Preacher Man

Gaellou Greenwood is an brilliant up-and-coming singer and songwriter.  She wrote the song "Preacher Man" out of frustration by being a Lesbian and a Christian.  In some Churches the two are mutually exclusive. I am sure many of our LGBTI Christian brothers and sisters can relate.  You can listen to the song below by clicking on the link.

Preacher Man

You can listen to more of Gaellou Greenwood's songs HERE

Or like her band page HERE

Famous Gays in History

Some people believe the world would be a better place without gay people.  But can you imagine the world without the most famous gay people in history.  It doesn't matter with whom you sleep - It matters what you DO!

Am I a Stepford Fag?

With my thirty something birthday coming up (a queer never reveals his true age after 30) in just over a month I took some time to sit back and reflect on my life. After all I am now closer to forty than I am to twenty.  And isn't it strange how different we view life while you are in your twenties than how you view life when you are in your thirties? As I measured how my life has changed since I was 20 and how different it is now than what I expected, I came to ask myself a shocking question – Have I become a Stepford Fag?

Stepford Fags are described in the urban dictionary as “a gay couple who are nice, sexless and nonthreatening. Typically they live in the suburbs, have an immaculate house and yard and don't scare the neighbors while they are in fact just as much a slave to heterosexual establishment as everyone else.”

While in my twenties I could have been described as a social butterfly. Most nights I partied the night away and knew all the regulars at all the night clubs by name. As my long suffering husband and I started dating (shortly before my 21st birthday) all the club celebs came to know us as a couple rather than individuals. It was bound to happens that way as my husband and I share the same name.  We became friends with the elite gay socialites, at the time, and became regular fixtures at all the popular LGBT events.  In between my busy social schedule I managed to finish my studies and started working. However, during this time my social life gained priority and my studies and worked was seen only as a time filler until the next party.

I went to class and later to work with very little sleep, sometimes a hangover and the odd glittery souvenir of the previous night’s party stuck in my hair. On one occasion I showed up for work minus one eyebrow because at the previous night’s strip show at the club the flame throwing stripper scorched it off. My husband and I also thought it funny to wear matching outfits to clubs, which in retrospect was silly not only because it’s such a cliché thing to do but I mean really wasn’t it bad enough that we share the same name? As the years passed our regular feature on the nightclub circuit became less frequent as work demands and responsibility increased and we reduced our social excursions to weekends.

Being young, wild, attractive and popular I didn’t give much thought to the future – being that age I thought I would stay young, pretty and thin forever. Never once did I consider getting married as I was of the firm belief that it was something straight people did to make it more difficult for them to split up. Being in a happy and committed relationship and having moved in together I was quite content with the way things were. We didn’t need a contract so ensure our relationship would last! Apart from marriage the house with the white picket fence, dogs, cats and children was as frightening to me as a cheesecake to an anorexic. I was happy, thin, in a relationship with the man I loved and surrounded with glitter balls, strobe lights, music, drag queens and hot young guys. What more does a young gay man want?

During my late twenties my metabolism decided it would skip a few years ahead and slowed down. As the pounds started packing on and my infamous leather pants and tight, skimpy shirts started to take strain to the point of me no longer being able to squeeze into them, it was time for them to be retired. The late nights at clubs over the weekends also showed signs of taking its toll and became less frequent. Before I knew it my social butterfly days were numbered as my priorities had shifted just like my weight.

The process was so gradual one and it happened without any distinct detection. What seemed important and satisfactory to me a few years ago no longer had the same appeal. More time was spent focusing on my career. Night clubs was replaced with dinner parties and movies with friends and quiet evenings at home. However, we still go clubbing when we have the time. My relationship had evolved to a more mature level and friendships deepened beyond superficiality and hedonistic interests.When gay marriage was legalized my husband and I didn’t give it a second thought and tied the knot literally a few weeks later. My twenty something view of marriage was replaced: I now had a more mature view and understood that marriage was more than just a contract that would cost you half of everything you owned if you want to get out of it. The house with the white picket fence now also drew my attention and became a reality. The twenty year old finally grew up. I transformed from a club hopping shooter downing socialite to a career driven married man. Does this now mean I become a Stepford Fag? As per the definition I would have to say Yes and No. Yes, we are a nice couple, live in the suburbs, have an immaculate home and yard and we don’t scare the neighbors (on purpose that is). However, we most certainly aren’t sexless (of that we have quite enough) and are not slaves to heterosexual establishment nor do we want to imitate it. We are who we are; some people might still find this threatening and not approve but I say the hell with them. So if I am considered a Stepford Fag, I am very proud to be one and highly recommend it. All fairies have to grow up some time!

Till next time.

Beware the Sodomites want to recruit you!

Once again my jaw dropped in disbelieve when a friend forwarded me a link to the ranting of a radical Church. The ranting is by Steven Anderson from the Faithful Word Baptist Church. He is convinced that the sodomites (homosexuals) are taking over the world, spreading our disease of sin and want to recruit you. The only way to stop us, he says, is to kill us. This led me to wonder, is this true? Are we really taking over the world? Are we really hell bent on recruiting as many as we can to join our revolution of depravity?

