Heterosexuality - A Queer Perspective

In all my gay years I have often been asked many questions by well meaning heterosexuals, questions that often times starts with the phrase “Can I ask you something personal?” The questions that follow usually would be about my queerness, our gay old lifestyle and homosexual intercourse. And I have always answered these questions, frankly and in great descriptive detail, sometimes to the regret of the questioner. So now I thought it appropriate to flip the tables and ask a few questions of my own about heterosexuality that I have been burning to ask for years. So here goes…

I have always wondered whether straight folk where "born that way" or whether heterosexuality is actually a lifestyle choice. You see I have been pondering on this for a while. Why on earth would any person choose to be straight? Straight folk never have any fun. They never have any colorful parades.  They only dress up once a year for Halloween. Very few have any fashion sense and then there’s the small little horror of accidentally falling pregnant – something that never happens with homosexuals!  Or at least the ones I know off.

Straight folk’s lives are also predictable and scripted. They are expected to achieve certain milestones at certain times in their lives – get married, get pregnant, raise the kids, get them out of the house at 21 and nag the next generation to procreate in order to reach the final milestone of becoming grandparents. Gay folk don’t have these pressures. We can meander through a full life without being expected to do any of these things - we only do some of it because we choose to.

And then there is the sex. I don’t understand heterosexual intercourse and I find it puzzling. Firstly, the equipment that’s to be utilized for pleasure differs vastly in mechanics, design and general function. At least with homosexuals we have an innate understanding and intimate knowledge of our sex partner’s erogenous areas, the only thing that differs is the model size, religious cosmetic alterations and grooming.

Queers don’t necessarily have to learn how to swim in the sea of pleasure, we can jump right in, have a splash and both can make it to shore satisfied. With heterosexuals I suspect this may be slightly different and some experience is required before they get their sea legs. This being said, heterosexual sex must be terrifying and possibly dangerous!

Imagining the experience of heterosexual intercourse could easily make a standard homosexual lightheaded. Having seen the female anatomy in all its glory a few times in my life (for which there will follow no explanation or elaboration) I just can’t figure out why straight guys enjoy it.

The vigina must be the strangest organ in all creation. It’s a curious little fleshy miniature canyon with understated accessories sometimes hidden by a forest and other times just plain bare. Then there are the breasts for which I fail to see the purpose off during intercourse. It seems like they would just get in the way and could potentially be hazardous. Depending whether they are coconuts or tennis balls they do have the potential to cause a concussion or lead to suffocation.

The actual act of heterosexual intercourse I think we can all figure out on our own. The train goes into the tunnel and then comes again, as Freud would say. But, I have heard some straight guys boast, when trying to make straight sex seem better than gay sex, by stating that they have a choice of three orifices to choose from, whereas gay men only have two. To which I ussually candidly resond "Well honestly, I do really just care about the two!" Besides I always also tend to take matters that one step further by asking the said heterosexual guy’s girlfriend whether she has taken it up the ass before and if not I am always willing to give her some pointers.

But then having sex with straight men could be daunting too. For woman having to deal with a penis and testicles could pose their own challenges as not all men are created equal and not all men tend to their gardens, if you know what I mean. Being faced with an erect penis and not knowing how it works could easily lead to confusion.  And when it’s surrounded with a moist and uncultivated tropical rain forest, its appeal factor can easily drop to zero. Then there are the differences: some wieners are turtle necks and others are kosher, and some women prefer the one over the other as do we queer folk.

The last thing I have wondered about is, can heterosexuals see and appreciate the beauty of people of their own gender. If a straight guy walks down the street and see another guy who’s attractive, well build and groomed can he say to his mates or girlfriend “Wow” without having his own masculinity threatened or questioned? Or can a woman admire another without thinking she has lesbian tendencies. We queer folk can do that all the time, gay guys appreciate good looking women, lesbians can acknowledge a fine male speciment, but that does not mean we want to sleep with them. Can straight folk do the same?

Yes, heterosexuality is a queer phenomenon that’s highly prevalent, very public and truly fascinating. I don’t think I will ever understand it and the fact that they flaunt their sexual preference and lifestyle choice in our streets, offices, shopping malls and on television sure isn’t making it easy to ignore them. At least they don’t have a flag yet, but I’m sure that too will happen someday. Even though I don’t understand it, sometimes don’t approve of it, I accept my heterosexual friends, family and colleagues just the way they are – they are people too and the heart doesn’t choose who you love.

Till next time.

Margaret Cho: Beautiful

If Gay Guys said the shit Straight People say to us...

Daniel-Ryan Spaulding is a Comedian based in Europe, exploring gender, sexuality, culture, stereotypes & identity. For More Videos & Tour Dates this Summer: @dr_spaulding SUBSCRIBE to the Channel & Join Facebook Fan Page: www.facebook.com/danielryanspaulding

How to tell if your boyfriend is gay.

Do you have a straight girlfriend? Do you suspect her boyfriend is gay?  Well if you do then show her this video.  It will clear things right up.  It's a public service I'm providing with the help of Davey Wavey and Tyran Southern.  You should thank us, really.

What Straight Folks Should Know

Believe it or not, but I deal with a lot of heterosexual people on a daily basis.  Call it an occupational hazard if you will.  You see, I am not lucky enough to work in a queer dominated environment and some days are harder than others for this lone homosexual.  But I somehow always seem to make it through the day, most times, only partially unscathed.  So in an effort to make our coexistence with our straight folk more amiable, this Feigele decided to come up with a few handy hints for heterosexuals when meeting and/or interacting with queer folk.

The average heterosexual who has never interacted with or met a homosexual could display behavior very similar to that of a cat when introduced to another feline for the very first time.  The heterosexual could feel anxious, threatened and could even display territorial behavior.  This is normal.  When faced with this situation it is important to fight the urge to run screaming from the room.  This is rude and will only agitate the homosexual.  It’s better to rather just back away facing the homosexual and to do so slowly and with discretion.

