Friday, December 28, 2012

2012: The Good, the Bad & the Ugly.

General consensus among my friends is that 2012 was a rather shitty year.  This year was shitty for different people for different reason.  I for one am rather relieved that I survived 2012, albeit it a little worse for wear, but I survived!  As life goes, 2012 posed a few challenges for me but it wasn’t all bad.  Sure I suffered a Panic Attack and now rely on certain prescription chemical, but isn’t this all part of living in a world that sometimes goes bat shit crazy and is a rat race with no finishing line? As I take this opportunity to reflect on some of my highlights and low-lights of 2012 I cannot help but wonder, will 2013 be better?
As some of you know 2012 didn’t start off that entirely great for me.  Sure I welcomed in the New Year on the island of Madagascar and spent a glorious 11 carefree days there, but my holiday ended in a disaster culminating in The Day I Almost Died.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would ever end up being a “medical emergency” thirty thousand feet in the air, but I did!  I was suffering from double pneumonia.  My holiday ended with me landing back in South Africa, going straight to the Emergency Room and being admitted to hospital for 5 fucking days.  The perfect start to 2012, don’t you think?

Apart from narrowly escaping death this year I also dabbled in some diet pills.  You see I am a sucker for anything that can help you lose weight that doesn’t require any exercise or dieting.  After all, I am about five stomach flues away from my goal weight!  So when some Chinese Weight Loss Pills promised that I would lose weight without any effort I jumped at the chance.  These pills have since been taken off the market because they are “dangerous” and I am still ten kilograms overweight.  Fuck!  We also had to fire another housekeeper this year.  It is really difficult to find good Help these days.  In the last two years we had about five housekeepers with The Sleuth, The Bitch and The Sloth being the worst of them.  Luckily, we finally found one who might be a keeper, let’s cross our fingers that she does not end up being some deranged serial killer down the road.  I would hate for one of my body parts to end up being a souvenir in her basement.

Speaking of serial killers, this year I also, to my utter horror, discovered that I was friended on Facebook by a Psycho Killer.  I was friends with Luca Rocco Magnotta.  The same guy who killed his boyfriend, videotaped the murder and then proceeded to cut the corpse into pieces and then mailed certain body parts to Canadian politicians.  Yes, I can really pick them!  He eventually got arrested and I learned how to use Facebook’s block function.  This really made me reconsider who I will accept as friends on Facebook, if I ever again get my friend list below 5000.  There really are some sick fucks out there and I made it abundantly clear on many occasions that, NO, I don’t want to be friends with people whose profile picks are their genitals or people who use Facebook as their personal sex hookup site.  I don’t want to friend your cock!
This year I also had a minor procedure done, you know the kind that delays the effects of time and ageing.  Sometimes Botox and the oils of delay aren’t enough and you need a little extra help.  This is when I learned that sometimes Beauty Equals Pain.  This year I also had an iBreakup.  I finally mustered up the courage to dump BlackBerry and switched to iPhone for good.  This breakup was long overdue and I know BlackBerry must be upset, but hey, life is a bitch and sometimes you have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it!

As for travel, this was a great year for that.  No disasters, no being harassed by customs officials and no diversions to godforsaken airports due to “weather problems'.  This year hubby and I went to New York City and this was most definitely one of the highlights of my year.  I loved the Big Apple and we took one hell of a big bite out of the city we instantly fell in love with.  Sure my public toilet phobia did harass me once again, but hey, even I can sometimes will the power to temporarily overcome certain of my eccentricities!  Another highlight this year was the opportunity to be only a few feet away from one of my idols – Lady Gaga!  A group of us attended The Born this Way Ball; this was the first time Lady Gaga toured South Africa and Johannesburg couldn’t get enough of her.  This was one of the most exciting days I had in 2012!  I love that bitch!

Two blog posts that I am particularly proud of this year is one of my pet projects:  Through the years I have been collecting old pictures of Gay and Lesbian couples spanning over 100 years.  100 Years of Gay Couples and 100 Years of Lesbian Couples are particularly dear to my heart as they show that we have really been around forever, even before it became “popular”.  We sure have come a long way with LGBTI rights over the last 100 years, but we have a long way to go still.  There still are some bigoted homophobes out there.  This year I lost my shit with one such homophobe named Pastor Oscar Peter Bougardt and I ended up successfully reporting him to the South African Human Rights Commission for hate speech.  Presently, they are still investigating the matter.  Then there were also the Light of the Nations Church and their stupid billboard which we managed to get removed.  Small victories, you might say, but it is with these small victories that the battle will be won.
No year and no life would be complete without pets.  Yes, President Jacob Zuma said having and caring for pets is “un-African” but I say fuck that!  I love My Cat from Hell and hubby and I do have what some could classify as being a zoo.  This year our furry family became even furrier with the addition of two bunnies who likes to pee on you and a tortoise.  Currently, we are one gay donkey away from having to move to a farm.  Unfortunately, this year also brought a tragedy with an accident that killed Alexi.  It was a sad and traumatic day but we made it through it. Rest in Peace Alexi!