Steven raises an interesting point by saying that we are multiplying. “There’s more than there were last year and the year before, and the year before that”. This is absolutely true as I can’t dispute this. He also raised the point of us reproducing and entertained with a brief biology lesson. Yes, two men and two women can’t reproduce through gay sex (and believe me we try) but can you say “Artificial Insemination”? Unfortunately, for us radical sodomites having a baby doesn’t guarantee us producing another sodomite. Statistically speaking chances are better that we would produce a straight (non-sodomite) child – oh the repulsion of even entertaining such a thought! So how are we multiplying? The answer is simple according to Steven - we recruit! Sodomites are diligent “recruiters and not reproducers”. We are preying on your children, unsuspecting and unescorted teenagers and defenceless adults. Yes, we seek out the weak and then swoop on them with our Rainbow Flags, KY, Dildos and other queer paraphernalia then “rape, molest and violate” them until they join our squadron. There even is a Gay Manual printed at Sodomite Head Quarters in Amsterdam with detailed instructions, however the illustrated version is only distributed from Sydney and costs a tad more. The process is quite straightforward and relatively painless for those who are not into sadomasochism. All sodomites know that if you need a refresher course, because you have not been meeting your recruitment quota for the month, you will have the manual couriered to you within 24 hours anywhere in the world accompanied with a tongue lashing, head bobbing, finger waving and a hefty fine from the International Institution of Sodomites.
We sodomites are also an ambitious bunch, recruiting is not enough for us because we don’t want to just spread our “disease of sin” we want to dominate and take over the world! We are constantly searching for positions of power especially in the governments of world. Having already infiltrated the United States, United Kingdom, Germany, South Africa, Australia, Netherlands, Switzerland, France, Italy and many more we are at the verge of a full-on hostile coup d'état. We even have undercover sodomites in the Vatican! We are also branching out with our latest Infidel Office that opened up in Iraq just this past week and more to come.

We already control large portions of the world’s economy such as the Fashion Industry and are covertly taking control of other industries as well. Soon not a single non-sodomite will be safe! Just think about what we have achieved already. We are already in your homes (we decorated it, designed the clothes that you wear, your furniture, write the scripts of the shows you watch and even tell you how to prepare your food and do your hair). Our devious plan is well on its way and you are slowly being conditioned for that day the faggots, queers, trannies and dykes will be coming for you!
So how are us sodomites able to do this? Better yet, why are we getting away with it? Again Steven hits the nail on its head with the correct answer – “Queers have no natural predators!” Like the lions in the wild we have very few competitors to fear as we are at the top of the proverbial food/sex chain. We have a superior brain, are more evolved, impeccable fashion sense and generally have a greater disposable income enabling us to fund our global operations to dominate the world. Our creativity and flamboyance combined with our sensitive nature also is another key element as this is how we lure away your women and transform them into our slaves (fag hags). Whatever your wife or girlfriend can’t discuss with you (like your erectile dysfunction) she is happy to share with us. We are the ones that introduced them to vibrators and the phrase “honey not tonight I have a headache” – all of this to curb your reproduction rate. We are such geniuses we have even destroyed the sanctity of marriage as we too can now get married in several countries. First we took over the wedding industry with our wedding planners, caterers, fashion designers and decorators and now we have taken ownership of marriage away from you as well. You know gay adoption is also on the rise so gay married couples are now also taking your children too.
Lastly, you may argue that we need non-sodomites as the stereotypical sodomite is quite timid and lack brute strength because with a superior brain muscle power has become absolute. The truth is we really don’t need non-sodomites, this is why we have the stereotypical dykes: They can build things, win bar fights are good with knifes, beer bottles and fixing things like cars or leaking pipes. We also don’t need non-sodomites because we can procreate with the help of technology. Steven, I think, realized how redundant non-sodomites have become in society and is becoming terrified. If you listen to how hysterical he becomes during the last portion of his sermon one would think a sodomite has already baptised him up the ass. Steven is correct to be petrified because we are doing all these things - we are multiplying, recruiting and taking over the world! Soon all non-sodomites will be replaced with the superior human race that is the Sodomites!!!
Whoever is crazy enough to believe all of this really should look up Steven Anderson and give him a copy of this article, I am sure this would feed his festering hatred for homosexuals. Steven lives in a fantasy world where fairies have become demons and the leader in the battle between “Good” and “Evil” is led by a blind man who can’t distinguish between the two. I guess the world needs this type of insanity to balance out the bigger scheme of things, I just hope I never cross his path as I have quite a bit I’d like to say and do to crazy Anderson.

(To listen to this crazy man go to http://www.rightwingwatch.org/god-commands-you-kill-gays.html?q=content/god-commands-you-kill-gays)

Till next time!

NAUGHTY GAY CRUISE ADVERT

Gays to Blame for Hurricanes and Earthquakes?

In light of Hurricane Sandy hitting the East Coast of the United States this week and some fucktard called John McaTernan (right wing pastor of Defend and Proclaim the Faith Ministries), who blames Sandy on the LGBT community and President Obama for supporting gay marriage.  I could not help but recall this blog post that I wrote last year.  Yes, this is not the first time the queers are being blamed for natural disasters occurring and if you believe these religious nut jobs, you should be very scared of the gays because we can bring shit down.

