Homo for the Holidays

Homo for the Holidays a "Born this Way" parody but with Jesus. 

Hallelujah How I Blew Ya: Concerto in BJ Minor

A beautiful piano solo by Sherry Vine.  A master work really.

Happy Holidays Y'all

Yes, it is that time of year and I am wishing you a happy holidays.

Santa's Baby

Are you in the holiday mood yet? Jackie Beat sings her scandalous parody of Santa Baby, in a video by Austin Young!

Demonic Possession & Homosexuality: Are you possessed?

Those who are friends with me on Facebook know of my secret obsession with the television programs The Haunted and A Haunting.  The scariest episodes of which are the ones featuring demonic possession.  These programs scare me so much that not so long ago I got frightened by my own shadow in the shower, almost peed myself and screamed like a little girl as a result.  So imagine my surprise when I learned this week that I too might be possessed by a demon.  I might be possessed and not even know about it and to make things even worse - you might be possessed too!

My old friend Pat Robertson (the American “Christian” Televangelist) had a religious epiphany on his harebrained morning television show a while back.  While discussing a man in a brokeback marriage’s behavior of trolling the streets longing for cheap sex with men, Pat came to the conclusion that it must somehow be related to demonic possession.  When I saw this I must admit that I did get a little excited but not for the reasons you might think.

You see I thought that my possible demonic possession could explain my mood swings and IMS (Irritable Male Syndrome - in case you missed that blog post).  If I was indeed possessed by a demon then all I needed to do is contact my local Catholic Church and get an exorcism sanctioned by the Vatican.  We all know the Pope adores me and if he could he would jump at the chance of making me straight.  But being the rational person that I am I decided to examine this more closely before I voluntarily invited the Pope or any of his priests’ holy ghosts to enter me from behind.

The Exorcist must be the one movie about demonic possession that scared the living shit out of me the most.  Needless to say I have watched it several times too many and it serves as my personal point of reference when it comes to extreme cases of demonic possession.  So being a professional homosexual it would be expected that I (according to Pat) too be the victim of an extreme case of possession and, in light of this, I decided to look for any of the warning signs.

During the last 21 years of being openly gay I am not aware that I ever ran up the stairs upside down on all fours, intentionally peed myself, masturbated with a crucifix, spun my head around 360 degrees while spewing vulgar curses intermingled with Latin phrases or told a priest to suck me off or told him his mother performs fellatio in hell.  With the absence of these telltale warning signs I concluded that I could not possibly be possessed by a demon, or could I?  Is it possible that I could be wrong?

In most episodes of The Haunting the ghosts, spirits or demons either hid away in a closet in a house or used a closet or a fireplace as a portal to enter our realm with the purpose of haunting a house or to possess  humans.  Is this a coincidence?  Is this why homosexuals come out of the closet?  I don’t know.  But I do know that most people’s closets are scary godforsaken places and the only creatures that like to spend time in there are cats, mentally disturbed children and apparently demons.  Whether they do this to secretly judge your wardrobe or are taking pleasure from looking at items of clothing that are reminiscent of some bad life choices you have made in the past, who knows.  But they like closets, and I do not.

Demonic possession is always portrayed as this scary evil thing but if Pat is right and all queer folk are indeed possessed by demons it would mean that the media’s portrayal of possession is wrong.  Sure some homosexuals can talk in tongues when drunk, stoned or high.  Sure some homosexuals can get violent when her girlfriend is being chatted up by another chick at a bar.  Sure some homosexuals could neglect their personal hygiene (Robert Patterson I am talking to you).  But it’s not all vomiting green slime, foaming from the mouth and sexually violating religious paraphernalia while levitating above your bed.  There is more and according to some religious fanatics we also have an earthly leader paving our way to hell.

Demon possession and the embodiment of evil have been attributed to Lady Gaga and her legion of little monsters of which I am one even though her latest album kind of sucks.  Mother Monster, as she calls herself, has been called many things and some fanatical religious folks even went as far as to say the devil is working through her.  Furthermore, they claim Gaga’s album Born this Way is filled with evil messages and satanic symbolism.  Apparently what we all saw as dramatic flair and artistic expression has in fact always been evil and straight from the devil himself.

One nut job even wrote on her blog “If Gaga scares you that means you have the power of God giving you discernment”.  I am not sure exactly what this Sarah Salvation meant to say with that statement other than the fact that she loses bowl control whenever Gaga plays over the radio and that she blames the shit in her panties on her religion.  Maybe if Sarah Salvation invested in a good enema kit she would not be so anal in her world views and would shit herself less.

After some strenuous research on Google I could not find any evidence supporting Pat’s theory on homosexuality and demon possession.  If you think about it, why would any demon from hell want to possess a homosexual anyway?  If you have seen the weird shit homosexuals do to their pets when we are bored you can just imagine what corny outfits we would dream up for our demons.  Some of us queers curse like sailors anyway and the demon may find it difficult to keep up with our four letter word vocabulary.  And then there is hell and I am sure Satan would not appreciate it if a bunch of Queens merrily skipped in there signing “I am on the right track, baby I am born this way” while putting our paws up and started redecorating.

So before you reach for the holy water, crucifixes and run into the warm not so platonic embrace of your local Priest, chances are that you are not possessed by any demon.  Our dear friend Pat in all likelihood just had one of his regular brain farts and clearly did not think it through before he made that statement.  Just like we did not cause Hurricane Katrina and the lesbians aren’t partly to blame for 9/11.  Sorry Pat, perhaps it is time to start taking those meds again.

Till next time.

Clown Porn: The Circus is Cuming to Town!

