Beware the Sodomites want to recruit you!

Once again my jaw dropped in disbelieve when a friend forwarded me a link to the ranting of a radical Church. The ranting is by Steven Anderson from the Faithful Word Baptist Church. He is convinced that the sodomites (homosexuals) are taking over the world, spreading our disease of sin and want to recruit you. The only way to stop us, he says, is to kill us. This led me to wonder, is this true? Are we really taking over the world? Are we really hell bent on recruiting as many as we can to join our revolution of depravity?

Steven raises an interesting point by saying that we are multiplying. “There’s more than there were last year and the year before, and the year before that”. This is absolutely true as I can’t dispute this. He also raised the point of us reproducing and entertained with a brief biology lesson. Yes, two men and two women can’t reproduce through gay sex (and believe me we try) but can you say “Artificial Insemination”? Unfortunately, for us radical sodomites having a baby doesn’t guarantee us producing another sodomite. Statistically speaking chances are better that we would produce a straight (non-sodomite) child – oh the repulsion of even entertaining such a thought! So how are we multiplying? The answer is simple according to Steven - we recruit! Sodomites are diligent “recruiters and not reproducers”. We are preying on your children, unsuspecting and unescorted teenagers and defenceless adults. Yes, we seek out the weak and then swoop on them with our Rainbow Flags, KY, Dildos and other queer paraphernalia then “rape, molest and violate” them until they join our squadron. There even is a Gay Manual printed at Sodomite Head Quarters in Amsterdam with detailed instructions, however the illustrated version is only distributed from Sydney and costs a tad more. The process is quite straightforward and relatively painless for those who are not into sadomasochism. All sodomites know that if you need a refresher course, because you have not been meeting your recruitment quota for the month, you will have the manual couriered to you within 24 hours anywhere in the world accompanied with a tongue lashing, head bobbing, finger waving and a hefty fine from the International Institution of Sodomites.
We sodomites are also an ambitious bunch, recruiting is not enough for us because we don’t want to just spread our “disease of sin” we want to dominate and take over the world! We are constantly searching for positions of power especially in the governments of world. Having already infiltrated the United States, United Kingdom, Germany, South Africa, Australia, Netherlands, Switzerland, France, Italy and many more we are at the verge of a full-on hostile coup d'état. We even have undercover sodomites in the Vatican! We are also branching out with our latest Infidel Office that opened up in Iraq just this past week and more to come.

We already control large portions of the world’s economy such as the Fashion Industry and are covertly taking control of other industries as well. Soon not a single non-sodomite will be safe! Just think about what we have achieved already. We are already in your homes (we decorated it, designed the clothes that you wear, your furniture, write the scripts of the shows you watch and even tell you how to prepare your food and do your hair). Our devious plan is well on its way and you are slowly being conditioned for that day the faggots, queers, trannies and dykes will be coming for you!
So how are us sodomites able to do this? Better yet, why are we getting away with it? Again Steven hits the nail on its head with the correct answer – “Queers have no natural predators!” Like the lions in the wild we have very few competitors to fear as we are at the top of the proverbial food/sex chain. We have a superior brain, are more evolved, impeccable fashion sense and generally have a greater disposable income enabling us to fund our global operations to dominate the world. Our creativity and flamboyance combined with our sensitive nature also is another key element as this is how we lure away your women and transform them into our slaves (fag hags). Whatever your wife or girlfriend can’t discuss with you (like your erectile dysfunction) she is happy to share with us. We are the ones that introduced them to vibrators and the phrase “honey not tonight I have a headache” – all of this to curb your reproduction rate. We are such geniuses we have even destroyed the sanctity of marriage as we too can now get married in several countries. First we took over the wedding industry with our wedding planners, caterers, fashion designers and decorators and now we have taken ownership of marriage away from you as well. You know gay adoption is also on the rise so gay married couples are now also taking your children too.
Lastly, you may argue that we need non-sodomites as the stereotypical sodomite is quite timid and lack brute strength because with a superior brain muscle power has become absolute. The truth is we really don’t need non-sodomites, this is why we have the stereotypical dykes: They can build things, win bar fights are good with knifes, beer bottles and fixing things like cars or leaking pipes. We also don’t need non-sodomites because we can procreate with the help of technology. Steven, I think, realized how redundant non-sodomites have become in society and is becoming terrified. If you listen to how hysterical he becomes during the last portion of his sermon one would think a sodomite has already baptised him up the ass. Steven is correct to be petrified because we are doing all these things - we are multiplying, recruiting and taking over the world! Soon all non-sodomites will be replaced with the superior human race that is the Sodomites!!!
Whoever is crazy enough to believe all of this really should look up Steven Anderson and give him a copy of this article, I am sure this would feed his festering hatred for homosexuals. Steven lives in a fantasy world where fairies have become demons and the leader in the battle between “Good” and “Evil” is led by a blind man who can’t distinguish between the two. I guess the world needs this type of insanity to balance out the bigger scheme of things, I just hope I never cross his path as I have quite a bit I’d like to say and do to crazy Anderson.