“Gayness” has been blamed for the East Coast tremors in the United States of America this week. Yes, you heard me right! Apparently the influence and extraordinary power of the queers has yet again made the earth move and this time it wasn’t only limited to our bedrooms. Pat Robertson (the crazy televangelist) pinned the blame, in part, on us gays for the 5.8 magnitude earthquake that rattled the East coast. According to him it wasn’t even the gays per se (darnit) , but rather behavior that Robertson labelled “gay-like” that pissed off the almighty and prompted him to smote Americans. As I sigh and roll my eyes, I can only ask the obvious – Really Pat Robertson, Really?

According to Robertson “All across the Eastern seaboard, there are men who get manicures, wear designer eyewear and know about thread counts and God finds this gay-like behavior confusing, and He responded by getting mildly peeved”. Pat did God Skype or Facebook you or something, how do you know this? Surely the CEO of like the whole Universe and such has better things to worry about other than meterosexual men and their God Damn manicures (hmmm... does God really damn manicures?). Secondly, Pat are you a selfish son of a bitch who don’t want people to have nice things? How is getting a manicure, designer eye wear and good linen with a high thread count immoral behavior  It’s called having good taste and good personal grooming something, from the looks of it, you have very little off.

Queerly, Pat went further to warn that people should not get too upset about the earthquake and said “God looks at people who get their panties in a twist after a little shaking, and He says to Himself, ‘Wow, that’s really kind of gay’”. Well, I must concur with God on this one: the twisting of one’s panties and the right kind of shaking is indeed a little gay, especially if done with the right amount of KY and with sufficient thrust. But, then again, I am not sure whether God would be into watching that kind of thing, but maybe you are Pat, you do look like a kinky kind of guy. It’s always the folks who protest too much against homosexuality who are caught paying for male hookers or found blowing guys in public restrooms.

According to Pat the gays can not only cause earthquakes we can also influence the weather. Who knew? I wish someone told me that when the last cold front rolled in. Pat said “If you keep on getting pedicures and facials, you can expect two to three inches of rain and some really hot humid days in your future”. Now let me get this straight. Manicures, sunglasses and knowledge of thread counts causes earthquakes and pedicures and facials causes rain and humidity. Isn’t it amazing how personal grooming, fashion and tasteful decor can be so frightfully immoral and dangerous? We must be teetering on the edge of a very precarious slope. I am shivering in fear hiding behind my Prada sunglasses and surely will have nightmares tonight under my Egyptian Cotton Sheets (thread count 1500 FYI).

I don’t know about you but I am getting rather tired of crazy fundamentalist religious freaks making sweeping statements in public forums. Statements that is fantastical, unfounded, bizarre and insulting to the intelligence of the people who are unfortunate enough to have to listen to them. Robertson falls into the same category as, amongst others, the folks from the God Hates Fags fraternity - the “Let’s scare the shit out of people with our Bullshit and get their money!” category. Shirley Phelps Roper, who periodically sends me tweets on Twitter that does not make any sense, and Pat Robertson could be family as they seem to be peas from the same crazy ass train pod. I am not entirely convinced that their parents didn’t actually fuck each other at some point, but if they did this is the result we are being chastised with.

Blaming natural disasters on the gays is not a new thing. Before it became fashionable to blame the queers by fundamentalist freaks, Communism was the flavor of the month. So I guess the Gays have become the new Communists. The blame game is an age old tradition and has been successfully wielded by many groups, feeding of the fears of society for their own selfish gains. The gain, most times, being to get their greedy little paws on other people’s cash. If you scare enough gullible people (and there are plenty out there) into believing a group or aspect of society is a genuine threat to their way of life and offer them a false sense of security, it is easy to get them to part with their money. And in this day and age it has become easier than ever and it’s rubbing my tits the wrong way!

So, Pat Robertson are you really as stupid as you sound? I guess that is the real question to be asked here. The men who are getting those manicures, pedicures and buying the designer eye wear and to whom thread counts matter in all probability are not stupid enough to be dissuaded by your mindless rants. Mind you, neither is the greater world population either. If I were you, I’d be more worried about what God thinks of your utterances and the words you put in His mouth. I am convinced that He is not at all amused by you making Him sound like a blabbering idiot, and He must be appalled by the state of your cuticles! I am so scheduling a facial and pedicure for next week, we can do with some rain...

Till next time.

Not the actual video (couldn't find it on YouTube), but this gives you a good idea of the freak show that is Pat Robertson.

Nothing Can Tear Us Apart - Uncensored

Wyatt O’Brian Evans is an author, journalist, entertainer, and entrepreneur residing in metro Washington, in the States.  As a journalist, his work has been featured in print and on-line publications including the Washington Post, American Politics, Imperious Entertainment, QBliss, and Bilerico.com.  His new novel, “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—Uncensored” (gay/ethnic/erotica), is scheduled for release on July 27, 2012.  You can visit Wyatt's website by clicking HERE.

     What would you do after the man of your dreams battered you because he believed you’d been unfaithful?  Then, how would you cope with the revelation that someone’s vicious treachery was behind your partner’s despicable actions?  Could you forgive this man to whom you’ve given every piece of your heart?

