You can't make stuff like this up!

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction and nowhere else is this truer than in African politics. Africa is a queer and remarkable continent where its politicians continuously find ingenious ways to make us regular folks sit back and wonder what the hell they have been smoking. This week was no different as some newspaper articles had me laughing so hard I momentarily lost bladder control and others made me question whether God really has favourites when it comes to political parties. You cannot make this shit up, so sit back and be prepared to be astonished.

Malawi (you know that little speck on the African continent made famous by the Queen of Pop for adopting a new fashion accessory who then ended up not being an orphan after all) is about to approve new legislation that will make farting in public illegal. Yes, braking wind in public will result in you getting a criminal record and could even see you getting some jail time. Also to be made illegal by this new legislation are the serious criminal acts of impersonating a fortune teller, insulting the modesty of a woman, challenging someone to a duel and trespassing on a burial place. All serious and legitimate violations and acts only demonstrated by the most diabolical of criminal minds and the most vicious of delinquent offenders.

Yes, I can see how the discourteous act of farting in public can lead to societal moral collapse. After all bodily functions are the source of all the great evils in the world and are something any educated nation knows should be controlled by governmental legislation. Here is a country that’s got their priorities straight, a nation that stands for clean air, support their real soothsayers, respect women and sacred places and a country that encourages straightforward murder rather than a protracted boring dual. What a breath of fresh air that is, but how on earth are they going to enforce this?

If you are arrested for farting will there be a trial, how will it be proven and how much reliance will be placed on forensic evidence? Will there be harsher punishments for louder fowler farts and will there be mitigating circumstances or instances of aggravating considerations? Who knows, I guess we will have to wait and see for Malawi versus Farting Offender #01, and I hope it’s not you!

Closer to home the South African President during a political rally over the weekend was quoted as saying voting for the ruling party (African National Congress – ANC) will ensure you a place in heaven and voting for the opposition is a vote for the Devil (specifically the Prada wearing Devil Helen Zille). Naturally, after the media and wicked doing opposition parties berated him for this, the official response was that he was and I quote “misquoted”. Strange, seeing as just a couple of months prior he was also quoted as saying the ANC will rule until Jesus comes and leaving the ANC will result in you falling sick and dying. It boggles the mind how many times one man can be misquoted on the same topic that is religion – I guess the media still fails to grasp his ever shifting context.

I never knew God and the angels in heaven were invested in earthly politics. One would think their fight for our salvation transcends worldly toils, but I guess I am mistaken. I find it appropriate to repeat that according to the South African President there is a special place for the ruling party supporters in heaven and only the coming of Jesus will end their reign. I wonder how Jesus feels about this, do you think he knows and do you think he cares? Does this mean that if you are a Jew, Hindu, Muslim or god forbid an Atheist who don’t believe in Jesus, the second coming or the Christian Heaven you are screwed and don’t need to bother to vote? Does this mean the Devil herself is out to get the ANC and that the biblical battle on earth is not about good and evil but actually a political one with South Africa being the epicentre of what will determine the fate of all humanity? How on earth was this significantly important fact omitted from the Bible or are we missing the Chapter – The Book of Zuma? But either way thank you for clearing this up for us Mr President, I am glad that God is on your side, just make sure the voices that you are hearing in your head are in fact that of angels and not ones that requires medication.

Yes, Africa is truly one queer place with politicians and some governments providing us with more than our fare share of material to chuckle at, be amazed with and make fun off. Why they insist on setting themselves up to be mocked in this way is anybody’s guess. Sure, I have been somewhat facetious criticising two of our African leaders, but hey, farting should hardly be criminalized and assuming that God supports one political party is just plain ignorant. I say it’s time to tackle the real issues facing Africa and our respective countries, stop wasting time with frivolous nonsense and stop assuming our people the voters are stupid. Deal with the real issues, stop deceiving your citizens, stop threatening and intimidating people with religion and start behaving like the leaders you are suppose to be. Grow up you’re Presidents and not comedians so at least make a better effort to come across as such!

Laws Should Not Prohibit Love

On December 28, 2009, police officers arrested Steven Monjeza, 26, and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, 20, at their home, charging them under Sections 153 and 156 of the Malawian penal code for "unnatural offences" and "indecent practices between males." These arrests occurred two days after Steven and Tiwonge conducted a traditional engagement ceremony attended by family and friends in Chileka, Blantyre, an event that was widely reported in the Malawian press.

On January 6, 2010, they were taken to Queen Elizabeth Central Hospital, where Tiwonge was forced to undergo a medical examination, including an anal exam, to confirm the sodomy charges. IGLHRC sees this as a violation of the rights to dignity and privacy in the Malawian Constitution and such exams have been shown to have no forensic value. The following day, both Steven and Tiwonge were subjected to psychiatric evaluation.

