Coming out of the closet

Ash Becham's very inspirational speech about closets, the different closets we all have, what is hard and how to break free.  This is a video that I recommend everybody watch, even if you are not gay.  It's filled with truth and inspiration that we all need to hear and can benefit from.

Growing Up Gay and Amish in America

Last night I was sent a book entitled “The Literary Party:  Growing up Gay and Amish in America” by the author James Schwartz.  It is a collection of poetry and essays that deals with growing up as a gay boy in the very conservative Amish community.  A community in which homosexuality is strictly forbidden, as quoted from the Bible, and coming out means being excommunicated and shunned from your family and community.

In his book James deals with issues ranging from growing up in the Amish community, realizing he was gay, sex, gay clubs, politics and love to mention but a few.  Also, perhaps more amusingly, what it takes to take a horse and buggy to a gay club.  He deals with these issues in the form of beautifully constructed poetry and poignant essays.  I have been sent many books since I started my blog and must admit that I rarely read them, but this book was different:  I literally finished reading the book before my 9am meeting this morning and plan on reading it again.

Do yourself a favor and get your hands on a copy.  It gives you a unique insight into a person breaking free from a suffocating and restrictive environment to discover who he is and provides a sense of optimism that maybe one day the Amish community will become more enlightened and accepting of LGBT people in their community.

You can purchase a copy from Amazon.com by clicking HERE

Don't Tell Me You're Gay

This week I decided to publish my favorite guest blogger GeeGee Curtained from the Two Fat Cows fame.  She is possibly the biggest Fag Hag this side of the equator and this week she shares with us a few little opinions about drag queens, guys keeping it on the DL (down low), and those queens that are so deep in the closet they would need a team of firefighters to Out them.

Daaarlings!!

As you very well know, I’m a HUGE fan of drag queens because they’re like fuck you butterflies who don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about them and I LOVE my gay friends to pieces – they’re so much fun! I’m not usually one to judge, but seriously dollies, few things irritate me as much as a closet queen. I mean really, who are they kidding? And their wives... oh dolls, their wives... have they been lobotomised or are they so far down that river called denial (not the one in Egypt) that they don’t know their men prefer cock when it’s so painfully obvious to everyone else?

I was sitting in the lounge the other day when an agent brought some people round to view the house when it was still on the market. All I saw through the window was a fabulously flamboyant man limp-wristing, mincing, lisping, prancing and dancing through the garden and I thought “great, done deal, this house is a party palace, perfect for a gay couple... whoohooo” Happy bubble burst 5 minutes later when his wife (!) who looked like a little brown sparrow next to him walked in carrying a baby on her hip. I have a sneaky suspicion that my jaw did actually drop. Now, seriously, the Rabbit Hole downstairs is the best party place and man cave ever, and when the agent showed the man the pub he barely looked at it twice and I swear I could see a speech bubble above his head saying “bitch please, i don’t drink at home, I go cruising for cock”

I had a friend for many years, Himself always said her toes looked like slap chips, but I digress. Anyway, she was dating a man in his 30’s for four years and all he ever did was kiss her. Once. This man took her to see all the best musical theater productions *jazz hands*, took it upon himself to be her stylist, shopped with her at all the best boutiques... wonderful, yes. For a gay best friend. She could never understand why she was told that rule # 1 was Never. Visit. Unannounced. Oh puuuh-lease, that’s because he's having ‘special time’ with his ‘special friends’. Angels, she honestly thought he never tried to put moves on her because he respected her! Poor thing was devastated when he came out to her and to this day she is trying to pray the gay out of him.... Bless!

I have another friend I’ve known for almost 20 years who shall remain nameless – one of my drag queen friends has dubbed him the ‘Jimmy Swaggart Faggot’ because he’s ‘born again’. (By the way, the same drag queen told me he always knows when a potential lover is 'straight' or married if the guy asks him to keep his bra and high heels on in bed...) Anyhoo, for the first 5 years we were friends I accepted him as gay. I did his make-up, we played dress up, great fun. Imagine my surprise when he introduced his girlfriend to us one day, I almost choked on my vodka. So, they get married and they have 2 kids. He swears to me that he’s straight. I pretend to believe him. 3 months ago he’s visiting with us when Hawtentawt comes rushing into the pub with eyes as big as saucers. Mr ‘Straight’ went to stand behind Hawtentawt outside and started fondling his ears, then asked him if they could meet up at Q-Bar – a gay bar here in town! Personally I think Hawts could have taken one for the team so that I could out that fucker once and for all. It just pisses me off that he has huge opinions on homosexuality and religion / adoption / marriage – to the point where we have stand up arguments and then he’s so deeply fucking closeted he hasn’t seen anything but dust bunnies for years!

I guess the moral of the story is be yourself, be true to yourself, respect yourself and the world will do the same back – and if they don’t, well fuck them.

