What happens when a Go-Go Boy grows old

We all dread growing old (turning 30, 40). But what happens when a Go-Go Boy enters his twilight years.

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This Will Forever Ruin Porn for You

The other day I had a rather unpleasant run in with a certain South African.  He is trying to launch himself into a porn career in the USA.  The whole experience left me quite perturbed about this guy’s life choices, the fantasy world he finds himself trapped in and his shortsightedness about his own future.  In all honesty, I felt sad for him.  But hey, it is not my business if someone I don’t even know well is fucking up their own life, right?  But this left me to wonder, do we ever think about the people who are in the porn movies we watch?  Who they really are and how they ended up doing porn?  And if we did would we still watch it?

I have nothing against porn.  I have watched my fair share in my life and if there are people who choose to make a living by having sex in front of the cameras, amongst other things, all the power to them.  However, I do have to admit that I have sometimes watched these movies and wondered what went wrong in these people’s lives that caused them to end up where they are.  Did they decide to go down this path out of necessity or by choice?

Out of all the career choices out there I am not sure how someone wakes up one morning and decide that porn is the career choice for them.  I mean the requirements for the job are rather superficial.  You do not require any talent, you don’t have to be smart or educated, you don’t require any acting skills at all, and as was evident with the South African, you don’t even have to be particularly attractive.  However, what you do require is a good to fair body, the ability to do things with your orifices that could potentially damage them forever and if you don’t fit those criteria all you need is a very large penis.

Also, quite disturbing is the fact that the majority of porn stars out there are also prostitutes on the side.  Probably to help them make ends meet during those times when they aren’t working or getting work.  With the new revival of bareback porn amidst the real threat of contracting HIV (even with PrEP that is supposed to prevent infection) these men are also risking their lives every time they shoot a scene.  Not to mention what happens when they rent themselves out to clients who may be less than honest about their medical statuses.  It is worrisome that these men would risk their lives all for the sake of money.

The word “porn star” is also a very strange concept to me because are these guys really “stars”?  Are they actually famous?  When one thinks about it they really aren’t.  Most of these guys’ shelf life is normally just a couple of years, if that long.  Their time being cut short either by them getting ill, when long term drug abuse takes its toll on their bodies and/or their lives or when the porn houses find younger better looking guys to replace them.  And then what happens to them?

This is where the real problem comes in.  Sure they have made their money while doing porn but I doubt that any of them have the foresight of investing it.  What happens when they run out of money and they actually have to find a real job?  Sure using an alias while doing porn seemingly will protect their true identities.  But with the internet these days just merely using an alias would not hide their debauched backgrounds from their future employers.  With just a couple of keystrokes any future employer will easily unearth their previous illustrious careers and unfortunately this will make most of these guys unemployable.  They would be a huge reputational risk to any company. Where will they end up then?  Have you ever heard of any porn star making it to the Fortune 500 list?

As for my run in with the South African it was pure coincidence.  I used to be Facebook friends with him but he was a casualty of one of my many Facebook friends’ cleanup efforts.  I stumbled upon his profile by chance and saw that he was travelling through the USA and I thought “Ah, good for him.  Wonder what he is doing with his life now”.  Then I discovered that he was working for one of the well-known porn houses over there.  On first inspection of his profile it appears as if he wanted to create the impression that he was doing modelling, however it soon became evident that he was doing anything but modelling in the true sense of the word.  I was disappointed.

I thought he had so much more potential than this and my first thought was what his parents would say.  No parent in their right mind would want their child to do pornography or be proud of that fact.  Being a parent myself I can honestly say I would be mortified.  I did comment to that effect on his profile and tried to do so in the most respectful way I possibly could.

However, he did not respond well to my concern, rather opting to attack me and my child:  Saying that we would use our son as a “sex slave” and that I was a child molester because he could “see it in my eyes”.  I didn’t take this boorish attack personally.  I mean how could I?  It’s not like he was speaking from any moral high ground whatsoever.  He also wasn’t the type of person whom has proved to have sound judgment or to be a good judge of character.  His own behavior and life choices tarnished his credibility in all these areas so I just decided to let it go.

I don’t pretend to understand people or why they sometimes make life choices that, deep down, they know they will regret someday.  People who go into porn probably have their own reasons for doing so and I hope they do so comprehending the consequences thereof.  I hope they know that their porn career will follow them around for the rest of their lives and will encroach in all other aspects of their lives as well, possibly at the most inconvenient of times.  Possibly at the times they can least afford it.  It will impact on their future relationships, their family and careers or hopes thereof.  When I watch porn now, I see the failed dreams and the failed aspirations of people who made certain life choices that will haunt them for days to come. 

Till next time

What happens if a Go-Go Boy grows old

We all dread growing old (turning 30). But what happens when a Go-Go Boy enters his twilight years.

Gay Confessions

There is nothing more venomous than a bitter old queen with an axe to grind.  They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a rancorous queen with a vendetta and the morals and ethics of a crack whore who has run out of smack can be far more hazardous.  Now throw Social Media into the mix and you have the perfect storm of bitchiness, slander, malicious gossip, debauchery and character assassination.

There are some seriously fucked up people out there.  And yes y’all, there are also some really pissed off queens out there too who like nothing better than pissing on other people’s parades.  Perhaps it is out of jealousy or maybe it is born from insecurity, who knows.  Either way, some disgruntled self-hating queen recently decided to create a Facebook page called Gay Confessions SA and this caused some major unhappiness in the gay community mostly because it was utter smut, tried to create some controversy in the community, slandered some people (including myself) and was mostly based on anonymous lies.  I know the LGBT community don’t always get a long, but seriously you guys?  What the fuck is wrong with some people?