You know what they say about men with big feet, is the same true of clowns? Well, just the other day this disturbing conundrum was forced into my psyche by one of my loyal and well meaning blog readers. This led me teetering down an upsetting path of discovery of just how bizarre human sexual fetishes can be. I never knew it existed and now that I do, my coulrophobia has spring into overdrive!

I have written about strange sexual fetishes before: Golden showers, Belgium Chocolate, S&M, Scarfing, Furring, Fisting, to mention but a few. They are weird, unhygienic, could possibly be dangerous and attracts a selected few individuals who just can’t get aroused or shoot their load if they’re not being peed on, defecated on, strangled, whipped or chained. But now Bozo the Clown seems to have stepped out of the Circus Ring and into the Porn Studio where he has swapped squirting water into people’s faces to squirting bodily fluids from things other than fake flowers.

Yes it’s true! There is such a thing as Clown Porn as I wincingly discovered. You see after receiving an e-mail from one of my readers I decided to go to Google. I changed my search setting from "vanilla" to "hardcore", went to image search, typed in “Clown Porn” and pressed enter. What appeared on my screen was more unsettling than the movie IT by Stephen King. Bozo the clown, Coco, Scruffy and others lost their innocence and were doing nasty things, sexual things and things clowns really should not be seen doing or be seen having done to them.

Personally, I have never liked clowns, they freak me out and I am scared to death of them! I have always thought there was something macabre and evil about clowns and now I am certain. After all you never quite really know what the person behind the makeup looks like, what true feelings or urges they are masking behind their silly acts and what their true motives are behind those chilling laughs. I have never trusted clowns and not in my wildest imagination (and it gets pretty wild sometimes) did I think off clowns as ever being sexual or God forbid – SEXY!

But, evidently there are people who do see clowns as sexual objects and are aroused by them. There are people with twisted circus erotic fantasies and people who want to do unspeakable things to Bozo the clown and have him do unmentionable things to them. Maybe they enjoyed the circus a little too much as children. Maybe instead of reading Playboy or Playgirl they got off by watching clowns perform and misguidedly misinterpreted it as burlesque shows. It is wrong and twisted on so many levels that I can’t even begin to fathom it!

I take solace in the fact that this clown fetish phenomenon is currently largely a niche and heterosexual thing. However, I suspect it’s not long before a Gay Clown Porn movie is made. I for one most certainly would not have any interest, whatsoever, to watch it, as I would have nightmares for months or even years to come. I can’t even imagine what the story line and setting of such a queer film would be. The circus seems too obvious and a children’s party would just be wrong and not to mention illegal. Would Bozo venture into plumbing, mechanics, the army, a sexy camping trip or be kidnapped by sexy Amazon men? Or would poor old Bozo be lost in the streets looking for his circus tent and then be sexually exploited by a bunch of street thugs? Who knows, the possibilities are endless.  And the thought troubling. 

As disturbing as this is to me, I wonder how the clown community feels about this. Are they livid and disgusted too? Having almost been blinded and made nauseous by my Google Image search, I proceeded to do a normal Internet search on Clown Porn, for the purpose of being thorough. There actually is a website called “Stop Clown Porn Now”. Naively I visited their website, thinking the creator(s) would have been just as appalled as I was. But, on closer inspection, their website was nothing more than a Clown Porn Directory disguised as something else. Clearly Clown Porn freaks have a twisted sense of humour, is shrewd and this led me to my next puzzling question.

How do you know if your lover is a Clown Porn Freak? In all probability the first tell tale sign would be if he gets super excited when he hears the circus is coming to town, then when at the circus he pitches his own tent in his pants when the clowns enters the ring. Your suspicion should also be roused when the circus programs with Bozo’s face on it have not been discarded weeks after the circus have left, and have now became all wrinkly and crusty. You should really be worried when you lover comes home in October with two clown costumes with accompanied clown paraphernalia, and when asked about the odd purchase he tells you it’s for Halloween. Finally, all suspicion should be gone the night he enters your bedroom dressed as the clown Funking Frankie and then enters you calling you his bitch Coco!

When it comes to sex the human race is a Pandora’s Box of the strange and bizarre. All people have their own flavours and preferences, whether it’s silk or leather, cowboy or clown. Whatever you are into you will find pornography that depicts your every fantasy, twisted as it may be. Today I learned something new and this I know for certain – when the circus is coming to town I’ll be not go and stay clear of clowns!

Till next time.

The Black Party: Fetish

I don’t want to research vaginas.

They say it takes a village to raise a child.  And whoever said that was not kidding.  Parenting is hard.  You find yourself questioning yourself constantly.  Am I doing the right thing? Am I handling this situation correctly?  Am I going to do psychological damage to my kid requiring me to pay a shit load of money for therapy for him when he is sixteen?  Mostly, I ask myself these questions when I am at my wits end.

You know those times when the world almost ended because your little bundle of joy lost his dummy and wants back it now.  When you try to dress your little poop factory when, according to him, clothes are evil and from the devil and all he wants to be is naked.  When he wants to play with a remote and you say no and he cries as if you just killed a puppy.  Being a parent has taught me a lot of things.  Most importantly, it taught me that nothing can prepare you for parenthood and you just have to fake it until you make it.

At this stage I think the first word my son is going to say is the word “no”.  I try not to excessively use the word no but when he is about to do something that will either hurt or kill him I don’t really have a choice.  My son also has a six sense about where all the dangerous objects are in this house.

