Friday, March 26, 2010

The Funny Side of Sex

Top 10 Quotes
(1.) Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

(2.) Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.

(3.) I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

(4.) It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

(5.) Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love.

(6.) Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

(7.) If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

(8.) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

(9.) Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.

(10.) Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Joan Rivers

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

We may be fruits but we are no fucking peaches!

It’s only March 2010 and already I have gone through two major changes this year; one voluntary and the other semi voluntary. For those who know me well are aware that I don’t take well to change. Much like my cats I become irritated, neurotic and territorial. However the changes I have been experiencing is not all bad and both have their pros and cons. Much like the metamorphosis of caterpillar to a butterfly once the transformation is set motion there is little more to do than accept it.

During January I went through the stress of moving house and with simulations renovations the venture was abundantly eventful. Firstly nesting for homosexuals is an elaborate operation. Hubby and I could not just be content with slapping on a fresh coat of paint and call the new place home. No, if our budget permitted we would have come damn close to tearing the whole place down and rebuilding it from the ground up. Instead walls were painted, certain structures demolished and transformed, plants uprooted, walls raised, light fittings and kitchen appliances replaced and with our budget horrendously depleted we are now forced to take a small hiatus halfway through to regroup and replenish our finances. This forced pause perhaps came at the best of times as hubby and I had numerous decorating spats. The last of which was regarding the paint color of our outside walls.
You see I am not color blind but I do not have an eye for color. So when I and thee contractors stood outside trying to match the color of the exiting wall with color charts we all thought the one we had picked matched perfectly. So the next day they arrived, I went to work and later returned to a shocker. I came home to peach walls! Retreating to my happy place I calmly confronted to foreman about this obvious blunder and he had a thousand excuses. So I did what my mother use to do and said “Well, just wait until my husband gets home!

Hubby did arrive home an hour later visibly pissed off. He walked up to the foreman with me bracing myself for a violent altercation between them; the only words that came out of his mouth were “Do we look like peaches to you? We may be fruits but we are no fucking peaches!” Hubby then turned to me and said “Four men and hundreds of color charts and neither one of you could get it right?” He sighed, pulled back his shoulders and minced into house. Later that evening standing in the pink glow of our peach walls as it reflected the moon’s light I turned to my husband and said “That should teach us – never send three men to do one woman’s job”. He didn’t find this funny.

With the renovations now temporarily on hold I face my second big change, changing jobs. My government decided to be close down the organization I had been working for the last two years ; the reasoning behind this decision is too complicated and controversial for me to discuss here. However, the dismantling of the organization have been a long and painful process and as that ship was sinking much like the Titanic I vowed to stay until the very end or at least close to it. That end came last Friday. My departure was uneventful but sad. I had to say good bye to some people I have grown quite fond off and to some others I was not. Well wishes were exchanged and I ventured onto a new adventure.

Today was my first day at my new job and what a day it has been. I arrived bright and early dressed up appropriately according to their dress code. With a tie (or rather corporate noose) nicely fitted around my neck, neatly polished shoes and a positive attitude there was no doubt that I was the new kid on the block. I commanded some interested stares and was overwhelmed with many cordial introductions and I promise I will not remember even half of their names tomorrow.

As all first days go the most important places to find is the toilets, smoking area, the offices you should avoid, your assigned parking space and the cafeteria. Luckily for me everyone I will work with seems exceptionally friendly, so friendly that at one point I thought I was caught up in an episode of the twilight zone. Whether they are on drugs or just genuinely happy, I guess I will find out in the weeks to come. The happy butch lesbian might go nuclear on someone, the chubby fitness fanatic might become anorexic, and the very controlled psychologist I share an office with may just have a psychotic episode. Only time will tell.

The metamorphoses of change have been set in motion and there is no way of stopping it. I am already settled into my new home and in the process of adapting to my new career. The caterpillar is in the process of breaking free and whether our home and my new career will emerge with the fresh beauty of butterfly remains to be seen. One wing has already emerged with peach colors and a tentacle with a jovial exuberance.

Till next time.