We all know that Social Media, apart from being an easy way to connect, also has its dark crevices where sinister motives lurk.  Not everyone on Social Media is all rainbows and butterflies.  Some people are callous and vindictive bullies.  Now don’t fool yourself.  It’s not only children who fall prey to cyber bullying, adults do as well.  Only when it comes to adults the bullying is slightly more sophisticated and many times much more vicious.  Not all cyber bullies have the guts to belittle, taunt and slander their victims in person.  Some create fake profiles and recently a whole page was created solely for this purpose.  Gay Confessions SA was conceived from a demented mind and was clearly aimed at discrediting and embarrassing certain members of the South African gay community.  Its aim was to slander them disguised as “anonymous confessions” which was the perfect recipe to bring out the absolute worst in our community.

Now, is it just me who thinks that the person(s) behind that page and the participants thereof were cowards?  I use the past tense because Facebook has shut down that page twice already for violating their terms of service, yet it resurfaces every time like a stubborn yeast infection.  It is very easy to write insults, accusations and blatant lies in an “anonymous confession” without taking any responsibility for what you’re saying and/or not caring who you are hurting in the process.  It’s easy to slander people and to assassinate their characters on line while hiding behind the anonymity of a faceless Facebook page that is devoid of any accountability.  But what is in it for the perpetrators of these devious, baseless and malicious “confessions”?  And what is in it for the creator of that page?  What do they get out of it and what do they want to achieve?

Well, perhaps the answer is simple.  I guess it makes them feel better about themselves and their mediocre lives.  How sad and unfulfilling their lives must be that they feel compelled to live vicariously through others albeit in a very pitiable way.  If you have to break others down to make yourself feel better, perhaps therapy might be in order or a dose of self-esteem.  I know we in the LGBT community don’t always get along and that is fine.  I mean you can’t like everyone you meet, right?  But if there is someone that gets your tits in twist why not just ignore them?  I mean really, I don’t like drinking banana milkshakes but I don’t force myself to drink one just so that I can tell everybody how bad it tastes.  So why do it with people you dislike.  Sure some people are assholes and that is why I avoid them.  Why can’t other people do the same?

I must be honest; I also do like the odd bit of gossip every now and again.  I most certainly am not above that.  I do listen to it and I also sometimes participate in it.  But there is a line that should not be crossed and Gay Confessions clearly crossed that line.  For one, I not only blame the creator(s) of that page for the damage they are doing to our community I also blame the people who liked and participated in that page:  The people who submit their anonymous confessions and the people who consume and enable the loathsomeness which was that page.  You are part of the problem.  Do you even realize that?  Maybe you should ask yourself this: if some of those posts were about you would you still be happily supporting that page?  If you read shit about yourself that is not true, would you be fine with it?  If you answered NO to any of these questions, why should other people be?

As for whoever’s brainchild this Gay Confession Page is/was , you are a pathetic asshole.  And I mean that with all the contempt it deserves.  If you find joy in slandering people and doing it either for the fun of it or to settle some scores you should take a long hard look at your own life.  Are you proud of who and what you are?  Are you proud of what you have become?  Do you find delight in breaking people down?  You are putting out so much negativity into the world all of which will eventually come back to you.  Perhaps it is time that you stop fucking with other people’s lives and start focusing on having one of your own.  You know, like in the real world and not on your fucking computer.  Some fresh air might just do you some good.

Yes, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but a disgruntled old queen can be far more dangerous.  Unfortunately, the gay community is full of jealous people and we so do like to fight amongst ourselves, don’t we?  It is pathetic really.  This Facebook page embodied everything in the LGBT community that I dislike and even though I cannot be sure that it will not resurface again but if it does and you reading this are one of the people who participated in it, I only hope you realize what it says about you.  I know that we in the LGBT community cannot all get a long but can’t we just stop being such bitches and mind our own fucking business for once?  How can we expect the rest of the world to respect us if we cannot even respect each other?  Maybe next time when we have a Gay Pride we should stop and really think for a moment about what that means.  Are we really “proud” to be a member of the LGBT community when we treat one another like this?

Till next time.

I Don’t Have Gay Pride

Pride season upon is in South Africa and with four Prides to choose from this year one would say that we are spoiled for choice.  But are we really?  Last weekend there was Soweto Pride.  Pretoria Pride and The People’s Pride are taking place this weekend and Joburg Pride the end of the month.  This year we have four Pride events that are supposed to bring the LGBT community together, events that should show our community’s solidarity and events that are supposed to bring awareness to LGBT issues.  But instead of doing this, this year’s Pride season has done more to divide our LGBT community than ever before.  There has been infighting, scandals, alleged death threats, social media campaigns that have done more harm than good, all of which caused many queer folk to wonder whether Pride is still relevant and causing many others to consider boycotting Pride altogether.  I am one of those queers who decided that I will not attend any of the Pride events this year, and this is why.

The last couple of years I have seen Joburg Pride on a gradual downward slide.  The event became more of a money making scheme exploiting gay folk rather than the Pride event it should have been.  All of this led to some serious questions being asked in the gay community as to how the Pride event’s finances were being managed, whether the event still had any importance in our community and why the event seemed to have been getting more poorly organized each year.  Many people, including myself, became unhappy and started not attending the event.  Then earlier this year Joburg Pride’s board resigned and all hell broke loose.

A group of well meaning LGBT people decided to organize a new Joburg Pride and with their first public meeting it was clear that they faced a rocky road ahead.  Since that disastrous initial meeting many of the initial organizers have dropped out and the activist group 1 in 9 decided to form The People’s Pride and distance themselves from Joburg Pride.  There was also the incident regarding a certain sponsor, of which we dare not speak, which caused a huge uproar in the gay community leading to certain gay websites publishing contradictory articles about the debacle, threats of lawsuits ensued and some not so friendly mudslinging occurred on social media.