     Such dilemmas occur in Nothing Can Tear Us Apart--Uncensored.  It’s the present time in metropolitan Washington, and desirable, wealthy gay Black celebrity Wesley (Wes) Laurence Kelly, 44, yearns for an enduring, satisfying love.  Unfortunately, disastrous relationships have left him shattered and disillusioned.

     Enter Antonio (‘Tonio) Miguel Rios, Jr., 30, a deliciously muscular gay Puerto Rican whom Wes has hired as his bodyguard.  He, too, has failed at love.

     Then, without warning, that magical, irrefutable, irresistible force known as chemistry totally engulfs the pair.  And after finding they have much in common, Wes and ‘Tonio forge a strong bond.  However, they’re too afraid to act on the growing romantic feelings and sexual urges they have for each other.
    But after a violent store holdup throws Wes’s life on the line, the connection strengthens, intensifies.   Their ardent, pent-up desire for each other rages like a four-alarm inferno, threatening to utterly consume them. 

     Soon, Wes and ‘Tonio break down and profess their love for one another.  They celebrate in steamy, hot and heavy lovemaking, which sweeps them away.

     However, tough challenges and obstacles jeopardize their relationship.  And then there’s a certain someone who has a score to settle with the celeb.  He or she (Or, is it she or he?) sets up Wes to make it appear that he’s been cheating. 

     Taking the bait, the frenzied bodyguard physically brutalizes his partner!  The final blow is when the couple learns just who was behind the deception.

     Can and does Wes forgive ‘Tonio?   

     Will the couple still be able to vow, Nothing Can Tear Us Apart?”

   

I designed “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—Uncensored” to be fresh, hip, and unique, with rich drama; but more importantly, to explore relevant issues and themes that resonate with a universal audience.  Domestic violence/abuse is one such issue.

And, I decided to tell the story of two openly gay, masculine, accomplished, upwardly mobile men of color who fall deeply in love and eventually find themselves in this situation.  I wanted to demonstrate that anyone can become a victim—regardless of race,  gender, size, income, etc.

New research suggests that more LGBTQI persons are living in fear of an abusive partner than previously thought.  Each year in the U.S., between 50,000-100,000 lesbians (or more) and as many as 500,000 (or more) gay men are battered, and about one in four LGBTQI relationships/partnerships are abusive in some way.  This fall, I embark on a national Domestic Violence Seminar/Boor Tour.

The following is an excerpt from “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart—Uncensored.”   At this point, the couple is in a committed relationship.  After Thanksgiving dinner with ‘Tonio’s family, ‘Tonio ushers Wes upstairs to his boyhood bedroom.

     The lock to the door went clickety-click, click…click!

     Oh, shit. 

     That made me tingle through and through, waiting for him to make his move.

     And without warning, ‘Tonio did just that! 

    "Gimme all dat phat chocolate culo --right NOW!" 

    ‘Tonio wasn't asking or negotiating.  He was commanding, demanding!  Taking my ass was a foregone conclusion. 

     Next, he clutched my firm, round culo, holding on to it for dear life.

     Then, I felt his hot breath blowing against my ear, and his goatee brushing against my neck.  All the while, his moist, hot, slick lips kissed my neck.  That made me freakin’ jerk!  And finally, his warm, slippery tongue found its home in my left ear.

     I was in freakin’ sexual overload!

     "Oh, Gawd, Papa!  Papa, we can't do this here...Papa, shouldn't we wait...?"

     "Want me ta stop, Wes-lee?  Is dat what’cha really want, papito?”

     "Of course not, Pa!  I want you anytime, anywhere!  Just take me, Pa!  Right here.  Right NOW!"

     “Well den, like I said:  gimme all yo’ phat chocolate culo!"   And with that, he skillfully unbuttoned my jeans, swiftly yanking them

D-O-W-N!  Then, ‘Tonio positioned me against the wall.

     Quickly, he slid his thick index finger straight up my bootyliciousbutthole.  

     He got an intriguing surprise!

     "What da fuck?  Hey, you're already lubed up?"  Smiling, he asked, " 'Sup?"

     "Yeah, Papa," I smiled back, looking at him.  "I had a notion you wanted some."

     Then, his fingers went in and out…and then in and UP my willing, receptive, thoroughly juiced-up bootyhole!  And, the exhilaration was causing me to produce my own natural lubricant.

     Those probing sensations made my body jerk!  It became taut, rigid.  He was approaching my prostate, and I felt ready to holla at any point. 

     'Tonio had secured me up against the wall.  As he finger-fucked me with one hand, the digits of his other beefy, moist mitt tweaked my nips.  Ahhhhhhh, yessssssssss!  And with his tongue deep in my mouth, I was totally lost in red-hot emotion and sexual abandon.

     "Gotta have ya right now, baybee!"

     " I'm yours, ‘Tonio.  Fuckin’ take me!"

     Without another word, he fitted an extra large black condom over his rockhard, throbbing, long, wide, phat tool.  In a few seconds, I felt Papa's bulbous, meaty head graze, and then stretch my bootyhole wide O-P-E-N!  And next, with a small push, he’d entered, gliding deep all up inside me. 

