Monday, May 31, 2010

Going where no man has gone before

This past Friday I attended a drag show aptly titled Quantum Mince. Pumped, plucked and full of parody Quantum Mince documents Lilly Slapsilli and Kieron Legacy’s epic journey back from Minceonia to planet earth. After 40 years frozen in an isolation tank on their spaceship the Minceonator they are awakened; as they thaw, after freezing their tits off, they are updated on the past years happenings. Strange earthlings we know as stars are introduced to the Diva Astronaut to the great amusement of the audience.
As all drag shows go the show started forty five minutes late, which is no surprise as gays can never get any drag show, gay pageant, fashion show or parade started on time. Being delayed hubby and I had a couple of drinks and did some people watching before settling into our seats and patiently waited to be wowed. The show started with an impressive multimedia video with animation, cool graphics and humour that was to set the tone for the rest of the show. With the opening number it soon became clear that Lilly Slapsilli was not the sharpest tool in the shed and she would be the main source of comedic relieve. The introduction of both characters was a fine touch and had the audience immediately buying into the show. The fact that they told us that we were the most attractive audience they had to date also didn’t do any harm, but being the aliens they are I am sure they say that in every galaxy.
Lilly Slapsilli and Kieron Legacy were hilarious in their opening number. Lilly’s girlish obsessive crush on Mr Spock had the audience in stitches to the point that I also had fleeting erotic thoughts of Mr Spock’s pointy little ears. In between a plethora of wardrobe changes we were further amused by video inserts jam packed with quirky comedy sketches and humorous references appealing to all the sci-fi geeks out there. I especially loved the reference to Sigourney Weaver not having made it due to her alien infestation.

It must be difficult to come up with creative ideas for any drag show, as most drag shows seem to be a virtual washing machine of recycled ideas. Mince did an excellent job in this department. Apart from incorporating well thought out songs into their show with the perfect accompanying wardrobe, their inventive use of multimedia and their subtle use of props was all very refreshing. Who would have thought incorporating dancing ponytails could add so much humour to a normally lacklustre yodelling act. Some of the props they used were very well hidden and had me speculate how and where the glitter, bridal bouquet, microphones and many more oddities were stashed, shoved or strapped. It’s astounding how many things a drag queen can hide underneath her frock, so outer space customs officials beware.
Just before the intermission the duo did a stand up comedy bit, which was by far my favourite part of the show. With fast wit and sharp tongues they laid into the audience. I even learned something new– they reason lesbians have short finger nails (quite self explanatory now that I think about it). It was hilarious. As the stand up bit came to an end, my stomach muscles was near collapse as I haven’t been in a gym in ages and all the laughing was just too much exercise for my once six pack gut to bear.

As the second part of the show started I must say I was perturbed by the one act of Kieron Legacy. At one point her/his left testicle was on the verge of making an unwanted guest appearance. Every time a high kick was done or an open legged squat was preformed Kieron’s scrotum was revealed more and more and I was bracing myself for the exposing of “the ball”. I was unfortunate enough to be a member of an audience where such an incident occurred once before and the performer finished her song, one testicle hanging out unbeknown to the drag artist – it was all very traumatising! Thank goodness this didn’t happen here. As the show winded down, I can honestly say it was quite an experience. The ending was a slight anti-climax but it sure was worth the ride on the Minceonator. The show was a professional production with no technical glitches and both performers hit each mark with flawless perfection and perfect comedic timing; Mince has formulated a winning recipe that will keep audiences entertained for many years to come.
Having seen many drag shows before, I can honestly say Mince and their show is a quantum leap ahead of all the other acts. Should this drag act be in your town I highly recommend taking the time to go say hallo and be entertained by Lilly Slapsilli and Kieron Legacy. One piece of advice: As goes for strip shows, if you are easily embarrassed best to avoid the front row; you will be teased, tantalized and taken the piss out off – all in good fun and good taste of course.
Till next time.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Dear Robert Mugabe