Geexxx

Like GeeGee on Facebook by clicking HERE

Follow GeeGee on Twitter by clicking HERE

Rather Be Black than Gay

One of my friends recently said “I’d rather be black than gay, at least then I don’t have to tell my mother!” We were talking about coming out of the closet and how difficult it can be. Since I started my blog, I have received numerous e-mails from gay people around the world going through this metamorphosis from effectively living a lie to being their authentic selves. Most usually find themselves in the midst of a crisis. They are scared. They fear being rejected, being hurt and most of all hurting those they love. So why put yourself through this?

Most gay people knew that they were different from a young age. I, for one, knew from my kindergarten days as playing "Cowboys and Crooks" was not as appealing to me then, and I preferred the company of what would later become my "Fag Hags". These days I do not mind smoldering cowboys and the meaning of that game has changed quite significantly. As one grows older the sense that you are different grows stronger and when puberty finally kicks in you start to realize exactly what it is that makes you different.

A couple friends I have spoken to have expressed the sense of isolation they experienced, the fear of having their secret exposed and the difficulty inhibiting their natural sexual urges. Let’s face it being a gay teenager with hormones raging and sex on the brain makes for a fairly precarious predicament! Many challenge their sexual preference but at the end of the day most ended up in some kind of situation with another confused kid of the same gender experimenting with sex. This was done with great caution as being exposed as gay in school could have dire consequences.

Many gay teenagers feel lonely, misunderstood and like they are the only ones in the world. I sure did, and when I did come out in high school my burning flame of fagotary’s light was not well received and High School was not one of my favorite times in my life, but I wear my battle scars with pride. Luckily, today young gay teens no longer have to feel isolated as there are many organizations at their disposal which can assist them and give advice and guidance. Their flames can shine bright instead of being prematurely extinguished!

There are gay people walking around with a sense of guilt about their homosexuality. One such person wrote to me saying that he decided to pursue heterosexual relationships because it would not be fair to his family if he came out: His family would be shamed and he would be ostracized because the community in which he lives were very conservative. Every time he had sex with his girlfriend he would fantasize about guys and he was terrified that she would become aware of this. God forbid he shouted out the name “Jeff” at the peak of passion!

He did eventually come out of the closet. As one would expect his family did not take the news well and neither did his girlfriend. The town folk did not try to chase him out of town with an angry mob carrying garden forks and burning torches, but some did make homophobic remarks and he lost a number of friends. Even though his family did find it difficult to come to terms with having a gay son and hurtful things was said and done, at least he no longer have to live a lie, no longer have to fantasize about men and deceive his girlfriend. He now can be himself. He started a new life, a new beginning, made new friends and become part of a new elaborate rainbow family. It was not easy and his family still has issues, but time heals all wounds and they too will come to realized that he still is the same person he was before he came out and they will love him just the same.

Unfortunately, coming out of the closet could be lethal for some of our gay brothers and sisters. Homosexuality is still illegal in 79 countries in the world and in 8 countries the punishment is death by hanging or even stoning. Countries like Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia and Nigeria are still known to execute homosexuals. In Africa, Uganda now also wants to pass new legislation that too would provide for the execution of homosexuals. Being gay in anyone of these countries is dangerous. I cannot even begin to imagine the utter fear one must live with should your secret be exposed and to what extent they must go to hide who they truly are. The problems and consequences we face when coming out seems insignificant compared to theirs. That’s why we must fight for not only our own rights but also for theirs. This cannot be done from inside the closet!

There are many reasons gay people have for struggling to break free from the confines of the proverbial closest. Some e-mails I received dealt specifically with religion and the great difficulty they experience reconciling their sexual orientation with their religious beliefs and Church. Some gay people even find themselves in Brokeback marriages, or are confused about their sexuality not knowing how to tell their partners they’re bi-sexual or feel they were born into the wrong gender. The conclusion I have drawn from all these people’s messages is that we are all different with our own unique challenges. However, they are never insurmountable and all can be overcome.

Being gay is not a disability, illness or a curse. We should not be stuck in the closet due to shame, fear or guilt – open that door and step into the light. Coming out is never easy and you can expect some turbulence on your flight to freedom - No journey worthwhile is without its challenges. The good news is that you will reach your destination a stronger person and happier we are not called “Gay” for nothing. So kick down that door! Be proud!

Till next time.

What would you do?

What would you do if you overhear a father rebuke his gay son, saw a gay kid being bullied or see a waiter berate a gay couple in front of their children?  Well, ABC News asked the very same question in a series of scenarios using actors to see how the general public will respond when confronted with homophobia.  The results are quite surprising, see for yourself!

Coming Out

There comes a time in every gay person’s life when the claustrophobia and social isolation of the proverbial pink closet becomes too much and you need to step into the sunshine as the fabulous and authentic person you are. A time when you no longer can deny your true nature and the truth needs to be revealed. This experience can be daunting, exhilarating, traumatic and cathartic. All openly gay individuals have their own unique coming out stories and this is mine.