     I trembled!   My eyes bulged!  At first, there was that oh-so familiar “stang”: then that glowing, burning sensation--which is a swirl of just the precise amount of pain…and pleasure. 

     "Are ya okay, baybee?"

     I could barely moan, "Everythang's aight, sweetheart."   My voice became guttural, lower than low, laced with heat, lust and passion.

     And then, with one straight, solid, fluid thrust, ‘Tonio pumped the rest of his caramel papadick all the way in and up my bootyhole!  Goddamn!  I was completely, absolutely, totally filled up.  YOWZA!

     Now, Papa went about doin' his work!  He had his humungous muscled legs supporting my slightly bent over body.  As well, he'd wrapped his bulging left arm tightly around my waist, and had his massive right arm and palm pressed into the wall for leverage.

     His stroking became “powerpumping” and then evolved—no, morphed--into POUNDING!   Lickety-split, I assisted by bucking back and forth against his torso, my azzmuscles dragging that caramel papadick further and deeper into me.  That drove him mad-crazy! 

     And shyit!  I was in stone-cold, red-hot delirium.

     "Baybee, you belong ta me...only me!  Dont'cha evah forgit dat!" ‘Tonio grunted and groaned, sweat pouring down his face.

     "I do...and I won't, Papa."   Fuck!  I was in a sex-crazed haze, with no choice but to defer, to agree unequivocally.  After all, I was deliriously in love with this man!

     "Oh shyit, baybee--I gotta cum!"

     "Do it, big man!  You deserve it!" 

     Quickly, he pulled out.  "Oh, Gawdddddddd,” he quietly groaned.  (Y'all can figure out why we had to keep the volume down.  Fo’ real! Smile.)  Thick ropes of cum splattered all ovah my sweaty, quivering azz.   

     Afterwards, I slapped his musclebutt.  “I'm gittin' mine tonite." 

     Totally spent, ’Tonio panted, "No doubt, baybee.  No doubt."

You can Purchase "Nothing Can Tear US Apart - Uncensored" on Amazon by clicking HERE.

It Doesn’t Get Better for Homophobes.

The pro-gay equality group FCKH8 wants homophobes to know that hating gay people will not enrich their lives.  This new in-your-face video comes courtesy of FCKH8’s Tyler Oakley.  Watch , enjoy, SHARE with your friends, TWEET and LIKE on Facebook.  Also support this worthy cause by clicking HERE.

What Straight Folks Should Know

Believe it or not, but I deal with a lot of heterosexual people on a daily basis.  Call it an occupational hazard if you will.  You see, I am not lucky enough to work in a queer dominated environment and some days are harder than others for this lone homosexual.  But I somehow always seem to make it through the day, most times, only partially unscathed.  So in an effort to make our coexistence with our straight folk more amiable, this Feigele decided to come up with a few handy hints for heterosexuals when meeting and/or interacting with queer folk.

The average heterosexual who has never interacted with or met a homosexual could display behavior very similar to that of a cat when introduced to another feline for the very first time.  The heterosexual could feel anxious, threatened and could even display territorial behavior.  This is normal.  When faced with this situation it is important to fight the urge to run screaming from the room.  This is rude and will only agitate the homosexual.  It’s better to rather just back away facing the homosexual and to do so slowly and with discretion.

Not all heterosexuals feel the urge to flee at the sight of homosexuals as some find us quite intriguing.  Unfortunately these are also usually the same individuals who are inherently narcissistic.  These are the type of people who believe that everything with a pulse is sexually attracted to them.  When it comes to homosexuals do not assume that all homosexuals are attracted to you or want to get into your pants.

The typical homosexual has very specific and high standards and chances are good that you don’t meet or even come close to them.  On the flip side, also do not assume that the homosexual is not attracted to you.  Sure this sounds confusing, and it really is, but homosexuals are notoriously fickle and changing our minds on a whim is our thing.  Besides if the homosexual is horny standards tend to go by the waste side anyway.  So to be on the safe side all heterosexuals should always carry with them some KY and condoms.

One of the most common mistakes the average heterosexual make is to assume that the homosexual is as excited about meeting a “heterosexual” as you are to meet an actual gay person.  We are not!  Most of us were raised by heterosexuals and are /or have been in psychotherapy as a result of this.  Besides before artificial insemination where the hell do you think we came from?  The planet Homo?

When meeting your very first homosexual try to contain your excitement, speak softly and in a low voice and if at all possible try and make as little direct eye contact as possible.  Physical contact and sudden movements should also be avoided and as soon as the homosexual looks bored it is your signal to leave.  When departing it is again important that you slowly and discreetly back away facing the homosexual and also make sure that all reflective surfaces and shiny jewelry on your person is concealed.

One thing guaranteed to annoy the homosexual is when a heterosexual, upon meeting the homosexual, immediately start talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife as to make it clear that they are straight.  If you feel so strongly about your heterosexuality and that the world should know that you are straight why don’t you just carry a sign around your neck?

In such situations don’t be shocked if the homosexual start making a high pitched yodeling sound.  This is the homosexual’s gaydar being activated to verify your heterosexuality.  Homosexuals are trying to phase out brokeback marriages and any straight person so adamant about flaunting their sexual orientation will draw suspicion and warrant closer inspection.  This could see your name ending up on our recruitment list.  Good for us, not so good for you.

