Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Y2Gay - It's Coming!

We all remember how bad Y2K was. Well reinforce your doors and stock your cupboards, because it's happening all over again. Get down to your bunker and prepare yourself for Y2GAY.

Monday, February 21, 2011

God Hates Fags and now Hackers Too?

A recent article published on Queerty titled "Westboro Responds To Anonymous: God Hates Fags, And Hackers Now Too!" reminded me of this article I wrote about this psychotic bunch of inbreds.  Seeing as I am going in for my operation this week and consequently won't be of much use in front of the computer I decided to republish it.  There are some truly crazy people out there in the world, but the Phelps Family takes the cherry on top of the crazy cake!
The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) and their official website http://www.godhatesfags.com/ have been known to me for some time. It wasn’t until recently that their website and the hatred they preach awakened the activist in me. I decided to send them a message through their website and their response was reflective of their delusional and fanatical rhetoric which I found shocking as they clearly have lost the plot. After doing some research on the Church and their leader Fred Phelps, I was left wondering why anti-gay propaganda and violence inspiring hate speech are still allowed in the USA and for that matter anywhere else in the world.
Fred Phelps and his family have been running their “Church” since 1955. Both Fred and the rest of his family have quite a dodgy past with several criminal charges filed against them. Their church consists of approximately 71 members with 80% of the members being the Phelps family. They have taken it upon themselves to preach the “Word of God” to the world and according to them everyone is going to hell! God hates everyone including several countries but especially “Faggots” and “Fag-Enablers” (people who support homosexuals). They favour the word “Faggot” over the word “Gay” and have a long explanation on their website on this issue. They also come armed with several bible texts to support their claim. They also picket military funerals, funerals of people who have died of AIDS or gay bashings and religious event of Jews and Muslims. At all these events they carry signs reading God Hates Fags, Death Penalty for Fags, Your Son’s in Hell, God Hates America, Thank God for 9/11 and I could go on. After reading some of the tripe written on their website, I must admit I did look out my window searching for rain clouds as I was sure God was going to strike me dead with lightning because, according to them, I am such an abomination and sinner and God really hates me and his wrath could befall me any second!
The most entertaining of the bunch is Shirley Phelps-Roper who is the official spokes person for their loony family church. Watching interviews with her she displays a distinct lack of fashion, fear of hair product and make-up – maybe God hates cosmetic products as well. She looks as frightening as the words she spits from her mouth. She speaks with conviction of how God hates everybody and I also noticed she likes using the words “missy” and “bimbo” quite frequently in interviews. This makes her sound like the bible study teacher from hell! Looking like a scary witch I would love to see her go one-on-one with a Drag Queen discussion the issue of sodomy. I can just picture the head bobbing, finger waving and hilarious statements, references and rebuttals; I would pay good money to be a spectator as someone definitely will physically get hurt by the Old Testament.
The next generation of the Phelps family is just as scary and crazy. They too have the Paris and Nicky Hiltons in the Phelps family. The 2 blonds (whose names I will not mention) most certainly isn’t very bright and their education stems mostly from their cult like family upbringing. They disguise their festering hatred towards everything Non-Phelps behind peroxide, makeup and cute Hilton inspired outfits – maybe they should give Aunt Shirley some fashion and beauty tips if God allows it. The frightening things is Fred Phelps is turning 90, admittedly he will not live very long but his legacy and preaching of hatred will continue through his indoctrinated off spring. His voice will still be heard from beyond the grave whether he’s in heaven or in hell. According to him hell is going to be very congested so if he ends up there I hope he made reservations.

I firmly believe that all people should have freedom of speech but the line can easily be crossed as we have seen so many times before. Clearly, in my opinion, the WBC and the Phelps family are raping their freedom of speech and they are spreading hate speech. They are specifically targeting the homosexual community and innocent people who do not deserve to be disrespected at their own funerals. The Phelps family is causing harm and emotional distress to people who have done nothing wrong and they should be stopped. The United Kingdom is one country, I am aware off, that has banned the Phelps family from entering it. At least their citizens are safe until they go on the Internet.