Al Roker Face by Nadya Ginsburg

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Perfect World

I spent the last three days drowning in my own bodily fluids courtesy of the not so delightful flu. Being semi bedridden I had a lot of time to think in between wheezing and sneezing on my way to recovery. I realized we do not live in a perfect world. Not an earth shattering epiphany I know, but who have ever thought what their perfect world would be like?
In a perfect world leaders and politicians would have honor and integrity. In the world we live today we are lied to by the powers that be, people who can’t keep their zippers up and say one thing and then do the complete opposite. Politicians and religious leaders seem to be drunk on power, out of touch with the people they serve and the only interest they advocate are their own and that of their close benefactors. I have come to realize that if your basic civil rights have no financial or political gain for politicians you are guaranteed to either lose it or to never gain it. In a perfect world leaders and politicians would have been human beings with their own emotions paid for by themselves, empathy that is genuine and the power of logical thinking and problem solving skills that exceed that of a ten year old and that of a mindless puppet.
In a perfect world there would be no divides along racial, political, gender, religious and sexual lines. People would be free to live as they choose, love who they love and believe in whatever they feel most comfortable with. People would not be discriminated against or killed because they don’t believe in the most popular God of the day, love someone of the same sex or is in a relationship with person of a different race or religion. Society would be tolerant and accepting of the differences that make us human. In a perfect world there would be no religious wars, no advocates for injustice and no hate crimes.
In a perfect world there would be no self inflicted poverty. I would not have to drive past six beggars on my way to work every day. Five of which have nothing wrong with them or have any impediment apart from the fact that it’s easier for them to stand at the traffic light every morning for a couple of hours and beg instead of actually working for their money. In a perfect world I would not be made to feel guilty for not giving my hard earned cash to these beggars but instead giving it to newspaper salesman standing next to them who actually is trying to earn a living. In a perfect world people would try to take pride in their own lives and overcome the obstacles of life and not give up and end up next to the road at the traffic light.
In a perfect world I would see where my tax money is going and it would be a positive experience. In a perfect world my tax money would fix the pothole ridden roads I am forced to endanger my life on every day. We would not be paying for our politicians to live in mansions and our money rather would have been used to build houses for the poor or educate the underprivileged. In a perfect world our tax money would not be used to fight frivolous wars about oil or boarders but rather used for research and development of renewable and clean energy sources.
In a perfect world everyone would have been an icon. People would be selfless and humanitarians who cared about their fellow human beings. There would be world peace because people would have realized they are not the only ones on this planet and our planet is not the centre of the universe. We would have come to understand we are but a grain of sand on a very large beach and we are quite insignificant in the bigger scheme of things. We would know that we all need to survive and take care of each other if we and the generations to come have any chance of a future.

We do not live in this perfect world and chances are we never will, but it sure is nice to dream. Our politicians and religious leaders will still disappoint us, discrimination and intolerance still surrounds us, the reminders of why we get out of bed and go to work still stands at the traffic lights, my tax money still disappears into the black hole of the government’s coffers and people still can’t take the time to be kind to each other. We do not live in a perfect world and it’s nobody’s fault except our own.

Till next time.

Lady Gaga - Telephone ft. Beyoncé

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Laws Should Not Prohibit Love

On December 28, 2009, police officers arrested Steven Monjeza, 26, and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, 20, at their home, charging them under Sections 153 and 156 of the Malawian penal code for "unnatural offences" and "indecent practices between males." These arrests occurred two days after Steven and Tiwonge conducted a traditional engagement ceremony attended by family and friends in Chileka, Blantyre, an event that was widely reported in the Malawian press.

On January 6, 2010, they were taken to Queen Elizabeth Central Hospital, where Tiwonge was forced to undergo a medical examination, including an anal exam, to confirm the sodomy charges. IGLHRC sees this as a violation of the rights to dignity and privacy in the Malawian Constitution and such exams have been shown to have no forensic value. The following day, both Steven and Tiwonge were subjected to psychiatric evaluation.

They are now being held in Chichiri Prison in Blantyre and bail has repeatedly been denied. Despite critical constitutional and other legal issues raised by their lawyers in the High Court and appeals to the Chief Justice to have the case heard as a Constitutional Court issue, the criminal trial continues. If found guilty, they face imprisonment for up to 14 years with hard labor.