(To listen to this crazy man go to http://www.rightwingwatch.org/god-commands-you-kill-gays.html?q=content/god-commands-you-kill-gays)

Till next time!

NAUGHTY GAY CRUISE ADVERT

Snogging to Make a Point

There's nothing like a good old fashioned pool snog fest to make a point.  Din [A] Tod, a German musician, recently released this music video for his song "Cold Star" and called it "an appeal for the acceptance of your own and other's sexual identity".  A bit raunchy it may be, but it does bring the point home loud and clear.  Watch for yourself.

Queer 101: A Super Simple Comic Guide

(Click on the images to enlarge)

Queer Mating Rituals of Heterosexuals

With Swine Flue threatening global health I am also convinced that a more ominous virus is threatening society and especially my social circle. Many of my friends recently ended their relationships and this is starting to feel like a pandemic on its own with the unexpected revelation of a couple of pigs amongst us! Having more single friends now, the majority of which being straight, I have become privy to their queer mating rituals. This left me with an interesting conundrum: Are the mating rituals of heterosexuals and homosexuals so different?All 3 respective breakups were quite traumatic and one theatrical. My male friend’s girl friend broke up with him because he wanted to get married and she wasn’t ready. For some odd reason she changed her mind shortly after and now wants him back; maybe she realized what she lost, but alas it’s too late to reconcile and he’s keeping his sperm for someone else. My female friend learned that her fiancé was cheating on her via a Facebook message and consequent phone call from his mistress - what a horrific way to learn of your partner’s infidelity! Naturally she was devastated and the breakup was vicious! The most recent breakup was another of my female friends whose boyfriend of 2 years and 5 months (she was very specific about the duration) ended their relationship over the phone without any substantial reason. It came as blow to her and she cried for a few days but with the help of a couple of magic prescription pills she has returned to semi-normal functioning. All of them displayed fleeting homicidal tendencies and revengeful thoughts towards their ex’s and with the exception of 1; I firmly believe that their ex’s safely will make it to their next birthdays.
Observing my 3 heterosexual friends enjoying their new found freedom, their mating rituals have become a matter of particular interest. I have noticed that when straight people become single their social life escalates into a frenzied diary of dinners, clubbing, events and drinks - not much unlike that of gay people. The consumption of alcohol also increases substantially! All, in my opinion, to abolish the painful memory and to maybe meet new people that will help them transition into the becoming again who they where before their hearts were ripped out of their chests and trampled on. However, unlike gay people straight people appear to have a peculiar way of selecting their potential mates. I think this is where natural selection comes in – after all heterosexuals have the added burden of having to procreate to sustain the species! It appears as subconsciously, potential mates are ruled out by a process of elimination prescribed by the flaws they exhibit similar to those with whom the hunting heterosexual have had a previous unfortunate encounter. If any potential mate show any sign of weakness, the words “let’s just be friends” will be uttered. I was also surprised to learn that unlike some gay people heterosexuals are also far less promiscuous when forced into the single life – they rather tend to use the promise of sex as a lure to test the potential mate’s persistence and tenacity. Only after they are satisfied of the potential mate's commitment sex will occur and if it’s bad that too can be the death of a potential relationship.
When surviving a breakup most people tend to swear off relationships, as the wounds are still too fresh. This holds true in both the gay and straight community. There is also always the fear that lurks like a shadow behind you of getting hurt again. So both straight and gay people surround themselves with friends and keep socially active. With straight woman I have discovered they are more flirtatious during this stage following a break up maybe due to the need to be wanted and found attractive, but as soon as too much attention comes their way an Ice Queen emerges and the potential suitor are in danger of frostbite. With straight guys the predatory instinct kicks in and testosterone goes into over drive. Spending more time with their straight single buddies reinforces this. However, after a few rejections the guys will go back to being dejected and become overly cautious bordering on shy as not only are their ego’s bruised but similar to their female counterparts their desire to be wanted and found attractive is also not met. So I deduce that heterosexual men and women’s timing must be perfect for a relationship to occur, hence to term coined chemistry! If the man is too early he will face the cold shoulder and if the woman is too aloof she will end up a spinster. But when the timing is just right and both are ready for it chemistry occurs and magic happens!