Not all heterosexuals feel the urge to flee at the sight of homosexuals as some find us quite intriguing.  Unfortunately these are also usually the same individuals who are inherently narcissistic.  These are the type of people who believe that everything with a pulse is sexually attracted to them.  When it comes to homosexuals do not assume that all homosexuals are attracted to you or want to get into your pants.

The typical homosexual has very specific and high standards and chances are good that you don’t meet or even come close to them.  On the flip side, also do not assume that the homosexual is not attracted to you.  Sure this sounds confusing, and it really is, but homosexuals are notoriously fickle and changing our minds on a whim is our thing.  Besides if the homosexual is horny standards tend to go by the waste side anyway.  So to be on the safe side all heterosexuals should always carry with them some KY and condoms.

One of the most common mistakes the average heterosexual make is to assume that the homosexual is as excited about meeting a “heterosexual” as you are to meet an actual gay person.  We are not!  Most of us were raised by heterosexuals and are /or have been in psychotherapy as a result of this.  Besides before artificial insemination where the hell do you think we came from?  The planet Homo?

When meeting your very first homosexual try to contain your excitement, speak softly and in a low voice and if at all possible try and make as little direct eye contact as possible.  Physical contact and sudden movements should also be avoided and as soon as the homosexual looks bored it is your signal to leave.  When departing it is again important that you slowly and discreetly back away facing the homosexual and also make sure that all reflective surfaces and shiny jewelry on your person is concealed.

One thing guaranteed to annoy the homosexual is when a heterosexual, upon meeting the homosexual, immediately start talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife as to make it clear that they are straight.  If you feel so strongly about your heterosexuality and that the world should know that you are straight why don’t you just carry a sign around your neck?

In such situations don’t be shocked if the homosexual start making a high pitched yodeling sound.  This is the homosexual’s gaydar being activated to verify your heterosexuality.  Homosexuals are trying to phase out brokeback marriages and any straight person so adamant about flaunting their sexual orientation will draw suspicion and warrant closer inspection.  This could see your name ending up on our recruitment list.  Good for us, not so good for you.

The average heterosexual when meeting a gay person for the first time understandably may have many questions.  But before you ask any question first ask yourself this “Would it not be better to rather Google it?”  After all you would not want to embarrass yourself by asking stupid questions like “How did you get gay?  So who’s the man and who’s the woman?  When did you choose to be gay?”

You will immediately know when you have asked a stupid question because the homosexual will roll his eyes, lift up his hand, swing in with a head bob and berate you for half an hour.  It will feel a bit like you are being psychologically mauled by a wild animal and being told off by an intelligent crack whore.  Either way, it won’t be fun, you will be guaranteed not to make the same mistake twice and in some instance you may also require a tetanus shot or two.

Another common assumption the average heterosexual make is that all homosexuals are dying to talk about being gay.  It’s not like all queers have received formal Public Relations training from Queer HQ and it is their jobs to promote our fabulous lifestyle.  That’s why we have television, the internet and propaganda.

But also don’t assume or expect the homosexual not to talk about being gay.  You may have just run into one of the queers that have received PR training from Queer HQ.  In such an instance your attempts to change the topic of conversation will be interpreted as a sign of hostility and as a result you will be placed onto our Watch List.  And believe you me, you do NOT want to be on our Watch List!

The last tip for the average heterosexual when meeting a homosexual for the first time is to not trivialize our experience by assuming it is just about sex.  We are gay 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and we take our homosexuality very seriously.  If you trivialize our experience we will make you feel like you are hung like a Tic Tac and will in all probability end up calling you a Breeder or worse.  If the homosexual in that situation also has not had sex in while you could possibly be on the receiving end of physical violence or at the very least – a bitch slap!

If you are straight and read this whole article up to here, you have taken your first step to becoming a better heterosexual.  You should immediately go stand in front of the mirror and say that you are proud of yourself.  Then go out in public and hug the first homosexual you see and give some cash to PFLAG.

It’s not difficult getting along with us queers as long as you stick to these handy hints and guidelines.  If more straight folks do, the world would be a gayer place and who knows, maybe one day when we succeed in our devious plan for world domination we may even re-consider our position on heterosexuals and slavery.  Remember the homosexual may forgive but the homosexual never forgets so it is best not to piss us off.

Till next time.

Queer Myths Explained (Part II)

-Part II-

We queer folk are an interesting bunch and this must be the reason our community’s flag is that of the rainbow. Queers comes in all shapes and sizes usually packaged in well thought out designer outfits and gorgeous accessories, sequence and feathers or draped in flannel or strapped into leather. No wonder heterosexuals sometimes are so easily confused when it comes to the gay community. This is the second installment of my dispelling and explaining some common myths about homosexuals.
Is homosexuality just a phase? Seriously people, one confused and semi crazy actress called Anne Heche does not represent the gay community. Apart from thinking she was gay while with Ellen DeGeneres she also believed a spaceship would come and take her away. Homosexuality is as much a phase as the earth is flat. Many parents of gay children may want to cling to this myth hoping that their kids will one day wake up and be “cured”.

Homosexuality cannot be outgrown like childhood allergies and no amount of therapy and/or prayer will magically cure a queer. You may confuse the average homosexual for a short period of time with threats of "Hell" and psychotherapy by an unethical therapist, but this will only lead to a brief phase of pseudo heterosexuality, which is the breeding ground for many Brokeback Marriages.
Lesbians and gay men are homosexual because they have been hurt by the opposite sex. Even though some research has suggested that some women who experienced sexual abuse may be attracted to other women, it should also be noted that the same research suggested that these woman also would have a tendency to be overweight.

