Monday, February 27, 2012

Chinese Weight loss Pills

I swear my body works on a five year cycle.  Either that or I am more like Oprah than what I want to believe.  Since I reached the tender age of thirty my metabolism decided to shut the hell down and all that “I wish I could gain some weight” of my early twenties came back to bite me in my fat ass ten years later.  Yes people, it is time to renew my driver’s license again, and yes I am going to be stuck with a pudgy photo of myself on my license until 2017.  It’s a bloody nightmare but I have a plan.  There’s nothing that I can do about the driver’s license right now but there is something I can do about the weight – it is called KAMEI and it comes from China.
 First let me qualify what I mean when I say I am fat.  In gay terms I am fat.  I’m about 8 to 10 kilograms (17.6 lbs to 22lbs) over what is acceptable, in gay terms, for my height and technically speaking, in gay terms, I am very close to being classified obese.  Yes people – OBESE!  No one likes a flabby fag and no matter what I want to believe myself - I don’t either.  So I did what any self-respecting curvy homosexual would do, I decided to get some diet pills.  Not the “you are wired the whole day and at night you can’t sleep” ephedrine kind; No I decided to go for the “I don’t exactly know what’s in them and I could possibly die” Chinese kind.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and for the homosexual on-the-go who don’t have time to run like an obtuse rodent on a treadmill, pills seemed like the perfect solution.  A colleague at work was selling these sliming tablets and by all accounts they seem to work.  Naturally, I could not resist and I got myself a month’s supply at a very reasonable price.  Buying these pills and taking them is very similar to joining Brad Pitt’s Fight Club.  Only this is Diet Club, and the first rule of Diet Club is do not talk about Diet Club.
 What doesn’t kill you will make you thinner.  This is what I told myself when I drank my first pill.  There was no piece of paper inside the box listing the active ingredients, its workings or possible side effects.  Furthermore, the pills were also not FDA approved and the packaging simply stated it was FDA supervised.  I didn’t know what the fuck that meant and frankly I didn’t and still don’t care.  If these pills can make me loose 10kgs in 3 months I am prepared to stick feathers up my ass and call myself a chicken.  I was going to try it and tell my husband nothing (you know the first rule of Diet Club and all).  But alas, I just cannot keep secrets from my hubby.

Come Friday night, hubby and I decided to go out for an early supper at an Italian restaurant just around the corner from where we live.  After some good food and a bottle of chardonnay I came clean.  “So I am taking these Chinese slimming tablets that I bought at work.  It makes you lose weight without any dieting and/or exercise” I said trying not to sound ashamed at my lack of weight loss effort.  “Really?  Is it legal?  It didn’t fall off a truck or come from the black-market, did it?  You do work with some pretty strange people and it would not surprise me if it did.”  Hubby said with that disapproving look he has perfected.  After arriving home hubby asked to see the packing and while reading it he broke down laughing.
 My mother taught me to always read the packing of anything before I put it in my mouth because it is important to know exactly what you are putting in your body and how much calories it contains.  But, for some strange reason I did not bother to do it this time.  Hubby proceeded to read the packaging to me out loud.  The ingredients are listed on two separate places, at the one place it ends with the word “and others” and at the other it ends with “ETC”.  It seems they listed what they considered to be the most important ingredients but oh don’t you worry about the others they are not important and do not really matter.

Then there were the human body experiment and the goods “do not diarrhea and vomiting or anorexia” and is suitable for the obese crowd and will lessen your circumference.  Perfect, I do want my circumference lessened and I do not like having diarrhea, vomiting and I have no intention of starving myself either.  So it’s perfect.  Hubby said it’s ok for me to take the pills to see if they work.  After all, my will and testament is up to date as is all my life insurance.  It’s not like there’s anything harmful in my Chinese weight loss pills, right?  However, I do lie awake some nights wondering what the “and others” and “ETC” are though.
 Today is day five and I am still alive.  We don’t own a scale, because scales are evil.  The only good practical purpose scales serve is for weighing your luggage to ensure it meets the airline’s weight allowance and that we do at my in-laws.  So in the absence of a scale I don’t know if I have lost any weight yet.  I’ll guess when I put on that one pair of black pants which have become a little too tight around the hip area I will see if the KAMEI is working.  In the mean time, I will think about possibly joining the gym again and cutting out some of those delicious carbs and sugar from my diet.  So goodbye cupcakes...  Farewell chocolate bars...  Au revoir crisps...  We won’t be apart long.