The mating ritual of homosexuals and heterosexuals are not so different. In many respects a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what your sexual preference. The pain of a breakup is the same and much behaviour following the breakup coincides. The fundamental difference lies in the obvious - the fact that in the gay community we may find it easier to understand our potential mates as we are from the same gender and our approach to potential relationships progress in an easier fashion. With heterosexual the mating dance is more intricate, prolonged and fraught with caution. But the homosexual community need our straight friends to never give up on their pursuit to find a mate and never give up on relationships no matter how badly their hearts have been broken. Time really heals all wounds! So it’s imperative that all my heterosexual friends never loose hope of finding that special person because until homosexuals find the means to naturally procreate, and believe me we try, technology and heterosexuals are our only means to our continued survival!

Till next time.

Margaret Cho - Gay Men Jokes

A Heterosexual Education in Sports

The 2010 Fifa Soccer World Cup has started without any major glitches (i.e. Al-Qaeda blowing up any stadiums or fan parks). Apart from the lack of fireworks I am also grateful that this tournament has not taken over our regular television schedules as I would be utterly annoyed if I had to miss any episodes of Ugly Betty’s final season, the escapades of the doctors of Grey’s Anatomy or the toils of the ladies on Wisteria Lane. During the last few days I actually watched two soccer matches, an astonishing feat as I am not into sports unless the guys are wearing tights, speedos are topless and/or are on skates. Having briefly infiltrated the domain of the heterosexual man I must say I have received an education, but probably not the one I expected.

When it comes to sports I am your stereotypical queer. I’m not fond it and when it comes down to having to choose between watching sports or a talk show (don’t care which one it is as long as it’s not Dr Phil) I’ll always choose the latter. In the absence of such a choice male gymnastics, figure skating, diving and swimming shall always win over football, soccer and cricket. I am aware that with my sport preferences it’s evident that I don’t like team sports, but in my defense I’d rather have my attention focused on one Greek god, at a time, and rate them individually on my person scorecard on a scale from one (ugly) to ten (oh my god!!!). This clearly is not the same motivation of my heterosexual male counterparts as they become quite irritated when one digresses from the actual game and focus on an individual player and not pointing out his technical skills but biological assets, as for me they are one and the same.
When watching sports it’s always a good idea to learn the "lingo" prior to watching a match. One thing I learned is that the person talking you through the match is called a “Commentator” and NOT the “Narrator”. It was politely pointed out to me that sports games aren’t scripted, hence the difference. This fairy was quite embarrassed and blamed my mistake on being blond, but in actual fact I should have blamed it on being gay. I was also educated on the difference between a foul and a tackle in soccer. “A foul is when the one player hits the other player before hitting the ball and a tackles is when he hits the ball before hitting the other player”. Both sounds painful and is best avoided. Now only if we can replace the word “hitting” with “caressing”, a foul and a tackle would be so much more interesting to watch!
Straight guys also can be quite curios about the teams they support. They will have their principle team whom they’ll fiercely support, but when that team fails or isn’t playing they are quick to pick another one supported with very technical and logical reasoning. I, on the other hand, can make up my mind with the national anthem part prior to the game. As the camera waves past each team I too have a very technical and logical system in place – pick the team that’s hotter and as the game progress and the sweaty hunks of the opposing team attracts my fancy I have no qualms switching sides without the need to explain. Straight guys can also be obsessively invested in their teams and should their team loose they are crushed and depressed for days, even weeks - some will even weep! I suppose it’s the same sense of loss that I felt when Friends and Sex and the City were cancelled.