If being hurt by the opposite sex is the root cause of homosexuality there would have been a whole lot more queer folk out there, don't you think? I know of at least five of my straight friends who suffered great hardship caused by their former lovers and none of them turned gay.
Why do butch lesbians never wear dresses? They never wear dresses because if they do they would look like drag queens. Some hardcore feminist lesbians also do not shave their legs and arm pits and don’t wear bras. Coincidentally, I know of at least one such feminist lesbian and she only wears dresses. Maybe she prefer dresses because her natural body hair keeps her warm and cosy and if she had to wear pants without natural ventilation she’d over heat.

Secondly, butch lesbians may find it harder to win in a bar fight if they were restricted by a dress and high heels. The only homosexual that will convincingly be the victor in such a bar fight will be a drag queen who have been specially trained for brawls in her sequenced dress and 9 inch stilettos.
All homosexuals will try to get into your pants. Queer folk have better things to do than to try and deflower unsuspecting straight folk. We are far too busy to plot and scheme what the new fashion trends will be for the coming season, planning and attending pride parades, fighting for our rights and not to mention trying to find time to have sex amongst ourselves.

For all the straight guys out there, have a good look at some of the gay boys. Most of us are well groomed, go to the gym, use face products and actually tend to our unwanted man hair down there. None of us have a fervent desire to go on an expedition through your Amazon to locate your “anaconda” or your “chocolate tunnel”.

Unless you are the Marlboro Man and actually knows what to do when faced with another penis you are safe. The professional homosexual will not have the time or patience to break in a straight person and to teach them the elaborate and flamboyant ways of our people.
Homosexual wants to recruit you. I have dealt with this myth before in my article “The Sodomites Wants to Recruit You”. No, we are not on a major recruitment drive. Our numbers are not dwindling instead, through natural selection, our numbers are actually increasing. If we wanted to recruit the unsuspecting heterosexual some major effort would have to go into the vetting of such a person.

He must have an innate sense of style, be able to name at least 6 variation of the colour pink, be able to dance and know all the words of the songs of at least one musical and three Cher albums.

She would have to know what a spark plug is and what it is used for, be able to change a tire, be able to name and be able to use at least five power tools, know the names and words of speeches of three famous feminists and be able to brake a mirror with her fist without cutting herself.

So any straight people who fit any of these criteria please contact your nearest PFLAG centre and ask for the recruitment office.
So there you have it in a nutshell, some of the myths and questions I have been asked most frequently. Yes, we queer folk are an interesting bunch of people and anyone who has ever been to any of our pride parades will most certainly agree. No other community but us would be able to have more fun when it rains on our parades especially if it’s raining men.

All my straight readers I hope you can sleep peacefully tonight knowing that there is no fairy hiding outside your window that will rape you in your sleep. I also do hope that you don’t get any nightmares with the knowledge that the crazy Anne Heche never really played for our team but instead played for yours.

Till next time.

Jackie Beat -Don't Tell Me You're Gay!

Why Heterosexuality is Unnatural

The other day at work my colleagues and I had yet another one of our captivating discussions. We usually have some sort of cerebral genius during our smoke breaks because we are brilliant like that. The discussion dealt, in part, about studies done on physiology and desirability and during which physiological phase’s men and women are most attracted to each. Suffice to say the studies in question solely dealt with heterosexual folk. It made for an interesting discussion and provided me with some unique insights, insights that lead me to realize that heterosexuality is most definitely unnatural.

Now, let me make something clear right from the get go - I have nothing against heterosexuals. Some of my best friends are straight and I do respect their lifestyle choice. I may not agree with it, I may not like it, but I love them and what they do behind their bedroom doors are none of my business. Sure straight folks flaunt their heterosexuality in public and we are forced to watch them kissing on television, but deep down I do believe they are only confused and this is just a phase they will eventually grow out off. And this is why.

Studies have shown that straight men are most attracted to women when they are in the peak of their menstrual cycle. I bullshit you not, this is true. The one week in the month when a woman feels her worst, feels bloated, cramping and the last thing on her mind and/or on her to do wish list is sex. And this is the time a guy wants to jump her? Talk about bad timing! On the flip side, women who are ovulating are most attracted to men who appear to be virile, you know the type. The manly man with all the man hair, sometimes bolding, the type of guys we queer folk know as bears or leather daddies. Peculiar isn’t it? The time a woman’s loins burn for some fertile sperm and she desires a leather chap wearing bear or on a bad day possibly even a really butch lesbian. But it doesn’t end there.

You see, nature never intended for people to engage in heterosexual relationships because nothing good can come of it. Just look around you, we see this every day. That guy in shopping mall looking like he wants to chew off his arm that’s holding his wife’s purse while she’s in the fitting room. The woman sitting in the bleachers with that bored glazed over expression on her face whishing she had rather gone out for cocktails with her girlfriends. And then there are the communication issues.

Straight guys and straight women just don’t speak the same language. Men never know that when they are asked “Do I look fat in this?” it actually means the women is fishing for a compliment and don’t actually give a flying fuck what you think. And straight women always confuse “The guys are meeting at the pub for the game” with actually thinking they are being asked for permission to let the guy go. And if the women let the guy go he thinks when she says “Have fun” she really means it, when in actual fact she means you better be home early, sober and not smelling of some slut’s perfume. But the heterosexual phase is not all bad.

Procreation is the only positive thing to come from the straight folk’s heterosexual phase. You stick a dick into a vagina once without a condom and voila 9 months later there pops out a baby. But this too poses as problem. The world is over populated as it is. This making of babies whenever and wherever straight folks want needs to stop, it just isn’t right. After all we need to think of our gene pool. I don’t know about you but I have had quite enough of ugly and stupid people. Heterosexual procreation needs to be regulated and only fortunate looking and intelligent people should be allowed to contribute to the population. We queer folk will have to identify and eradicate the heterosexual gene and stop this madness. But before we do that we need to do something about straight marriage.

