Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Battle of the Christmas Trees!

It’s that time of year again. In a couple of weeks it will be Christmas, or as I like to call it ‘The Silly Season”. This is the one time of year when the child in all of us can be released with reckless abandon in the midst of all the plush and splendor associated with the festive season. The centerpiece of any self-respecting household symbolizing the Christmas spirit is that all important Christmas Tree. So when it came to selecting a tree, hubby and I unexpectedly found ourselves at opposite poles of the Christmas decorating spectrum which led to what will be going down in our history as ”The Great Battle of the Christmas Trees!
It all started two weeks ago, December was looming and everywhere Christmas decorations sprouted in shopping centres, office buildings and neighbouring houses. This seeded the thought that maybe we should start planning how we would transform our humble abode into a Christmas wonderland. During our move, two years ago, our old Christmas tree was lost and perhaps luckily so. It was less than a meter tall (just big enough so as to not be too imposing in our then very small apartment), had serviced us for the last 9 years, had seen many a merry Christmas but unfortunately was also close to dilapidated and due for retirement. As we forage through our Christmas decoration treasure-trove the need for a new tree became apparent and was briefly discussed and we were in agreement, or at least that was what I thought. So when hubby brought home his interpretation of our new "Christmas Tree" I was somewhat mortified.

The following Friday hubby arrived home all excited about the tree he had purchased. The excitement was tangible, that was until he fetched the “tree” from the car and ceremoniously unveiled it on the dining room table. Barely 60cm tall it was a pile of sticks (presumably someone’s garden trimmings) hammered together in the form of a pine tree - dreadfully boring, barren, minimalistic and better suited as kindle for a barbecue fire rather than an opulent festive centrepiece. “What is this?” I confusedly asked, secretly hoping it was a practical joke. Elatedly and self impressed hubby responded “It’s our new Christmas tree, don’t you just LOVE it?” I paused for a moment trying to think of an appropriate diplomatic response, but as the reality that this was no practical joke sank in nothing was forthcoming and eventually I confessed that I absolutely hated it!
Hubby was unperturbed by my negative and somewhat icy reception of his newly discovered treasure. He appeared oddly enchanted by the sticks magical powers that I clearly was immune to and underwhelmed by. Hubby proceeded to dress the tree. Faerie lights, a couple of white and silver ceramic ornaments and our precious Chrystal Angle crowning the tree; he then switched on the lights and basked in self satisfaction. The tree looked like autistic woodpecker had build it while on some psychedelic drugs, then proceeded to poop perfectly shaped white ornaments on it with bits and pieces being periodically illuminated – the perfect place for spiders to nest and/or mites to breed. Looking at the pile of wood lit up it, in my mind, did not say Christmas but rather oozed the lackluster death of and total disregard for Christmas’ true essence and with each flickering of lights I grew more annoyed.  This tree had to go!

Naturally having had to stare at Woody the Drug Addict Woodpecker’s artwork for a whole week, this past Friday I proceeded to search for a proper traditional Christmas tree. I searched high and low and eventually found the perfect one. I always wanted to have a white Christmas tree, I am not really sure why, but I found one and took it home. With child like enthusiasm I set it up and dressed it with all the extravagance and grandeur deserving of the Christmas spirit. An hour later and it was ready and proudly erected and brightly illuminated in our lounge waiting to astonish and mesmerize all who gaze upon it. Then hubby arrived home.
Walking into the lounge he was unmoved by my tree’s magnificence, he grunted and proceeded to lecture me on how times are changing and how being stuck in the 1900’s is not a good thing. Apparently my tree was and is symbolic of an historical nostalgic artifact, a conclave of kitsch and not the festive objet d'art I thought it was. Hubby further shared his observation that my tree looked like the product of an hour long vomit fest by our four cats taking turns spewing glitter all over my brilliantly decorated precious beauty. As his tree tirade drew to an end I confidently said “I don’t care, my tree is still prettier than your pile of sticks!” Hubby turned away in disgust.