If what the Phelps family and the WBC are saying is true we are all condemned to hell, and now hackers are too and most countries are doomed. Hell will be bursting from it seems with all the Homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, Black People, Soldiers and the list goes on. Not being partial to excessively warm temperatures and with no bursting desire to meet Lucifer I would prefer to stay out of hell. In the real world where people talk sense, are rational and can distinguish between right and wrong, I will do whatever I can to help the fight against the WBC and the Phelps family. I will fully support people and groups who protest against their delusional cult like tactic, tripe they spew and lies they spread. I hope you join me in this endeavour. It only takes one person to make a difference, let that one person be you!
Till next time!

Shirley Phelps-Roper on Fox News

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What Don’t You Like About Yourself?

In a week’s time I will be going under the knife and I am slightly nervous. You see I am getting minor elective surgery meaning that it’s not in the true medical sense “necessary” but for me it is and not because it is simply considered “de rigueur”. It’s something that has been bothering me now for years, has been getting progressively worse over time and is, to some degree, adversely affecting my self-esteem. On the eve, so to speak, of not only getting braces I’m also getting plastic surgery and now having publicly announced it, I couldn’t help but wonder why some people still view cosmetic surgery as a taboo and why people lie about it? Is it something to be ashamed off?
My loyal readers (all 10 of you) know that I started with Botox when I turned 30. It was a conscious decision I made and one I am happy with. Sure my ability to frown or look sufficiently surprised have been traded for a smooth brow with visibly absent frown lines and wrinkles; a low price to pay to keep the signs of ageing at bay as certain facial expressions are highly overrated anyway. Some may view this as vanity but I call it proactive maintenance. But for many years (the last 8 to be exact) there have been something that troubled me, something I managed to efficiently hide with the right products, sunglasses and Photoshop until recently. A month ago I decided that I had enough and made the choice to have the dark fatigue trenches under my eyes removed, surgically and permanently!

Again you may call this vanity, but allow me to explain. Twice during the last 3 years I have been asked whether somebody punched me – my dark circles under my eyes have become that bad! Until about a year ago I managed to conceal 80% of it with my special Yves Saint Laurent magic makeup combo. But I have now reached the point where trying to cover up my raccoon eyes takes me longer than shaving, getting dressed and doing my hair combined and with all that effort I now only manage to conceal about 30%.  I know I am not hideous looking but I am becoming increasingly self-conscious about it so I discussed the matter with my doctor during my last Botox treatment and she suggested surgery. Other treatments she could offer would only be temporary and the results would proof lacking to meet my expectations. So it was off to the plastic surgeon’s office.
Sitting at the cosmetic surgeon’s immaculate reception room surrounded by pictures of Grace Kelly, Mae West and Audrey Hepburn, I looked around me at the other prospective patients wondering what they wanted to have nipped, tucked or enlarged. I’m sure they were wondering the same looking at me. Eventually, my turn came and I expected the surgeon’s opening line to be “So what don’t you like about yourself?” a question I could have easily answered both literally and psychoanalytically. But he didn’t ask. Instead, I explained to him I wanted the circles under my eyes erased from my face, he listened attentively and then ushered me into the examination room where he pulled, pressed and stretched my lower eye lids while I was nervously holding a mirror in one hand. At the end of the examination we returned to his office and he proceeded to explain how this miracle surgery would occur.

The circles under my eyes are due to fat glands pressing on the veins under my eyes and this is causing blood to accumulate resulting in its dark appearance. The grotesque effect is further exacerbated by loose skin. The fix, cut out the fat glands and tighten the skin. The catch, the procedure will take 60 to 90 minutes and will be done while I am awake! I will be connected to a drip and administrated a drug called Dormican and then given a local aesthetic. The Dormican will make me sleepy, relaxed and erase all memory of the procedure and when I eventually come too, I will be safely nuzzled in my own bed at home. It sounds freaky I know, but as I was explained this method is becoming more popular for this type of procedure as well as liposuction, nose jobs and a few other surgeries as it’s less traumatic on your body, recovery time is quicker and coincidentally it’s also cheaper. So convinced that if other people have made it through having their eyelids cut open while semi-conscious, didn’t go crazy or sued him (I Googled and Hello Peter’d him after the consultation), I would be fine too. So I scheduled my nip and tuck for next week Wednesday, I have made peace with the fact that it’s going to happen, but I am still shit scared.
Not many people will readily admit getting Botox or are open about getting cosmetic surgery. Writing this blog post I’m also not convinced I’m doing the right thing to so publicly admitting to what I’m planning on having done. But I decided to be open and honest about it. Why start lying to my readers now? The worst that can happen is that people will think I’m vain, superficial, self-obsessed, narcissistic and preoccupied with my appearance and they’d be right, to some degree, all bloggers are some of these things that’s why we blog after all. But in all honesty, I believe that if you don’t like something about yourself, if there is something you can fix that will make you feel better, then why not do something about it? I am going to; I’m not going to lie about it and I will not be ashamed of it. After all I’m doing this for myself with realistic expectations. I’m not expecting a 100% improvement; at this point I’ll be happy with 50%.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Queer Mating Rituals of Heterosexuals