The sanctity of marriage is being destroyed by people with heterosexual tendencies. Since they started getting married centuries ago they have slowly been picking at it taking something that was beautiful and making it ugly. Heterosexuals are committing polygamy, getting divorced, marrying their relatives, having affairs, getting married multiple times and it is disgusting! For years we have had to tolerate the hideous white dresses, pompous flower arrangements and exaggerated cakes, sitting in the Church pews having to pretend that we condoned what they were doing, committing these acts against nature. Well, we had enough and now the queers will have to dig our flexible heels in and show them how it is done. The gays will have to restore the sanctity of marriage to its former glory.

We have a long hard road ahead of us my fellow queers. Living in a world with so many confused people with heterosexual tendencies isn’t easy. Everywhere we look they want to convince themselves that their lifestyle choice is normal. They do this with television shows, movies and magazines. Every day I look at this spectacle, roll my eyes and quietly whisper to Gaga “I am so glad I was born this way”.

Till next time.

God Hates Fags and now Hackers Too?

A recent article published on Queerty titled "Westboro Responds To Anonymous: God Hates Fags, And Hackers Now Too!" reminded me of this article I wrote about this psychotic bunch of inbreds.  Seeing as I am going in for my operation this week and consequently won't be of much use in front of the computer I decided to republish it.  There are some truly crazy people out there in the world, but the Phelps Family takes the cherry on top of the crazy cake!

The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) and their official website http://www.godhatesfags.com/ have been known to me for some time. It wasn’t until recently that their website and the hatred they preach awakened the activist in me. I decided to send them a message through their website and their response was reflective of their delusional and fanatical rhetoric which I found shocking as they clearly have lost the plot. After doing some research on the Church and their leader Fred Phelps, I was left wondering why anti-gay propaganda and violence inspiring hate speech are still allowed in the USA and for that matter anywhere else in the world.
Fred Phelps and his family have been running their “Church” since 1955. Both Fred and the rest of his family have quite a dodgy past with several criminal charges filed against them. Their church consists of approximately 71 members with 80% of the members being the Phelps family. They have taken it upon themselves to preach the “Word of God” to the world and according to them everyone is going to hell! God hates everyone including several countries but especially “Faggots” and “Fag-Enablers” (people who support homosexuals). They favour the word “Faggot” over the word “Gay” and have a long explanation on their website on this issue. They also come armed with several bible texts to support their claim. They also picket military funerals, funerals of people who have died of AIDS or gay bashings and religious event of Jews and Muslims. At all these events they carry signs reading God Hates Fags, Death Penalty for Fags, Your Son’s in Hell, God Hates America, Thank God for 9/11 and I could go on. After reading some of the tripe written on their website, I must admit I did look out my window searching for rain clouds as I was sure God was going to strike me dead with lightning because, according to them, I am such an abomination and sinner and God really hates me and his wrath could befall me any second!
The most entertaining of the bunch is Shirley Phelps-Roper who is the official spokes person for their loony family church. Watching interviews with her she displays a distinct lack of fashion, fear of hair product and make-up – maybe God hates cosmetic products as well. She looks as frightening as the words she spits from her mouth. She speaks with conviction of how God hates everybody and I also noticed she likes using the words “missy” and “bimbo” quite frequently in interviews. This makes her sound like the bible study teacher from hell! Looking like a scary witch I would love to see her go one-on-one with a Drag Queen discussion the issue of sodomy. I can just picture the head bobbing, finger waving and hilarious statements, references and rebuttals; I would pay good money to be a spectator as someone definitely will physically get hurt by the Old Testament.
The next generation of the Phelps family is just as scary and crazy. They too have the Paris and Nicky Hiltons in the Phelps family. The 2 blonds (whose names I will not mention) most certainly isn’t very bright and their education stems mostly from their cult like family upbringing. They disguise their festering hatred towards everything Non-Phelps behind peroxide, makeup and cute Hilton inspired outfits – maybe they should give Aunt Shirley some fashion and beauty tips if God allows it. The frightening things is Fred Phelps is turning 90, admittedly he will not live very long but his legacy and preaching of hatred will continue through his indoctrinated off spring. His voice will still be heard from beyond the grave whether he’s in heaven or in hell. According to him hell is going to be very congested so if he ends up there I hope he made reservations.

I firmly believe that all people should have freedom of speech but the line can easily be crossed as we have seen so many times before. Clearly, in my opinion, the WBC and the Phelps family are raping their freedom of speech and they are spreading hate speech. They are specifically targeting the homosexual community and innocent people who do not deserve to be disrespected at their own funerals. The Phelps family is causing harm and emotional distress to people who have done nothing wrong and they should be stopped. The United Kingdom is one country, I am aware off, that has banned the Phelps family from entering it. At least their citizens are safe until they go on the Internet.

If what the Phelps family and the WBC are saying is true we are all condemned to hell, and now hackers are too and most countries are doomed. Hell will be bursting from it seems with all the Homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, Black People, Soldiers and the list goes on. Not being partial to excessively warm temperatures and with no bursting desire to meet Lucifer I would prefer to stay out of hell. In the real world where people talk sense, are rational and can distinguish between right and wrong, I will do whatever I can to help the fight against the WBC and the Phelps family. I will fully support people and groups who protest against their delusional cult like tactic, tripe they spew and lies they spread. I hope you join me in this endeavour. It only takes one person to make a difference, let that one person be you!
Till next time!