All cupboards and draws with childproof lock on them fascinate him.  It’s like he is hell bent on proofing that not all childproof locks are actually “childproof”.  He is also fascinated with our cats’ food, the rocks on our indoor water feature, well actually anything that is not nailed down and within reach of him.  He has also now learned that he can throw things which is a good developmental skill for him but not so good for everybody else.

My son will frequently stand in his cot and throw everything out of it, including his pillow, blanket and mattress protector.  Then when there is nothing left to throw he will try to climb out of it.  And one of these days he will get it right and it is a rather far way down to the ground for a 10 month old.  I suspect he throws all his stuffed toys, pillow and other items out of the cot in order to provide him with a soft landing.  I also suspect that he has been designing his cot escape plan for a while now.

Being a parent has also taught me to lie and to be sneaky.  Whenever my son spots something that he wants to play with that he really shouldn’t I will hide it the moment he looks away.  If he then starts moaning because it is gone I tell him that it was never there.  I am also known to sneak past him and my husband when I need to do stuff because the moment my son sees me he would want me to take him and then nothing gets done. You can only do some many things with one hand.

Going to the bathroom has also become a challenge.  I now never stand and pee anymore.  I now have to sit down.  You see my son follows me around the house like a little shadow and when I go to the bathroom he is there.  When I stand and pee he will stand next to the toilet and try and catch my urine with his hand.  Nothing grosses kids out at this age and it is quite disgusting.  So sitting down circumvents this and makes life more hygienic for everybody.  Because playing with pee is not ok.

Cooking dinner and eating has also changed radically since our son came.  When I cook dinner now my son clings to my leg.  He does this all the time.  When I pick him up and put him on the counter the first thing he will gun for is the knives.  I have tried putting him in his feeding chair but he has tried to climb out of it on several occasions.  I did try strapping him in the chair once.  It was a big mistake.  He acted like he was strapped to the electric chair and about to be executed.  So now I try to cook dinner when he goes to bed.  We have also adjusted our eating habits around his sleeping schedule.  We did this because we like our meals hot and not cold which is the case if you get your timing wrong.

Then there is the thing I now call the ankle buster otherwise known as a walking ring.  Do you know how badly your ankles can get bruised when you are hit with one of those things at full speed?  It hurts like a motherfucker and if having purple and blue ankles were a sign of domestic violence many people would have raised eyebrows.  My son has also learned that he can block my way with his ankle buster.  If he doesn’t want me to leave a room he would go stand in the doorway and refuse to move thinking it is a game.  However, when I move him out of the way he would cry because I clearly don’t understand the rules of the game.  I mean really, I don’t even know the game never mind the rules.

There is nothing in our house that has not been licked or sucked on and that includes our cats.  Just the other day I caught my son sucking on one of our cat’s ears.  The poor cat had this defeated look on his face and seemed to be thoroughly traumatized as if this was not the first time this has happened.  Honestly, I could not blame him; I would be too if I was ear molested against my will.  I don’t know why babies and toddlers do this and it is gross.  Imagine an adult going to a store and once you get to the checkout counter you start licking and sucking on the counter while your goods are being rung up; or if you meet someone and then take their phone and then put it in your mouth.  Well this is what our son does all the time and with everything.  He has no preference and anything will get licked or sucked on, even your cat’s ears.

I think the hardest challenge that lies ahead for us as gay parents is when our son realizes that we are not a conventional family.  The day he starts asking questions as to which one of us was pregnant and why he has two daddies.  Why his skin color and hair is different from ours and the day I will have to explain to him how a vagina works.  Not that I really know myself but I suspect Google will be helpful at that time.  These questions will probably make us long for the days when our son was sucking on and licking household objects, throwing things out of his cot, trying to catch our pee and clinging to our legs.  I do try and enjoy every moment of my son being at this age, albeit that it is sometimes hard.  My son gives the best hug, has a contagious laugh and heart melting smile.  This is what makes it all worth it even if I one day will have to research vaginas.

Till next time.

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When Pussy Attacks!

My husband and I share our house with four pussies. They are furry, sometimes cuddly but beneath their angelic and sweat demeanour there lurks a darkside. A darkside so malevolent and vicious it’s best strangers approach our kitties with caution or face the dreadful consequence – being mauled! You see our furred critters are emotional and dangerous little souls and every now and again their tempers and tantrums take me by surprise and I left me wondering, why do I share my house killers.

Killer Pussy will eat anything she can lay her little paws on. If it is not guarded, covered or sealed she will seek it out and devour it whether it’s broccoli or potatoes – she has no preference. Her absolute favourite snack is a vitamin and catnip enrich cat treat which she gets every afternoon. So when the treats were finished, a couple of weeks ago, and the shops ran out of stock our little pussy was not amused! Then the tantrums started.

We were ignored, she would sit in the corner of the bedroom sulking, scratch us when we picked her up and when her passive aggression failed to yield the desired result she went to Plan B – breaking stuff. Two broken plates, a torn curtain and a punctured pool lillo later, the shops eventually acquired her favourite treat just in the nick of time, as I suspect Plan C would have involved murder by suffocation – I wonder who she would have killed first, my husband or I? So now she’s back to her normal routine which are the plotting and scheming about how to break into our pantry (the food room as she calls it), furthering her nuclear ambitions and setting her plan for world domination into motion.  She really is one ambitious and very dangerous cat!

Fur Monster is one of our eldest cats and she doesn’t like strangers and despises children (little humans). The fact that she was barren for so long and struggled to have kittens of her own may have something to do with her hatred of offspring. Whenever we receive visitors we always have to warn the guests of her violent streak. Many children have been emotionally and physically scarred by her and many adults have too, with my late mom included.