Till next time.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you.

As all cat owners will tell, cats are weird!  You never really quite know where you stand with them and they are also not all that forthcoming with affection.  Sure they rely on us for food, or so we want as to believe.  Surely they must love us and will never do anything (on purpose that is) to harm us, or will they?  Maybe all the affection (or lack thereof) is just a ruse to conceal their true intentions – the fact that they are secretly plotting to kill us.  Here are the tell tail signs that your cat maybe plotting to kill you.  Read carefully, be warned and be prepared…
1) Kneading on you:
You may think this is a sign of affection, but your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weakness.

2) Excessive shoveling of kitty litter:
After using the litter box, your cat needlessly kicks litter around, most of it ending up all over the room.  This is practice for burying your body.

3) Staring contests:
If you get caught in a staring contest with your cat, do NOT look away.  Looking away will signal to your cat that you are weak and an attack is likely to follow.

4) Bringing you dead animals:
This isn’t a gift.  It is a warning.

5) Throwing up grass:
Through this painful feeding and purging process, cats prepare their minds and bodies for combat.

6) Hiding in dark places and watching you:
Your cat will often hide in order to study you in your natural habitat, learn your routine and exploit your weaknesses.

7) Sleeping on your electronics:
Humans have superior technology.  Your cat knows this.  Your cat will do its best to disrupt all communications to the outside world.

8) Pawing at your face while you sleep:
Cats aren’t very good at smothering people as is widely believed.  But this won’t stop them from trying.

9) Licking the tiles after you get out of the shower:
Cats do not do this because they are thirsty; they are actually systematically removing your DNA from the house.

10) Sprinting at light speed out of any room you enter:
When your cat does this, it is actually a failed ambush.  Your cat will try again.

This post has been verified by Killer Pussy and is certified to be true and correct.  You can LIKE her Fan Page HERE or follow her on Twitter.

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Till next time.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Conversion Therapy & the Homosexual Agenda

It is with grave concern that we at Queer HQ learned that a certain Church, of which we do not speak, recently decided to expand their disgraceful conversion therapy program.  Their program dubbed H20 (Homosexuality 2 Overcome) that was started in 2005 is now also going to be taught to the general public.  Now people with no mental health experience or training will be unleashed amongst the gay community attempting to indiscriminately convert queer folk. But we at Queer HQ have taken notice and we are prepared with our very own counterargument about heterosexuality and our own devious plan.
We all know heterosexuality is a lifestyle choice and enforcing heterosexuality on any person is nothing less than a gross human rights abuse and should be treated with the contempt and disgust it deserves.  After all, if it wasn’t for heterosexuality the world would not have been over populated; there would not have been divorce, child neglect and polygamy to mention but just a few.  All of these are lifestyle choices: nobody forces you to have children, get married to one or more person, not care for your child or file for divorce.  It’s all choices people make themselves.  But apart from heterosexuality clearly being a choice, more concerning is how practicing it impacts on the environment.

Heterosexuality is bad for the environment.  The typical heterosexual’s carbon food print is 4 times that of the average homosexual.  Why you ask?  The answer is simple.  Due to the average heterosexual being too overburdened by his/her everyday life encumbers (which he/she choose), they generally will also choose practicality over what is good for the environment thereby systematically destroying it.  In other words heterosexuals are just plain lazy and because of that Mother Nature suffers.
Very few heterosexuals will take the time to sort out their trash for recycling, do a thorough study about a cars carbon emissions before buying it, find out more about a certain brand’s labor practices and history before purchasing it, or sacrifice a whole Saturday to walk around in the sun with a wig in 6 inch heals to make a statement and to ensure that their community’s voices are heard.  If this is not bad enough, it only gets worse from here.