On an autumn Sunday afternoon at the tender age of 16 I decided to step out of the closet. After Sunday lunch I decided to break the news to my utterly unprepared family. My decision to do so was threefold: Firstly I have known that I was gay probably since the age of 6 (I kissed my first boy at that age); Secondly I was growing tired of having to make up lies about why I do not have a steady girlfriend; and Thirdly I no longer wanted to have to lie about the true nature of my “friendships” with certain boys.

I was considerate enough not to drop the bomb during lunch. I didn’t want to spoil the meal or cause anyone to choke on their food and having the family drama spill over to the emergency room. During the washing up the words every parent fear left my lips “Mom… Dad… I am gay…” It was received with a cold silence and a shocked pause. I remember my mother slowly turning around while loosing her grip of a plate that shattered into pieces on the floor much like my heterosexual future she had envisaged for me. In a slow, controlled and slightly strained voice she asked me to repeat myself hoping for a different outcome. “I am gay…” I hesitantly said again. The room flooded with tension, disillusioned stares where exchanged between my sister and father while my mother’s eyes were burning holes through me. In her eyes I could see the death of her imagined grandchildren and the perfect daughter-in-law. Without saying a word she left the kitchen, went to the master bedroom and sobbed behind a locked door for the remainder of the day. My father visibly distraught by my revelation later sat me down and told me that he had always suspected that I was gay. He explained that the gay lifestyle wasn’t what he wanted for me, but if this is what I am he would try to accept it, but it wasn’t going to be easy. My sister was fine with the fact that I am gay, apart from the sex part which “grossed her out”.

The next day at school I was unexpectedly called to the principal’s office. On arrival I found my mother waiting for me. Being in an all boy school, my first thought was that my parents are going to pull me out of school as instead of the testosterone fuelled environment “butching” me up I still became gay. As things turned out she was fetching me to go see a psychologist. After several sessions (10 to be exact) with a slightly homophobic therapist he unenthusiastically revealed to my parents that I was indeed gay and it wasn’t a phase. I remember my mother breaking down, wanting to know from the therapist what she and my dad did wrong causing me to be this way. The fears they had were also revealed: Was I going to get Aids? Am I going to start wearing woman’s clothes or even get a sex change? In retrospect, I guess I can’t blame their ignorance as they never had much exposure to gay people and the stereotypes about the gay community were all they knew. After the therapist explained to them with great compassion that the majority of their fears where unfounded and that they in all probability didn’t cause my homosexuality, their guilt reluctantly started to dissipate over the years to come.

Then the religious issues surfaced. How to be a good Christian and deal with your child being gay? Are you allowed to love your gay son who is condemned to hell by the Church? At this point both my parents had started to accept the fact that I am gay, but both were in denial regarding me being sexually active. You see being gay was not technically viewed as a sin, by them, as long as I didn’t practice the lifestyle. Unfortunately, my mother was yet again due for a rude awakening when she forgot something at home on her way to work. Returning home she walked in on me and my then boyfriend in the heat of passion. She almost died 20 deaths and my boyfriend was expelled from the house and remained in exile for 2 months. I am sure both my parents spend an extra couple of hours in prayer that evening.

When I met my now husband I had been out of the closet for just over 5 years. Both my parents, by this time, had accepted my sexual orientation and lifestyle. They have almost come to view it as “normal” and I was no longer the source of family shame or the result of their souls’ condemnation. My family welcomed my husband into our family with open arms, as he was the equivalent of the perfect “daughter-in-law”, so to speak. Unfortunately, at that time he was still in the closet to his family. After a couple of months, I ushered him out of the closet as I didn’t feel comfortable dating a guy and having to lie to his parents. I gave my husband the opportunity to exit the closet on his own time and on his own terms. He came out to his family in a restaurant. Always a good idea as drama will be limited and he went with his own car for an easy exit. After coming out and the truth about our relationship was revealed, I was banned from my husband’s parents home for 3 years, but he was still allowed to see me. After 11 years his parents too have grown to accept my husband and me for who we are and our relationship for what it is. They now treat me like a son. It wasn’t easy for them either, and like all parents I am sure their hearts were broken at first when the son they had didn’t turn out to be what they had wished for.

Coming out of the closet is different for everyone. We all have different families and friends who react in different ways. Coming out is a rebirth and it can be a painful experience for all involved. Those of us who are lucky have family and friends who understand that even though we are gay and live a different lifestyle we remain the persons we were before we exited the closet. They love us just the same and wish us happiness and true love as they do everyone else. I have a lot of respect for families and friends of gay people who support their gay children and peers. They are the unsung heroes who should also be celebrated. As both my family and that of my husband have come to realize, having a gay child and brother is not the end of the world. We can still make them proud and live healthy, constructive and happy lives. This month I have been out of the closet for 16 years and am still proud, queer and here!

Till next time.