With Swine Flue threatening global health I am also convinced that a more ominous virus is threatening society and especially my social circle. Many of my friends recently ended their relationships and this is starting to feel like a pandemic on its own with the unexpected revelation of a couple of pigs amongst us! Having more single friends now, the majority of which being straight, I have become privy to their queer mating rituals. This left me with an interesting conundrum: Are the mating rituals of heterosexuals and homosexuals so different?All 3 respective breakups were quite traumatic and one theatrical. My male friend’s girl friend broke up with him because he wanted to get married and she wasn’t ready. For some odd reason she changed her mind shortly after and now wants him back; maybe she realized what she lost, but alas it’s too late to reconcile and he’s keeping his sperm for someone else. My female friend learned that her fiancĂ© was cheating on her via a Facebook message and consequent phone call from his mistress - what a horrific way to learn of your partner’s infidelity! Naturally she was devastated and the breakup was vicious! The most recent breakup was another of my female friends whose boyfriend of 2 years and 5 months (she was very specific about the duration) ended their relationship over the phone without any substantial reason. It came as blow to her and she cried for a few days but with the help of a couple of magic prescription pills she has returned to semi-normal functioning. All of them displayed fleeting homicidal tendencies and revengeful thoughts towards their ex’s and with the exception of 1; I firmly believe that their ex’s safely will make it to their next birthdays.
Observing my 3 heterosexual friends enjoying their new found freedom, their mating rituals have become a matter of particular interest. I have noticed that when straight people become single their social life escalates into a frenzied diary of dinners, clubbing, events and drinks - not much unlike that of gay people. The consumption of alcohol also increases substantially! All, in my opinion, to abolish the painful memory and to maybe meet new people that will help them transition into the becoming again who they where before their hearts were ripped out of their chests and trampled on. However, unlike gay people straight people appear to have a peculiar way of selecting their potential mates. I think this is where natural selection comes in – after all heterosexuals have the added burden of having to procreate to sustain the species! It appears as subconsciously, potential mates are ruled out by a process of elimination prescribed by the flaws they exhibit similar to those with whom the hunting heterosexual have had a previous unfortunate encounter. If any potential mate show any sign of weakness, the words “let’s just be friends” will be uttered. I was also surprised to learn that unlike some gay people heterosexuals are also far less promiscuous when forced into the single life – they rather tend to use the promise of sex as a lure to test the potential mate’s persistence and tenacity. Only after they are satisfied of the potential mate's commitment sex will occur and if it’s bad that too can be the death of a potential relationship.
When surviving a breakup most people tend to swear off relationships, as the wounds are still too fresh. This holds true in both the gay and straight community. There is also always the fear that lurks like a shadow behind you of getting hurt again. So both straight and gay people surround themselves with friends and keep socially active. With straight woman I have discovered they are more flirtatious during this stage following a break up maybe due to the need to be wanted and found attractive, but as soon as too much attention comes their way an Ice Queen emerges and the potential suitor are in danger of frostbite. With straight guys the predatory instinct kicks in and testosterone goes into over drive. Spending more time with their straight single buddies reinforces this. However, after a few rejections the guys will go back to being dejected and become overly cautious bordering on shy as not only are their ego’s bruised but similar to their female counterparts their desire to be wanted and found attractive is also not met. So I deduce that heterosexual men and women’s timing must be perfect for a relationship to occur, hence to term coined chemistry! If the man is too early he will face the cold shoulder and if the woman is too aloof she will end up a spinster. But when the timing is just right and both are ready for it chemistry occurs and magic happens!