In the end Joburg Pride, that was supposed to take place last weekend, was postponed/ cancelled at the eleventh hour.  One of the senior organizers claimed that, amongst other things, she received death threats, was the victim of intimidation and safety concerns of the Pride participants on the marching route and location as the reasons why the event was “postponed”.  Whether Joburg Pride was indeed just “postponed” and not actually cancelled we will have to wait and see.  I am not holding my breath and due to the obvious unprofessionalism and lack of proper organization I will not be attending it, even if it does indeed take place.  Besides who cancels an event, only two days before it was suppose to take place, without even informing the talent they had hired to preform at the event anyway?  Some of these people only learned about this through Facebook and NOT from the organizers.  So instead of spending my money on shitty overpriced food and booze to fatten the new Joburg Pride's coffers, I will spend my hard earned gay money somewhere else.

As for The People’s Pride, it is more of a political demonstration than a Pride event.  It was organized by a group of activists who caused a major incident at last year’s Joburg Pride in which people were injured.  Their tactics last year seemed militant and disruptive and even though I do believe their intention was to create awareness and was not malicious, the manner in which they went about it was questionable.  Personally, I do believe there is place for the politicization of LGBT issues that we believe are not being addressed by government but there is a huge difference between a Gay Pride March and a Political Demonstration.  Sure they are not mutually exclusive but their intentions are quite different.  Also not being clear on exactly what The People’s Pride short term and long term objectives are, I don’t feel comfortable attending their Pride either.

As for Pretoria Pride I believe that it was incorrectly named.  It should have been called Babylon Pride, because that is exactly what it is.  It is a “Pride” event that was organized by the owners of Babylon nightclub and much of the event centers more around the nightclub than the city the Pride event is suppose to represent.  Even the location of the Pride march is conveniently located within a stone’s throw from Babylon nightclub.  They also do not even have an original theme for the event.  The closest they came was “Gay by birth.  Proud by choice”.  Honestly guys, did you steal that off a gay bumper sticker.  Really?

Seeing as “Pretoria Pride” does not appear to me to be a legitimate Pride event but is, in my opinion, nothing more than a cleverly architected Public Relations and Marketing ploy by Babylon I do not plan to participate in it either.  I mean honestly, doesn't Babylon make enough money off the gay community already?  Do they really need a bogus Gay Pride to line their pockets any further?  Besides, I don’t even consider Centurion to be part of Pretoria anyway.  If I wanted to participate in a marketing event I would go to one of VW family days.  But this is just my opinion.

So this year we have four Pride events none of which I attended or plan to attend.  I know I did not say anything about Soweto Pride and the reason is simple - I don’t live in Soweto!   Besides my husband and I were hosting my father-in-law’s 60^th birthday party, so we wouldn’t have been able to attend it even if we wanted to.  Whether I will attend any Pride events in future, I just don’t know.  If things keep on going the way it is now, I don’t think I will and that will be a crying shame.  At the moment I don’t have gay pride, and it is a pity because I am proud of who we are, how far we have come and I know how far we still need to go.  Let’s hope that one of these days Gay Pride will be restored to an event we can all be proud of – an event we will be proud to be a part of.

Till next time.

Am I a Stepford Fag?

With my thirty something birthday coming up (a queer never reveals his true age after 30) in just over a month I took some time to sit back and reflect on my life. After all I am now closer to forty than I am to twenty.  And isn't it strange how different we view life while you are in your twenties than how you view life when you are in your thirties? As I measured how my life has changed since I was 20 and how different it is now than what I expected, I came to ask myself a shocking question – Have I become a Stepford Fag?

Stepford Fags are described in the urban dictionary as “a gay couple who are nice, sexless and nonthreatening. Typically they live in the suburbs, have an immaculate house and yard and don't scare the neighbors while they are in fact just as much a slave to heterosexual establishment as everyone else.”

While in my twenties I could have been described as a social butterfly. Most nights I partied the night away and knew all the regulars at all the night clubs by name. As my long suffering husband and I started dating (shortly before my 21st birthday) all the club celebs came to know us as a couple rather than individuals. It was bound to happens that way as my husband and I share the same name.  We became friends with the elite gay socialites, at the time, and became regular fixtures at all the popular LGBT events.  In between my busy social schedule I managed to finish my studies and started working. However, during this time my social life gained priority and my studies and worked was seen only as a time filler until the next party.

I went to class and later to work with very little sleep, sometimes a hangover and the odd glittery souvenir of the previous night’s party stuck in my hair. On one occasion I showed up for work minus one eyebrow because at the previous night’s strip show at the club the flame throwing stripper scorched it off. My husband and I also thought it funny to wear matching outfits to clubs, which in retrospect was silly not only because it’s such a cliché thing to do but I mean really wasn’t it bad enough that we share the same name? As the years passed our regular feature on the nightclub circuit became less frequent as work demands and responsibility increased and we reduced our social excursions to weekends.

Being young, wild, attractive and popular I didn’t give much thought to the future – being that age I thought I would stay young, pretty and thin forever. Never once did I consider getting married as I was of the firm belief that it was something straight people did to make it more difficult for them to split up. Being in a happy and committed relationship and having moved in together I was quite content with the way things were. We didn’t need a contract so ensure our relationship would last! Apart from marriage the house with the white picket fence, dogs, cats and children was as frightening to me as a cheesecake to an anorexic. I was happy, thin, in a relationship with the man I loved and surrounded with glitter balls, strobe lights, music, drag queens and hot young guys. What more does a young gay man want?

During my late twenties my metabolism decided it would skip a few years ahead and slowed down. As the pounds started packing on and my infamous leather pants and tight, skimpy shirts started to take strain to the point of me no longer being able to squeeze into them, it was time for them to be retired. The late nights at clubs over the weekends also showed signs of taking its toll and became less frequent. Before I knew it my social butterfly days were numbered as my priorities had shifted just like my weight.