Yes, 2012 was a rather shitty year but on the bright side, at least we survived another Apocalypse! 2012 taught me that even though life sometimes throws challenges our way we can all overcome these and the manner in which we overcome these challenges builds character, shows integrity and makes one stronger.  Sure this year was rather tough but my saving grace this year was my sense of humor and my ability to sometimes not take life too seriously and to take a moment to laugh at myself.  After all without laughter life would be oh so dreary and I prefer to stay on the delightful side of life, if I can.  So cheers to 2012.  You have been one motherfucking bitch who kicked me in the balls three times this year, but hey I love myself some bitchiness sometimes.  Let’s hope 2013 is better.  Happy New Year Bitches!

Till next time.

Monday, December 24, 2012

10 Rules / Tips for Christmas

Here are a few rules / tips for Christmas
1) You are going to gain a few pounds deal with it! That's why we have new years resolutions.
2) Don't dress up your pets! They may look cute, but trust me they will resent you for the rest of the year.
3) No matter what gifts you get, look surprised and happy (Botox helps with this)! You can always recycle that gift again next year.

4) Every family has a pink elephant, the aunt that got really fat, the bastard child or the odd face-lift! Christmas dinner is neither the best time nor the best place to introduce this into conversation no matter how dull the conversation is.
5) If you plan on "Coming Out", don't do it in a Santa's costume. This will NOT soften the blow and it will ruin Santa's wholesome image.
6) No party tricks! It may seem a good idea in your head but in reality you will make an ass of yourself.
7) Always wear underwear! This is essential and not just for Christmas.8) Be nice! We may not like all of our family, but the nice thing about Christmas is that you only have to see them once a year.
9) Don't drink and drive! I treasure all my blog readers and I don't want to loose the few of you!
10) The most important rule of them all - BE FABULOUS!!!
(Wishing Everyone a Blessed Christmas.)

If Santa was Gay

This is just too hilarious to keep to myself. Santa Bear and the 7 Gay Elves.
Which one of the elves would you be?

Friday, December 21, 2012

I don’t want to be Susan Lucci!

From the hideous badge on top of my blog you can probably deduce that it is that time of year again.  Against my better judgment I unwittingly entered to 2012 SA Blog Awards.  You see, I thought I was re-registering on their website and BAM, my blond predisposition caused me to enter this silly blog awards again.  Since I started my blog (almost 4 years ago, yes it has been that long) I have always managed to be nominated but I have never actually managed to win.  This has led me to believe that I am the Suzan Lucci of the blogosphere.  This year I have been nominated in two categories, Best Lifestyle/ Entertainment Blog and Best Political Blog (because of all the shit I cause for homophobes).  Will my Susan Lucci curse be broken this year?  Will you help me break it?  If you do, then please click on the hideous badge and vote or CLICK HERE.  Also don’t forget to confirm your vote.  Voting closes on 28 December 2012.  

Monday, December 10, 2012

Losing a pet is hard. Accidentally reversing over one is worse.

This past weekend our house was the scene of a tragic accident.  So tragic, that after it happened I could barely speak due to shock and sadness.  It is never a pleasant experience to lose a family pet, especially not if it was, in part, your own fault.  So still somewhat distraught from the emotional cocktail of sadness, grief and guilt. I thought it appropriate to use my blog as a platform for a much needed catharsis to help me overcome the tragic death of our beloved bunny Alexi.
R.I.P. Alexi
For those who read my blog regularly will know that all our pets are like our children.  And even though we do have quite a large family, by any standards, we love all our children equally.  When we got our bunnies just over two months ago I never imagined that one of them would die so soon.  I have always been pretty pedantic about the safety of all our animals, anal-retentive about making sure they have a healthy and well balanced diet and that they are both physically and emotionally in good shape.  Up until this weekend this have served me well, but as some people will tell you who has also gone through something similar, it only takes one slip-up and a split second for an accident to happen and in our case it was lethal.

You see, on Saturday our gardener came.  As per usual he was lectured about keeping the front door to our property closed at all times.  He was also lectured on keeping the sliding door that leads to the garage closed at all times and that he should make sure the bunnies does not go in there when he is fetching gardening tools.  The man has the IQ of a turnip and the attention span of a gold fish and usually only 10% of what you tell him sinks in.  Unfortunately on Saturday that 10% was not in favor of the bunnies.  His presence on our property would proof to be lethal for Alexi.