We didn’t speak for an hour rather opting to take our disagreement to cyberspace and fought it out of Facebook having our adoring friends play referee. During that hour opinions were shared and at the end most of cyberspace’s support was in my favor (I know hubby would beg to diver, but then he’s not writing this blog post now is he?). Eventually we realized our behavior was silly, infantile and unbecoming off the mature adults that we were supposed to be. Eventually we came to our senses and reached an amicable compromise: We both would keep our trees, not make our friends take sides about which tree is better; I will tone down mine and hubby will dress up his. And last but not least hubby will refrain from referring to his tree as a “Christmas Tree” and will do my utmost to stick to the “Less Is More Rule!” which is something I find almost impossible to do especially during Christmas – sigh...
So now our house has two Christmas trees, one minimalistic and understated and the other grand and generous. I don’t know how many other married couples have their own Christmas Trees or even have fights about them; maybe hubby and I are just a tad unconventional and overly adamant regarding our festive views. But one thing is for certain the silly season have only just begun and we sure are in for one hell of an interesting and jolly old time. Ho ho ho!

Till next time.

Jackie Beat - Santa's Baby

Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Apocalypse: We Will All Die!

I am not sure whether you heard but the world is about to end (this is where you run away in horror screaming).  According to a range of eschatological beliefs some cataclysmic or transformative events will occur on 21 December 2012.  Coincidentally this is also when the Mayan calendar ends.  The human race will be swatted off this rock we call earth like flies are swatted off a piece of stale of bread.  This seriously will be interfering with my holiday and Christmas plans.  With this looming disaster I am however left with many important questions.  Important questions like what the fuck do you where to the apocalypse?  Must I wear my hair up or down?  Will I need sun screen?  These are the type of question you really should be asking yourself and the answers would greatly depend on how the end of the world as we know it pans out.  So here are two scenarios to consider.
Look, earth is in the middle of nowhere in space and, apart from aliens, there are a shit load of stuff flying around in our vast galaxy that we don’t know about.  Any of which could be on a direct trajectory to our little blue planet.  So it is viable that an intergalactic fender bender like the one that killed all the dinosaurs could occur.  There have been many movies made about asteroids hitting the earth and most of them have happy endings.  But, if the Mayans are right our ending won’t be.  Happy that is.  We will all die screaming and those who survive will later die either from freezing to death or starvation but we will all die!  Not being one for the dramatics (yea right) I would prepare for the end as follows.

Firstly, if it is confirmed that a huge rock was hurdling our way and they named it something terrifying like “ZardanofX51” I would first pee myself a little and then go on one mother of a shopping spree.  I mean honestly.  If the earth is going to end and we are all going to die anyway who the hell won’t max out their Visa cards?  It’s not like the bank will foreclose your house because it will no longer be there and neither will the bank and the bankers will all be dead.  And who wants to die screaming dressed in last year’s fashion, cheap sunglasses and a fake mink coat.  If an asteroid is going to hit the earth I want to look catastrophically appropriate and utterly fabulous.  The reason being that if in a 1000 years from now alien archeological rovers discover my charred fossil I want them to go “Ah, this species had good taste, was well fed and could accessorize the hell out of an outfit.  I wonder who were Prada, Armani, Gaultier and Lacroix?”
But asteroids aren’t a very glamorous way to die in an apocalypse so I secretly hope that it won’t end that way on 21 December.  I would much rather prefer being sucked into a black hole.  I have always been fascinated with black holes and how little we know about them.  Personally I have never been in one myself but from what I hear once you go black you never go back.  And from what I have seen on television, more specifically the Discovery channel, being sucked into black hole is not a pleasant experience as you are first stretched beyond your physical limit and then compressed into a minute particle.  For in case you haven’t realized it this scenario is not compatible with life and you will die.  But on the upside, at least you will look really thin for a few seconds.  So it’s not all bad.