Shirley Phelps-Roper on Fox News

Queer Mating Rituals of Heterosexuals

With Swine Flue threatening global health I am also convinced that a more ominous virus is threatening society and especially my social circle. Many of my friends recently ended their relationships and this is starting to feel like a pandemic on its own with the unexpected revelation of a couple of pigs amongst us! Having more single friends now, the majority of which being straight, I have become privy to their queer mating rituals. This left me with an interesting conundrum: Are the mating rituals of heterosexuals and homosexuals so different?All 3 respective breakups were quite traumatic and one theatrical. My male friend’s girl friend broke up with him because he wanted to get married and she wasn’t ready. For some odd reason she changed her mind shortly after and now wants him back; maybe she realized what she lost, but alas it’s too late to reconcile and he’s keeping his sperm for someone else. My female friend learned that her fiancé was cheating on her via a Facebook message and consequent phone call from his mistress - what a horrific way to learn of your partner’s infidelity! Naturally she was devastated and the breakup was vicious! The most recent breakup was another of my female friends whose boyfriend of 2 years and 5 months (she was very specific about the duration) ended their relationship over the phone without any substantial reason. It came as blow to her and she cried for a few days but with the help of a couple of magic prescription pills she has returned to semi-normal functioning. All of them displayed fleeting homicidal tendencies and revengeful thoughts towards their ex’s and with the exception of 1; I firmly believe that their ex’s safely will make it to their next birthdays.
Observing my 3 heterosexual friends enjoying their new found freedom, their mating rituals have become a matter of particular interest. I have noticed that when straight people become single their social life escalates into a frenzied diary of dinners, clubbing, events and drinks - not much unlike that of gay people. The consumption of alcohol also increases substantially! All, in my opinion, to abolish the painful memory and to maybe meet new people that will help them transition into the becoming again who they where before their hearts were ripped out of their chests and trampled on. However, unlike gay people straight people appear to have a peculiar way of selecting their potential mates. I think this is where natural selection comes in – after all heterosexuals have the added burden of having to procreate to sustain the species! It appears as subconsciously, potential mates are ruled out by a process of elimination prescribed by the flaws they exhibit similar to those with whom the hunting heterosexual have had a previous unfortunate encounter. If any potential mate show any sign of weakness, the words “let’s just be friends” will be uttered. I was also surprised to learn that unlike some gay people heterosexuals are also far less promiscuous when forced into the single life – they rather tend to use the promise of sex as a lure to test the potential mate’s persistence and tenacity. Only after they are satisfied of the potential mate's commitment sex will occur and if it’s bad that too can be the death of a potential relationship.
When surviving a breakup most people tend to swear off relationships, as the wounds are still too fresh. This holds true in both the gay and straight community. There is also always the fear that lurks like a shadow behind you of getting hurt again. So both straight and gay people surround themselves with friends and keep socially active. With straight woman I have discovered they are more flirtatious during this stage following a break up maybe due to the need to be wanted and found attractive, but as soon as too much attention comes their way an Ice Queen emerges and the potential suitor are in danger of frostbite. With straight guys the predatory instinct kicks in and testosterone goes into over drive. Spending more time with their straight single buddies reinforces this. However, after a few rejections the guys will go back to being dejected and become overly cautious bordering on shy as not only are their ego’s bruised but similar to their female counterparts their desire to be wanted and found attractive is also not met. So I deduce that heterosexual men and women’s timing must be perfect for a relationship to occur, hence to term coined chemistry! If the man is too early he will face the cold shoulder and if the woman is too aloof she will end up a spinster. But when the timing is just right and both are ready for it chemistry occurs and magic happens!

The mating ritual of homosexuals and heterosexuals are not so different. In many respects a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what your sexual preference. The pain of a breakup is the same and much behaviour following the breakup coincides. The fundamental difference lies in the obvious - the fact that in the gay community we may find it easier to understand our potential mates as we are from the same gender and our approach to potential relationships progress in an easier fashion. With heterosexual the mating dance is more intricate, prolonged and fraught with caution. But the homosexual community need our straight friends to never give up on their pursuit to find a mate and never give up on relationships no matter how badly their hearts have been broken. Time really heals all wounds! So it’s imperative that all my heterosexual friends never loose hope of finding that special person because until homosexuals find the means to naturally procreate, and believe me we try, technology and heterosexuals are our only means to our continued survival!

Till next time.

Margaret Cho - Gay Men Jokes

The Undesirables & the Golden Girls Brigade

Since moving to suburbia my and hubby’s lives have changed quite a bit. Having lived in a relatively small apartment for the last nine years, the space and privacy of our new house have been a welcoming and positive adjustment. Yes, we have become proud Stepford Fags and it is quite agreeable. However, not everything has been sunshine and roses, afternoon tea- and raunchy pool parties. You see we have some peculiar neighbours for which good fences does not necessarily make for good neighbours. On the one side we have the Undesirables and on the other side the Golden Girls Brigade, both contributing to a perfect recipe for great entertainment and frustration.