The average heterosexual when meeting a gay person for the first time understandably may have many questions.  But before you ask any question first ask yourself this “Would it not be better to rather Google it?”  After all you would not want to embarrass yourself by asking stupid questions like “How did you get gay?  So who’s the man and who’s the woman?  When did you choose to be gay?”

You will immediately know when you have asked a stupid question because the homosexual will roll his eyes, lift up his hand, swing in with a head bob and berate you for half an hour.  It will feel a bit like you are being psychologically mauled by a wild animal and being told off by an intelligent crack whore.  Either way, it won’t be fun, you will be guaranteed not to make the same mistake twice and in some instance you may also require a tetanus shot or two.

Another common assumption the average heterosexual make is that all homosexuals are dying to talk about being gay.  It’s not like all queers have received formal Public Relations training from Queer HQ and it is their jobs to promote our fabulous lifestyle.  That’s why we have television, the internet and propaganda.

But also don’t assume or expect the homosexual not to talk about being gay.  You may have just run into one of the queers that have received PR training from Queer HQ.  In such an instance your attempts to change the topic of conversation will be interpreted as a sign of hostility and as a result you will be placed onto our Watch List.  And believe you me, you do NOT want to be on our Watch List!

The last tip for the average heterosexual when meeting a homosexual for the first time is to not trivialize our experience by assuming it is just about sex.  We are gay 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and we take our homosexuality very seriously.  If you trivialize our experience we will make you feel like you are hung like a Tic Tac and will in all probability end up calling you a Breeder or worse.  If the homosexual in that situation also has not had sex in while you could possibly be on the receiving end of physical violence or at the very least – a bitch slap!

If you are straight and read this whole article up to here, you have taken your first step to becoming a better heterosexual.  You should immediately go stand in front of the mirror and say that you are proud of yourself.  Then go out in public and hug the first homosexual you see and give some cash to PFLAG.

It’s not difficult getting along with us queers as long as you stick to these handy hints and guidelines.  If more straight folks do, the world would be a gayer place and who knows, maybe one day when we succeed in our devious plan for world domination we may even re-consider our position on heterosexuals and slavery.  Remember the homosexual may forgive but the homosexual never forgets so it is best not to piss us off.

Till next time.

Russia: Don’t Go There.

Lawmakers in Russia just passed a draconian censorship law that would impose stiff fines for anything construed as "the promotion of homosexuality" in Saint Petersburg, Russia's second largest city. Reading, writing, speaking or reporting on anything related to gay, lesbian bi or trans (LGBT) people would become a criminal act. This ban on "promotion" would also target Pride parades, literature, theater, or NGOs that openly serve LGBT people.  All Out, a community of almost a million people around the world fighting for full equality, made a little video to send the Governor a message. Pass this law - We Won't Go There.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

"Baby, It's Cold Outside" gets a gay makeover by Mister Chase and Chris Salvatore.  You can download the song from Itunes or Amazon.  All proceeds will go to organizations to help our youth in need. Programs such as Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention, as well as furthering equal rights for the LGBT community.

Dickmatized

Dickmatized is another sexy  music video from our favorite Gay Pimp Jonny McGovern.  The song is from Jonny’s upcoming CD “They Gayest of All Times”.  To buy the song on itunes click HERE.

The Gay Plague

1981 saw the emergence of a disease that would change the gay community and later the world’s attitude towards our sexual behavior, lifestyle and prejudices. It was 1st described as the Gay Plague; a disease that only affected gay men and was 1st called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency). During the 80’s the word GRID was replaced with AIDS and this filled people with a horrendous fear as images of dying emaciated gay men were plastered in the media.

During this time it was uncertain how the disease was transmitted and it was viewed as a death sentence and was highly stigmatized. Having the Gay Plague was shameful and society alienated those infected due to fear and ignorance. Now, 30 years later, I wonder how much have changed?

My 1st encounter with HIV and AIDS was with a friend of mine in 1996. He was diagnosed with HIV 8 years prior and during the winter of 1996 he fell ill and died of AIDS related complications. All his friends knew of his HIV status that’s why we found it shocking that his family at his funeral told people he had died of Cancer. Even after his death his illness was denied. The shame of having a gay son was soon superseded by having a gay son with HIV that died of the disease.

His family never approved of his lifestyle and had always blamed his homosexuality for his death when, as a matter of fact, he contracted the illness through a blood transfusion after a car accident. His family have still not forgiven the gay community for what we evidently had done to their son; his death instead of enlightening his family to the plight of people with HIV has made them homophobic and left them angry. Whether their prejudice and anger has dissipated since is uncertain.

One of my best friends of 12 years was diagnosed with HIV 8 years ago. I remember the day he told me.  He had just learned of his diagnoses the week before and was still reeling from shock. I remember him finding it difficult to muster the courage to utter the words. In his eyes I could see his fear, sadness and helplessness as he faced an uncertain future. All he longed for from me was an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and someone to provide him with encouragement and support and not to be judgmental.