If a black hole was to appear on 21 December I hope it is during the day time and that it is sunny and hot outside.  You see I would like to spend my last hours on earth next to the pool, sunbathing while drinking cocktails.  Lots of cocktails!  If I will end up being mutilated and molested by gravitational forces I would prefer to be highly lubricated, intoxicated and high on poppers.  I might even try negotiating with the black hole and it would go something like this “Sorry, nope I am not going into your black hole today.  It’s not like I am a racist or something but I don’t go into any holes if it hasn’t properly courted me or at the very least bought me dinner.  Do I look like a slut to you?  Go destroy Mars or Venus.”  Of course this won’t make any difference, but it would make me feel like at least I tried.  And remember I would be drunk as hell so it would be, at the time, a perfectly sensible thing to do in my mind.
Who said the apocalypse can’t be fun.  If you are going to die anyway and know when that day is what would you prefer to do?  Sit scared shitless in a bunker with canned food, bottled water, batteries and flash lights or would you prefer to get shitfaced and stuff yourself with all the food that’s bad for you but tastes delicious.  Honestly, I would prefer to do the latter.  I’d rather die laughing than die screaming.  It is the end of the world after all, you might as well let your hair down and live a little.  It’s not like you will be tagged in drunken pictures on Facebook the next day.  It’s not like you are going to wake up the morning of the 22nd after having been asleep in your own vomit thinking “What the fuck happened last night?  What did I do?  What’s this chunky sour smelling stuff on my face and in my hair?”  No you won’t because you will be dead.  That’s how the apocalypse ends.  That’s why they call it an Apocalypse bitches!

Whether or not the world will really end on 21 December 2012, who the hell knows.  I for one think it’s a bullshit story.  If I recall correctly, the world was suppose to end like twice this year already and we are all still here.  So what will make 21 December so special and catastrophic?  So the Mayan calendar ends then, but maybe the Mayans just got tired.  Or maybe the Mayans updated their calendars to that date and decided that the next generation would do the next 100 years and unfortunately for them, their descendants were a bunch of procrastinating lazy shits.  Whatever the case maybe I will not be holding my breath for fire and brimstone to be falling out of the sky.  On 21 December I will be lazing about doing holiday stuff and drinking a moderate amount of cocktails because I hate hangovers.  If you want to sit in a bunker, it’s your choice.

Till next time.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Meet Gayburg

Meet Gayburg was created to fill a niche within the South African social scene with the hope to expand social circles and break down barriers.  The partnership between owners Suzette Leal and Lawson Ricketts was formed over Sunday lunch in Hyde Park.  Suzette explained the Meet Joburg (a previously developed company) concept and Lawson immediately recognized the need for such a platform within the South African gay community.  Both owners have lived abroad (London, New York, & Amsterdam) and witnessed similar popular social and business concepts and felt that cities in South Africa would benefit from the positive connections created.  Thus began the beginnings of Meet Gayburg…and coming soon Meet Gay Town! 
Meet Gayburg is an online platform AND a real world network with monthly events in sexy locations where you can talk business, make contacts and meet friends. Our members are a mixed bunch of professionals including some of the country’s most successful businessmen, authors, designers, actors, lawyers, teachers and politicians. We don't restrict the definition of 'professional' to these, however, and you are welcome to join us whatever your current position. Some of us don't even own a suit! 
Events are structured around four pillars of interest:  arts & culture, dining & restaurants, adventure and sport.
It’s free to apply and applicants will keep receiving invitations until there is one that really tickles their fancy. All applicants can attend their first event, obligation free. Should they enjoy this experience, they can sign up to become a member and this will guarantee them two invitations to tailor made events per month. Members pay R1200 for a year’s membership and R180-R350 for each event.
Meet Gayburg is hosting a launch event on 17 November where they encourage the LGBT community to “Become an IN-MATE!” - Join Meet Gayburg and hostess Mary Scary as we celebrate our launch in an old prison complex!
To receive an invite to the launch event, visit the Meet Gayburg website and 'apply now' to become a member. This will provide an invitation to the event and notifications for upcoming events.