When we moved into our neighbourhood we caused quite a buzz on our street. Finally the queers were moving in! Some curious neighbours came and introduced themselves and one particularly inquisitive woman actually asked for a tour of our house to which I courteously obliged as I didn’t want to be rude. She inspected our furniture, queer art and decoration choices as if she was making mental notes. Later, I would learn that this woman was requested by the other housewives to come and “check us out”. I was thoroughly interrogated by her and everything was reported back to the ladies of the neighbourhood during their weekly Thursday afternoon tea.
You see in our neighbourhood we have a very sophisticated network of social gossip and news being collected and disseminated. Fortunately for me Gossip Headquarters is right next door with the weekly briefings being done on the patio right by my study’s window and I can overhear everything. Thursdays at around half past four the ladies will get together and catch up on the week’s activities. First their favourite soap operas and television shows are debated with Oprah being a permanent fixture. Then they’ll get stuck in with all the truly important subjects (what have been happening in our street) often times expanding as far as 6 blocks away. Nothing is left out and everything from their husbands, children, grandchildren, the neighbours, neighbourhood tramps (apparently we have quite a few) and us the queers are discussed. The gossip is downright fantastic!
The Golden Girls Brigade is unapologetic, frank and sometimes slightly crude with their subjective observations and revelations – even I sometimes blush and I am not even part of their conversation. At least they think hubby and I are fine young men with their only concern being that they never hear us fight. One lady actually asked curiously “Is that normal for gays not to fight? And I heard they are married! That’s just crazy all married couple have fights now and again!!” They are also quite intrigued by this beautiful girl that visits us for a couple of hours some Saturdays and baffled that she always arrives in a different sports car. “I wonder what she does there and what is up with her cars?” one lady asked. “You don’t suppose they are doing ungodly things over there?” the other responded, and I just giggled silently. Hubby once told me, while I was updating him on all the gossip, that I should one day peak over the wall and ask to join them. I am sure they would welcome me with open arms!
Like family you unfortunately can’t choose your neighbours. Apart from the Golden Girls Brigade, whom I quite enjoy, we also have the Undesirables. On the other side of our house we have a young unhappily married couple. They are constantly fighting with prime time fighting occurring between five and six o’clock in the mornings. I never can quite catch the gist of their fights, not that I particularly care, but they are best heard from our on-suite bathroom and/or the kitchen. They also have a small farm of pavement special mutts that regularly add to the noise pollution. If the couple aren’t fighting their dogs are barking!
Apart from being unhappy they also don’t take pride in their property, probably because they are renting it. Their backyard is permanently littered with dog poo that's rarely cleaned up -very unhygienic! Their property always looks neglected as do they and their dogs. The woman’s hair is never done and her plastered on makeup looks like her face will crack and crumble if she smiles, alas she never does. I have seen her only twice and neither of those times did she even attempt a cordial hallo, so I decided to ignore them should I see them.
Once I had to phone the police due to one of their fights sounding like it was spiralling out of control. It was a Friday evening and while watching television ghastly screams emanating from next door gave me a fright. I first thought they were being attacked, but as I made my way to the kitchen I could tell that it was the two of them going at it again. The police later showed up and the ruckus stopped. Later, I was told that the man said the wife fell off a chair and that was why she was crying – I don’t believe that for a second as I know what I heard! Presently we are not on speaking terms with the undesirables and all communications to and from them are done through our Italian intermediary (the owner of that property). The Italian is quite an eccentric man and his flamboyance can sometimes be quite draining. He too has grown tired of the undesirables’ behaviour and plans on evicting them soon. In the mean time we will just have try and ignore their screaming and dogs barking until they move back to their side of the railway tracks.

Living in suburbia has really been fun thus far. The quality of our lives has improved tremendously and we love our new house. Every Thursday afternoon I make sure to leave work a couple of minutes early to catch up on my weekly gossip and every morning at 5am our living alarm clocks next door wakes me up with the sweats sounds of why some people should get divorced. Apart from the undesirables I would never want to move back into an apartment and would not trade our lovely home for anything else.

Till next time.

Sherry Vine - Gang Bang

Illuminatus Faggotus

I recently watched a documentary about cults which I found fascinating. The phenomena of cults have a long and interesting history – some quite bizarre and other just plain hilarious. The common denominator amongst them is the fact that their leaders profited from them in one way or the other. It must be fun being a leader of such a group where people will believe and do anything you tell them to no matter how wacky it may be. Which led me to think; maybe I should start a cult!
Essential to starting any cult is finding an appropriate name. Something catchy that will deceive people into believing this is the cult for them. It should be something that sounds both ominous and exclusive at the same time. You want people to believe that they are special after all and entice their sense of adventure! I played around with a couple of names: Queers of Zion (too out there), Fabulous Faggots (too gay), Brothers and Sisters of Gaga (too obvious), none seemed quite fitting. None had that rolling off the tongue panache that would draw in my unsuspecting followers. Then after smoking a cigarette and laughing diabolically (as becoming of a potential cult leader) I came up with the perfect name – Illuminatus Faggotus! It is the perfect combination of scary, powerful, dangerous and secretive with just the right pinch of gay that will draw in the queers, have the heterosexuals confused and make all the outsiders jealous.
Now that I have the name of my cult, the next step is to decide what type of cult it should be. I imagined there would be more choices but it came down to a political cult, a religious cult or an economic cult. Firstly, a political cult will not work for me as the type of followers I would want to attract will not care for politics. Secondly, a religious cult will also not work as I am already under the Vatican’s radar and I don’t feel like dishing up a sermon every week or pissing off the Pope any further. So an economic cult will have to do. I will ask every member for all their money and become fabulously rich in the process – perfect!
Wait a minute... Nobody will just willingly give me all their money without there being something in it for them. I need to promise them something, something fantastic. I will promise them eternal life! If they follow me and give me all their cash they will never die. You heard me, they will live forever! I am not crazy (yet) and know I can’t accomplish this, but Ssht! ...don’t tell my potential followers! It’s the perfect scam. You see as they age and/or fall sick or even die those poor folks will be branded as not being loyal enough to the cult, not devoted enough and didn’t give enough money and this is why they didn’t make it. Clever, don’t you think? You may ask yourself what I will say if I get sick, simple – exactly the same thing blaming them and asking for more money. Those who don’t comply with the one fundamental rule of funding my elaborate cult and lavish lifestyle will age horribly! The secrets and special energy, personal "fountain of youth", I possess will not be bestowed on them. To further enforce compliance all members who transgress any other rules will be forced to do voluntary work at retirement homes’ frail care facilities.
No cult is complete without some sort of cohesive bond or branding to create that all important sense of belonging. All Illuminatus Faggotus members will be expected to go blond, go to gym twice a day, follow a special healthy diet and look fabulous all the time. All members will be expected to have a bad attitude and portray an image of being better than anyone else. Contacts with non members will be kept to the absolute minimum to further emphasize exclusivity and the only contact will be for recruitment or punishment purposes. Seeing as I have all their money I will provide them with one fabulous outfit each (preferably knock off Armani), member’s will have to build their own gyms from scrap yard material and grow their own food. Their shared suffering will facilitate the creation of a strong bond and a loyal following.
The official language of the cult shall be gay slang and a thick gay accent will be mandatory and limp wrists will be an added advantage. Speech therapy will be provided to those members’ who struggle to manage the gay lisp. Weight gain will be strictly monitored and all overweight members will be chastised and be forced to watch “The Biggest Looser” nonstop until they lose weight or slip into a coma. Members will be made to believe that all non-members are evil and are dying slowly every day and any contact with non-believers will age them prematurely and ultimately cause their deaths. The most important rule, apart from sacrificing all their hard earned cash, will be to never admit to being part of a cult. Nooo... it’s not a cult it’s a “society” or a “lifestyle” insistently adding “I have never looked or felt better in my life, you must really consider joining”.