A few years ago Fur Monster’s sister had kittens and my mom and her housekeeper wanted to see the litter/kindle. They forgot about the saying “curiosity killed the cat” and they went into my garden cottage while I was out. They didn’t make it past the kitchen. Fur Monster and her sister Sly Monster cornered them and held them hostage, literally, in my kitchen for well over an hour. Eventually I received a hysterical call from my mom “Your cats have attacked me! I’m in your kitchen! Can’t. Get. Out!!! Oh God have mercy!!! H E L P MEEE!!!” and in the background I could hear the housekeeper praying "Jesus, Mary & Joseph" and the cats hissing and growling. Careful hostage negations followed and both my mom and the housekeeper were released bruised, bleeding, traumatized and forever fearful.

Cute Monster is the middle child and the fruit of Fur Monster’s loins. She’s not the sharpest tool in the shed and the only thing she does well is eat, fart and look cute. She has never mastered the art of tree climbing and is still trying to learn how to play but without any notable success or improvement. The one skill she recently acquired is the much envied skill of paw-to-paw combat.

Seeing as she doesn’t know how to play nice she settled for second best – fighting. She picks fights with her mother, her aunt and her adopted sister and she usually loses. Did I mention she isn't that bright? Every other day all hell breaks loose in our house and it’s a choir of hissing, growling, screaming with fur and pot plants flying everywhere. Breaking up a pussy orgy of violence is near impossible and after two attempts and some loss of blood later, hubby and I decided to leave them to sort out their own problems. If it involves violence so be it!

Apart from eating and shitting the garden the only thing our pussies enjoy doing together as a family is kill things. This is where our youngest comes in Lover Pussy.  And as his name suggests he is a gentle soul and is more a lover than a fighter.  However, he also loves hunting and he's fiercely good at it.  He also usually leads the family hunt.  Like a ruthless pride of lions (which I swear they think they are) they stalk their prey on the African plains that is our garden. Many a bird-, lizard-, moth-, butterfly and lady bird family has lost loved ones at the claws of our feline predators. So when a flock of weaver birds decided our leopard tree was the perfect spot for them to raise their families, last summer, their fate was sealed and the bodies piled up!

Last Saturday we experienced the worst massacre since bloodshed Wednesday of 8 May 2007. It started at roughly noon. I heard a commotion in our back garden and didn’t pay it much attention until the commotion made its way to under the dining room table. Killer Pussy caught a juvenile weaver bird and was busy interrogating and torturing the poor thing North Korea Style, while the other four Monsters were watching. I tried to save the non combatant but Killer Pussy would have none of that and ran outside. We intercepted at the pool and I tried to pry the screaming bird from her fangs but she refused to loosen her grip and punctured two of my fingers.  I considered getting a tetanus shot but then realized the hospital would asked too many uncomfortable questions so I took my chances.

Then I realized the non combatant is doomed anyway and feeling like a horrible human being I let the murder continue. In the lounge I was close to tears as I heard the bird's screams become fainter as the minutes passed. The bird’s parents, family and neighbors all tried to save its life, but one-by-one they too were interrogated, tortured and killed. At sunset the screaming stopped and our backyard was a scene of utter horror and devastation. There are now only four weaver birds and eight eerily empty nests left. Every day and every night our monsters patrol the leopard tree and soon the surviving weaver birds will be no more.

Sharing our home with temper tantrum killers, admittedly is not always fun. But even though I sometimes pitch up for work with arms, legs and hands looking like I shoved them into the blender, I love my little monsters dearly and can’t imagine my life without them. Our backyard may be littered with the skeletal remains of countless avian victims, the bird population on the plains of Africa may be living in fear but my pussies are a delight to have and one day, may just one day, the birds will stop screaming.

You can like Killer Pussy's Facebook Fan Page by clicking HERE.

Till next time.

Heterosexuality - A Queer Perspective

In all my gay years I have often been asked many questions by well meaning heterosexuals, questions that often times starts with the phrase “Can I ask you something personal?” The questions that follow usually would be about my queerness, our gay old lifestyle and homosexual intercourse. And I have always answered these questions, frankly and in great descriptive detail, sometimes to the regret of the questioner. So now I thought it appropriate to flip the tables and ask a few questions of my own about heterosexuality that I have been burning to ask for years. So here goes…

I have always wondered whether straight folk where "born that way" or whether heterosexuality is actually a lifestyle choice. You see I have been pondering on this for a while. Why on earth would any person choose to be straight? Straight folk never have any fun. They never have any colorful parades.  They only dress up once a year for Halloween. Very few have any fashion sense and then there’s the small little horror of accidentally falling pregnant – something that never happens with homosexuals!  Or at least the ones I know off.

Straight folk’s lives are also predictable and scripted. They are expected to achieve certain milestones at certain times in their lives – get married, get pregnant, raise the kids, get them out of the house at 21 and nag the next generation to procreate in order to reach the final milestone of becoming grandparents. Gay folk don’t have these pressures. We can meander through a full life without being expected to do any of these things - we only do some of it because we choose to.

And then there is the sex. I don’t understand heterosexual intercourse and I find it puzzling. Firstly, the equipment that’s to be utilized for pleasure differs vastly in mechanics, design and general function. At least with homosexuals we have an innate understanding and intimate knowledge of our sex partner’s erogenous areas, the only thing that differs is the model size, religious cosmetic alterations and grooming.

Queers don’t necessarily have to learn how to swim in the sea of pleasure, we can jump right in, have a splash and both can make it to shore satisfied. With heterosexuals I suspect this may be slightly different and some experience is required before they get their sea legs. This being said, heterosexual sex must be terrifying and possibly dangerous!