They are now being held in Chichiri Prison in Blantyre and bail has repeatedly been denied. Despite critical constitutional and other legal issues raised by their lawyers in the High Court and appeals to the Chief Justice to have the case heard as a Constitutional Court issue, the criminal trial continues. If found guilty, they face imprisonment for up to 14 years with hard labor.

Their arrest, mistreatment and continued detention violate Malawian constitutional guarantees to equality and freedoms of association, conscience, opinion and expression as well as regional and international non-discrimination and privacy provisions. Malawi's Constitution specifically prohibits, and guarantees equal and effective protection from, discrimination on a number of grounds including "race, sex....or other status." Despite these various protections, the two remain incarcerated in Chichiri Prison in Blantyre where they await judgement scheduled for March 22, 2010. (International Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Comission)

Join the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission in sending cards and letters to Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, who have been imprisoned in Malawi on criminal charges of "unnatural offenses" and "indecent practices between males" after their traditional engagement ceremony. They are awaiting judgment in their case on March 22, 2010. These cards will show Steven and Tiwonge—and relevant authorities—that the international community is watching and stands in solidarity with them.

Contact Information:

Tiwonge Chimbalanga, Chichiri Prison, P.O. Box 30117, Chichiri, Blantyre, Malawi
Steven Monjeza, Chichiri Prison, P.O. Box 30117, Chichiri, Blantyre, Malawi

Dirty Business

Having just survived another African Democratic Election, I am relieved and slightly blue. All the build up and sometimes dirty political campaigns created great expectations of change and a new political landscape. Many political parties were actively wooing the gay & lesbian vote, with promises of putting openly gay politicians in high profile positions. After having casted my vote the final result have now been announced, leaving me asking myself the question - since when have politics become more about political whoring and slander than actually selling of policies and clean politics?
Earlier this week I was quite perturbed about the fact that many GLBT community members showed apathy towards participating in the elections. Like any self respecting homosexual with a keen sense of activism I ranted and raved about this issue on the Internet to the point of nauseating myself. Whether my rants ushered a few homosexuals into the elections queues, I am not sure, but I sure hope it did.
For the past few months the run up to the elections was fraught with controversy. Our president was impeached, the biggest political party appeared to split with another party being born as a result and charges of fraud and corruption was dropped against our soon to be new president. In our country you are innocent until proven guilty, but if you are a politician your are guilty until proven innocent. So whether our new president actually is a criminal has now become immaterial (most of our political leaders have spent some time in jail as political prisoners, so a prison wrap sheet is essential in our government).
When we heard that Madonna wanted to adopt another African child, most of us in South Africa became very excited. You see we have a politician associated with the youth league of a prominent political party. The guy who can no longer be considered to be youthful still acts like a naughty little child and his public mutterings are as embarrassing as the inappropriate references made by a child at family dinners. So we prayed Madonna would leave Malawi, come to South Africa and adopt our problem child, but she never did! Damn you Madonna!!! Julius would have made a nice contribution to your family and you are the only woman, I believe, who could have taught Julius some manners.

Like all elections all our street lamps had a mosaic of political campaign posters, all boring as hell. The radio and television adds were uninspired and underwhelming. When it came to speeches the whoring and slander started. Politicians, in my opinion, behaved like red light district prostitutes trying to solicit voters with the equivalent of political sex talk. They will love you for a long time (5 years to be exact) for a small fee of 2 little crosses on 2 big papers. They highlighted their opponent’s flaws and over emphasizing how going to bed with their competitors will darken your future (no pun intended!). At the end of the day it came down to some mudslinging and wrestling and not the sexy kind!

On voting day my husband and I decided to join the lunch time voters – big mistake! We stood in what felt like an endless queue for 2 hours. In front of us were 2 young and irritating girls who kept on talking about boyfriends, gossiped about their friends and acting their age. They said they jogged everyday, but by judging on how big their behinds were, I am sure the only jogging they did was between the fridge and the couch. Behind us was a nice straight couple with a little 2 year old boy who did not think queuing for the elections were fun. The poor child cried for most of the 2 hours (reminding me why I am not quite ready to adopt a child).

My vote went to the political party I believe will work the hardest for me and my country, the one party I was willing to climb into bed with. The outcome of the elections wasn't very much of a surprise to any of us, but the small victories came as a pleasant glimmer of hope. Many political parties failed to make their mark during the elections and many have been wiped off the political map. Their whoring was not good enough and some are sulking they didn’t have enough funds. Politics is a dirty business! This year’s elections were a hard fought one, but I am disappointed in many politicians for how they chose to run their campaigns. The days of clean politics appear to me to have taken a back seat this year, but with all the whoring and slander it sure was a fun election campaign to watch and participate in. Thank god for democracy!

Till next time.

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