The process was so gradual one and it happened without any distinct detection. What seemed important and satisfactory to me a few years ago no longer had the same appeal. More time was spent focusing on my career. Night clubs was replaced with dinner parties and movies with friends and quiet evenings at home. However, we still go clubbing when we have the time. My relationship had evolved to a more mature level and friendships deepened beyond superficiality and hedonistic interests.When gay marriage was legalized my husband and I didn’t give it a second thought and tied the knot literally a few weeks later. My twenty something view of marriage was replaced: I now had a more mature view and understood that marriage was more than just a contract that would cost you half of everything you owned if you want to get out of it. The house with the white picket fence now also drew my attention and became a reality. The twenty year old finally grew up. I transformed from a club hopping shooter downing socialite to a career driven married man. Does this now mean I become a Stepford Fag? As per the definition I would have to say Yes and No. Yes, we are a nice couple, live in the suburbs, have an immaculate home and yard and we don’t scare the neighbors (on purpose that is). However, we most certainly aren’t sexless (of that we have quite enough) and are not slaves to heterosexual establishment nor do we want to imitate it. We are who we are; some people might still find this threatening and not approve but I say the hell with them. So if I am considered a Stepford Fag, I am very proud to be one and highly recommend it. All fairies have to grow up some time!

Till next time.

Sam Jensen – Here Is The New There

Rarely does a DJ write and compose his or her own music.  So taking this into consideration DJ Sam Jensen is a rare find.  His first album ‘Daydreams Last Forever’ was a hard act to follow and he nails it with his second album ‘Here Is The New There’ as well.  From the first track ‘Music Makes Me’ that rouses you to move whether you want to or not, right through to the whimsical silliness of the bonus track ‘The Brandy Song’ his sound is unique and fresh.  ‘Lakeside Zoneout’ is designed to take you away and it definitely does just that.  His lyrics come across personal, whether they are tongue in cheek or deep and cerebral making for a very satisfying album.  This is a must buy album and this young an upcoming artist needs to be watched closely as he most definitely is going places.  Sam occasionally releases some of his tracks for free download so check out his Facebook Page DJ Sam where you can order copies of his albums too.

Review by GeeGee Curtained from The Modern L fame.

Gay Bashing at a Gay Club: How Safe Are We Really?

Homophobia and gay bashings are nothing new.  It is sad that it still occurs in this day and age, but unfortunately there are some idiots out there who express their ignorance and crudity through violence that is directed at the LGBT community.  One would never expect that a gay bashing would occur at a gay club or that the perpetrators would be employees of that nightclub.  But this is exactly what allegedly occurred at a nightclub called Rasputin in Pretoria over this weekend.  What makes this incident even worse is the fact that the manager of this nightclub allegedly stood by and watched the assault take place without intervening or even calling the police.  This led me to wonder, how safe are we really at the nightclub Rasputin or any other gay club for that matter.

During the early hours of Saturday morning Pieter Henning was assaulted by two straight men at Rasputin.  The assault was so severe that he was hospitalized and had to undergo surgery.  Judging from the graphic photos that he posted on his Facebook page the assault was vicious.  The alleged perpetrators also kick and damaged his car trying to gain access to the occupants who then finally managed to call the police.  All of this occurred allegedly in plain sight of the club manager, who simply locked the club’s door and watched the assault take place from inside the club, failing to intervene or to call for assistance.

Whether this assault was provoked or not I am not sure, but the level of violence that took place was most certainly unacceptable.  After hearing of this gay bashing I attempted to contact the club owner and manager as I had some questions I wanted to ask them.  Questions like:  why nobody acted to stop the attack; whether they had any security measures to ensure the safety of their patrons; whether the assailants was indeed employees of the club; why they had not implemented any measures to prevent gay bashings at their venue as this was not the first time something like this has happened there; and whether it was true that gay bashings were apparently a frequent occurrence at their establishment.  The club owners did respond but was rather vague which led me to wonder whose responsibility is it really to ensure the safety of patrons at gay venues.

Surely the owners and managers of nightclubs have a responsibility to ensure the safety of their patrons.  We all know that if we enter clubs that we do so at our own risk, but should you suffer an injury that is a direct result of negligence of the club owner, manager or staff should they not be held accountable and forced to take responsibility?  If they are aware of problems and fail to correct them or at the very least not even try and put preventative measures in place, what does that say about what they think about or even feel for their patrons?  Would that be a place you’d feel safe to frequent and spend your hard earned money at?  I think not.

There are many gay clubs out there that make a point of ensuring their patrons are safe.  They do this with bouncers and security guards who at the first hint of trouble would intervene.  Sure they can’t always keep problematic people out because at first they don’t look like trouble and the trouble only starts after a few drinks, but at least they are there.  The other big problem is the fact that gay clubs are not only frequented by gay people, but by straight people too.  Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate heterosexuals who support the LGBT community and they are very welcome at any of our gay establishments.  The problem comes in when straight folks who are in fact severely infected with homophobia go to gay venues not to support us but to make trouble.  I have seen this many times and it never ends well.

The management of Rasputin is holding a meeting on Wednesday to discuss this problem.  They said that they would not get involved in any mudslinging and promised free shooters to all the attendees.  Quite ironic seeing as they blame alcohol for most of the problems they experience there.  I find it rather insulting that a guy must first be gay bashed and end up in hospital before this nightclub would admit that there is problem and instead of fixing the problem they call a meeting.  This seems more like a “let’s soothe the gays and hope they get over it” rather than actually spending money on security, bouncers and keeping out or even firing homophobes.  The management of Rasputin blames the economy for not having any security measures in place such as bouncers, so I guess Pieter Henning should blame the economy too for being gay bashed.