Imagining the experience of heterosexual intercourse could easily make a standard homosexual lightheaded. Having seen the female anatomy in all its glory a few times in my life (for which there will follow no explanation or elaboration) I just can’t figure out why straight guys enjoy it.

The vigina must be the strangest organ in all creation. It’s a curious little fleshy miniature canyon with understated accessories sometimes hidden by a forest and other times just plain bare. Then there are the breasts for which I fail to see the purpose off during intercourse. It seems like they would just get in the way and could potentially be hazardous. Depending whether they are coconuts or tennis balls they do have the potential to cause a concussion or lead to suffocation.

The actual act of heterosexual intercourse I think we can all figure out on our own. The train goes into the tunnel and then comes again, as Freud would say. But, I have heard some straight guys boast, when trying to make straight sex seem better than gay sex, by stating that they have a choice of three orifices to choose from, whereas gay men only have two. To which I ussually candidly resond "Well honestly, I do really just care about the two!" Besides I always also tend to take matters that one step further by asking the said heterosexual guy’s girlfriend whether she has taken it up the ass before and if not I am always willing to give her some pointers.

But then having sex with straight men could be daunting too. For woman having to deal with a penis and testicles could pose their own challenges as not all men are created equal and not all men tend to their gardens, if you know what I mean. Being faced with an erect penis and not knowing how it works could easily lead to confusion.  And when it’s surrounded with a moist and uncultivated tropical rain forest, its appeal factor can easily drop to zero. Then there are the differences: some wieners are turtle necks and others are kosher, and some women prefer the one over the other as do we queer folk.

The last thing I have wondered about is, can heterosexuals see and appreciate the beauty of people of their own gender. If a straight guy walks down the street and see another guy who’s attractive, well build and groomed can he say to his mates or girlfriend “Wow” without having his own masculinity threatened or questioned? Or can a woman admire another without thinking she has lesbian tendencies. We queer folk can do that all the time, gay guys appreciate good looking women, lesbians can acknowledge a fine male speciment, but that does not mean we want to sleep with them. Can straight folk do the same?

Yes, heterosexuality is a queer phenomenon that’s highly prevalent, very public and truly fascinating. I don’t think I will ever understand it and the fact that they flaunt their sexual preference and lifestyle choice in our streets, offices, shopping malls and on television sure isn’t making it easy to ignore them. At least they don’t have a flag yet, but I’m sure that too will happen someday. Even though I don’t understand it, sometimes don’t approve of it, I accept my heterosexual friends, family and colleagues just the way they are – they are people too and the heart doesn’t choose who you love.

Till next time.

Margaret Cho: Beautiful

This Will Forever Ruin Porn for You

The other day I had a rather unpleasant run in with a certain South African.  He is trying to launch himself into a porn career in the USA.  The whole experience left me quite perturbed about this guy’s life choices, the fantasy world he finds himself trapped in and his shortsightedness about his own future.  In all honesty, I felt sad for him.  But hey, it is not my business if someone I don’t even know well is fucking up their own life, right?  But this left me to wonder, do we ever think about the people who are in the porn movies we watch?  Who they really are and how they ended up doing porn?  And if we did would we still watch it?

I have nothing against porn.  I have watched my fair share in my life and if there are people who choose to make a living by having sex in front of the cameras, amongst other things, all the power to them.  However, I do have to admit that I have sometimes watched these movies and wondered what went wrong in these people’s lives that caused them to end up where they are.  Did they decide to go down this path out of necessity or by choice?

Out of all the career choices out there I am not sure how someone wakes up one morning and decide that porn is the career choice for them.  I mean the requirements for the job are rather superficial.  You do not require any talent, you don’t have to be smart or educated, you don’t require any acting skills at all, and as was evident with the South African, you don’t even have to be particularly attractive.  However, what you do require is a good to fair body, the ability to do things with your orifices that could potentially damage them forever and if you don’t fit those criteria all you need is a very large penis.

Also, quite disturbing is the fact that the majority of porn stars out there are also prostitutes on the side.  Probably to help them make ends meet during those times when they aren’t working or getting work.  With the new revival of bareback porn amidst the real threat of contracting HIV (even with PrEP that is supposed to prevent infection) these men are also risking their lives every time they shoot a scene.  Not to mention what happens when they rent themselves out to clients who may be less than honest about their medical statuses.  It is worrisome that these men would risk their lives all for the sake of money.

The word “porn star” is also a very strange concept to me because are these guys really “stars”?  Are they actually famous?  When one thinks about it they really aren’t.  Most of these guys’ shelf life is normally just a couple of years, if that long.  Their time being cut short either by them getting ill, when long term drug abuse takes its toll on their bodies and/or their lives or when the porn houses find younger better looking guys to replace them.  And then what happens to them?

This is where the real problem comes in.  Sure they have made their money while doing porn but I doubt that any of them have the foresight of investing it.  What happens when they run out of money and they actually have to find a real job?  Sure using an alias while doing porn seemingly will protect their true identities.  But with the internet these days just merely using an alias would not hide their debauched backgrounds from their future employers.  With just a couple of keystrokes any future employer will easily unearth their previous illustrious careers and unfortunately this will make most of these guys unemployable.  They would be a huge reputational risk to any company. Where will they end up then?  Have you ever heard of any porn star making it to the Fortune 500 list?