On Friday your police force raided the Gays and Lesbians of Zimbabwe’s offices searching for “indecent material” and drugs. Consequently, two gay activists were arrested and kept in jail over the weekend without access to their lawyer. Robert, I know how much you secretly love us queer folk but your expression of affection leaves much to be desired. I know you are getting old and your mind and body may not be as fresh as it once were, but isn’t it time you clear you human conscience and come out with your true feelings about homosexuality?
I vividly remember you being quoted as saying during the 1995’s opening of the Zimbabwe International Book Fair, that you considered gays and lesbians to be “lower than dogs and pigs”. At first I thought you were referring to some form of kinky sex - I know how dirty your mind can be sometimes. As you proceeded with your speech my confusion was soon cleared up. During the same speech you were further quoted as saying”I find it extremely outrageous and repugnant to my human conscience that such immoral and repulsive organizations, like those of homosexuals, who offend both against the law of nature and the morals of religious beliefs espoused by our society, should have any advocates in our midst and elsewhere in the world”. This left me vastly disappointed. You screamed all of this in front of a group of school children who were slightly confused. Robert, you did this knowing very well you have been warned against behaving like a tantrum Queen in public as it makes you look like a woman in the midst of a menopausal hot flash. You also knew that all the literate queers would be standing there in owe of your strange, heated and untimely outburst.
In the last 15 years you have ousted many queer folk from your public service, whether it was due to incompetence or fear of sexual harassment law suits, only you would know. Not much seemed to have change regarding your stance on your favorite minority group. This year you and your new BFF (best friends forever) Morgan Tsvangirai reaffirmed that there will never be any rights for gays in Zimbabwe and this will be so for forever and ever. Robert, you don’t like public displays of affection between homosexual, which I understand. Being such a charismatic dictator you understandably fear that seeing two guys hold hands or god forbids kissing, could distract the international community’s attention away from the economic and political crisis in Zimbabwe. And we don’t want that now do we?
Robert, you send your forces out to pillage our porn stashes, you have gay people arrested and encourage Zimbabweans to expose and ostracize homosexuals. One would think that an intelligent man like you would know better. You know that queers don’t hide their porn at their offices or on their office computers – this is a dismissible offence at most workplaces. We stash it at home! Arresting gay people and sending them to prison will not cure them, don’t tell me you don’t know the high rate of homosexual activities in prisons – a bunch of sex deprived men in a confined space, what do you think will happen? Exposing and ostracizing gay people will not deter homosexuality but only cause queers to stay in the closet for longer. Just look around you, that cute bodyguard in his uniform that always checks out your ass when you walk up the stairs, he may be gay and looking for a sugar daddy.
Zimbabwe has loads of problems, most of which you created due to your political and diplomatic brain farst. Now, now Robert don’t feel bad everyone makes mistakes and is allowed a brain fart or two. However, your insistent focus on gay people intrigues me. I am sure you follow the media and should be aware of some of the sex scandals of late. Did you notice how many outspoken male anti-gay figures were caught with their pants down with younger men or rent boys? You have been quite discreet with your own sex life thus far, with the only evidence of you ever having had heterosexual sex being your delightful children. But, have you never even considered once what it could be like in the arms of another man. A big black man, with muscled arms you can submit too for a night of dictatorial carnal pleasure? Come on Robert, be honest. A powerful man like you must at times yearn for the equal attention of another man. A man who doesn’t just see you as dictator but as a sexual being; a man strong enough from whom you can take orders for a change and get tied up with other than political matters. Maybe even get spanked, every now and again, for being a bad boy.
Oh Robert, thou dost protest too much. Let’s be frank, you are not getting any younger and your country is going south like your butt. You’re in your twilight years and should have retired long ago to enjoy the spoils you accumulated over the years. Just imagine lounging next to the pool, in your pink Speedo watching all those hunky pool boys while sipping your Jack Daniels. Let’s put all this nastiness with your anti-gay smut behind us, you don’t have to raid gay activist offices to find porn. The door of the closet is right there within your reach, step out of it– it’s nice out here. If you fear you’re too old to come out and any dreams of leather chaps, lycra tank tops and sequence seem out of reach I have one piece of good news – at least you have money and there are plenty guys out there looking for sugar dictator daddies and there are so few of you around. So don’t fret, the gays are waiting for you and there too is a place for you in our rainbow.