Sports evoke a lot of passion. I suspect the only other time straight men gets quite as excited is during sex. Sex and sports have quite a lot in common. Both are best when you are not alone - that would be considered a solo race. Both requires physical excursion, some sweat (if you are doing it right), great technique and when you score it’s climactic! But sex like sport can also have a dark side with those nasty injuries, torn muscles and the one thing some straight women knows very well – match fixing (ladies, they don’t always have to know that their game didn’t quite make it to the finishing line, now do they).

Sports really aren’t my thing, but the two soccer matches I watched was quite entertaining. I am not convinced that I would give up my Saturday or Sunday afternoon to take time to voluntarily watch sports, but in the spirit of Africa hosting the first Fifa World Cup I may just sacrifice a couple more hours of my time to ogle and drool over some more soccer matches. After all it’s a selfless act as I am doing it in support of my country and in the spirit of understanding my heterosexual counterparts.
Till next time.

Kathy Griffin - Balls of Steel

Sex Education

Oprah Winfrey recently caused controversy with a show she did about how mothers should talk to their daughters about sex. Apparently 3 members of the public complained to the South African Broadcasting Complaints Commission sighting that the show was sexually explicit and inappropriate. Naturally, after this news broke I just had to see what the fuss was about. After watching the episode I must admit I too was a bit flustered. This made me to wonder, is sex education still taboo due to parents being too embarrassed to talk to their children about sex & are we in denial about children needing more information about sex?
The “Bird & the Bees” talk, I suspect, may be the one conversation parents absolutely dread (apart from when your child tells you he/she is gay of course). The questions what is a vagina; what is a penis; and where do babies come from could cause any parent to briefly hyperventilate. After watching the Oprah show I am sure the level of dread increased exponentially as Dr Laura Burman also encouraged mothers to talk to their daughters about masturbation and vibrators. Oh my!

After listening to what Dr Burman said I was shocked as I tried to imagine myself in the millions of mothers’ shoes who watched the show and could just picture their facial expressions as it may have been very similar to mine – my dropped jaw only closed after I switched off the television. However, after digesting the information I came to the conclusion that she did have a point, all be it a point that at first maybe difficult to accept and comes with potential embarrassment to the parent. I think the central point she tried to make was that parents should arm their children with the appropriate information about sex to help their children be better equipped, more comfortable with their sexuality and approach and view sex in a healthy and responsible manner. Certain issues that she raised will be met with great resistance as I do not imagine many parents eagerly wanting to talk to their children about the “G” spot, masturbation, sex toys and alternatives to vaginal intercourse.