My cult will have a long and illustrious future and my true believers will live very long but not so full lives. Yes the Illuminatus Faggotus will be fantastic, but all the lies, deceptions and maintenance to keep it going will be hard work - I would need staff! Any volunteers? Come on you know you want to...
Till next time

Margaret Cho

A Heterosexual Education in Sports

The 2010 Fifa Soccer World Cup has started without any major glitches (i.e. Al-Qaeda blowing up any stadiums or fan parks). Apart from the lack of fireworks I am also grateful that this tournament has not taken over our regular television schedules as I would be utterly annoyed if I had to miss any episodes of Ugly Betty’s final season, the escapades of the doctors of Grey’s Anatomy or the toils of the ladies on Wisteria Lane. During the last few days I actually watched two soccer matches, an astonishing feat as I am not into sports unless the guys are wearing tights, speedos are topless and/or are on skates. Having briefly infiltrated the domain of the heterosexual man I must say I have received an education, but probably not the one I expected.

When it comes to sports I am your stereotypical queer. I’m not fond it and when it comes down to having to choose between watching sports or a talk show (don’t care which one it is as long as it’s not Dr Phil) I’ll always choose the latter. In the absence of such a choice male gymnastics, figure skating, diving and swimming shall always win over football, soccer and cricket. I am aware that with my sport preferences it’s evident that I don’t like team sports, but in my defense I’d rather have my attention focused on one Greek god, at a time, and rate them individually on my person scorecard on a scale from one (ugly) to ten (oh my god!!!). This clearly is not the same motivation of my heterosexual male counterparts as they become quite irritated when one digresses from the actual game and focus on an individual player and not pointing out his technical skills but biological assets, as for me they are one and the same.
When watching sports it’s always a good idea to learn the "lingo" prior to watching a match. One thing I learned is that the person talking you through the match is called a “Commentator” and NOT the “Narrator”. It was politely pointed out to me that sports games aren’t scripted, hence the difference. This fairy was quite embarrassed and blamed my mistake on being blond, but in actual fact I should have blamed it on being gay. I was also educated on the difference between a foul and a tackle in soccer. “A foul is when the one player hits the other player before hitting the ball and a tackles is when he hits the ball before hitting the other player”. Both sounds painful and is best avoided. Now only if we can replace the word “hitting” with “caressing”, a foul and a tackle would be so much more interesting to watch!
Straight guys also can be quite curios about the teams they support. They will have their principle team whom they’ll fiercely support, but when that team fails or isn’t playing they are quick to pick another one supported with very technical and logical reasoning. I, on the other hand, can make up my mind with the national anthem part prior to the game. As the camera waves past each team I too have a very technical and logical system in place – pick the team that’s hotter and as the game progress and the sweaty hunks of the opposing team attracts my fancy I have no qualms switching sides without the need to explain. Straight guys can also be obsessively invested in their teams and should their team loose they are crushed and depressed for days, even weeks - some will even weep! I suppose it’s the same sense of loss that I felt when Friends and Sex and the City were cancelled.

Sports evoke a lot of passion. I suspect the only other time straight men gets quite as excited is during sex. Sex and sports have quite a lot in common. Both are best when you are not alone - that would be considered a solo race. Both requires physical excursion, some sweat (if you are doing it right), great technique and when you score it’s climactic! But sex like sport can also have a dark side with those nasty injuries, torn muscles and the one thing some straight women knows very well – match fixing (ladies, they don’t always have to know that their game didn’t quite make it to the finishing line, now do they).

Sports really aren’t my thing, but the two soccer matches I watched was quite entertaining. I am not convinced that I would give up my Saturday or Sunday afternoon to take time to voluntarily watch sports, but in the spirit of Africa hosting the first Fifa World Cup I may just sacrifice a couple more hours of my time to ogle and drool over some more soccer matches. After all it’s a selfless act as I am doing it in support of my country and in the spirit of understanding my heterosexual counterparts.
Till next time.

Kathy Griffin - Balls of Steel

Fairy Godparents

In life there are many momentous occasions; occasions that signifies milestones in our lives. Weddings, funerals and the birth of a child are just a few such examples. This past weekend I attended the baby shower of a friend who will be bringing a bundle of joy into this world in August. While sitting there watching the celebration, surrounded by crying babies and the pitter-patter of small feet I couldn’t help but ponder whether parenthood would one day befall me and whether I wanted any children of my own.

My husband and I have been asked many times whether we have considered having children. Quite a queer question if you think about it; we can’t have kids the natural way and believe me we try. If we want kids we would either have to adopt or make use of a surrogate. The plus side of using a surrogate is the fact that we can have a child that’s biologically ours without having to ruin either one of our figures. The decision to have children is quite a difficult one as for us queer folk it would entail loads of red tape and paperwork unlike our heterosexual counterparts who only have to have a night of marital bliss for a bun to be cooking in the oven. The concept of having children and the yearning to have them also seem to differ between gay and straight people.

Many times I have heard that once a woman reaches a certain age her biological clocks start ticking. This is a concept I find particularly intriguing. Is there some kind of biological deadline woman have, where she has to accomplish certain things or she will expire like milk? Is this mystical clock on a timer and if she passes her deadline do alarms sound that mockingly calls her a biological failure? In my social circle the deadline for having children appears to be between the magical ages of 30 to 40. After 40 there seems to be some kind expiry date for my female friends’ eggs and the next major deadline to look forward to is menopause. When it comes to my straight male friends I have not come across one that moaned and bitched about their biological clocks as straight men, in some cases, are only limited to two emotions when it comes to procreation – hungry and horny! So if he doesn't have an erection, girls please make him a sandwich.