As for my run in with the South African it was pure coincidence.  I used to be Facebook friends with him but he was a casualty of one of my many Facebook friends’ cleanup efforts.  I stumbled upon his profile by chance and saw that he was travelling through the USA and I thought “Ah, good for him.  Wonder what he is doing with his life now”.  Then I discovered that he was working for one of the well-known porn houses over there.  On first inspection of his profile it appears as if he wanted to create the impression that he was doing modelling, however it soon became evident that he was doing anything but modelling in the true sense of the word.  I was disappointed.

I thought he had so much more potential than this and my first thought was what his parents would say.  No parent in their right mind would want their child to do pornography or be proud of that fact.  Being a parent myself I can honestly say I would be mortified.  I did comment to that effect on his profile and tried to do so in the most respectful way I possibly could.

However, he did not respond well to my concern, rather opting to attack me and my child:  Saying that we would use our son as a “sex slave” and that I was a child molester because he could “see it in my eyes”.  I didn’t take this boorish attack personally.  I mean how could I?  It’s not like he was speaking from any moral high ground whatsoever.  He also wasn’t the type of person whom has proved to have sound judgment or to be a good judge of character.  His own behavior and life choices tarnished his credibility in all these areas so I just decided to let it go.

I don’t pretend to understand people or why they sometimes make life choices that, deep down, they know they will regret someday.  People who go into porn probably have their own reasons for doing so and I hope they do so comprehending the consequences thereof.  I hope they know that their porn career will follow them around for the rest of their lives and will encroach in all other aspects of their lives as well, possibly at the most inconvenient of times.  Possibly at the times they can least afford it.  It will impact on their future relationships, their family and careers or hopes thereof.  When I watch porn now, I see the failed dreams and the failed aspirations of people who made certain life choices that will haunt them for days to come. 

Till next time

Ebola and the Zombie Apocalypse

If you haven’t heard about the Ebola outbreak you must be living under a rock.  Apparently it is the largest outbreak in like forever.  Thousands of people have died and if you catch it you have a ninety present chance of bleeding to death from all your orifices.  Being OCD and a germaphobe these odds scare the shit out of me.  Firstly, because I don’t want to be infected with some strange ass disease; and secondly, bleeding from all my orifices seems rather messy and unhygienic.

More concerning besides all these terrible things that Ebola is causing is the bogus reports that people who have died from Ebola are coming back as Zombies.  You may be thinking “What. The. Fuck.”  And you are justified in thinking that, but let’s imagine for a moment that it is true.

Remember that movie years ago called “Outbreak”.  You know the one with the cute monkey who ended up being the cause of all the drama.  Well, Ebola is not that different and neither is this outbreak.  I mean the image they used in that movie was oddly similar to the Ebola virus when viewed under a microscope.  Truth be told, even scientist are scared of this virus.  When handling it in their secured labs they adopt the precautions of space walkers.  That should already be telling you something.  And now this virus is free to roam around West Africa and board airplanes to your country.

Nobody looks sexy in a biohazard suit but I am sure the designers from Project Runway could easily transform these suits into fashion forward Haute Couture.  It could be called “The Apocalypse” challenge.  Which brings me to the actual focus of my blog post – zombies.  Those who know me well will tell you that I am a firm believer that the zombie apocalypse is imminent and real.  And when it does happen having watched The Walking Dead and the show Doomsday Preppers could save your life.

So what are the chances of the Ebola outbreak prompting the Zombie Apocalypse?  Well, to be honest nobody knows.  However, that does not exclude the possibility though.  Just like we cannot exclude the possibility of aliens and that cats may one day rule the world.  It may sound farfetched but anything is possible really.  Just look at the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo.  Neither of these two families have any talent nor are they very smart yet they became famous.  Frankly speaking, I prefer zombies to the likes of them any day.

In West Africa the dead have been buried in mass graves and even when a person is sick and dying on the street people refuse to help them.  They are too scared of getting infected.  Being buried in a huge hole with strangers and being refused help in a public area understandably could cause people to bear a grudge.  So if these victims of Ebola had to rise from the dead as zombies naturally they would be pissed off.  Firstly, because they bled to death from all their orifices and that shit is just fucked up and secondly, because they were not treated with dignity and now they are hungry for brains and out for revenge!

I can see how Ebola Zombies would freak people out more than normal zombies.  Not only would they want to eat you but they could also still infect you will Ebola.  So in that situation you will end up having three choices.  Well, actually four but shitting yourself could in all probability happen concurrently with the other three.  Firstly, you can decide to allow yourself get eaten alive.  Secondly, you can decide that dying of Ebola in the street with strangers watching is not that bad. Or thirdly, you can decide to fight and still run the risk of being infected with Ebola.  I am not sure which option I would choose.

In all seriousness, the Ebola outbreak is no joke.  As of yet it does not seem if the outbreak is under control and a number of cases have already been identified outside of West Africa.  I was recently asked by a friend in Canada whether they should be worried and my answer was yes.  As long as there are an outbreak and people are free to travel then we are all at risk.  If you have health care practitioners helping out in the affected areas then you are at risk.  I don’t think the Ebola outbreak should cause mass hysteria but people should be cautious.  If you want to get hysterical then rather wait for the zombies.

Till next time.

Madonnalogues

Madonna like you have never seen her before.  Raw, uncut, unapologetic.
To watch more of the Madonnalogues subscribe to the talented Nadya Ginsburg's YouTube channel by clicking HERE!

Bears. The gay documentary.

We all love a good nature documentary, right?  If you ever thought or wanted to see what gay bears live like then this documentary is for you.  These bears do all the things you expect them to do in the wild - eating, giving blow jobs and throwing shade. Check it out.