Till next time luv ;-)

Yup it's time for the THE BIG FAT GAY COLLAB!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Rules for Driving in South Africa

With the 2010 Soccer World Cup less than 3 weeks away, we are bracing ourselves for the influx our tourists. Yesterday I received an e-mail that I found hilarious because it's mostly true. Here are important rules all tourist should know about driving in South Africa.

(1) Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real south African driver never uses them.

(2) Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

(3) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

(4) Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

(5) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

(6) Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

(7) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'

(8) Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

(9) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

(10) Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.

(11) It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.

(12) Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

(13) On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.

Old Lady takes down robbers

Friday, May 21, 2010

12 Year Anniversary (That’s like 20 in straight years)

Today is our 12 year anniversary, that’s like 20 in straight years. Gosh, I can’t believe hubby and I have been together for so long – we must be getting old! I received many well wishes today. Many said “congratulation you guys set a good example”. After reading some of the e-mails I started to wonder, are we the exception rather than the rule in the gay community? Is it that rare to find gay couples in committed relationships that actually last?

Look, I must be honest the last 12 years wasn’t all smooth sailing. We most certainly have had our ups and downs. We even broke up once to “see other people” and that lasted less than a week. Like all couples we have our disagreements and the odd fight and having to compromise on issues either one of us feel strongly about. But at the end of the day it’s all worth it once you find that special someone you are willing to make the effort for.

In all relationships, once you pass a certain point you start behaving like an old married couple. Trust me; this happens without you even knowing. You start finishing each other’s sentences, reacting in the same way and making the same agreeable noises at the same time during conversations or watching television. You bicker in shops about groceries or at the nursery about what plants you want in your garden. Get irritated when there is one ice cube left in the tray and hubby didn’t see it necessary to fill it; or hubby being irritated because I have the inability to properly close draws after I liberated an item from it. You know you are an old married couple once you feel comfortable making a number two while your partner is in the bath next to you (I know it’s rude but it does happen). Luckily for us, we are not the only gay couple that exhibits such queer behavior.

There are many couples in the gay community that have been together longer than us. There is no secret handbook that tells gay people how to make relationships work. Yet, couples in long term relationships almost seem to be viewed as mystical – knowing something or doing something that helps their relationships last. I often times wonder why this is. Is it because we are less visible in the community? Maybe this is true because as we grow older we tend to go to clubs less, rather opting to spend quiet evenings at home with friends. Not all of us are actively involved in community and we go about our daily business unnoticed. So when do the younger gays ever get to see that it is possible to find your soul mate and that gay relationships can and do last?

In the world of clubbing, sex and drugs when you are young, if I recall my twenties correctly, some queers are into fast love, plenty of sex and parties. I saw many of my single friends have one night stands then thinking they are in love followed by a three month relationship, then growing bored and abruptly ending it. Some lucky ones even made it to a year. The one common denominator I identified was this notion that there might just be someone out there whom may better than the boyfriend/girlfriend they currently had. None of these friends, I believe, were ready to settle down at the time. I remember one friend telling me just after our 4th anniversary that he wished he had what hubby and I have – someone that loved him enough to want to stay with him. The problem was not that “that someone” wouldn’t love him enough but the mere fact that he just wasn’t ready to put in the effort from himself. Now 8 years later, he did find that someone and is willing to make the effort to ensure that his relationship will last.

No relationship just happens over night. It’s a lot of work and takes time. Both people must be willing to put in the effort and be strong enough to endure both the good times and the bad. Understandably, it is difficult in the gay community as we sometimes face challenges much different from our straight counterparts and role models are few and far in between. But this should not mean if you are single to give up hope. Hubby and I, and other couples like us should not be viewed as the exception, but rather as the rule. Everyone has someone out there who will love them unconditionally, support them and be prepared to travel the road with them no matter how smooth or rough it maybe. Sometimes the gay cupid is just a tad slow, or maybe a tad wise making sure your special someone crosses your path at just the right time.
Till next time.

Madonna 4 Minutes Parody by Sherry Vine (for the mature audience)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Christian or Heterosexual Bigotry?

