When it’s stated by religious leaders that gays are going to hell, it makes it easier for their followers to commit appalling acts with the premise that they are acting in "God’s will", no matter whether their own actions are also condemned by that same religion. This creates a breeding ground for the bigotry we see emerging every day.
Some people don’t need to use religion as an excuse to be homophobic and display discriminating behaviour. As it goes for racism these people, for some odd reason, believe they are superior to others and gay people are unworthy members of society just like black, coloured and Indian people are seen as subhuman. I have experienced some of this myself. I have too heard certain snickers and insults directed at me, mostly behind my back. For some reason certain people don’t have the balls to confront you when they are not supported by a group of people. A few years ago, I had to have a tire fixed and everything was going well. After the tire was fixed and I paid for the repairs and the transaction could no longer be reversed I heard the first homophobic slur made about me by an employee there. It was a hushed taunt and slanderous comment supposedly not audible enough for me to hear – but I did. Apparently, my money was good enough there but as a gay person I wasn’t and this faggot should go back to his part of town. Needless to say, this faggot did not leave it there, and after the incident was reported to their head office I was refunded and received a written apology.
Not all people are homophobic by nature. There are people whose ignorance and lack of knowledge about the gay community promotes their lack of sensitivity and understanding. These are the individuals who are most vulnerable to the influence of unscrupulous groups who fuels homophobia and hate. These are the same groups that make straight people believe that my marriage in some strange way will destroy their own and that my mere existence poses an immediate threat to their children’s mental and moral health. If you think about it, who do gay people hurt by being gay? Do we start wars over infringements of our human rights? Do we start urban violent terror campaigns when ever our community is wronged? Have you ever heard of a straight bashing? Do we picket religious events stating heterosexuals are abominations, unchristian and should be going to hell? Do we insist on taking away the basic human rights of other people? No, we don’t, our fight for our rights is a mostly peaceful one. All we want is to be treated like everyone else and be afforded the same human rights and level of respect.
Having many heterosexual friends I can honestly say there are three kinds of heterosexuals – those who hate you to your face (like the Christian lady who assaulted the lesbian), the ones that hates you behind your back (the tire repair store employee) and the ones that don’t give a rats ass who you sleep with and respects you for who you are. Yes, there are many bigots out there, some sitting in the pews of their church on a Sunday, and others in a store assisting you and some are even world leaders. These are the people that give religion a bad name, make politics a dirty business and at times cause many gay people to wonder what their straight friends really think about our lifestyle.Hedda Lettuce - Lady Gaga Bad Romance Parody (for the mature audience)
a firestorm of controversy ignited by a same-sex wedding announcement in the local newspaper. It really made me sit up and think, made me sad at times, angry and also gave me hope. Any homosexual who have ever been told "It would have been better not to be born", you should watch this film. Homophobia may still be rife, but always know you are not alone. You are part of our community where you are loved and special no matter what ignorant people may say or do.
My husband and I have been asked many times whether we have considered having children. Quite a queer question if you think about it; we can’t have kids the natural way and believe me we try. If we want kids we would either have to adopt or make use of a surrogate. The plus side of using a surrogate is the fact that we can have a child that’s biologically ours without having to ruin either one of our figures. The decision to have children is quite a difficult one as for us queer folk it would entail loads of red tape and paperwork unlike our heterosexual counterparts who only have to have a night of marital bliss for a bun to be cooking in the oven. The concept of having children and the yearning to have them also seem to differ between gay and straight people.
Many times I have heard that once a woman reaches a certain age her biological clocks start ticking. This is a concept I find particularly intriguing. Is there some kind of biological deadline woman have, where she has to accomplish certain things or she will expire like milk? Is this mystical clock on a timer and if she passes her deadline do alarms sound that mockingly calls her a biological failure? In my social circle the deadline for having children appears to be between the magical ages of 30 to 40. After 40 there seems to be some kind expiry date for my female friends’ eggs and the next major deadline to look forward to is menopause. When it comes to my straight male friends I have not come across one that moaned and bitched about their biological clocks as straight men, in some cases, are only limited to two emotions when it comes to procreation – hungry and horny! So if he doesn't have an erection, girls please make him a sandwich.
When it comes to children, I have to be honest – they scare me. I have never been good with small children and they make me nervous. When they look at me with those innocent eyes I can almost swear they are searching for and identifying my weaknesses, plotting and scheming how far they would be able to push me before I will crack. Babies are also no different; the minute one is handed to me it will do one of two things – cry hysterically or throw up on me and most often both will happen. What makes this worse is when the proud mother would say “Ah... she likes you”, and this while I stand there covered in baby spit and the child turning red from screaming. Hubby on the other hand is great with kids and he can command their respect. When he says “No” children tend to listen. When I say “No” the complete opposite happens and what was rowdy before will turn into complete and utter chaos. It is times like this that I am sure my biological clock resets itself to “Never” when it comes to having children.
Having children is a life changing experience and this I have seen with many of my friends. Children truly are a blessing. What concerns me is the fact that a child does not come with a complete instruction manual and when they are broken you can’t take them back and ask for a refund. It’s a lifelong investment and not a cheap one at that. Children can be the source of great joy and also be the source of great headaches. Having been a tremendously difficult child to raise, I distinctly remember my mother telling me when I was having one of my classic tantrums during puberty that one day I will have children of my own and payback was going to be a bitch. Whether these words somewhat influenced my current decision for not wanting children I don’t know. When I do have children of my own, one day, I am sure many of my mother’s prophetic words will come back to haunt me and her favourite words “I gave life to you and I can take it away!” may just one day cross my lips when my child makes me angry.
With the majority of our friends, of a certain age, busy contemplating have children, trying to fall pregnant or being “with child” I feel no particular rush to get knocked-up or to knock-up hubby. We will not be renting a womb or be searching Africa for a child. For now we are quite content being Fairy Godparents and when our godchildren get difficult returning them home to their respective parents. This is not to say we have permanently closed the door to parenthood, we may still be open to the idea – check in again with us when we are forty.Gay Education