 

What happens if a Go-Go Boy grows old

We all dread growing old (turning 30). But what happens when a Go-Go Boy enters his twilight years.

I Look Fuckin Cool

Adore Delano performing I Look Fuckin Cool (feat. Alaska Thunderfuck)
& guest appearance by Nina Flowers

The Gay Zombie Apocalypse

Be warned! The Gay Zombie Apocalypse is coming!

Sex Littering

There are a few things in life that make my blood boil.  Well, actually that is a lie.  There are a great many things in life that causes the veins in my head to throb.  Mostly I can overcome such emotional inconveniences by counting to ten or proactively popping a pill for it.  However, every now and again I am caught off guard causing me to briefly behave like an emotionally disturbed child accompanied by a nervous tick in my left eye.  This past weekend was one such an occasion as I was confronted with one of my top ten pet peeves – sex littering.

Now before you ask me what sex littering is let me explain.  Sex littering is when someone leaves behind certain items that they used during coitus in a public space for everyone to see or, when a certain deranged bitch throws her husband’s porn DVD’s over your wall into your back yard.  I am aware that the latter is unusual and doesn’t happen to most people.  However, it has happened to me. Twice!  You see our neighbor’s, which I have always referred to here as the “undesirables”, has an extremely tumultuous relationship.  Sometimes their emotional turbulence interferes with my inner peace and I have called the police on them before.  But this new turn of events had me baffled.

Sometime during the beginning of the year I was strolling through our back garden when I saw something shining as the light caught it in the foliage.  Upon closer inspection it looked like a CD or DVD that was lying face down.  Being naturally curious by nature I Indiana Jonesed my way through the foliage and picked it.  When I eventually got it and turned it around I was both shocked and very confused.  After all I am a very innocent, sensitive and impressionable person.  I was mortified to discover that it was a hardcore straight porn DVD.  “What. The. Fuck.” came out of my mouth before I could help it.  Why was it in our back garden and who left it there?

Nobody expects to find porn in their garden, especially when it is not yours.  Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against porn as such.  What I do have a problem with is when someone throws it into my garden.  It is not only inconsiderate but irresponsible.  What if our bunnies tried to eat it or if our garden services found it. I mean really.  If you want to toss porn into our garden at least make sure it is gay porn.  Generally homosexuals do not get off on straight porn and I thought people knew that.  Also, our garden services are very judgmental. 

It wasn’t long before my exceptional sleuthing skills helped me track down the sex litterer.  It was our neighbor (the undesirables).  I once overheard her and her husband fighting about porn.  From what I could tell she didn’t like it being in their house and she doesn’t like him watching it hence, her throwing it over our wall.  I honestly think that woman is a few potatoes short of a potato salad.  The only rational reason I could think of for her to choose our yard as her personal porn dumping site is because we are their only neighbor who doesn’t have older kids.  Still, that is no excuse for exposing us unwillingly to their straight pornography or littering our garden with her husband’s debauchery and her condemnation of it.

I am a firm believer of the theory high walls make for good neighbors.  I don’t really care what goes on in most of my neighbor’s lives.  I don’t snoop and respect other people’s privacy.  But when our neighbor’s shit start affecting my life and intrudes into my little bubble of peace and tranquility I tend to get annoyed.  Thinking that the sex littering was a once off thing I decided to let it go for the sake of not embarrassing anybody.  Also, I didn’t want to talk to the undesirables especially not about their twisted taste in porn.  Unfortunately nothing in my life is ever uncomplicated.

So this weekend when I went to check on our bunnies’ food situation I again stumbled upon sex litter.  Again it was straight porn and again it was the undesirables.  My blood pressure went up and this time I was furious.  “What the fuck is wrong with these people.  Why can’t she just throw this shit in their dustbin or dispose of it in any other way?  Why us?  Why our garden?”  I remember thinking.  Also, do we look like the kind of people who would want to watch a porn movie titled “Sex starved fuck sluts”?  After I caught my breath and the twitch in my left eye subsided I thought of the best way forward.  I decided to leave them a harshly worded letter:

Dear Neighbors,

Your sex life is none of our business but you have made it our business when you first threw the porn DVD “Backdoor adventures of Butthead and Beaver” into our yard on 22 February this year.  Now, again you decided to infringe on my right to privacy and choice to live in a straight porn free environment by having thrown the porn DVD “Sex starved fuck sluts” into our yard.  If you have some sexual issues, including but not limited to porn, please don’t make your fucking problem ours.  Go see a fucking therapist.  Also, our yard is not your personal sex litter dump.  Use your dustbin.  That is what it is there for!

Lastly, by throwing your porn into our yard is not the solution to your problems.  The internet is full of free porn that could meet with your sexual desires and fetishes.  I know you have internet at home because I can see your WiFi on my phone.  Use it.  Delete it.  Just for the love of god leave us out of it.

Sincerely,

Your GAY neighbors.

I am still checking our mailbox for their apology letter.  So much for being “good Christians” who go to church every Sunday.  The worst part of their sex littering is the fact that we are then forced to throw their porn into our dustbin.  What will our housekeeper think if she accidentally sees the porn DVD.  It has been enough of a culture shock for her to work for two homosexuals with a child.  I think discovering a porn DVD in between broken egg shells and potato peels might just give her a heart attack.

I thought moving to suburbia would be peaceful, quiet and private.  I never expected people to throw straight porn DVD’s into our yard and that our neighbors would be perverts with a preference for entering through the back door and being into sluts.  Also, I never expected that I would need to have awkward conversations with my neighbors about their sex lives, fetishes or taste in porn.  I guess it is what it is.  At least they are not terrorists and after my note hopefully they would be too ashamed to even look at me.  And ashamed they should be.