Not being a parent myself I most certainly can’t debate this issue with any authority. However, I can reflect on my own sex education I received as a child as well as that of my friends. My sex education from my parents was limited to a little book entitled “What a boy should know”. At the age of 12 this book was unceremoniously handed to me by my father. No discussions were engaged in either before or after me reading the book. The book clinically described in writing and with drawings what to expect during puberty and what sex was. Honestly, this was of little help to me as I had no intention of going anywhere near a vagina! The only useful part of the book was the description of the correct use of condoms. Notably the “gay sex” was not included (not even as an annexure) in the book and this was left to my own imagination and later trail & error.
The issue of masturbation was never adequately covered but yet the phenomena of “wet dreams” were included in my little puberty handbook. The absence of thoroughly dealing with the topic of masturbation caused me for the longest time, during puberty, to think masturbation was wrong or even a sin. To make matters worse, I also firmly believed every time I masturbated my dead ancestors could be watching. For some queer reason masturbation was an act one was made to feel guilty about, as not a single person ever told me or any of my friends this was normal and natural. Instead I remember hearing that if you masturbate too often you will grow hair on the palms of your hands.
Many of my female friends also described that their sex education was limited to either a video or book given to them by their parents. The one commonality I could identify was that we all had a similar emotive reaction the first time all our pubescent hormones came to fruition: The first time I ejaculated and the first time some of my female friends had their period we all thought we were either dying or had some embarrassing illness! The books and the videos did mention this would happen but when it does it still comes as a shock. For my female friends their first “monthly curse” (as some refer to it) did necessitate them telling a parent as tampons or pads were required, as for me I didn’t go running to either parent. I just waited, did it again and when the same thing happened I had a “aha moment” (as Oprah would say) as I faintly remembered the little book did mention something about ejaculation and now I knew what that meant.
When it came to sex what I learned was not at all as what was described in my little sex education booklet for obvious reasons. As mentioned before, there was no homosexual section and much needed “details” were left for own discovery. One would think sex is easy, comes naturally and you would get it right the first time around. That just was not true in my case! When I lost my virginity it was an absolute disaster of epic proportion as neither I nor my boyfriend (both being relatively young) knew what we were doing. We knew about condoms but didn’t know about a key component (KY) or any of the other relevant and very important “details”. So my introduction into the world of sex was a thrusting of thighs & pelvises, sweat, careful aiming, pain, embarrassment and a very anticlimactic orgasm – it was not romantic, I didn’t feel the earth move and my whole body wasn’t quivering with carnal pleasure! In retrospect it was the worst sex I ever had! Only as time passed and my sex education was supplemented by knowledge my friends had acquired through their own trails & errors did I come into my own sexually – so to speak!

Even though the Oprah show was controversial I do think the message the show conveyed was an extremely important one. Prepubescent and pubescent children should be educated about sex, they should be adequately informed and equipped to help them exercise the right choices and be confident in their own sexuality. Good sex education saves lifes as we life in a time where the threat of HIV & AIDS are real. A friend recently told me that the problem with children today is that they no longer want to play with toys rather opting to “play” with each other instead. It’s a scary thought to think children as young as 13 are already engaging in sexual acts and by the age of 16 some young people no longer are virgins.
I have a lot of respect for parents as bringing up a child is heart stopping hard work and therefore I’m grateful to only have godchildren. Thinking about your own sex education as a child and your own sexual experiences how much different would your experiences and choices have been had you had more knowledge? What a difference do you think imparting this knowledge would make on the children of today contemplating having sex? I think this is what the true intention of the Oprah Show was – asking yourself some difficult questions and sometimes finding equally difficult answers.

Till next time.

Karen Taylor - Miss Harper and Sex Education

Abnormal Load

A conversation with a friend regarding how often in our lives we are confronted with everyday objects that has some kind of sexual and/or erotic overtone had me looking at my environment with greater attentiveness. I was amazed to find how many phallic and/or priapic symbols we are surrounded with, from fruit, trees, plants and appliances to the ultimate of phallic objects – the modest Tow Bar.
For quite some time I have thought the tow bar resembled the male organ in its erect form. On closer inspection the comparison is undeniable. When I first become aware of this, every time I saw one I would utter a disguised giggle! One day in peak traffic my husband asked me why I was giggling. On explanation, he frowned, turned to me and said “You’re just weird”. However, it did prick his interest and soon I caught him looking at tow bars in a similar fashion. A couple of weeks later, upon seeing a particularly over sized one he agreed by saying “Ah, now I see where you are coming from” followed by a flustered and embarrassed chuckle.