Would I go to Rasputin, well my personal feeling is a resounding NO.  I have a huge problem with spending money at any establishment who do not respect me or my business enough to use some of the money they make off me and my LGBT brothers and sister to ensure our safety.  So how safe are we really when going to gay clubs, well I guess that would largely depend on where you go.  If the nightclub doesn’t have any bouncers, security guards or any other safety measure in place chances are that sooner or later something bad will happen there.  Look, I am not advocating that anyone boycott any establishment, I am only urging you to make informed decisions about where you go and how safe it is.  It’s your choice to make after all.

Till next time.

The Queens and Kings of Yesterday

(Old post republished for your reading pleasure, new material coming soon!)

Last week I came across a post by an older gay man. I was quite surprised that he had access to the Internet and knew how to operate a computer, given his age. He seemed angry and disillusioned with the younger gay generation. He made mention of the younger community being ageist, sexually promiscuous and living in a fantasy world where coming out and having new found rights made them unappreciative of what is important in life. He made us sound like a bunch of fairies living in fairytale land. He stated that there are no gay role models and noticed a clear moral degradation amongst our gay youth. This made me wonder, is there an immutable generation gap, is it just a matter of growing up and coming of age in a different era or could he actually be right? This is my opinion…

Different generations face different problems. When I came out of the closet, at the age of 16, the reaction of my parents, peers and family was stereotypical. At that time (mid 90's) homosexuality was still taboo but considered less of an affliction and mental disease than it was before. Still my parents believed that prayer and therapy could “fix” me, but alas neither did! I am grateful I came out after aversion therapy’s popularity dwindled, as I am not that fond of straight pornography nor am I of electrical shocks. Many older gay men and lesbians found it much more difficult coming out (prior to the 90’s and 80's). Many chose to stay in the closet and some even went as far as to get married and lived as heterosexuals to avoid reprisal and/or being ostracised – Brokeback marriages! The ones that had gay relationships did so in secret, having a “special friend” or “house mate” but never openly admitted their sexual orientation. It was only rumoured behind their backs. Access to the gay community was also restrictive as gay communities were small and sometimes hidden from sight.

Gay people became open about their sexual orientation when gay clubs and bars started sprouting in every town, as the gay community became more accessible and gay rights came of age. We express ourselves more freely now and no longer hide our relationships. We even have pride parades. This new found freedom could be conflicting to the older generation who were never offered these opportunities and whose value system were shaped by their era they found themselves. As the gay culture evolved the changes could have caught some queens and kings off guard. The traditionalist values of yesterday have now been defied, but this does not mean that the princesses and princesses does not face challenges of their own.

In a society that has not truly overcome homophobia we all still carry this burden at times - coming out still is not easy. Issues of acceptance, monogamy and ageism still pose a challenge. As mentioned in a previous post about relationships, I would hate to be single at the age of 33. Being single while in your prime (ages 18 to 30) is far less complicated. Once you enter your thirties you no longer have youth on your side, you are more career orientated and, I for one, could be said to be somewhat set in my ways. Therefore, finding a companion is slightly more of an endeavour. Being a gay man or lesbian in your 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70's I would suspect is even more difficult.

Being middle aged and gay, where do you go to find your soul mate? At a certain age clubs and bars may seem daunting and understandably the younger crowds could make you feel out of place, like a sugar daddy or a dirty old man. There are no real places for our Queens and Kings of yesterday to shine. Does this mean we have to exclude them from our community? Should we do what was done with the elderly in the middle ages and expel them from the village as they serve no more perceived function?

I would admit that there are not enough gay role models. We might not have accepted or fully understand the freedoms we have today apposed to the lack of it our older Queens and Kings faced. If we did, I believe we would act with greater responsibility, respect and appreciation. Maybe we should not look for role models amongst our own generation, but rather to those of the generation before us. Look at what they survived, sacrificed and accomplished for us. We may not always understand their reasoning or certain judgements they fell over our behaviour, relationship choices or sexual escapades, but we can make more of an effort to understand them.

Till next time.

Born This Way Parody by Sherry Vine

Personality Whores

This classic is dedicate to The Bitchy Waiter.

Reading about Steven Slater’s (JetBlue Flight Steward) recent dramatic resignation from his illustrious 28 year career I couldn’t help but giggle and secretly admire his bravery. Not many queens would have the courage to throw their tiaras, dildo’s and KY out of their baskets, deploy the airplanes inflatable emergency chute, grab their luggage and two beers before dramatically exiting bidding adieu to almost 3 decades of rude and difficult passengers. Having been in the service industry myself once, I can honestly say I understand why “Mrs” Slater flipped her lid and this made me reflect back on my days as a personality whore.

Many moons ago I too worked as a waiter. I was serving mediocre food in a main stream steak and grill mostly frequented by straight folk. It didn’t take long before it dawned on me that I wasn’t a very good waiter. One day, after being thrown with a handful of french-fries by a two year old the thought “Maybe I’m not meant to serve, I am destined to be served” crossed my mind. However, it would be many years before that reality would realize.

During my stint at the straight meat dispensary I had to deal with many difficult, rude and generally bad tipping customers. The one I recall most vividly ordered a rump steak extra rare. As I was placing his almost still alive and bleeding piece of meat in front him he had the audacity to tell me it was over cooked. After I politely tried to explain to him the difference between a restaurant and a butchery he ordered me (yes ordered me!) to bring him a correctly cooked steak. It having been at the end of a particularly trying and poorly paying shift, I did the only thing I could think off. I took the bastard’s plate, went to the grill asked for a 500g piece of raw rump steak, placed it on his plate and took it back to him and said “Extra rare, just like you asked for sweetie”. Needless to say the man had a hissy fit and got my ass fired!