Till next time.

Shit they don’t tell you before you become a parent

There is some stuff I wish people would have told me before we became parents.  Not that “it will change your life” nonsense because, you would have to be mentally challenged if you don’t realize that.  Also, then it might not be the best idea for you to have children and perhaps you should first start with a small pet or a house plant.  The things I wish I were told before becoming a father is not unlike that T&C’s and/or fine prints you find in contracts.  Or the leaflets you find accompanying your medication.  We all know that we really should read them but, very few of us do.  So in case any of my readers are planning on or are becoming parents here are a few things you need to know and/or consider.

Children are a lot of work and you will never have any free time again.  Like. In. Forever.  Children require your full attention and when you don’t give it to them you can expect the apocalypse to happen.  Our son’s favorite thing to do right before he throws a tantrum is to pull his dummy out of his mouth hurling it at me or anywhere that will have the most dramatic effect, followed by a quivering lip promptly followed by inhaling a deep breath right before crying and/or screaming.  This normally happens if I take too long to tend to his needs or don’t pick him up even though my hands are full.  But giving them your full attention is not just about attending to their wants and needs, it is also crucial in keeping these little beasties alive.

Whenever your house gets really quiet you should know baby/toddler is up to something.  I have found that if I turn my back on our son, even for one second, or leave the room to go fetch something that it is enough time for him to not only be a danger to himself but also to everyone else.  He has almost electrocuted himself, have a dining room chair fall on him, the cat’s have been molested by him and he is known to love playing with his own vomit or pulling things off coffee tables, chairs and couches.  Also, playpens (or like I call them “baby jails”) only work up to a point; the point being when your child learns that the playpen is not nailed to the floor and that it can be picked up and manually moved.  Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a baby/toddler.  They are master escape artists and strategic thinkers.  They are smarter than you think and they know our weaknesses.

Children will also ruin your sex life.  When you have a child, gone are those days of spontaneity and now you will have to plan shit.  Normally the best time to have sex would be when baby is sleeping or napping.  So you have to work around their routine.  However, babies have a sixth sense for things like this and don’t be surprised when baby cries in the nursery while you are midsession in the bedroom.  Then you have to drop everything, compose yourself only to find out the big issue interrupting your coitus is his dummy being five inches away from your son and he is too lazy to reach for it himself.  Then the mood is spoiled and sexy time is over.  Also, when you come home from work and after having fed, bathed and put baby to bed you don’t feel sexy.  Mostly you are just too tired.  But sex is not the only thing your precious bundle of joy will ruin, there is more.

Your house will never be clean ever again.  Trying to clean up after your child is a futile exercise.  And if you suffer from OCD, like I do, it is the cruelest and also the best exposure therapy there is.  Our house used to be super clean but now it no longer is.  Just this past weekend we had our son’s baptism at home.  The house was semi clean; you know the kind of clean so that people don’t judge you but the kind of dirty that make you feel ashamed of yourself.  But after the baptism our house was the kind of dirty that freaked my OCD the fuck out.  However, I did nothing about it.  I knew our housekeeper was coming on Monday and I stopped caring if she judged me or what she thought of us four months ago already.  Children can be freeing like that.

Your child will also ,at some point, embarrass you in public.  Just a few weeks ago I was filling a script at our pharmacy.  Just as I reached the counter to pay and opened my wallet our son decided to vomit all over it and the counter.  Having been used to vomit by then I thought nothing of it,  so I grabbed a couple of tissues and wiped off my wallet and very moist credit card.  With the card having had small pieces of chicken and carrot on it with saliva.  I handed the card to the cashier and cleaned the counter.  I did not look up or made eye contact at all, rather opting to pretend that this was perfectly normal.  Obviously, the cashier took my card and swiped it with great trepidation and disgust.  But hey, what else was I suppose to do?  Was I expected to do an “I am sorry dance” and say three Hail Mary’s?

Babies and toddlers are nudists at heart and they have no shame.  Our son hates clothes and is at his happiest when he is naked.  This is why he loves bath time and being lathered up with lotion after but, as soon as he realizes that all that was actually building up to getting dressed then the production of “Clothes are from the Devil” starts.  He will cry and try and make it impossible to dress him.  Putting clothes on our son is like trying to dress an angry octopus with one hand while being blind folded.  I am also sure it burns a couple of thousand kilojoules which I don’t mind, I do want to lose some more weight.  And this leads me to my next point – distracting your child with illusions and trickery.

I have found the best way to get my son dressed or to change his nappy without fighting with an octopus is by distracting him with a toy.  It occupies him and lets me do what needs to get done.  Also, sometimes he would want to put things in his mouth off the floor that is just nasty and that is where magic comes in.  The item will then mysteriously disappear and as if by magic be replaced with something more appropriate.  All our remote controls also, according to him, magically disappear when he wants to play with them.  But in reality they are merely hidden behind the scatter cushions on our couch.  Fortunately, the bargaining and negotiating skills that we will soon need are still some time away.

Being a parent is hard work and people don’t tell you the exact details of this until after you have a child.  Perhaps this is why we as a species are not extinct yet.  As a parent you need some exceptional skills to be successful, you have to be a magician, a liar, hostage negotiator, psychic and have nerves of steel.  You must also have eyes in the back of your head and supersonic hearing.  That being said, I have learned so much about myself since becoming a father.  I have also learned that the one thing that is true about parenthood is that it is the most rewarding experience I have ever had in my life.  I will not exchange this experience for anything.

Till next time.