Heterosexuality causes mental distress.  It has been well documented that heterosexuality is the leading cause of depression, stress, sexual dysfunctions, unemployment, economic recessions and war.  Just look around you if you don’t believe me.  How many of these things are as a direct result of homosexuals?  Have we made the political decisions that led to war, economic collapse and the residual consequences thereof?  No.  It was heterosexuals.  Therefore, in the interest of our planet and our continued survival we have to root out heterosexuality.  It is what’s best for the planet.
Sure confused unconverted heterosexuals out number us (for the moment) and we need this to change.  If we allow this scourge to continue, in a hundred years from now, the heterosexual will have all but completely destroyed the earth.  Action must be taken and action must be swift!

The first order of business is to infiltrate these so called conversion therapy groups and learn as much as possible about them.  Sure certain queer folks’ balls or labia may be met with electrocution, but that’s why we must be selective and deploy only the brave.  Secondly, we will announce in all forms of media each and every little dirty detail about these therapies and make sure the whole world knows who and what and exactly how crazy these homophobes are.

As soon as we have exposed these types of therapies as ludicrous and ineffective as they truly are, we can begin with our own conversion.  Once the world population has been prepared by our longstanding campaign of subliminal propaganda through print-, film-, electronic-, social media and this Blog, the stage will be set for mass conversions.  But don’t fret, we have learned a thing or two from history and it will be nothing like the holocaust.
Heterosexuals will be given a choice (seeing as they like choices).  Turn gay or pay!  You see we don’t actually want to physically harm any heterosexual (we need them to work as slaves and harvest their sperm and eggs later), but we do want to save our planet.  If you don’t voluntarily want to turn gay you will be taxed to death.  Heterosexuality will become so expensive, rules so stringent that not even the most chronic OCD sufferer would be able to cope and live within the rules, regulations, procedures and laws we envisage implementing.

Here are just a few things we are currently looking at.  There will be no more natural procreation, technology will take over and pregnancy and children will be seen as the privilege they are meant to be.  Divorce will be banned and all marriage will end with death of one or both of the spouses.  All forms of showing physical affection by heterosexuals will be frowned upon and banned in public spaces, and like smokers they will have small poorly ventilated sections in restaurants out of sight of the other patrons.  Employers and immigration authorities will refuse to recognize heterosexual marriages and opposite sex partners will not be afforded certain benefits or legal statuses.  Practicing heterosexuals will not be allowed to vote.
 Sure some of these things seem harsh, but we are doing this to save our planet and ensure our future.  Heterosexuality is destroying life as we know it and if we do not stop them, all can be lost forever.  If some of this rhetoric sounds familiar, you may be surprised to learn that most of this I have taken from actual arguments made against homosexuality in just the last few months.  Countries the likes of Libya, Egypt, Uganda, United States and the United Emirates have all had some asshole homophobe argue some of these points in public forums.

Homosexuality is a choice, homosexuality is the leading cause of mental illness, homosexuality is the leading cause of divorce amongst heterosexuals, homosexuals are the cause of the economic recession and homosexuality is bad for the environment.  We all know this is ridiculous but for some queer reason there are people out there who believe this twaddle.  The same people who believe that conversion therapy really works and is a viable option.  It is time they wake up and be told the truth.  It doesn’t work!  It is stupid!

So Dutch Reformed Church of Moreleta, take your H2O therapy and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.  It will be right at home with all the other shit and convoluted bullshit in your close mined fanatical religious asses!  It is my recommendation that you either keep it safely clenched up in your rectum or flush it down the toilet and not distribute your crap amongst the public, because truth be told – your shit smells.

Till next time.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Crack is wack!

When I got the news that Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel room at the age of 48, I couldn’t say that I was surprised.  We all knew it was just a matter of time.  Whitney had been publically struggling with addiction for the last two decades and watching her life unfold was a little bit like watching a train derail at high speed, but in slow motion: You just knew it was going to end badly.
The news of Whitney Houston’s death reached me via Twitter early on Sunday morning.  She was found dead in the bathtub in her hotel room in Beverly Hills.  Early unconfirmed reports said that she had drowned possibly due to passing out in the bath as a result of a combination of drugs and/or alcohol that she had taken.  Sad as it was, I could not help but recall her infamous 2002 interview with Diane Sawyer, and her words “crack is wack” was stuck in my head.

During the 2002 interview with Diane Sawyer, Whitney uttered "crack is wack" as she admitted to abusing cocaine, marijuana and pills.  She went further and said “Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. Okay? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is wack."  Then seven years later, Whitney Houston tells Oprah Winfrey she was clean and sober and we all wanted to believe her.  Now, just over two years later, we know her sobriety did not last and in the end her addiction killed her.