Reports, this past weekend, about the alleged vicious assault of a Lesbian by a fellow female member of her church made me sit up and take notice. Firstly due to the bigotry of this Christian who allegedly perpetrated the assault and secondly the fact that homophobia is still rife and incidents like this are not as uncommon as we may like to believe. This incident reminded me of a line from Queer as Folk where the one character stated “There are only two kinds of straight people in this world – the ones that hates you to your face and the ones that hates you behind your back.” I was left wondering, is this really true?
Cecillia Munnik was reported to be suing a member of her church in the High Court for R1, 5 million (+/-$200 000), in damages for an incident that occurred in 2007. It’s alleged that her assailant repeatedly kicked her between her legs until she lost consciousness in an attempt to “convert” her to heterosexuality. During the attack profanities was also screamed at Munnik and she was told she was going to hell for being gay and that she was “ungodly”. The queer thing is that both Munnik and her assailant belonged to the same church and supposedly believed in the same God. Yet, Munnik was called an insult to Christianity. This begs the question, whose behaviour in this incident was more Christian like and who truly was an insult to their own religion?
This incident and a few others made me wonder what the true root cause of homophobia is. Is it religion or is there another social source. Most people’s frame of reference when it comes to morality is religion. Your religion will dictate what is morally right or wrong and provide you with some moral compass by which to live your life. Religions, in some cases, are also a convenient excuse when used as a tool to justify institutionalized discrimination. Just look at Uganda with their proposed Anti-Homosexuality Bill. When it’s stated by religious leaders that gays are going to hell, it makes it easier for their followers to commit appalling acts with the premise that they are acting in "God’s will", no matter whether their own actions are also condemned by that same religion. This creates a breeding ground for the bigotry we see emerging every day.
Some people don’t need to use religion as an excuse to be homophobic and display discriminating behaviour. As it goes for racism these people, for some odd reason, believe they are superior to others and gay people are unworthy members of society just like black, coloured and Indian people are seen as subhuman. I have experienced some of this myself. I have too heard certain snickers and insults directed at me, mostly behind my back. For some reason certain people don’t have the balls to confront you when they are not supported by a group of people. A few years ago, I had to have a tire fixed and everything was going well. After the tire was fixed and I paid for the repairs and the transaction could no longer be reversed I heard the first homophobic slur made about me by an employee there. It was a hushed taunt and slanderous comment supposedly not audible enough for me to hear – but I did. Apparently, my money was good enough there but as a gay person I wasn’t and this faggot should go back to his part of town. Needless to say, this faggot did not leave it there, and after the incident was reported to their head office I was refunded and received a written apology.
Not all people are homophobic by nature. There are people whose ignorance and lack of knowledge about the gay community promotes their lack of sensitivity and understanding. These are the individuals who are most vulnerable to the influence of unscrupulous groups who fuels homophobia and hate. These are the same groups that make straight people believe that my marriage in some strange way will destroy their own and that my mere existence poses an immediate threat to their children’s mental and moral health. If you think about it, who do gay people hurt by being gay? Do we start wars over infringements of our human rights? Do we start urban violent terror campaigns when ever our community is wronged? Have you ever heard of a straight bashing? Do we picket religious events stating heterosexuals are abominations, unchristian and should be going to hell? Do we insist on taking away the basic human rights of other people? No, we don’t, our fight for our rights is a mostly peaceful one. All we want is to be treated like everyone else and be afforded the same human rights and level of respect.
Having many heterosexual friends I can honestly say there are three kinds of heterosexuals – those who hate you to your face (like the Christian lady who assaulted the lesbian), the ones that hates you behind your back (the tire repair store employee) and the ones that don’t give a rats ass who you sleep with and respects you for who you are. Yes, there are many bigots out there, some sitting in the pews of their church on a Sunday, and others in a store assisting you and some are even world leaders. These are the people that give religion a bad name, make politics a dirty business and at times cause many gay people to wonder what their straight friends really think about our lifestyle.
Till next time.