Having had it confirmed that I was a truly bad waiter I did the only thing I gay guy could do. I looked for a gig at a gay bar or restaurant. You see at gay bars/restaurants you expect to get bad service but that’s OK only if the waiter or bartender is hot, cute or funny. You see at gay bars/restaurants it’s all about the looks and personality and less about the actual service, food and watered down drink. Believing that I could fit the bill I decided to become a personality whore and promptly got a job at relatively upmarket gay restaurant/bar.

The place was called The Lounge and it was run by two lesbians who ran their business like Nazi Concentration Camp Sergeants. We were a small compliment of staff: Two kitchen staff, a GI Jane lesbian and 5 femme fags. We were an eccentric bunch who always made work fun and there were never a dull moment. On my first day at work I arrived at the venue 20 minutes before opening time. As I got dressed in my “uniform”, a very tight fitting T-shirt branded with their logo and even tighter leather pants (later aptly dubbed the money maker), I was called aside by the sergeants.

In a very serious and rather abrasive voice one said “Before we let you lose in this queer zoo, let us explain the rules”. I knew all places had “rules”, but wasn’t quite prepared for the ones that would be laid on me. “You are to flirt with every customer no matter what they look like, you are to learn every regular’s name, you are allowed to accept shooters from customers and drink it only if they ordered one for themselves too! Sitting on customers laps are allowed, kissing, grabbing and exposing yourself is not!“ With the rules thoroughly explained I affirmed I understood. Sergeant 2 then added “If the Lesbos start a fight let them finish it, if there are broken glass or bottles involved call GI Jane , and never, ever look a drunk angry lesbian in the eyes, just back away slowly!”

As my first evening was coming to an end the drunken lesbian rule was tested. A very butch and very inebriated lesbian staggered towards me. “You’re new here aren’t you?” Avoiding all eye contact, as I was told, I stared at her biker boots and responded with a quivering voice “Yes, I started today”. She responded “You’re cute” and with that she pushed me against the wall and stuck her rum tasting tongue down my oesophagus. At the verge of suffocating GI Jane intervened, grabbed her by the shoulders peeled her off me and screamed “He’s a fucking femme fag not a femme dyke you dumb drunken clit!” Relieved that I wasn’t going to get raped with a strap-on dildo I escaped to the safety of the kitchen. With sore feet, the taste of lesbian in my mouth and clothes smelling of beer, tequila, vodka, nachos and smoke, my first evening as I personality whore drew to a close, and I kind of liked it!

Working at the gay bar was loads of fun, most of the time; however it also had its drawbacks. Apart from being employed by two cold hearted bitches who worked us like Taipei red-light district whores, I also had many not so pleasant experiences with patrons. You see having to flirt with every customer has many annoying disadvantages. Firstly, many believe that they have a chance to have sex with you and as they become drunk their advances becomes less subtle and more inappropriate.

Secondly, as the word spread about the cute and friendly boy waiters at the bar, all the weirdos, creeps and freaks pitched up. A colleague and I was once offered $2000 each if a guy in his 80’s could watch us have sex, I was offered several roles in gay porn, offered money to have a threesome with a couple (bisexual man and woman) and also offered a Rolex for sex – needless to say I declined all! During my 6 month stint as a personality whore I also received the strangest tips. I was tipped with ecstasy tablets, cocaine, a lottery ticket, monopoly money, a poky man, clothing vouchers, many telephone numbers with sexy messages and once a guy even tried to slip me a roofie in a shooter all of which I declined with a polite smile simply stating “I’d actually prefer cash”.

Many evenings after we closed the bar we had laughs about the tips, the customers and the bizarre propositions we received. We often times spent chatting until the early hours of the morning laughing until our stomachs hurt. The 6 months I worked as a personality whore was both the best and the worst time I ever had in any part-time employment during my student days. I even coined the phrase “Do you want head with that?” for anybody that ordered a beer (referring to the froth off course). A phrase that would most likely get you fired in most straight bars and is the most suitable epitaph for my career as a waiter.

Working in the service industry can be challenging. Most of the time it’s a thankless job and with your worth being determined by the clients’ tips. I struggle to imagine how people can be in such an industry for decades and remain sane, I suspect there are many people like Steven Slater out there, but only a few that would have the guts to do what he did. I only lasted 6 months and due to my experience I am always nice to waiters, always tip generously as I know what they are going through. I take my hat off to all the waiters, bartenders and flight crew out there. Thanks for serving us and not spitting in our drinks!

Till next time.