The mating ritual of homosexuals and heterosexuals are not so different. In many respects a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what your sexual preference. The pain of a breakup is the same and much behaviour following the breakup coincides. The fundamental difference lies in the obvious - the fact that in the gay community we may find it easier to understand our potential mates as we are from the same gender and our approach to potential relationships progress in an easier fashion. With heterosexual the mating dance is more intricate, prolonged and fraught with caution. But the homosexual community need our straight friends to never give up on their pursuit to find a mate and never give up on relationships no matter how badly their hearts have been broken. Time really heals all wounds! So it’s imperative that all my heterosexual friends never loose hope of finding that special person because until homosexuals find the means to naturally procreate, and believe me we try, technology and heterosexuals are our only means to our continued survival!

Till next time.

Margaret Cho - Gay Men Jokes

Friday, February 11, 2011

Born This Way

Lady Gaga's much anticipated single Born This Way was released today. Have a listen and tell me what you think. Is this the new Official Gay Anthem?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You can't make stuff like this up!

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction and nowhere else is this truer than in African politics. Africa is a queer and remarkable continent where its politicians continuously find ingenious ways to make us regular folks sit back and wonder what the hell they have been smoking. This week was no different as some newspaper articles had me laughing so hard I momentarily lost bladder control and others made me question whether God really has favourites when it comes to political parties. You cannot make this shit up, so sit back and be prepared to be astonished.
Malawi (you know that little speck on the African continent made famous by the Queen of Pop for adopting a new fashion accessory who then ended up not being an orphan after all) is about to approve new legislation that will make farting in public illegal. Yes, braking wind in public will result in you getting a criminal record and could even see you getting some jail time. Also to be made illegal by this new legislation are the serious criminal acts of impersonating a fortune teller, insulting the modesty of a woman, challenging someone to a duel and trespassing on a burial place. All serious and legitimate violations and acts only demonstrated by the most diabolical of criminal minds and the most vicious of delinquent offenders.

Yes, I can see how the discourteous act of farting in public can lead to societal moral collapse. After all bodily functions are the source of all the great evils in the world and are something any educated nation knows should be controlled by governmental legislation. Here is a country that’s got their priorities straight, a nation that stands for clean air, support their real soothsayers, respect women and sacred places and a country that encourages straightforward murder rather than a protracted boring dual. What a breath of fresh air that is, but how on earth are they going to enforce this?
If you are arrested for farting will there be a trial, how will it be proven and how much reliance will be placed on forensic evidence? Will there be harsher punishments for louder fowler farts and will there be mitigating circumstances or instances of aggravating considerations? Who knows, I guess we will have to wait and see for Malawi versus Farting Offender #01, and I hope it’s not you!

Closer to home the South African President during a political rally over the weekend was quoted as saying voting for the ruling party (African National Congress – ANC) will ensure you a place in heaven and voting for the opposition is a vote for the Devil (specifically the Prada wearing Devil Helen Zille). Naturally, after the media and wicked doing opposition parties berated him for this, the official response was that he was and I quote “misquoted”. Strange, seeing as just a couple of months prior he was also quoted as saying the ANC will rule until Jesus comes and leaving the ANC will result in you falling sick and dying. It boggles the mind how many times one man can be misquoted on the same topic that is religion – I guess the media still fails to grasp his ever shifting context.
I never knew God and the angels in heaven were invested in earthly politics. One would think their fight for our salvation transcends worldly toils, but I guess I am mistaken. I find it appropriate to repeat that according to the South African President there is a special place for the ruling party supporters in heaven and only the coming of Jesus will end their reign. I wonder how Jesus feels about this, do you think he knows and do you think he cares? Does this mean that if you are a Jew, Hindu, Muslim or god forbid an Atheist who don’t believe in Jesus, the second coming or the Christian Heaven you are screwed and don’t need to bother to vote? Does this mean the Devil herself is out to get the ANC and that the biblical battle on earth is not about good and evil but actually a political one with South Africa being the epicentre of what will determine the fate of all humanity? How on earth was this significantly important fact omitted from the Bible or are we missing the Chapter – The Book of Zuma? But either way thank you for clearing this up for us Mr President, I am glad that God is on your side, just make sure the voices that you are hearing in your head are in fact that of angels and not ones that requires medication.