Many car owners buy their vehicles without a tow bars and they have to pick one themselves. On doing some research on the Internet on this piece of innocuous equipment I soon learned that there are quite a variety to choose from; all serving a particular purpose and your choice should be based on what you intend to tow and the type of car you own. Once you have determined the purpose, you are then faced with a choice of a multitude of different shapes and sizes.
Being a man, or rather a gay man, how do you think my choice will be influenced? Will I go for bigger is better? Will I base my choice or the girth, length, shape or curve? Subconsciously, I must admit, that I would make my decision based on my perceived perfect shaped phallus. I can just imagine standing in a motor shop staring at a display wall of tow bars, rubbing my chin deep in thought trying to pick out the perfect one. All the while the sales person not understanding why this is such a complex decision and god forbid me actually handling one while vocalizing sounds like “Hmmm… ahhhh….” Or asking my husband “Honey, what do you think? Is this one too big… is that one too small…”

When straight men choose tow bars I can’t help but wonder how their decision process works. When faced with a tapestry of choices has it ever crossed their mind that they are actually choosing a penis like accessory that they are going to attach to the derriere of their cars? Do they subconsciously realize that their choice may reflect their view of their own masculinity? When it comes to straight males I have observed penis envy on the road many times. I have also observed the more over sized the tow bar the more timid the man. So when it comes to choosing a tow bar, by straight guys, my question is: Do they opt for a fantastic improvement, a true reflection or a more practical version of their own manhood? AND if they know what I know would it influence their choice?

When speaking to a friend, this morning, she was quite enthralled and embarrassed when I raised this issue, so much so that she said she would have to call me back. I am still waiting… Which brings me to my next point – how do women pick their tow bars? Would it be a choice made purely based on practicality or would the subliminal sexual reference of the object in anyway play a role? With tow bars on female’s cars I’ve noticed that lesbians tend to be more practical, opting for the more stubby sturdy ones and straight women being very much indistinguishable from their male counterparts. The latter being the fact that, I believe, their husbands or boyfriends made the decision for them – imposing their masculinity onto their wives or girlfriends. So it would be quite a treat to watch a straight couple go “tow bar shopping” and observing their method of negotiating a compromise and seeing their final choice – the phallus they both agree on!
In South Africa with its citizen loving their sport they have taken their devotion of a famous team one step too far. The Blue Bulls (a renowned rugby team) has gained another symbol fans can use to identify themselves with. Apart from the T-shirts, flags, caps, and stickers they have now also attained the famous “blue bull testicles” that you can attach to their tow bar. So if there were any doubt that the tow bar is a phallic symbol, the attachment of bull testicles to it has now banished any reservation. Personally I think it’s tacky, the tow bar is penis like already and attaching balls to it is just too much – even for a gay man! It’s way too camp and vulgar!

My car does not have a tow bar at present as I have no need for one – I do not plan on towing any abnormal loads any time soon. I also do not plan to attach blue bull testicles to my car as I prefer my car remaining androgynous and I have no desire to butch or femme up my car. I know I may have ruined tow bars for some forever, and for that I do apologize, it is but just one subtle erotic symbol that we live with and I am sure if you take a closer look around you many more will emerge.

Till next time.

Gay Comedian Jonny McGovern's 3 Dollar Bill- Good Cop/Gay Cop

Why Should only Straight People Suffer?

Same-sex marriage became legal in South Africa on 30 November 2006 when the Civil Unions Bill was enacted after having been passed by the SA Parliament earlier that month. South Africa became the 5th country, and the 1st in Africa, to legalize same-sex marriage. Now this was a historic occasion for me and my boyfriend of 8 years as we decided to tie-the-knot, and share in the marital bliss of our heterosexual counter parts. Being true homosexuals we decided to do everything in reverse, as we are just fagalicious in that way.