It’s time to OUTsource your social life and join the Meet Gayburg pink scene!
For more information go to

Thursday, November 15, 2012

When Cuteness Pees on You.

For a Gay Couple Without Kids (GCWOK) we sure do have a shit load of animals.  But I do prefer having animals over having actual children.  However, animals can be as demanding as children and the two new additions to our queer family are naughty little buggers.  In the month that we have had them there has not been a dull moment.  Owning rabbits is much like having two destructive toddlers in your house who do what they want, go where they want and chew and pee on what they want and there is little to nothing that you can do about it.  And after getting up to some serious mischief they turn around and look at you with those big brown eyes, floppy ears and fluffed fur and their cuteness overwhelms you and it is very difficult to stay mad at them.  In the last month I have learned a great deal about rabbits, the kind of stuff that they don’t tell you when you research bunnies on the internet, the kind of stuff that you need to know before you decide to keep them as pets.
The first thing you absolutely must know about bunnies is that they are seriously cute.  You might think this is a good thing, but you would be wrong!  They use their cuteness as a very effective weapon to manipulate you and get away with just about anything.  Sure I just chewed off the cables of three lamps, ate my way through your work folder and peed on the surround sound’s subwoofer but look how adorable I am when I jump around the coffee table and then flop over by your feet asking you to rub my belly.  Sure I just peed on your favorite comforter and on you, ate your expensive house plant, broke a glass and bit the cat but look how cute I am when a bath myself and don’t you think my big feet are adorable? Their cuteness is equal to their mischief and inherent destructive nature.  They were designed that way and I think God has a seriously dark sense of humor because of it.

Bunnies are also very curious animals and have the ability to get into places you really would not expect them to get into.  They are also professionals when it comes to hide and seek, with their specialty being hiding!  There have been a couple of days that the bunnies disappeared much to my frustration.  Knowing that there is no way for them to get out of the house if the doors are closed many a time I have found them hiding behind the fridge, under the couch, behind the bookshelves, in the fireplace and on top of my computer box; this after I spent a good few hours searching for them.  And don’t be fooled, they weren’t chilling in these hiding places, they were hiding and to them this is a game - a fun game for them but not so much for us.

As the bunnies got bigger hubby and I decided to let them outside in the yard.  At first they hated it but after some supervised outings they became more used to the idea and this is now an activity they look forward to in the afternoons when we get home from work.  At first they enjoyed their freedom and whenever something startled them they would head for the house.  But as their confidence grew so did their mischievousness.  They usually would spend three to four hours outside and at around 7 or 8pm they would come in by themselves.  This was until the other day when they decided “fuck you we want to stay outside longer”.  So what did they do, you may ask.  Well, they did what they do best – they hid!
At around 8pm hubby and I wanted to start locking up the house.  We life in South Africa and this is something you have to do if you don’t want to get robbed or murdered.  So we went outside and called the bunnies.  After about 20 minutes the calling turned into a full on search.  In our PJs with a flashlight in the one hand and a celery stick in the other, we search every inch of our yard, under the cars, the garage, the pool pump and even the pool.  An hour passed and nothing.  They were nowhere to be found.  After another hour passed the girl eventually had enough of their little hide-and-seek game and came out but the boy was still missing.  Eventually, after fearing the worst (that he got caught by an owl and was being eaten alive) we gave up, locked the house and prayed that he was ok, where ever he was.

At 3am I went and looked for him again but again went to bed with images of an owl having beakfuls of my precious little bunny.  To my relief at six o’clock the next morning the little fucker was sitting in front of the door wanting to come in as if nothing had happened.  Where he was hiding I still don’t know but the following evening he was the first one of the two to come in, so clearly spending a night by himself outside was not as much fun as he may have thought.  The hiding, albeit frustrating, is not the worst the bunnies do, what is worse is the nymphomania.  There is a reason there is a saying “fucking like bunnies”.
Our bunnies are now almost four months old and their hormones are now starting to kick in and their primal urge to procreate is seriously strong.  Boy bunnies reach sexual maturity before girl bunnies and as such our boy will be the first to have a little visit to the “Planned Parenthood” vet for a little snip.  At the moment he is not yet well enough developed to be neutered but this is not stopping him from having sex with his girlfriend every opportunity he gets.  Every time they do the nasty Boris and Killer Pussy look at them with that confused “What the fuck are you doing?  What is wrong with you?” look.  The first couple of times they had sex we tried to break it up but then they would just hop around the corner and fuck further.  So now we just leave them, it’s not like we have time to play fuck police 24/7.  Like all good parent we just hope that she does not get pregnant, that she stays in school and that she doesn't become a stripper!