Prayers for Bobby- Trailer
True story of Mary Griffith, gay rights crusader, whose teenage son committed suicide due to her religious intolerance. Based on the book of the same title by Leroy Aarons. Stars Sigourney Weaver.

It Will Get Better!

Nine out of ten gay teenagers experience bullying or harassment in school. Gay teenagers are also four times likelier to commit suicide. The statistics are shocking, but I too was part of this statistic once. You see I too experienced bullying and harassment in school, and I write this blog post for all those gay kids out there who feel isolated, misunderstood, scared and alone. I write this for you to tell you it will get better and you are not alone.

There are many gay teens out there in the world who is struggling to come to terms with their sexual orientations. Too many times they have to hear homosexuality is wrong, it is a sin to be gay or even that being gay is an abomination. They are called faggots, queers and are made to feel less than human. I know, because I once also was that teen who had to listen to this intolerance and hate. I too had to endure the teasing, the name calling, the endless bullying and yes, I too was made to feel like I was broken. I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me, something that should be fixed and if only I had the will power, I too could change and be normal, be normal like my friends.

You see no one chooses to be gay. I didn’t wake up one morning and decided I wanted to be different. I was born this way, this is what I was meant to be and yet the world wanted me to change. For a long time I kept my thoughts and feelings hidden away from my friends and family, it was my secret and if it were to come out I feared I would be rejected. I feared that I would no longer be loved.

For the longest time I felt like I was the only gay person in the world. The only thing I yearned for was to see and talk to other gay people as I had so many questions. I wanted to know whether things would be OK, I wanted to know what I could expect from live, will it be worth it, could I be gay and be happy and have a normal life, will I be able to fall in love with a man, get married, have children and I also had allot of question about sex and AIDS.

Little did I know that even in my own school there were others that were just like me – confused, scared and also carrying the burden of a secret with them like a cross on their backs that no one saw. Then the bullying started. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” simply isn’t true! Words hurt more than people know and words can also kill. I was not the only kid to suffer at the hands of bullies, but I was targeted because I was gay. Other kids were targeted because they wore glasses, had red hair, and were scrawny or fat. We all suffered, some suffered more than others.

Many days I went home from school and spend hours alone in my room thinking. I would be angry because I was different, I was angry at God because why did he make me the way he did. I would also be sad and many times I envied my straight friends. I envied them because society didn’t discriminate against them. I envied them because they were “normal”. It was a difficult time, a lonely time and I had nobody with whom I could share my anguish, talk to about my feelings or a shoulder to cry on, because I was scared and I didn’t feel like I could trust anybody, because what would happen if they learned my secret?

At that time I didn’t know that there were organizations I could contact who could help me make sense of my life and make sense of my feelings. Places I could go where there were people just like me, people who have experienced all I was going through and could give me valuable advice. So I went through it alone. But you don’t have to because you are not alone.

I survived high school, I survived the teasing, and the bullying and I survived the name calling. I survived not because I am stronger than you and not because I’m lucky, I survived because I knew deep down in my heart that things would get better one day, and it did and I am alive and blessed to be able to tell this to you today.

Today I am a happy gay man. I have married the man of my dreams and I am living a normal and fulfilled live, as normal as any of my straight friends. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and both our families have accepted us and our relationship. It wasn’t always easy for them but their hearts and minds did change. My husband and I have our ups and downs in our relationship like any other couple, but we love each other. I have a career where I am openly gay and I am not discriminated against in my work place but instead I am respected by my peers. I have come a long way since high school and I have no reason to fear admitting that I am gay - instead I am proud of it. It did get better and it is worth it!

No matter what they call you, what they say behind your back or write on your locker, you should never be ashamed of yourself. No matter how bad it seems right now, just know it will get better. There are thousands of other kids just like you and thousands more who will love you and accept you for who and what you are. You are not alone. You are special and precious and the world needs you. When times get tough and you feel like you had enough, please pick up the phone and call one of our many gay community centres. Your gay brothers and sisters are out there and we do want to help, because we love you just the way you are.  So please remember that you're not alone and it will get better!

Till next time.

This is especially for all the bullies and homophobes out there.

Deceived by Monsters

The Internet has become such an integral part of all our lives that very few of us can do without it. It has made our daily lives easier and the world accessible to all. Social Networking Sites has also become a tool used by many to stay in touch with friends and family, meet new people and maybe even find that all elusive soul mate. However, with the good also comes the bad: Some people use the Internet with malicious intent, some are predators feeding off the gullible and others want to satisfy their own demented fantasies leaving a trail of virtual victims in their data tracks. This led me to ask: Do we really know who we are chatting to on the other side of our Internet cable?
Last week I reported on the suicide of a person that was one of my Facebook friends. We chatted a few times, he had mentioned wanting to come out of the closet and sometime during December 2009, whilst doing “cyber housekeeping”, I deleted him as a friend as I had reached my friend limit on that site. Learning of his suicide I was devastated as is evident from my blog post “Rather Have a Gay Child than a Dead Child?”. The issue of gay teen suicide has long been a matter of grave concern and an issue very dear to me. By Friday it was revealed that the whole thing was a hoax. By Saturday it was confirmed through the media. I was shocked, angry, felt abused and also embarrassed for being gulable and deceived to this extend. The perpetrator of this hoax had made a mockery of teen suicide, tarnished the image of the gay community and damaged the integrity of my blog!