Their arrest, mistreatment and continued detention violate Malawian constitutional guarantees to equality and freedoms of association, conscience, opinion and expression as well as regional and international non-discrimination and privacy provisions. Malawi's Constitution specifically prohibits, and guarantees equal and effective protection from, discrimination on a number of grounds including "race, sex....or other status." Despite these various protections, the two remain incarcerated in Chichiri Prison in Blantyre where they await judgement scheduled for March 22, 2010. (International Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Comission)

Join the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission in sending cards and letters to Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, who have been imprisoned in Malawi on criminal charges of "unnatural offenses" and "indecent practices between males" after their traditional engagement ceremony. They are awaiting judgment in their case on March 22, 2010. These cards will show Steven and Tiwonge—and relevant authorities—that the international community is watching and stands in solidarity with them.

Contact Information:

Tiwonge Chimbalanga, Chichiri Prison, P.O. Box 30117, Chichiri, Blantyre, Malawi
Steven Monjeza, Chichiri Prison, P.O. Box 30117, Chichiri, Blantyre, Malawi

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Hate Mail

I said I'll publish my hate mail. Here is my latest:

u dirty faggit gay who likes cock in his mouth

Sort ur fuckin life out god made adam and eve not adam and steve u fucking queer go back to quire club and suck the holy kids off u dirty cock sucking cunt. u take it up the rear like ur mum. fucking scum like u go kill urself u fat ugly queer u look well ugly in ur profile pics no wonder u like men u fag. get some decent clothes and look like a normal person then change ur fucking sexuality u homosexual wankstain. go shag ur mum at least because shes a girl u fag UR NOT NORMAL KILL URSELF U FUCKING GAY FAGGIT.

James Thompson


Thursday, March 11, 2010

O'Conner & Jesus Will Burn Down the Vatican

Sinead O'Conner is outraged at the Catholic Church as Irish bishop Denis Brennan asked parishioners for money to compensate children who were sexually abused by priests. Here is Sinead O'Conner's letter.
PLEASE allow me to express my astonishment upon reading the statement made on the evening of March 1 by the Bishop of Ferns, Denis Brennan.

His statement attempts to dictate to us -- in the same way the Inquisition did -- how Christians should behave. It says directly that it would be anti-Christian of us to feel that the church should pay its own bills for its own abuse with its own billions that it throttled from our grandparents, whom it also abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically and sexually.

Evidence of sexual abuse by clergy, according to the Murphy report, can be traced as far back as 320 AD and the first treatment centres for paedophile priests were created in 1940, named Servants of the Paraclete.

These centres were opened all over the world.

I would like to know exactly whose idea this latest plan was and from where were issued the instructions or permission for Bishop Brennan to make such a statement.

The statement and its attempted manipulation of good Catholic people could be described as unbelievable and stupid.

But in my opinion, the only word that does it justice is 'evil'.

How long do they expect us to restrain ourselves? We have put up with this bull dung for hundreds of years.

A true Christian is someone who, in any given situation, is supposed to ask themselves what would Jesus do, then try to do that.

How an organisation which has acted, decade after decade, only to protect its business interests above the interests of children can feel it has the right to dictate to us what Christians should do is beyond belief.

From the Pope on down, through the Vatican and therefore through the lower echelons, the whole organisation, in my belief, is utterly anti-Christian and evil, as proven by centuries of torture, bloodshed, burnings, terrorism, and coverings-up of "the worst crime" known to man.

And if Jesus Christ is to be seen in the vulnerable of this world, then all the church has done is crucify the man over and over and over again.

If Christ was here, he would be burning down the Vatican. And I for one would be helping him.