Isn’t that what we all would want? He admitted that he contracted HIV due to having unprotected sex. I remember thinking to myself that he should have known better, and now due to one stupid incident he’s going to live with a sword hanging over his head for the rest of his life. Naturally, I kept my thoughts to myself; after all it happened and he’s HIV+ now and there is no use crying over spilled milk.

The 1st year following his diagnoses he found it incredibly difficult to accept. Due to denial and anger he spent the year engaging in self-destructive behavior – abusing alcohol and drugs. I recall having a conversation with him trying to convince him to get his life back on track but he refused as he was of the attitude that he’s going to die anyway so why prolong the process. He also mentioned that he intended to commit suicide once he got full blown AIDS as he wouldn’t want his friends and family to watch him suffer.  He was not scared of dying but feared the process of dying! At the time his threat of suicide was no idle one.

His family did not make things easier.  In fact, due to ignorance, they made things worse. They would have separate cutlery for him in the house and his laundry was kept separate from theirs - he was truly being treated like he had the plague. I am sure his family didn’t do this because they didn’t love him; they were scared as they didn’t quite know how to deal with and support their child and brother with HIV.

Gradually, as time passed, his family became more educated and their attitude and ignorant behavior changed. Family life almost returned to normal: 2 years after being diagnosed he was still alive and no family member got infected by sharing a glass with him or having their laundry done with his. However, his self-destructive behavior continued until he fell seriously ill.

For the 1st time he faced the real possibility of death. The experience changed him and the realization came that if he does not accept and deal with the fact that he’s HIV+ and take responsibility for his own live and health he would not live past the age of 30. He had a fundamental paradigm shift as only a near death encounter can achieve. For the last 5 years he has lived a normal, healthy and productive life. He has even had a couple of relationships, which is notoriously difficult as very few healthy gay men would be willing to date someone with HIV. However, he did find someone and they were together for almost 2 years. Like most things in life it has not been smooth sailing and a few health scares has rocked the boat. What I have learned from him is that your attitude, shear will and optimism plays an important part of living with HIV – it’s no longer is a death sentence as was first thought 30 years ago.

Being only 4 years old when the Gay Plague surfaced I literally grew up with it. Now,  34 I have seen how society and their attitudes have changed. HIV is no longer an exclusively gay disease and all spheres of society from all corners of the world are affected. There are very few people whose lives have not been touched by the disease as most of us know someone or know off someone who has HIV.

As we have learned more about the disease, how it’s transmitted and newer and more effective treatments are developed HIV+ people are living longer and their quality of life have also improved. However, in many communities HIV is still stigmatized and ignorance about the disease is still rampant. With all we know and have learned about HIV there are still people that engage in unprotected sex and people who refuse to get tested out of fear. After 30 years much have improved but many problems still remain that only our generation can change if we want to leave the world better place for the next generation.

One way to support this cause is to get involved. I recently discovered a very inspiring website called Positive Heroes . There are similar groups and websites across the globe; they say it only take one person to make a difference – let that 1 person be you!  Know your status and get tested today.

Till next time.

Waking Up Screaming!

 If you like horror movies and you are a smoker who wants to quit smoking, then the pill I am on may be just the thing for you. You see, one of the side effects of taking Champix is vivid nightmares. Not the kind of nightmares where you wake up the next morning thinking “Oh dear, that dream was a tad weird”. No, it is the kind of nightmares where your body is covered with goosebumps, you’re out of breath and your voice is horse from screaming! It is messed up. It is frightening. And it is consistent. Yes, on Champix, every night is horror movie night, and every night you are the star of your very own fright night.

Since I was a child spirits have been around me. Growing up with two grandmothers who were psychic, to various degrees, the concept of spirits and the afterlife have always been part of my reality. I have never feared the dead and up until this night I never had a reason to either. It was a normal evening, by any account. The house was quiet and us, the living occupants, ominously serene and docile. Outside the howling wind was gently swaying trees into a curiously choreographed ballet with the gentle rumbling of thunder announcing the imminence of a summer evening storm.

For no specific reason or purpose hubby suggest I make contact with the afterlife. His suggestion seemed perfectly normal and I felt compelled to comply. In a trance like state I placed my right hand on the table and started moving it around in a circle. With each completed rotation hubby and all things familiar around the table started to disappear like mist being evaporated by the sun. The lighting dimmed and as hubby disappeared the house went silent, I closed my eyes and alone I waited. Then it happened.

In mid rotation my hand was crabbed, pushed down on the table and rather ungraciously dragged across it. In shock I opened my eyes and with shallow fast breaths I could see the distinct impression of five finger marks pressing on my skin as the grip on my hand tightened. Frightened, I tried to pull my hand free from its supernatural grip. My action agitated whatever it was that held on to my hand, it tightened its grip and I could sense it was not going to let me go. I let out a ghastly scream, I was terrified! Seconds felt like hours and all I could hear was the sound of my heart racing in my ears. Minutes passes and just as I thought it was over, it got worse.

One hand grabbing me became two, two became four, four became six. They were pulling on my hand, then grabbing my wrist and then my arm. I could not jerk free. I had no more breath left to scream. I was being pulled across the table, they were hurting me. Then abruptly, everything went black and quiet. The pressure of the hands on my arm was released. I was lying on a cold cement floor; I could hear water dripping, hear whispers and the air was permeated with the smell of death. Slowly I pulled myself off the floor and as I was standing up there they were.