From reports it was learned that the profile was fake and possibly as many as 3 other profiles are linked to the same account. This amount to 4 profiles (possibly more) all managed by the same person who nobody knows, have ever met and the motive behind the hoax and future malevolent endeavours of this person is anybody’s guess. Over 1200 people we distraught with grief, including myself. Over 1200 people were lied to and upset over the “suicide” of a very convincing and totally fictional character.
This is nothing new as many people misrepresent themselves on the Internet: The old socially maladjusted overweight guy posing as a twenty year old hunk, the fourteen year old girl pretending to be 18, the sexual offender looking for his next victim. We all know they are out there, and chances are you have chatted to one of them. The anonymity the Internet provides makes it very easy for any person to create a whole different persona for themselves – the person they wish they were or the shadow that lurks in the deepest disturbing fantasies they no longer can or have to suppress. In this virtual realm they can say and do things they would never do in the real world. They can live vicariously through their alter ego and when they tire of it just discard it or in this case kill it off. However, not all such instances are innocent and some of these individuals pose a severe threat.
It is well known that paedophiles prowl around in Chat Rooms and Social Networking Sites, patiently enticing their potential victims into their web with attractive lies. They gain their victims trust and before long the damage is done and a child is hurt. The frightening aspect is that some victims never even know they have been done any harm. I learned of a paedophile that pretended to be the same age as his victims and convinced them to send him pornographic photos of themselves all of which ended up on several child pornography websites. Once these images are on the web there is no way of stopping its distribution after it has been downloaded! This does not only happen to children and many adults have been victimized in the same manner.
The virtual dating scene is another sea of data to be sailed with caution. Who’s to say the profile picture you see is indeed the person you will meet? How much can one really learn about another person just from e-mails and online chatting? I know of a few people who have met the love of their lives on the Internet, and yes I am sure there are many success stories. However, horror stories are also abundant. It’s easier for some people to communicate over the Internet and have a whole relationship that includes cybersex with another person. The fantasy of a perfect partner sustain these relationships but once the relationship is brought into reality it soon disintegrates as pressures of the real world and real needs burns away the illusion. Some discover truths about their online partner’s shady past too late, some people gained stalkers instead of lovers, and some people received regret instead of love.
I too now have my own Internet horror story of deception and embarrassment. For some reason I believe, deep down, we want to trust people and believe what they say is true. Does this make us gullible? Maybe it does! We sometimes forget as we enter the virtual world real human beings also venture there with us and we can’t see them as they truly are. In some instances only a computer screen, keyboard and an internet connection stands between us and monsters.

Till next time.

The Perils Of Internet Dating

Rather Have a Gay Child than a Dead Child?

This past weekend tragedy struck. I was informed early Monday morning that a friend with whom I had occasional contact committed suicide. He decided to Come Out to his parents and family on Sunday and this was not well received. He then wrote a poem and published it on Facebook expressing his anguish. Later, Sunday evening he wrote a farewell message to all his friends, and at the age of 18 he killed himself. I am not sure exactly what transpired between him and his family that caused this heartbreak, but it begs the question all parents of gay teens should ask themselves – Would you rather have a gay child or a dead child?

Admittedly when I received this sad news I had many questions. However, I soon realized that “would haves” and “could haves” will not bring him back to life and “what if’s” will not turn back the clock. Many people say that suicide is a cowardly act, but I think until you have been to the edge of despair and imprisoned in the dark cloud of hopelessness none of us can judge. Yes, I admit that I blame his parents. Their reaction and/or intolerance could have been the final catalyst that pushed him over the edge. However, none of us know the true course of events preceding his death and the pain his parents and family must be experiencing none of us can begin to fathom. This wound will scar his family for many years to come, but let’s hope something positive will emerge from this, even if it’s just a lesson or a wakeup call for other families.

Sadly, suicides amongst gay teens aren’t uncommon. Gay youths are 2-4 times more likely to take their own lives than their heterosexual counterparts. There are many reasons for this but the top ranking reason is Family Rejection: Being still dependent on their families for both emotional and physical support, being rejected by their primary support structure could be devastating. The actual or imagined threat of being disowned, left homeless or being physically harmed by a family member could further discourage gay youths to reveal their sexual orientation; when they then do Come Out and any of these fears materializes the result could be fatal. Furthermore, the added stress of living in a society that is homophobic also place further stress on both the gay teen and their family and discrimination and ignorance underlies many instances where gay youths committed suicide.