Hedda Lettuce - Lady Gaga Bad Romance Parody (for the mature audience)

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Better Not to be Born

One of my readers send me a link to the documentary "Out in the Silence". It's a documentary/film following the story of a small American town confronting a firestorm of controversy ignited by a same-sex wedding announcement in the local newspaper. It really made me sit up and think, made me sad at times, angry and also gave me hope. Any homosexual who have ever been told "It would have been better not to be born", you should watch this film. Homophobia may still be rife, but always know you are not alone. You are part of our community where you are loved and special no matter what ignorant people may say or do.

Out in the Silence Trailer

Monday, May 3, 2010

Fairy Godparents

In life there are many momentous occasions; occasions that signifies milestones in our lives. Weddings, funerals and the birth of a child are just a few such examples. This past weekend I attended the baby shower of a friend who will be bringing a bundle of joy into this world in August. While sitting there watching the celebration, surrounded by crying babies and the pitter-patter of small feet I couldn’t help but ponder whether parenthood would one day befall me and whether I wanted any children of my own.

My husband and I have been asked many times whether we have considered having children. Quite a queer question if you think about it; we can’t have kids the natural way and believe me we try. If we want kids we would either have to adopt or make use of a surrogate. The plus side of using a surrogate is the fact that we can have a child that’s biologically ours without having to ruin either one of our figures. The decision to have children is quite a difficult one as for us queer folk it would entail loads of red tape and paperwork unlike our heterosexual counterparts who only have to have a night of marital bliss for a bun to be cooking in the oven. The concept of having children and the yearning to have them also seem to differ between gay and straight people.

Many times I have heard that once a woman reaches a certain age her biological clocks start ticking. This is a concept I find particularly intriguing. Is there some kind of biological deadline woman have, where she has to accomplish certain things or she will expire like milk? Is this mystical clock on a timer and if she passes her deadline do alarms sound that mockingly calls her a biological failure? In my social circle the deadline for having children appears to be between the magical ages of 30 to 40. After 40 there seems to be some kind expiry date for my female friends’ eggs and the next major deadline to look forward to is menopause. When it comes to my straight male friends I have not come across one that moaned and bitched about their biological clocks as straight men, in some cases, are only limited to two emotions when it comes to procreation – hungry and horny! So if he doesn't have an erection, girls please make him a sandwich.

When it comes to children, I have to be honest – they scare me. I have never been good with small children and they make me nervous. When they look at me with those innocent eyes I can almost swear they are searching for and identifying my weaknesses, plotting and scheming how far they would be able to push me before I will crack. Babies are also no different; the minute one is handed to me it will do one of two things – cry hysterically or throw up on me and most often both will happen. What makes this worse is when the proud mother would say “Ah... she likes you”, and this while I stand there covered in baby spit and the child turning red from screaming. Hubby on the other hand is great with kids and he can command their respect. When he says “No” children tend to listen. When I say “No” the complete opposite happens and what was rowdy before will turn into complete and utter chaos. It is times like this that I am sure my biological clock resets itself to “Never” when it comes to having children.

Having children is a life changing experience and this I have seen with many of my friends. Children truly are a blessing. What concerns me is the fact that a child does not come with a complete instruction manual and when they are broken you can’t take them back and ask for a refund. It’s a lifelong investment and not a cheap one at that. Children can be the source of great joy and also be the source of great headaches. Having been a tremendously difficult child to raise, I distinctly remember my mother telling me when I was having one of my classic tantrums during puberty that one day I will have children of my own and payback was going to be a bitch. Whether these words somewhat influenced my current decision for not wanting children I don’t know. When I do have children of my own, one day, I am sure many of my mother’s prophetic words will come back to haunt me and her favourite words “I gave life to you and I can take it away!” may just one day cross my lips when my child makes me angry.

With the majority of our friends, of a certain age, busy contemplating have children, trying to fall pregnant or being “with child” I feel no particular rush to get knocked-up or to knock-up hubby. We will not be renting a womb or be searching Africa for a child. For now we are quite content being Fairy Godparents and when our godchildren get difficult returning them home to their respective parents. This is not to say we have permanently closed the door to parenthood, we may still be open to the idea – check in again with us when we are forty.

Till next time.

Gay Education

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