Yes, bunnies are a handful and may not be the best pets for all people.  But despite all the havoc they cause, promiscuity and little tantrums they throw they are adorable and I am very glad we have them.  We are still in process of potty training them but it is going badly.  The vet said that after we have “altered” them (which is just a weird way of saying after they have been spayed and neutered) it will be easier to potty train them.  I guess we will have to wait in see.  In the mean time we would just have to walk after them with a cloth and diluted white vinegar until they learn to pee in the litter box and not on us.  So if you are considering getting a bunny as a pet, you can’t say that you have not been warned.

Till next time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Sex, or at least the hint thereof, sells

Every so often I come across some advertisements that clearly are marketed towards the gay market.  After all we do have all those disposable pink money that are burning holes in our pockets.  Sometimes the advertisers hit the nail on the head and other times not so much.  Here are two that I have seen recently that did a pretty good job.  Enjoy...


Genocide is still occurring in the world, and another one is pending!
On October 14, 2009, a so-called "Anti-Homosexuality Bill" was introduced in Uganda's parliament.

This bill would:
  • Imprison for life anyone convicted of "the offense of homosexuality";

  • Punish "aggravated homosexuality" – including repeat offenders, or anyone who is HIV positive and has gay sex – with the Death Penalty;

  • Forbid the "promotion of homosexuality," and jail rights defenders who work on LGBT rights;

  • Imprison anyone for up to three years if they fail to report within 24 hours anyone they know who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, or who supports their human rights.
This Bill is nothing but a vehicle that will be used to legalize targeted killings.

Please STOP this pending Genocide and get involved. Contact representatives of your government and demand action are taken to prevent this potential tragedy!

But like they say a pictures speaks a thousand words

Monday, November 5, 2012

Pastor Oscar Peter Bougardt, the bigot from the Western Cape.

Why is it that hurricanes seem to bring out all the loonies, especially the religious kind?  Just last week I reposted I blog post that dealt with two bat shit crazy religious folks who blamed natural disasters on gay marriage and homosexuality.  But imagine my surprise when I found out that we in South Africa also have a nut job who clearly loves riding on the fanatical idiotic coattails of his likeminded American friends.  His name is “Pastor” Oscar PeterBougardt.  If the name sounds familiar, it should because this so called Pastor last year fervently stated that Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu was going to burn in hell because he supports LGBT rights.  One can conclude that the Pastor is a few dildos short of a homoerotic good time and that he also may not be the sharpest tool in the shed.  But seeing as this poor Pastor is really attention starved I have decided to give him some attention.  So lube up homophobe this is about to get rough.
Last week, shortly after Hurricane Sandy devastated part of the United State’s East coast, our Pastor decided to post this Facebook status update for all of his 1 586 friends to read and I quote (spelling mistakes and all):

President Obama wants the USA to accept homosexual marriages as normal. God spoke through hurricane Sandy, telling them not to mess with mother nature. Marriage is ordained of God and it is between a man and woman. For the USA or any country to accept homosexual marriages as normal is playing with nature, God id using mother nature to deal with evil countries. President Obama won't see another term in office, God will punish him. South Africa wake up, God hate sin, if this government don't scrap perverted homosexual laws, God will deal with SA as He is dealing with the USA. With all the weapons of mass distruction, and all the riches the USA have, they could not stop mother nature. God is God and He will not allow any country no matter how rich or strong to play with Him”.