On a social level gay teens also face several other challenges that could seem insurmountable. Apart from running the risk of being ostracised by their friends, becoming victims of bullying and/or hate crimes, even in their own religious community they may face discrimination that legitimizes homophobia. All these factors make the Coming Out process more treacherous and unappealing, forcing these teens to hide their sexual orientation from people around them. For those gay teens that have traits stereotypically associated with homosexuality hiding their sexual orientation becomes even more difficult and they are most at risk to fall pray to homophobic attacks and more likely to attempt suicide and succeed.

Luckily, many Gay Community Centres have been established to support gay people of all ages dealing with issues ranging from Coming Out to Mental Health Issues. In several countries there are also hotlines that can be phoned that provides free counselling and support not only for troubled gay teen but also for their families. However, like I have experienced this week for some help comes too late and who is to blame for this?

With my friend’s suicide I can’t help but wonder why a young man at the age of 18, about to enter the prime of his life would end it so abruptly. Yes, he may have faced some, maybe all or even more of the challenges I mentioned here. But having had access to Gay Community Centres and friends why did he not reach out and cried for help? Some would argue the poem he wrote was just that – a cry for help! Many people did see it as such and appealed for assistance which they received, yet none of it saved him. He slipped through all the proverbial cracks in what I now believe to be the flawed GLBT support structures. Maybe we have become to reliant on Community Centres to do all the work in our communities for us, maybe we have become too self-involved that a simple kind gesture of reaching out to our fellow human beings (gay and straight) have become too much of an effort, maybe we have lost our sense of empathy and humanity, just maybe all of us are to blame…

The world has lost a gentle soul. His death is a tragic one and leaves us with many unanswered questions. Questions that may never be answered, but on their reflection might just improve each and every one of us, enlighten others, help save lives and guarantee that one person’s untimely departure may leave a positive and lasting change.

Till next time...

Homophobic Homos?

Recently coming across a YouTube video by a young man talking about homophobic gay guys not only had me intrigued but also quite troubled. In this video he spoke about how in the last 2 years (after coming out of the closet) he has come across more homophobic gay guys than straight guys. He further put forth his own analysis of this phenomenon. He just being 22, I must admit although he’s very cute and my natural gay instinct was to stare at his lovely topless body I did pay attention the video’s content. Although I disagree with a few points he made, the fundamental question raised is interesting. Are there really homophobic gay guys out there?

As we all know the gay community is very fickle over just about everything. I have found that it can be difficult to get GLBT people to get off their asses to do something for a cause if it does not include a parade, a party and/or alcohol. We also, at times, appear to have a slight attention span problem and also tend to disagree allot about a multitude of issues. In my opinion, this is normal as we are all individuals, with different priorities and different preferences.

Being part of a community does not imply mindless conformity because if it did, we would be one hell of a boring bunch. Yet, with all our differences we still classify ourselves into categories in the gay community based on our age, appearance, preferences and attitudes. We get the twinks, bears, bear cups, leather daddies, butch, femme, tops, bottoms, straight acting, stephford fags, jocks, drag queens, transvestites, lipstick lesbians and I could go on. I belive categorizing ourselves in this manner is an attempt not only to acknowledge our differences but also to achieve a sense of community. We are after all as diverse as the colors of the rainbow flag that represents us.

So why in a community as varied as ours and with such a plethora of opportunity for inclusion do we still get the odd queer that would state he/she hates gays? Personally I have crossed paths with a few of them and in most cases the experience left me flabbergasted. I mean really… you are gay, in a gay club playing tonsil hockey and in all probability will later play hide the sausage with another man and afterwords will be basking in the satisfaction of off loading your primal desires, yet you don’t like gays? The same goes for carpet munchers who have their cake and eat it and with the tingling taste of sugar still on their tongue declare they hate lesbians. My first reaction would always be a sarcastic frown (when I still could in my pre-Botox phase) and with my head bopping and fingers clicking would say “Girlfriend you are confused!” Do they really hate gays, or is it self-loathing or disillusionment with the homosexual lifestyle?

It’s bad enough to deal with homophobic heterosexuals but when it comes to homophobic homos it’s like the kettle calling the pot black. Being the curious creature I am I could not let this go and engaged some of these controversial homophobic homos. What I found was that in the majority of the cases the statements was based only on aspects of homosexuality and not on its entirety. Some were merely irritated with their perceptions of and experiences with the gay lifestyle that included promiscuity, drug abuse, relationship issues, elitism, ageism, superficiality and ostracism. Some were personally hurt by the gay community either through repetitive failed relationships, the choice of bad friends and/or having fallen victim to discrimination due to their specific category in the gay community and not receiving the support they craved from the community itself. It was not that they hated gay people they hated what had happened to them and they were not likely to go burn the gay flag at some rodeo or sport event or protest at gay clubs and bars.