Sinead O'Connor

Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares To You

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Lies People Tell

All of us have told a lie. Whether we weren’t completely honest about how our better half’s ass looked in that tight jeans, insincerely complimented a best friend on their hideous new hairstyle; we all know lies comes in all shapes and sizes. For some telling a lie is as effortless as braking wind in public, however as all farts go the fowl odour soon will permeate the air around them and for some reason this inconsiderate social aromatic gesture is always blamed on someone else. We have all told a lie and most of us have been lied to but when does a little white lie turn into something with serious consequences?
I have read somewhere that children are born honest and only learn to fib later in life. My first recollection of telling a lie was roughly around the age of four. You see my sister and I didn’t like each other much during our early years and frequently got into terrible fights. She being older than I was she had both the tactical and strategic advantage both in size and experience. On this particular day she was practicing on the piano and I wanted to play with her. After reaching her zenith of frustration she responded in the only way she thought would get through to me – violence! She scratched me across my cheek. As blood started trickling from the four straight lines on my face her initial satisfaction turned into panic: Our mom was on her way home and she would be in trouble, being the astute strategist she was she took the only recourse she could see fit- blackmail.
My sister told me if I tell my mom what had happened she would tell on me. Being four years old I didn’t really have that many bodies buried in the back yard but honestly believed that my sister had some serious dirt on me that I may have forgotten about. So when my mom walked into the house I tried to avoid her covering my gashing wound with a bathroom towel not realizing this act of concealment would draw attention. My mom saw the towel and asked me to remove it. At this point I saw my sister’s blond pony tails hastily disappearing out of the front door. My mom asked what happened and like a fart I blamed the dog. Knowing our tumultuous history my sister was called and with a frightened caution she returned to the house and we were both forced to spill the beans. Consequently, both of us were punished - I for lying and my sister for attempted homicide, she did however receive clemency for the blackmail.
Some lies are not as innocent and the deception malicious. During the last couple of weeks my husband and I learned this the hard way. We moved out of our old apartment into a new property. As the old place was on the market to be sold and not having received any offers from perspective buyers yet we decided to rent it out. Neither one of us wanted to deal with the administrative side of leasing out the property so we enlisted to services of a real estate agency. A week after we moved out I received a phone call from a very enthusiastic agent informing us she had found us the perfect tenants. The only catch was they wanted to move in the very next day. Naturally, we being cautious she was bombarded with questions and she addressed most of our concerns. It all sounded too good to be true, but being optimistic we decided to agree and the new tenants would moved in.
The next day hubby went to sign the lease agreement and briefly met (or rather saw) the tenants. “They looked like white trash” was hubby’s exact words that evening. . Three weeks later I receive a message on Facebook from a friend asking if we evicted our tenants as they had moved out. Shocked, and after I threw up a little in my mouth, I phoned the estate agent who confirmed this unwelcome surprise trying to convince me that my husband had given permission for the lease agreement to be terminated. Knowing this to be untrue, unless I was caught up in some parallel dimension, a frantic phone call to my husband exposed the agent’s lie. He was at the hairdresser at the time and threw a hissy fit the likes our hairdresser and friend had never seen before and I was sure he was gobsmacked. We were both enraged and these two queens was gearing up for a full on bitch fight!
Complaints were laid at the Agency’s head office and after days passed of receiving no satisfactory response, I went to the Agency to fetch the apartment’s keys. There I found myself entrapped by the agent and her supervisor who were waiting for me. A heated discussion ensued and after being slandered by her and the supervisor I was livid. However, this would not be my only ordeal for the day. I left to inspect the aftermath that was left of our once beautiful apartment and was disturbed by what I found. The apartment was in a state of disarray! Our tenants were indeed white trash and now I needed to clean up after them. It was disgusting and on completion of this dreadful task I felt like I needed an antiseptic bath! No queer should ever have to clean up shit (literally) after other people – the experience left me utterly traumatized!
On further investigation it was discovered that the agent intentionally deceived us. We were blatantly lied to as neither the tenants nor the agent had any intention of honouring our lease agreement. You see they were friends and the tenants urgently needed a place to spread their germs and filth for a month, a little technical piece of information that was purposefully omitted. This is not where the deception stopped but as we decided to sue the agent and the real estate agency she works for further details may become Sub Judice and compromise the future success of our case. In this instance the lies we were told proofed to have serious consequences for us but now especially for the agent and her employer.
Yes we all tell lies and we all have been lied to. Sometimes the little white lie is to spare someone’s feelings, to keep the peace or just done to stay out of trouble with your parents. However, we don’t stay children forever and we grow up. In the big grown up world we all know the difference between right and wrong and lies no matter how innocent (even to help a friend) could have serious consequences.

Till next time.

The Importance of Truth

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Uganda: Rights Not Repression

Gay Ugandans may be sentenced to death if legislation being debated right now passes.

High level international condemnation has just pushed the President to send the bill for review, but Ugandan allies say only a worldwide outcry could tip Parliamentarians away from discrimination, alarming them with global isolation.
There are just a few days left - please sign the petition to oppose Uganda's anti-gay law and send it on to friends and family and it will be delivered to Uganda's politicians, donors and embassies around the world.

To sign the petition please click HERE!

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