Yes, Africa is truly one queer place with politicians and some governments providing us with more than our fare share of material to chuckle at, be amazed with and make fun off. Why they insist on setting themselves up to be mocked in this way is anybody’s guess. Sure, I have been somewhat facetious criticising two of our African leaders, but hey, farting should hardly be criminalized and assuming that God supports one political party is just plain ignorant. I say it’s time to tackle the real issues facing Africa and our respective countries, stop wasting time with frivolous nonsense and stop assuming our people the voters are stupid. Deal with the real issues, stop deceiving your citizens, stop threatening and intimidating people with religion and start behaving like the leaders you are suppose to be. Grow up you’re Presidents and not comedians so at least make a better effort to come across as such!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Egypt – Days of Rage

Having been to Egypt twice and admittedly having a soft spot for the country and its people, I have been following the Egyptian Revolution closely. Inspired by the successful uprising in Tunisia, Egyptians took to the streets last week protesting poverty, rampant unemployment, government corruption and the 30 year autocratic governance of President Hosni Mubarak. With protests turning violent and the death toll currently standing at over 300 and rising, Mubarak refusing to relinquish power before September, and the rest of the world watching in horror as violent clashes are broadcast over the news, I thought it appropriate to sit back and examine my own opinion on the turn of events.
With my first visit to Egypt, I was expectedly overwhelmed by the breadth of history and culture of the country. A nation with thousands of years of history, monuments, temples and pyramids symbolic of a nation steeped in mystery, a people who are resourceful and understatedly passionate. Watching images on CNN over the last few days, I saw places that I have been and even some people I have met and I saw the usual organized bustle replaced with chaos and violence. Watching the images on television I was haunted by the words I heard 4 years ago “One day the Egyptian people will have had enough of Mubarak and we will stand up and fight” and that day came!

During the last 30 years Mubarak became increasingly unpopular being uncomfortable bed fellows with the likes of Israel and the US and were perceived as serving the interest of the West and not that of the Egyptian people. A view that also seemed to have permeated through to the Arab world. Throw in oppression, poverty, abuse of power and torture and no matter how patient a nation is, a point will be reached when the pot will boil over. A nation can only be oppressed for so long before the cracks will start to show and power will shift.
For many the Egyptian Revolution brings a sense of discomfort as the perceived status qou have been disrupted. Allies are uncertain of their future relations with Egypt; fear the strengthening of the Arab world and the radicalization of Muslims. The West’s strongest Arab ally is about to transform and uncertainty is gnawing at their already tested nerves. And as the whole world watches political and economical fallout seems to overshadow the actual plight and fight of the Egyptian people.

We far too often forget about the human aspects of violent revolutions. We forget that the people we see being tear gassed, shot at and run over by tanks or trucks are someone’s brother, father, son or grandchild. We neglect to understand the history and oppression on a grass root level and how the people protesting have been affected in their daily lives and what drove them the boiling point they find themselves. We speculate about their futures and our governments try to influence the outcome in favour of their own political agendas, and this in my opinion is wrong.
Egypt is a country with so much more to offer than pyramids and temples. Sure this is one of the reasons people visit the country as tourism is one of the larger contributors to its economy. When I read reports of Egyptians protecting and warding off looters at libraries, museums and temples in Cairo, Luxor and Alexandria, I once again came to realize that the true value of that country is its people - People amidst violent chaos risking their own lives to preserve and protect their heritage and culture. People who are proud, patriotic and passionate.

Egypt is facing a precarious and volatile time. As the protest gets more violent and more people are killed and injured and as Mubarak is systematically ousted a void will need to be filled. New leaders will emerge and whether they will be nationalist or Islamist, civilian or military is anybody’s guess and everybody’s concern. Whatever happens in Egypt in the following days and months to come is sure to make and leave a large impact on the region. Similar protest have broken out in Yemen and said to soon spread to Jordan. I believe nations should not interfere unduly in these protest and provide Egypt and similarly other affected countries the opportunity for their own people to resolve their issues. We as the voyeurs to this historic event in Egypt’s history should be mindful of our responsibility as well – making sure it is accurately documented, people survive it with dignity and applying an uneasy patience of which so many of us are unaccustomed too.
As the Egyptian Protests (also being referred to as Days of Rage, the Papyrus Revolution and the Lotus Revolution) continues, let our thoughts be with the people living through what can only be described as frightening and let’s not forget their humanity. I, for one, am looking forward to again visit Egypt sometime in the near future and to be with its people but the next time finding them free and living in a democracy.

Till next time.

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