Hedda Lettuce - lady gaga "Bad Romance" Parody

Queer Mating Rituals of Heterosexuals

With Swine Flue threatening global health I am also convinced that a more ominous virus is threatening society and especially my social circle. Many of my friends recently ended their relationships and this is starting to feel like a pandemic on its own with the unexpected revelation of a couple of pigs amongst us! Having more single friends now, the majority of which being straight, I have become privy to their queer mating rituals. This left me with an interesting conundrum: Are the mating rituals of heterosexuals and homosexuals so different?All 3 respective breakups were quite traumatic and one theatrical. My male friend’s girl friend broke up with him because he wanted to get married and she wasn’t ready. For some odd reason she changed her mind shortly after and now wants him back; maybe she realized what she lost, but alas it’s too late to reconcile and he’s keeping his sperm for someone else. My female friend learned that her fiancé was cheating on her via a Facebook message and consequent phone call from his mistress - what a horrific way to learn of your partner’s infidelity! Naturally she was devastated and the breakup was vicious! The most recent breakup was another of my female friends whose boyfriend of 2 years and 5 months (she was very specific about the duration) ended their relationship over the phone without any substantial reason. It came as blow to her and she cried for a few days but with the help of a couple of magic prescription pills she has returned to semi-normal functioning. All of them displayed fleeting homicidal tendencies and revengeful thoughts towards their ex’s and with the exception of 1; I firmly believe that their ex’s safely will make it to their next birthdays.
Observing my 3 heterosexual friends enjoying their new found freedom, their mating rituals have become a matter of particular interest. I have noticed that when straight people become single their social life escalates into a frenzied diary of dinners, clubbing, events and drinks - not much unlike that of gay people. The consumption of alcohol also increases substantially! All, in my opinion, to abolish the painful memory and to maybe meet new people that will help them transition into the becoming again who they where before their hearts were ripped out of their chests and trampled on. However, unlike gay people straight people appear to have a peculiar way of selecting their potential mates. I think this is where natural selection comes in – after all heterosexuals have the added burden of having to procreate to sustain the species! It appears as subconsciously, potential mates are ruled out by a process of elimination prescribed by the flaws they exhibit similar to those with whom the hunting heterosexual have had a previous unfortunate encounter. If any potential mate show any sign of weakness, the words “let’s just be friends” will be uttered. I was also surprised to learn that unlike some gay people heterosexuals are also far less promiscuous when forced into the single life – they rather tend to use the promise of sex as a lure to test the potential mate’s persistence and tenacity. Only after they are satisfied of the potential mate's commitment sex will occur and if it’s bad that too can be the death of a potential relationship.
When surviving a breakup most people tend to swear off relationships, as the wounds are still too fresh. This holds true in both the gay and straight community. There is also always the fear that lurks like a shadow behind you of getting hurt again. So both straight and gay people surround themselves with friends and keep socially active. With straight woman I have discovered they are more flirtatious during this stage following a break up maybe due to the need to be wanted and found attractive, but as soon as too much attention comes their way an Ice Queen emerges and the potential suitor are in danger of frostbite. With straight guys the predatory instinct kicks in and testosterone goes into over drive. Spending more time with their straight single buddies reinforces this. However, after a few rejections the guys will go back to being dejected and become overly cautious bordering on shy as not only are their ego’s bruised but similar to their female counterparts their desire to be wanted and found attractive is also not met. So I deduce that heterosexual men and women’s timing must be perfect for a relationship to occur, hence to term coined chemistry! If the man is too early he will face the cold shoulder and if the woman is too aloof she will end up a spinster. But when the timing is just right and both are ready for it chemistry occurs and magic happens!

The mating ritual of homosexuals and heterosexuals are not so different. In many respects a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what your sexual preference. The pain of a breakup is the same and much behaviour following the breakup coincides. The fundamental difference lies in the obvious - the fact that in the gay community we may find it easier to understand our potential mates as we are from the same gender and our approach to potential relationships progress in an easier fashion. With heterosexual the mating dance is more intricate, prolonged and fraught with caution. But the homosexual community need our straight friends to never give up on their pursuit to find a mate and never give up on relationships no matter how badly their hearts have been broken. Time really heals all wounds! So it’s imperative that all my heterosexual friends never loose hope of finding that special person because until homosexuals find the means to naturally procreate, and believe me we try, technology and heterosexuals are our only means to our continued survival!

Till next time.

Margaret Cho - Gay Men Jokes

Hunky Man Meat Pageants

What’s up with all these damn gay pageants? One would swear with the rate they are occurring the world doesn’t have enough Queens already. Do we really need more, aren’t just being a regular queer queen enough? Do we really need to justify our queerness with crowns, tiaras and sashes? Or do queer folk just really love shiny jewelry and titles?

I recently read some harsh comments about the Mr. Gay South Africa competition and I must admit they really made me think. Most of the comments were rather unflattering and probably written by some jaded bitch queen with mommy issues, but with that said most of the comments do hold some truth. The gay community can be rather bitchy, spiteful, backstabbing and overly dramatic and none of this is better portrayed than by gay pageants. Put a bunch of queens together on a stage, tell them they are competing for a crown, a title and some cheap ass sponsored prizes or booze, and make sure the whole competition is rigged then sit back and watch the sparks fly.

For some bizarre reason if a queen is on a stage, even if he was never competitive in his life, some switch is flipped. This switch puts blinders on the poor dear and the whole competition becomes extremely important, a matter of life and death where winning is everything and losing means your whole life is a complete and utter failure. Most of us who have been around a few dodgy night clubs and their “beauty” pageants know that these competitions are almost always rigged (well at least in South Africa they are). The queen that is the most popular and loyal amongst the upper echelon of that particular night clubs always wins, no matter what the judges score sheet say.

Apart from these pageants being rigged I also find the whole concept quite queer. You see in my mind the idea of gay pageants must have been conceived amongst a group of old fat queens who one day were sitting around debating how they could get some tight, young gay ass. And VOILA gay pageants were born. What a shrewd way to get a bunch of young hunks together in one venue, have them strip down to their underwear and have them strut their stuff while they are being ogled by old men with nobody thinking it’s weird. Add the fact that these old farts also have some authority over who will win and you have the perfect recipe for them to get blown or laid or at the very least some attention.

When the queen finally has her title what happens next? It’s simple, she will strut her fagalicious ass around that night club for exactly one year, being the club’s “ambassador” and the envy of all her minions and that’s pretty much where it ends until the whole cycle repeats itself the following year. With bigger competitions where the doting queen competes for a national title the story differs slightly. Now she can go on to compete for a global title and take over the world and become the earthly ambassador of all queens everywhere!

Like Miss World you will read about these winners on a side bar of a web page somewhere, think he/she is pretty, check which country they represent and then go about your business. Even though they professed world peace, feeding hungry children, bathing and clothing the homeless and finding a cure for dreaded diseases, none of them actually accomplish any of these things. I still see dirty homeless people, hungry children and wars. So what’s the point? Are they nothing more than a pretty face to represent a charity or two, hunky man meat to grace benefit dinners or a nice magazine cover when an actual celebrity cancelled? Are they really making a difference? You decide for yourself.