Clearly the Pastor cannot comprehend what “Global Warming” is nor does he understand the effects thereof.  Instead he blames the gays.  Why is it that homosexuals and our right to marry could have such devastating effect on the planet whereas greenhouse gasses, pollution and carbon emissions don’t?  Secondly, if God was going to punish South Africa for our “perverted homosexual laws” how exactly is he going to do that Pastor?  With Hurricanes (which we never have)?  And earthquakes (which we also never have)?  Or perhaps fire and brimstone?  The latter seems more plausible if you ask me.  I guess, according to the Pastor, God will make an exception when it comes to Gay Marriage because according to the Pastor’s diligent research it is “unnatural” and an “ungodly sin”! 
In another status update on the Pastor’s Facebook page he attempted to do a psychological analysis on gay marriage and I am sure this “copy and paste job” that he calls his “research” made sense to him at the time.  But this is the problem when an uneducated person commits plagiarism and foolishly makes unsubstantiated statements that were neither proven through scientific, sociological, anthropological or psychological research.  A good example of his idiocy clearly comes through in this statement he made in that status update, and I quote:

Some male homosexuals claim that they look at other men the same way men look at women. However, scientific research indicates that in their brains, homosexual men "look at" other men the way women look at men. This tendency could indicate that at least some homosexual men might actually be transsexuals. They call their partners "husbands" because subconsciously they really want to be women.

This is utterly laughable and only demonstrates his lack of comprehension of the complexities of the LGBT community.  It is dangerous for a person like him to make such statements and hold them as truths.  But what really disturbed me was his blatant hate speech.  As a person who claims to be a man of God, who is respected by the community in which he claims to preach the word of God I am particularly perturbed that he is abusing the platform he has been given and instead of building peace, tolerance and respect amongst his community he is preaching intolerance and hate.  What really pisses me off is the fact that his Church, the Calvary Commission Bible School in Mitchells Plain in Cape Town, is allowing this to happen.  Which begs the question, is his Church condoning the Pastor’s behavior, do they support his views and do they support his advocating violence towards the LGBT community?

In the one status update on Facebook by this Pastor that really made me lose my shit was the following that was titled “Homosexuals Are Cursed by God”:

“…Leviticus 20v13; If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable.  They must be put to death, their blood will be on their own hands.  I call upon the South African Government to reinstate the death penalty for rape, murder, armed robberies, drug smuggling, child rapist and child molesters and not to spare homosexuals the rod, execute them if they are caught in homosexual acts, their blood will be on their own hands…”
This is hate speech and incites violence towards the LGBT community.  I do appreciate that all South Africans have freedom of speech which we gained through our hard fought democracy and that all South Africans has the right to their opinions.  However, when a person of authority and a person who a community looks up to for spiritual guidance is leading them astray and advocating the execution of a minority group, surely somebody should intervene.  So I called on the South African Human Rights Commission to address this.  I sent them a heartfelt email reporting the Pastor for Hate Speech.  With hate crimes against the LGBT community on the rise, especially in the Western Cape, we really do not need another religious nut job to be advocating and even encouraging such violence to occur.  People like him must be stopped.

It seems like any Tom, Dick and Harry can call themselves Pastors these days.  And with “Pastor” Oscar Peter Bougardt it seems to be no different.  He claims to have completed a Diploma in Bible studies and that he was ordained in 2002.  He further claims to be a counselor and hopes to make a difference in the crime riddled area in which his ministry is based.  Sadly, it seems the only difference this man seems to be making is perpetuating intolerance, hate and homophobia in an area in South Africa that is already vulnerable to negative influence. Horrifyingly, in this case the negative influence is not from gang leaders, drug dealer or criminal syndicate, it is from a man who claims to be a man of God who’s heart is filled with hate.  Not the type of person I would trust to lead a community to salvation now is he?

Till next time.

An update 23 November 2012:  The Human Rights Commission of South Africa decided to react to my complaint and they are now investigating the matter.  Let's hope they make him stop!
An update 14 December 2012 (click on the image to read):

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