Many of us have been or will be affected by addiction, in one way or another, either directly or indirectly during the course of our lives.  Addiction does not discriminate; it doesn’t care whether you are rich or poor, famous, beautiful, black or white.  Addiction will strip you of your dignity, your talents, your loved ones and when there’s nothing left –it will kill you.
During my thirty something years on this planet I have encountered my fair share of addicts in both my professional and personal life.  I have watched them give up all that’s near and dear to them for a bottle of whiskey, a few grams of coke, a joint and/or a handful of prescription drugs.  It is sad, it is shocking and at some point you just have to realize that people make their own choices in their lives and if those choices are to destroy them in the end, it is still their choice to make.

Addiction is a cruel mistress.  Some people can experiment with drugs and never become addicted.  Most people I know have experimented with one drug or another at college, have drunk too much or taken ecstasy when raves were still cool.  Most people I know have done this and have not become addicted.  But then there are the others who started off with smoking marijuana and ended up heroin addicts, started off with taking ecstasy and ended up addicted to crystal meth.  It’s difficult to tell who will become addicted, but once they are it is very difficult to get them clean.

One such person is my father.  I have not spoken to or had any contact with him for well over four years.  He is an alcoholic and has been one for the last twenty odd years.  I have very few memories of him ever being a dad to me as alcohol didn’t afford him or I this luxury and quite a few pleasant childhood memories are overshadowed by alcohol related incidents involving fighting, beaten down doors, broken bottles and crashed cars.  During the last 16 years he has been to rehab three times and all three times it was unsuccessful and he has never stopped drinking.  He is an alcoholic who has chosen his addiction over his family multiple times.  He doesn’t believe he has a problem and he doesn’t really want help and one day his addiction will kill him too.
Addicts lie, they lie to other people and they lie to themselves.  After a while they also start believing their lies.  They justify their actions and, more importantly, their addiction by external events always finding an excuse, an explanation or a person to blame for their own substance abuse.  Their addiction becomes their master and everything and anything that stands between them and their next fix, whether it is a loved one or not, becomes disposable.  They become selfish, cruel and unrepentant.

Addicts must be living in their own hell, but it's those around them that suffer the most.  Those who love them, care for them and have to stand witness to a prolonged painful process of self-destruction.  Those who have to witness the person they once knew wither away, change into a total stranger who is slowly killing themselves.  Watch helplessly as they refuse treatment, turn their backs on them and always going back to their addiction until one day it is too late.

Having lived with and been raised by an addict, you could say that I am somewhat biased.  I have seen how it destroys a family, relationships and love.  I have seen how cruel it can be and it has made me a hard person because of it.  I have little sympathy for the addict who doesn’t want to admit they have a problem and when offered help refuses it.
Whitney Houston is dead and it didn’t come as a surprise.  A promising career has been systematically and very publically destroyed by addiction in just over twenty years.  She’s not the first celebrity who has died due to addiction and she will not be the last.  Let her death and those of all the others serve as a stark warning of the dangers of drug addiction.  With her death, let it finally sink in that all of us are equally vulnerably and that in the end addiction kills.  May your soul rest in peace Whitney Houston and I believe I speak for many when I say I wish it ended differently.

Till next time.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

A Valentine's For Homophobes

A valentine’s message to all the homophobes out there who are against Gay Marriage brought to you by the FCK8 campaign.  Help #OccupyValentines for Gay Marriage:

Friday, February 3, 2012

MDNA: Madonna, Give me all your luvin'

The Bitch is Back!  Madonna is releasing her new album MNDA (yes it’s the name for ecstasy but I am sure if you ask her it will mean something different) within the next two month or so, but she did release her first single of the album today.  Check out Give me all your luvin'!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Too Gay for Ugliness!