With all marriages you have to endure 5 events before you end up being husband & husband. There is the engagement party, the bachelor’s party, the wedding ceremony, the reception and the honeymoon and usually in that order. Well, at least that’s traditionally how straight people do it. Being gay and this “marriage thing” being very new to us we approached it unconventionally. Now, I don’t hate weddings I just have a strong aversion to the administrative, planning and production side to them. I also don’t see the purpose of some of the traditions and grand order of how a marriage should be consummated. So when we decided that we were going to get married there was only 1 demand from my side – No Wedding Ceremony & No Church! This came as a big disappointment to my husband who like all gay boys dreamed of his perfect fairy tale wedding. After some pouting and negotiation we came to a compromise. We were going to only have a reception for a few of our closest friends, and all the planning and wedding drama was squarely put on my husband’s competent shoulders, and I was happy to just pay my share of the bills.

We decided to skip the engagement party and go on our honeymoon first. We spend the most fantastic 10 days in Egypt. Had cocktails on the Nile, rode Arabian horses in the desert, sun bathed and snorkeled in the red sea. I am aware that the choice of country to celebrate our pending wedlock was a bit strange, it being a Muslim country where homosexuality is illegal and you can get a jail sentence if caught. I must admit we were a bit cautious about being affectionate with each other in public there, but it didn’t stop us from enjoying ourselves or the country. We ended our final evening in Egypt skinny dipping in the red sea, which I highly recommend! On the flight back I proposed to my husband that we become members of the mile high club, but the flight being Egypt Air he wisely declined my offer, so we are not members yet.

Returning from our honeymoon we broke the news of our pending marriage to friends and family. Some were overjoyed others confused. Questions arose about changing of our surnames: My husband and I share the same name and initials. If we were to have changed our surnames to a double barrel surname, sorting mail would have become a huge issue. So for this obvious reason and for professional purposes we kept our respective surnames. A few weeks after same sex marriage was officially legalized we went to a minister’s office with 2 witnesses. In a 30 minute unofficial ceremony we were married. It was simple, uncomplicated and emotional. Receiving that unpretentious piece of paper, legally recognizing our commitment to each other filled me with an indescribable sense of pride for my country and love for my husband. Finally our relationship of 8 years was official and legal!

A month later we had our reception. We booked out an entire section of our favorite restaurant. We had 20 fabulous guests (Actually 21 because 1 guest was pregnant at the time). It was a fun filled evening with laughter, champagne and off course amazing gifts. With our reception we successfully completed the marriage cycle, skipping a few events and doing things in reverse. Looking back on our unconventional wedding almost 3 years ago, I still get a smile on face and I am still in love with my old ball & chain. I am one lucky bastard!

Many people speculated that giving gay people the right to marry would ruin society, degrade the sanctity of marriage and make divorce lawyers millions. God forbid that gay people can actually get married, adopt children and stay married and be happy! The legalization of gay marriage in South Africa has not ruined society; yes there have been a few divorces in the mean time but as far as I know the divorce rate is still much higher amongst heterosexuals.

My wish for the rest of the world is to follow the example of South Africa and allow all GLBT people to get married.

After all why should only straight people have to suffer marriage?

Till next time!

Wanda Sykes on Gay Marriage

Dildos, Handcuffs, Leather and Porn

Recent headlines about a certain sex crazed lawyer and all the perverseness she and her boyfriend got up to drew my attention to the subject of sex. As I explored this subject matter I discovered everybody have some kind of secret sexual fetish, some intriguing and others just bizarre and in certain cases even illegal. We all have sex (the lucky ones that is), but why are we ashamed of talking about it? Since when has admitting having sex become a taboo? Are we ashamed of our sexual behavior and desires?