At around 10:00 hubby was on his way to the mall.  He entered the garage; saw that the sliding door leading to the garage was closed.  He got into his car, opened the garage door, reversed out and left.  About thirty minutes later our gardener came and knocked on the door.  I asked him what he needed and then he uttered the seven words that completely ruined the rest of my day.  He said “There is a bunny dead in garage.”  When I got to the garage I was completely unprepared for what I was about to see.
On the ground lay Alexi in a pool of his own blood.  It was clear that hubby drove over him and that Alexi was killed instantly.  Not wanting to have a complete emotional meltdown in front of the help (I am not that dramatic), I asked him to take the body to our vegetable garden and leave him there.  I walked back into the house and sobbed like a baby.  When I finally could compose myself I phoned hubby and told him what had happened.  During the call I found it difficult to find the right words.  “It was an accident and accidents happen” I remembered telling hubby who was devastated at what he had done.  We both felt an extreme sense of loss and guilt for failing to protect Alexi from harm.  It felt like we failed him.  We felt like horrible parents!

After I managed to get my bearings again, I proceeded to go to Alexi’s body and washed off most of the blood.  Bunnies have a strange way of grieving and when one of them dies the remaining bunny(s) need to spend time with the deceased bunny’s body in order to grieve and say goodbye.  This is exactly what I did for Halina.  She spent time with Alexi and did that little dance they do.  Eventually she gave him a final gentle lick and came and sat on my lap with her back turned to Alexi’s corpse.  The rest of the day it was clear that Halina was grieving and that she missed her friend.  Her pain and loss was mirrored in us.  My heart was broken just like Alexi’s bones.  The only consolation was that at least he did not suffer.

Later that day, hubby and I decided that we should bury Alexi in his favorite spot in the garden.  In South Africa this is illegal, but I decided to say fuck you to the municipal bylaws and we did it anyway.  By late afternoon hubby had dug a hole and Alexi was laid to rest.  It was a somber yet dignified affair.  Alexi is the first pet that we had to bury at our house since we have moved there and hopefully we will not have to have another pet funeral in some years to come.  In the two months that we knew Alexi he brought us nothing but joy, he was a funny little bun, full of life and he was naughty as hell.  We will never forget him.
Bunnies are social animals and need a companion.  Seeing as hubby and I work the whole day and that Halina would be alone in her day cage for most of the day, we decided to find her a new companion.  So we bought the five week old Vladimir.  He’s still a baby bunny and I was very concerned that Halina would reject him or even, God forbid, fight with him.  When we introduced him to her, Halina pretty much ignored him.  As they spent more time together they seemed to become more relaxed around each other.  On Sunday night Halina acknowledged Vladimir’s presence for the first time by spending a full hour trying to dry hump him.  She did this to establish her dominance over him seeing that bunny families are matriarchic.  After an hour of being dry humped Vladimir eventually submitted and this was followed by a protracted mutual grooming session.

Losing a pet is hard.  Accidentally reversing over one is worse.  But accidents do happen and I am sure hubby was not the first person to accidentally drive over and killing a pet.  I could not have foreseen that this past weekend would include a bunny funeral, but ain’t that just the way life goes sometimes.  This weekend just once again showed me that life is short and it can be over in a second.  So live each day to the fullest, appreciate everything that is in your life and never let an opportunity go by without telling your loved one how much they mean to you and that you love them.  Life is short; don’t waste a minute of it!  Alexi, we will miss you.

Till next time.

Monday, December 3, 2012

@LadyGaga and the #BornThisWayBall

If Twitter and Facebook are anything to go by then Lady Gaga’s visit to South Africa has been an extraordinary success, with people raving about her Johannesburg concert all over the social media.  When we bought our tickets, which was months ago, I was super excited to go to her concert.  Since she started her career five years ago I was an instant fan and I am very proud today to call myself a “Little Monster”.  Gaga has never seized to impress me with her music, her artistry and the positive messages she conveys albeit in a very unconventional way.  So when the day came, last Friday, for hubby, our friends and I to see her perform live in Johannesburg we were bursting with anticipation.
About three weeks ago our preparation for Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Ball started.  After all you can’t go and see Gaga and not dress up.  It would be almost blasphemous to pitch up at one of her concerts wearing just a jean and t-shirt.  Not wanting to look like a big walking cliché we put some thought into our outfits.  We were not going to sew stuffed toys to our clothes or show up wearing nothing but bubble wrap and black duck tape on our nipples.  No, that has all been done.  We wanted to do something unexpected, something original yet classy.  So we decided on going to the concert dressed up like slutty school boys.  Can you imagine four thirty something guys in school clothes getting their sluts on?