When it comes to children, I have to be honest – they scare me. I have never been good with small children and they make me nervous. When they look at me with those innocent eyes I can almost swear they are searching for and identifying my weaknesses, plotting and scheming how far they would be able to push me before I will crack. Babies are also no different; the minute one is handed to me it will do one of two things – cry hysterically or throw up on me and most often both will happen. What makes this worse is when the proud mother would say “Ah... she likes you”, and this while I stand there covered in baby spit and the child turning red from screaming. Hubby on the other hand is great with kids and he can command their respect. When he says “No” children tend to listen. When I say “No” the complete opposite happens and what was rowdy before will turn into complete and utter chaos. It is times like this that I am sure my biological clock resets itself to “Never” when it comes to having children.

Having children is a life changing experience and this I have seen with many of my friends. Children truly are a blessing. What concerns me is the fact that a child does not come with a complete instruction manual and when they are broken you can’t take them back and ask for a refund. It’s a lifelong investment and not a cheap one at that. Children can be the source of great joy and also be the source of great headaches. Having been a tremendously difficult child to raise, I distinctly remember my mother telling me when I was having one of my classic tantrums during puberty that one day I will have children of my own and payback was going to be a bitch. Whether these words somewhat influenced my current decision for not wanting children I don’t know. When I do have children of my own, one day, I am sure many of my mother’s prophetic words will come back to haunt me and her favourite words “I gave life to you and I can take it away!” may just one day cross my lips when my child makes me angry.

With the majority of our friends, of a certain age, busy contemplating have children, trying to fall pregnant or being “with child” I feel no particular rush to get knocked-up or to knock-up hubby. We will not be renting a womb or be searching Africa for a child. For now we are quite content being Fairy Godparents and when our godchildren get difficult returning them home to their respective parents. This is not to say we have permanently closed the door to parenthood, we may still be open to the idea – check in again with us when we are forty.

Till next time.

Gay Education

Horror, Weirdos & Fagalicious Homos

It’s time for Halloween. All the witches, fairies, superheroes and dead icons of the past will come out of the closet and gush into the nightclubs and streets to celebrate this dress up party. Not having attended a Halloween party in a while I am pondering the idea of getting into a costume and joining in this year’s festivities.

As most gay and rather effeminate men know, playing dress up is nothing new to us. Some of us have been doing this ever since we could walk. As a toddler I distinctly remember being quite fascinated with my grandmother’s pink powder box that she had on her dressing table. Every chance I got I would sneak into her room, open the box grab the powder puff and powder my face. Needless to say I would emerge white as a ghost and concerned stares would be exchanged between my parents and grandparents as they would send me to the bathroom to wash my face. I eventually ended up inheriting that powder box, but unfortunately lost it. Granny’s powder was not the only feminine accessories I had used, my mom’s makeup also suffered my curiosity and many a time I ended up looking like a clown that was drunk when he applied his happy face and consequently suffered a stroke and was sent to an insane asylum. Apart from the makeup there also was the trying on of shoes, jewelry and the odd dress. Why I didn’t end up a drag queen is anybody’s question. I showed all the signs, but I guess the fact that I make for a scary woman might be a clue to this enigma.

In the past I have been dressed up for Halloween as a Priest, a Punk, a Bunny, a School Boy, a Prostitute, and a Goth, just to mention but a few. Strangely enough I never actually went the drag queen route however appropriate that could have been as I could have made a good witch. Of all the costumes I have adorned over the years I must admit the Bunny was my favorite. It was the least effort as I only had to buy bunny ears and a fluffy tail. The best part was that the tail attracted a lot of attention and my ass was crabbed numerous times during the course of that evening and it enjoyed this attention, more than my husband did. My least favorite costume was that of the priest as I kept on tripping on the damn robe and there is no way of sexing up such a dreadfully boring and conservative outfit.

So come Halloween it’s a free-for-all to dress up in whatever takes your fancy. If you are a closeted drag queen you have the options of dressing up as Cher, Vintage Madonna, The Queen or the Wicket Witch of the West. For those secretly into S&M an assortment of leather accessories are at your disposal; however certain items I strongly recommend against renting because you may not want to know where and on whom it has been - no one wants a after Halloween party favor of a case of the crabs! For all of those into the Superhero franchise I always find it quite cute when a couple ventures out to save the queers from the “evils” of the world dressed up as Batman & Robin or Captain America & Falcon. For those single folk not wanting to go out alone, do not despair you too can venture out with your fag hag dressed up as Bonny & Clyde or Barbie & Ken (you can decide who will be which). There is an overabundance of choices when it comes to costumes and themes one can choose from.

So what does your choice of costume say about you? The choice is quite a personal one, I would think, as Halloween is the one time of the year you can dress up as anything or anyone you like. Your secret fantasies can be realized, for instance if you always had a crush on Superman, who knows you may just end up in bed with him that night. If you always admired our health caregivers there’s the sexy nurse outfit (always popular amongst our drag queens) or the little French maid if you are really into kinky house work. For all our lesbians I haven’t forgotten about you. For the really butch lesbian how about trying on a dress for once? Who knows you might even like it? If a dress is not an option I have always found that lesbians look quite good in law enforcement uniforms, so they can do the poppers and safe sex patrol and ensure all horny queers behave responsibly.

Halloween is a fun time of year, with a variety of oddities wondering our streets, frequenting our bars and clubs and a bunch of hyperactive children high on sugar knocking away at our doors wanting their next fix. Whether you decide to dress up and go out, or stay at home watching a few horror movies I trust that all will have a fabulous time during this day of Horror, Weirdos and Fagalicious Homos.

Till next time.

Super Heroes look gay