On the other spectrum there were those gay homophobes that truly meant what they said. Whether their strong aversion stems from self-loathing, denial, or like a friend pointed out, their own feelings of guilt that they are transferring to a whole community is not always crystal clear. I guess if you were raised in a community where homosexuality is frowned upon (to put it mildly) and fear and denial of who and what you really are combines, the outwardly expression of their own insecurity and personal conflict will materialize in homophobia. They are the ones most likely to join these weird and sinister Christian groups that convert homosexuals with prayer, Bible study and group meetings. It’s like AA for gays, however it led me wonder whether it is not only making things worse for them to fight a part of themselves which they can’t really fix? In this light shouldn’t their homophobia be seen as a cry for help?

It’s sad but true there really are homophobic homos out there. Some gay people make reckless and derogatory statements about our community in the heat of the moment but once cooled down their rainbows shine bright once again. Unfortunately we also have those brothers and sisters who are in the midst of a terrible storm and can, for the moment, not see past the dark clouds, pouring rain and lightning. We as a GLBT community should have patience with them and help them weather the storm so once the sun emerges they too will see their true colors shine bright and be proud.

Till next time.

Homophobic Gay Guys

The Testosterone Club

The ever elusive inner circle of the “all boys club” has always seemed quite inaccessible to me. However, in recent weeks, I have become privy to this enigmatic phenomenon. What I found was that being one of the boys aka “testosterone club” is not all it’s cracked up to be, and I’d much rather prefer the company of my fag hags and fellow queers.
Since a young age I never quite fit into what is referred to as gender appropriate behaviour for a heterosexual boy. My 1st kindergarten report card, which my nostalgic mother kept, was proof of this. The report card read that I was developing as normal, my speech, vocabulary and eye-hand-coordination was above average. However, the teachers noticed my refusal to play with gender appropriate toys and the absence of same gender friends. The fact that I kept the company of the opposite sex when it came to play time was of concern and my parents were advised to encourage me to befriend other boys. Little did they know what the consequences of that would be! The last straw was an incident when we were made to play dress up. I had 3 choices of costumes: A Cow Boy, a Clown or a Witch. Naturally, I choose the Witch to the great disillusionment of my teachers. The resulting photo which I proudly presented to my mom left her unimpressed, little worried and the next day I had a "play date" with the neighbour’s rambunctious boy – a friendship that was uneasy and brief.
When it came to high school, my parents had the brilliant idea of sending me to a very prestigious all-boy school in an effort to butch me up. It didn’t have the desired effect in fact it was quite the opposite. In high school I did make male friends but never found myself a member of any “all boys club” but rather stayed on the periphery of popularity and complete social acceptance rather opting to associate myself with the outcasts and rebels as they were my kind off people – the minority group of non-conformists with as strong sense of individuality. Instead of reinforcing heterosexual male values and behavioural patterns, I instead burst out of the proverbial closet at age 16 proclaiming my sexual orientation to the great dismay of my school and family. I started my own elitist “all-boys club”. The club was so elitist it only had 1 member – me!
So when, in the last few weeks, I was accepted into another elitist “all boys club” I thought this would be my chance at redemption and finally being able to decipher the mystery that is heterosexual male bonding. At 1st it was moderately exciting but I soon grew bored as I realized I had very little in common with this group of men: I don’t like sports; I have no desire to understand sports and I have no yearning to talk about women’s boobs and asses, cars, golf or hunting. I found myself in conversations watching their lips move but only hearing white noise, as I zoned out thinking about what I was going to cook for supper or when my next Botox treatment was. The only thing we had in common were a penis and even that commonality would fade into obscurity as our choice of usage conflicted. I found their bonding ritual queer and their topical conversations tedious, not even the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol could blur the dichotomy that is our lifestyles and interests.
When I had to participate in a fairly large scale move as part of the boys last week, I had an epiphany. The move was well organized, timed and executed with military precision. The only flaw in their well laid plan would be my role. As the “gay guy” in the group I presumed I would have a supervisory task (god forbid they would expect me to do any heavy lifting!) As fate would have it, they didn’t make any distinctions between members and therefore I would not receive any “special treatment”. I was to put in the same physical effort as all the other men – oh the horror! As I hauled my first 4 boxes up 3 flights of stairs being a member of the boys club seemed less and less appealing. This fairy wasn’t having fun anymore! I kept thinking to myself gays would pay people to do the heavy lifting for us as we would hire staff – it’s called job creation! Not wanting to disturb the peace I kept my mouth shut! After 3 hours of physical torture my ordeal was finally over. The move was finished and so was my membership to this club. Gay men and straight men can get along just fine, but personally I felt I over stayed my welcome in their testosterone filled world and desperately wanted to submerge myself back into my natural gay habitat doing gay things with gay people and talk about gay stuff. My final and appropriate salute to this “all boys club” was with the downing a few beers as I left their world shortly after chased with a margarita back in my natural gay biosphere.