It is well known and documented that I am generally unpleasant and bitchy when I am not surrounded by beautiful things, running water, air-conditioning and flattering lighting.  Case and point would be that court case (of which we do not speak) that I had to attend in the Johannesburg CBD.  Every day of the week (for months) I dragged my ass there and had to walk across a road that the fire department had to hose down every morning because homeless people would piss and shit on it during the night.  Every day I sat in a courtroom with little to no air-conditioning or flattering lighting, had to buy food for lunch (and sometimes dinner) from places you just knew was infected with all variations of hepatitis, and the only water I could surround myself with was carbonated and bottled.  I wasn’t happy then, and I am not happy now.
Road rage is something I suffer from and my most recent episode caused me to have an epiphany.  You see I was driving back home from work when an old lady cut me off.  She didn’t use her indicator lights before she cut in front of me (which fucking drives me insane) and she was driving way under the speed limit.  When I honked my horn at her she proceeded to stick her wrinkled and liver spot covered hand out of the window and flipped me an arthritis encrusted bird – twice!  She had done exactly the same thing to me three months earlier, as I recognized her deathmobile (a 1974 Toyota) and her geriatric middle finger.  So I did what any normal person would do - I contemplated killing her!

For a brief moment I considered where exactly I would have to bump her car in order for her to veer violently into oncoming traffic.  I knew it would have to look like an accident or else my insurance would not pay and I am far too pretty for prison and didn’t want to be charged and convicted of vehicular manslaughter.  As I was considering my evil plot of revenge and murder by car, I looked around me.  I was surrounded by hawkers, beggars, dirt, broken paving, weeds, trash and dust.  I was in the middle of Uglyville.  Then I realized, maybe the old lady wasn’t the real cause of my anger, it actualy was the hideous road.

For just under three years I have been driving the same stretch of road to work.  It is ugly, straight and there is nothing inspiring or aesthetically pleasing about it.  Sure some days there are people collecting money at the traffic lights for whatever cause or charity they represent while dressed in costumes.  Some days it is delightful and other days it is not.  Just this morning I drove past a bunch of students collecting money for their college.  The one guy was either dressed as a zucchini or a squid; I couldn’t tell which it was because the costume was that badly made.  I sometimes give them money, if they are cute, and on such a day the road seems less dreadful.
Then there are those days when straight guys insist on publically embarrassing their soon to be married mates and I do like watching heterosexuals making fools of themselves in public.  Last week I drove past one such spectacle.  The guy was dressed in nothing but a diaper and a cowboy hat begging for cash at a traffic light.  He was build like a Greek God.  I did slow down and gave him a donation because I wanted to see his biceps up close and express my sympathy and regret over his lifestyle choice.  He would have received a bigger donation had it not been for the diaper and the fact that he wasn’t gay, but I digress…

Any self respecting homosexual will tell you there is nothing more unsightly than an unkempt bush and on my stretch of road there are plenty.  My city seems to have an aversion to pulling out weeds, trimming bushes and general beautification.  So my road remains ugly and it ruins my day daily!  Would it destroy the national budget to plant a few trees, a flower or two or God forbid just clean up a bit?  Would it kill my city council to even consider lifting up their fat asses from their comfy chairs, for which I as a tax payer pay for, and put forth an effort to make my city attractive?  I ask these questions daily while breathing in dust and dodging hawkers, taxis and old women drivers.

Sure, I know the economy is in the shitter and the price of crude oil is having her period, but this is all the more reason to make an effort to gayify our environment.  I don’t deserve to be depressed by my commute to work and back, and neither does my fellow road users.  The only reason I get road rage is because I drive to work surrounded by hideousness.  It is my God given gay right to have my stretch of road beautified!  So this is what I am going to do.
First thing tomorrow morning I am calling up my Mayor’s office and demanding they fix this madness.  I don’t care if they have bigger problems at hand like municipal strikes, pot holes, prostitution and drug dealers.  Even whores and drug dealers deserve a pretty work environment and most people in my city drive 4X4 vehicles and recycle anyway.  If they get pissed off at my demands my response will be simple.  I will merely ask them “How was your drive to work this morning?” and I will ask them this every day until they get a restraining order.

How long it will take for my hideous piece of road to get its facelift, I do not know.  But I will be driving to work from now on with seeds in my car; seeds for flowers that I will be throwing out of my car’s window ever couple of feet.  It’s not littering if it’s natural and the world could do with more daisies, poppies and sunflowers!  Hopefully my small concerted effort will shoot sprouts, the flowers will grow and bloom into something spectacular.  One day my commute to work and back will bring a little smile to my face and perhaps to others too.

Till next time.

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