The outfits were simplistic, your average grey pants and white shirts and thin leather ties.  The shirts having on their backs embroider the words “Class of 2012 Gaga’s School of lil MoNsTeRs”.  On the front pockets a black badge with the words “Born this Way Ball” written in what else but glitter.  To jazz things up even further (because we are gay like that) we also had shiny strips of cubic zirconia crystals stuck all over the shirts.  Hubby had his grey short shortened and our other friend had his skirt made into a very mini miniskirt.  He also had a weave glued to his head on only one side and had several crystals stuck on to his face.  We all looked very shiny, very slutty and very gay.  On our way to the park-and-ride I remember us discussing how we hope other people would be dressed up too.  We all agreed that it would be a crying shame if we were the only ones.  Arriving at the park-and-ride I was unprepared for what happened next.
As soon as we got there people stared at us as if we just arrived on our spaceship from the planet G.O.A.T.  The stares quickly and unexpectedly turned into a paparazzi frenzy.  People were asking if they could take photographs with us and once Gregg showed them that he had written on his panty in glitter the words “GAGA” the photographic frenzy intensified.  This continued even after we arrived at the venue.  There are photos of us and Gregg’s ass all over Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.  Who knew that our rather simplistic outfits would attract that much attention?  But hey, it’s Gaga and you should show her some respect by stepping it up and putting in the effort.  Luckily we were not the only ones that came dressed for the concert.  There were loads of other little monsters wearing wigs, cans in their hair, taped nipples and weird and wonderful makeup.  It was a proverbial sea of very excited little monsters.

There were people who arrived at the venue as early as 9 o’clock in the morning which is dedications if I have ever seen it.  When we arrived at the venue, just a little after 4pm, there was already a large queue.  I didn’t know it then, but when we got off the bus that would be the last time I would have been sitting until just after midnight and that my feet and legs were going to be fucking sore at the end.  It was a long wait until we could go inside and once the gates opened it was a stampede with glitter and wigs flying everywhere.  Everyone was running to make sure they got the best place to stand.  At one point we were running also and I remember asking myself what the fuck I was running for.  But I ran anyway even though I knew there was no point to it.  To make a long story short we ended up standing 5 meters away from the stage and had the perfect vantage point from which to bask in the splendor that is Lady Gaga.
This concert was the first time that I realized that I was not as short as I thought I was.  I could actually see over the other people, which is rare for me.   During the show we had one annoying little Indian chick standing behind me.  This little annoyance from Bombay was short, full of energy and had no respect for the personal space of others.  She dry humped me from behind, thoroughly molested my back with her DD-cup boobs and at one point her ponytail was giving my exposed arm a rub down.  I felt extremely violated!  That chick had probably gone to third base with me and she didn’t even realize it and God knows I did not consent to it.  I felt a little raped and even though I also had an eye infection and had to wear sunglasses throughout the show I didn’t care because Gaga made it all worth it.

The show was indescribably good.  I was immensely impressed with the effort that goes into Gaga’s concerts and all the people that must work their asses off behind the scenes to make sure the stage, sound and lighting is perfect.  The people who help Gaga with her costume changes, of which there are many, and how fast that is done.  Her dancers who were magnificent, her band and of course Lady Gage herself.  When she sits behind the piano and sings magic happens.  She is also one of those artists who have enchantment inside her and she engages the audience on a level that I personally have never experienced before.  She truly is a brilliant performer who comes across as humble and sincere.  Gaga also manages to be authentic as an artist and conveys a positive and uplifting message through her music that could be felt by all who were there.
For those religious freaks who protested for Lady Gaga to be banned from coming to South Africa, where were you on Friday?  You made such a big stink about Gaga yet when push comes to shove you can’t even show up.  According to them Gaga is the Bride of Satan who will corrupt the youth of South Africa.  Well dumb fucks, clearly you protest against someone who you don’t know and whose concerts you have never seen.  If you were there on Friday you would have realized how ignorant you really are.  Gaga’s message to South Africa was one of hope.

The message I got from Gaga on Friday was that no matter who or what you are you should respect yourself, be proud of yourself, reach for your dreams, work hard, not give a fuck about what people say about you and never let anyone make you feel small, not worth it or say that you are not good enough.  Also if you are sad or being bullied you should always remember that you are not alone.  On Friday I was inspired.  I was inspired by Lady Gaga and how hard she has worked to get to where she is today.  I have also gained so much more respect for her as an artist and as a person.  If you have the opportunity to go to one of her concerts, do yourself a favor and go.  It will rock your world and you will leave feeling positive, optimistic and inspired.  I was Born This Way Bitches…

Till next time.

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