I don’t get the point of pageants. Yes the guys are hunky and the drag queens are funky but do we really need them? Honestly I think we kind of do. It’s a great form of alternative entertainment as long as we are truthful about it and don’t try and fool people into believing pageants are something they are not. These queens will not save the world but they could save you from a dull night at home.

Till next time.

And we all remember Miss Teen USA "Such as"

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Be careful what you wish for. This is something I learned the hard way this past weekend. After complaining on Friday that my life is boring, I had no idea how ominous that statement would turn out to be. You see I started off my weekend, on Friday afternoon, rather peaceful and completely oblivious as to what was to come. Then at roughly at 5pm my weekend took a turn for the worst. During the last 72 hours I had to endure an influx of hate mails, my blog was deleted, then almost hacked and to top it all off, hubby and I witnessed a friend have an car accident.

Entering the long weekend I was rather hopeful for a quiet, relaxing and revitalizing time. Arriving home, Friday afternoon I decided to unwind with some therapeutic gardening work. After the flowers were watered, the hedges trimmed and the weeds pulled, I decided to have a quick look at my blog and to check my e-mails (something I usually do twice a day). Opening my e-mail I was delighted to see that there were 28 e-mails downloading. With the first couple of mails showing in my inbox I was rather intrigued with their subject lines “Go to hell fag”, “Turn or burn”, “God hates queers”, “You’re sick and depraved”, “Filth of humanity”, “Hope you get Aids and die” and “If I find you I’ll kill you” to mention but just a few.

As the e-mails downloaded and I perused the subject lines I didn’t need to be a brain surgeon to realize they were hate mails, or so I thought. Normally I quite enjoy receiving them as they can be entertaining as hell (excuse the pun) to read. As I opened the first couple I was disappointed to discover that the content was exactly the same – Bible verses wrapped nicely together with angry words. My excitement at reading the insulting subject lines, hoping for some new and creative diatribe was soon replaced with boredom and disinterest. This was not hate mail, this was hate spam! “How utterly rude!” I thought. If you want to send someone hate mail the least you can do is make an effort and generate your own content! Well over 50 hate spams later, being irritated, I decided to respond via my blog. By midnight the hate spam eventually stopped totaling 135. An eerie silence followed.

Saturday morning I checked my e-mail and no hate spam. Relieved at the thought of whoever was behind hate spamming me lost interest, I continued with my day. At around 4pm, I was due for a heart stopping shock. Trying to access my blog, the words no blogger ever wants to see appeared on my plasma screen THE BLOG YOUR TRYING TO ACCESS HAVE BEEN DELETED! Sure that this must be a mistake I refreshed the page and in a different window tried opening it again. The same message appeared in both windows. My heart sank and it felt like someone punched me in my stomach. It felt like I was going to pass out, then I realized I wasn’t breathing. “Oh my God! 20 months worth of articles are gone! What the fuck am I going to do?! I can’t start over!!! What the fuck!!!!!!!!!!”

It’s not easy to operate a computer that just gave you horrific news while hyperventilating. In full crisis management and disaster mode I frantically clicked away while my mind was racing with questions that were hurting my brain. I eventually accessed my Google account and received another shocker. My account was suspended due to suspicious activity and my account had to be verified which I did. As I clicked on Blogger, with bated breath I was praying to be successfully diverted to my blog dashboard which would signal that my blog had been recovered. It was an agonizing 5 seconds and the relieve I felt when the webpage finally opened was indescribable. However, my relief soon turned to anger as I was asking myself, who or what almost destroyed my blog. Was this a glitch or was it the work of the hate spammers? I still don’t know.

With a disaster averted hubby and I decided to go out for a night on the town. I needed to forget about the hate spam, the cyber terrorist attack and just needed to go and have fun. We went to a relatively new gay bar not for from our house. The bar was fairly quiet for a Saturday night and I wasn’t expecting to necessarily bump into anyone I knew but I did. As we were heading to order drinks I saw an old friend sitting at a table. I had take a double take, as I haven’t seen him in just over a year and he gained a few pounds, but was looking good nonetheless. We did some catching up, some dancing and we were having a gay old time. Eventually we decided to go to another club nearby which hubby and I also have never been to. We left the bar, got into our cars and we followed our friend.

Almost at our destination, our evening of laughter abruptly came to halt. As our friend was turning into the parking area a woman driving at a fairly fast speed skipped a stop street and crashed into him. I was in total disbelieve watching this happen and it took me a few seconds to get over the shock. We immediately pulled to the side of the road and I rushed over to my friend’s car to check if he was ok. He was in shock but luckily not injured. His car wasn’t that fortunate and was a total right off. As the passengers from the other wrecked car freed themselves, police and emergency workers were arriving at the accident scene. We were there for what felt like hours. At roughly 1am the accident scene was finally cleared and we drove our friend home. On our way to his apartment there was silence in the car. We were all tired and shocked at how our evening had ended. The silence was eventually broken with our friend mumbling “And it’s my birthday today” and I responded with the only words that came to mind “Happy birthday, you sure have started you year with a bang!”

Yes, be careful what you wish for. This weekend I wanted some excitement and wasn’t prepared for what I got. Hate spam, almost losing my blog and a terrible car accident was not on my planned itinerary, but like the saying goes “all’s well that ends well”. The hate spam once more reminded that I am probably doing something right with my blog, having my blog deleted for 4 hours reminded me why having a backup is so all important, and finally my friend’s car accident reminded of how quick an accident can happen and the importance of friends in my life.

Till next time.

Sam Harris takes a gay walk down Lesbian Lane comedy routine