The “all boys club” is a phenomenon that has been with us for centuries. Having infiltrated one such group and having been part of their bonding, activities and private discourse, I must say I found it less exciting than I anticipated. Straight guy’s interests, at times, seemed odd, boring and taxing. Being a member of the "testosterone club" definitely wasn’t one of the highlights of my social calendar. I wonder how straight men would fare spending a couple of weeks with their gay counterparts. Would our activities bore them as much as theirs did me? Would they actually enjoy some of the frivolous gay banter and reckless abandon of stereotypical male activities? This would be a challenge I would like to see.

Till next time.

So You're Having a Gay Baby!
Gay Comedian Jonny McGovern's 3 Dollar Bill featuring Murray Hill

Cyber Bully

Most of us have experienced bullying at some stage in our lives. Whether it was on the play ground, classroom, neighbourhood, social circle or in the office. You may even have been guilty of bullying yourself? I have seen and experienced bullying on many levels but the most recent form of bullying I found quite intriguing. I have come to realized that as we mature so does bullying and the nuances and techniques becomes more sophisticated. I have also pondered the motivation behind bully’s actions. Is their intention to emotionally hurt you, just shame you or is it about power?

My first experience with a bully was in high school. Even back then with the way I looked and sounded it took no rocket scientist to figure out I was gay. So it’s no surprise the School Jocks “bully radar” went crazy when I appeared within range. As bullying goes, it started off with a few derogatory words uttered behind my back, later evolving into insults and ended up with full scale altercations. Getting into a bitch fight with any gay man is never a good idea, but back then my tongue was not as lethal as it is now. My high school experiences with bullies sharpened my tongue to a formidable weapon. I made a choice back then, if being gay was the reason for the taunting I would take away the bully’s power and take ownership my identity. After coming out of the closet my “open secret” was confirmed and the bully no longer had sufficient ammunition to utilize or the power of certain words to insult me. Calling someone a “faggot” who admits to being one and is not ashamed of it takes all the fun out of bullying.

At university I was introduced to the world of the Social and Academic bullies. They were the ones who either came from very wealthy families or were the 3rd or 4th generation of surgeons and/or lawyers. This category of bully believed that they were superior to everyone else. They treated others like oxygen thieves, second class citizens and/or the help. They had their own special little code of conduct, social rules and aristocratic air about them. Their form of bullying consisted more about making others appear invisible and insignificant. They clearly distinguish between “old” and “new” money and many of them was riding on the coat tails of their families. We normal folk tended to avoid them at all costs as we would always be brutally reminded of our ordinariness and working class status. However, when our paths crossed the tension had the potential of escalating into a full on street fight not unlike those found in a bad musical. Their sense of superiority was nauseating and when ever they failed their exams most of us secretly giggled as we realized that good breading and wealth is no substitute for hard work and doesn’t guarantee intelligence or success.

Having experienced and dealt with many bullies in high school, university and later at worked I had become quite proficient in dealing with them effectively. So when I was attacked by a Cyber Bully on the internet last week I was taken a back. Cyber bullying has emerged as the newest tool in the bully’s arsenal. What makes Cyber Bullying even more interesting is the fact that the bully can choose to stay anonymous and the harassment can be multi-dimensional and multi-national. I have never experienced this form of bullying before, even though I was aware of its existence.

Apparently my Cyber Bully is a man who has a very low opinion of my blog and a strong loathing for me as a person. If I recall correctly my blog was described by him in one post as idiotic and stupid (which I believe imply the same thing) and a total waste of bandwidth (which I found harsh). He decided to spread his opinions of me and my blog on the Internet (amongst other websites was Facebook). Living in a country where we respect freedom of expression I found myself with a conundrum: I cannot censor this person as he has the right to critique my blog if he feels the burning desire to do so; however, when he attacked me as a person I have the right to act. I must admit when I came across his fierce diatribes about me on a few Facebook groups I was shocked and a little bit angry. No I must not lie… actually I was pissed off as all hell!!! After the initial shock wore off, and calm returned to my world I decided to contact him. I drafted the most diplomatically letter I could muster that would make any United Nations representative proud. After the message was sent the hateful postings seized and I am still awaiting his response. Maybe he's busy creating a hate page for me as I type this. If so, I must admit it would be flattering in a very demented way.

Bullies can be annoying, make you feel bad about yourself and also invoke strong emotions. Whether you are targeted because you’re too thin, too fat, too gay, too tall, too short or whatever other obscure reasons bullies find to harass you, just remember they can only harm you if you give them the power to do so. I have learned that if you do not stand up for yourself, the bully retains all the power and that the majority of the time their urge to bully emanates form strong insecurities, jealousy and/or need to attain power to compensate for their own imperfections or sense of powerlessness. Yes, you will have an adverse emotional reaction with the initial onslaught as did I with my Cyber Bully, but take it from whom it comes, believe in yourself and respect yourself enough not to let it affect you. Never allow anyone to devalue who you are.

Till next time.

Rick Mercer's Rant - Bullying