My husband and I have visited the odd sex shop every now and again. Like most people we snuck in hoping no one that knows us will see us and prayed not to bump into anyone familiar. God forbid people should know that we have a healthy sex life and enjoy the odd spot of porn. Once inside the shop, we avoid eye contact with the patrons and head straight to the gay section; we try not to pay attention to what items other people are buying, while trying to find our choice of porn and/or sexual accessories. This shopping experience usually is a queer one as I, for one, doesn’t want to be perceived as being a sexual deviant or be judged for what erotic items I choose purchase. Yet that’s the way I feel when I get to the counter with my items. I know that the employees in these establishments have seen and heard everything before, but sometimes I wonder whether they really take notice of the customers and whether they do actually judge you based on your purchases. Are they sarcastic when they say “Enjoy or have fun” when you leave with your items or do they really mean it?

Apart from feeling insecure and self conscious in any sex shop, some people also make me feel awkward. They are the ones that you know have a dungeon in their basement with an assortment of whips, leather masks, chains and other unmentionables doing strange things to strange people. What makes it even more peculiar is the fact that they look normal and may even be your neighbor. I have never seen any person shop with self confidence in a sex shop apart from the S&M fans, and I know of very few people that will openly admit that they have been to one on more than one occasion. Most of us are shy, self conscious, nervous and cautious in sex shops and behave like little mousses that are aware that there maybe a cat lurking somewhere in a dark corner. That’s why these days I prefer to do my erotic shopping on-line and have it delivered to the post office in a very discreet package and receiving it from a blissfully unaware postal worker.

A few years ago our sex life was put on display. Our apartment was broken into and our secret sex life was discovered by unsuspecting robbers. They completely wrecked our bedroom and stole most of our electrical appliances. After invading our personal space, stealing our property and murdering our sense of security, they had the audacity to leave a sentiment of their disapproval of our life style. You see, they had discovered our porn collection and a few other items and in a little homophobic gesture decided to display our whole collection on our dining room table for the whole world to see. It was embarrassing and enraging at the same time, knowing that complete strangers went through your personal belongings and discovered and touched your sex accessories. If that wasn’t bad enough, they simultaneously broke into our neighbors’ apartment and did the same thing to them. I never would have thought they would have such a substantial collection of vibrators, dildos, porn and a pair of handcuff. So both our kinky sex lives were exposed, and the 4 of us blushed every time we bumped into each other after that day. They moved away a year later, and we were all very relieved. I have always wondered whether the robbers remember us and what they really thought of our sex lives.

When it comes to sex I have come to realize that human beings are very diverse in their desires and preferences. You get those of us that are into, what I think, normal to even adventurous sex and then you get the group of people that takes it to the next level of what can only be described as extreme sex. They are the ones with the seriously specialized fetishes. The sexual behavior that qualifies for Ripley’s believe it or not. Even the terminology is strange: Golden Showers, Fisting, Belgium Chocolate, Tea Bagging and Creaming just to mention a few. Some of the stuff is just plain nasty, unhygienic and can seriously alter your anatomy. I think it is bizarre that there are people who enjoy being peed and pooped on! However, I am not sure whether it’s fair to judge them, and neither can I attribute the pleasure they derive from it to a mental disorder. I guess if it makes them happy and gets them off and if they do not harm someone who does not consent to it, they should be left to explore their fetishes to their hearts desire. I just hope they take a real shower after and that none of them ends up my waiter or bartender when we go out!

Having sex and having desires are normal. We all have our sexual preferences, secret little sexual paraphernalia and sexual dislikes. I think because sex is such an intimate experience between people and the exploration of your sexual desires and fantasies show so much of your true self it makes most people uncomfortable to share it with strangers. Finding someone that is completely sexually compatible with you can also be a challenge on its own. In my opinion, I do not think we are ashamed of our sexual desires and behavior, but instead find it to be intensely personal and prefer keeping our most basic human instincts private. I am lucky to be married to a man with whom I can share my desires, explore new things and be open with, as he can be with me. Honest communication is the most important aspect in having and sustaining a healthy sex life in any couple’s relationship.

Till next time.

The Dildo Song (Not suitable for easily offended viewers)

This video is the work and copyright of Robert D Brooks (http://www.damnthe.com/video/ the_dildo_song_home.html)