A group of emaciated gay young men, with sunken eyes and nothing but skeletons covered in skin they stared at me. Their eyes filled with fear, desperation and anger. Simultaneously, and as if with one voice they demanded “You must help us... YOU MUST HELP US!” Then they let out a deafening scream the sound of which pushed me onto my knees causing me to cover my ears in pain. As I looked down I could see blood dripping on the floor. It was my blood.

Blood was streaming from my eyes, nose and ears. Still disorientated and feeling weak I felt a pressure under my arms as they pulled me off the floor. They placed their hands on my head and said “We will show you. You will see”. I opened my eyes and there I was in Nazi Germany, naked and in a concentration camp facility. I was freezing cold and in front of me stood a couple of imposing officers and around me a bunch of scared yet defiant young men. “You are going to kill us now” a voice next to me said “You have tortured us, now you’re going to kill us”.

The officers looked at us, careful to avoid eye contact. Like sheep we were ushered down narrow corridors into a facility underground. We reached an empty room and were instructed to go inside. We all knew this was where we were going to die. We were going to be gassed. “Just tell us where the gas is going to come out!” one screamed as the heavy metal door closed. “JUST TELL US!!!” The door slammed shut and as the sound of the guards securing the bolts and locks faded, all eyes turned to the roof of the room. Minutes passed and the room was filled with deathly silence. Then it came.

The silence broke when, without warning, strange looking pellets fell down the air vents at the side of the room. Those standing closest to the vents were affected first. There was allot of screaming, harrowing screams as people panicked as they watched those around them die. Seconds passed before it reached me. My eyes started to water as my nose, mouth and throat started to burn.

I could taste blood in my mouth as the burning sensation spread down my throat to my lungs. “I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die!” I recalled thinking. As I weakened, I started to sink to the floor, in a futile attempt to fight to stay alive I grabbed on to man standing next to me. He was foaming blood at the mouth, his ears bleeding, his skin an oddly looking pink color and as he turned to me he said “No one can save us now”. Then everything turned black.

“Do you see now” a voice whispered softly into my ear and I could feel the warmth of a breath as I heard those words. Then “DO YOU SEE NOW!!!” it screamed. And with that I woke up, terrified, traumatized. Hubby asked me later that morning whether I had a nightmare. I did recall that I did, but at that stage I could not for the life of me recall what it was about. Hubby said that I woke him up with my moans and that my whole body was covered in goosebumps and sweat. It wasn’t until the nightmare repeated itself two days later that I remembered being gassed by the Nazis. I have 17 nights worth of nightmares still to go, who will kill me next, only Champix will know?

Till next time.

Queer Myths Explained (Part II)

-Part II-

We queer folk are an interesting bunch and this must be the reason our community’s flag is that of the rainbow. Queers comes in all shapes and sizes usually packaged in well thought out designer outfits and gorgeous accessories, sequence and feathers or draped in flannel or strapped into leather. No wonder heterosexuals sometimes are so easily confused when it comes to the gay community. This is the second installment of my dispelling and explaining some common myths about homosexuals.
Is homosexuality just a phase? Seriously people, one confused and semi crazy actress called Anne Heche does not represent the gay community. Apart from thinking she was gay while with Ellen DeGeneres she also believed a spaceship would come and take her away. Homosexuality is as much a phase as the earth is flat. Many parents of gay children may want to cling to this myth hoping that their kids will one day wake up and be “cured”.

Homosexuality cannot be outgrown like childhood allergies and no amount of therapy and/or prayer will magically cure a queer. You may confuse the average homosexual for a short period of time with threats of "Hell" and psychotherapy by an unethical therapist, but this will only lead to a brief phase of pseudo heterosexuality, which is the breeding ground for many Brokeback Marriages.
Lesbians and gay men are homosexual because they have been hurt by the opposite sex. Even though some research has suggested that some women who experienced sexual abuse may be attracted to other women, it should also be noted that the same research suggested that these woman also would have a tendency to be overweight.

If being hurt by the opposite sex is the root cause of homosexuality there would have been a whole lot more queer folk out there, don't you think? I know of at least five of my straight friends who suffered great hardship caused by their former lovers and none of them turned gay.
Why do butch lesbians never wear dresses? They never wear dresses because if they do they would look like drag queens. Some hardcore feminist lesbians also do not shave their legs and arm pits and don’t wear bras. Coincidentally, I know of at least one such feminist lesbian and she only wears dresses. Maybe she prefer dresses because her natural body hair keeps her warm and cosy and if she had to wear pants without natural ventilation she’d over heat.

Secondly, butch lesbians may find it harder to win in a bar fight if they were restricted by a dress and high heels. The only homosexual that will convincingly be the victor in such a bar fight will be a drag queen who have been specially trained for brawls in her sequenced dress and 9 inch stilettos.
All homosexuals will try to get into your pants. Queer folk have better things to do than to try and deflower unsuspecting straight folk. We are far too busy to plot and scheme what the new fashion trends will be for the coming season, planning and attending pride parades, fighting for our rights and not to mention trying to find time to have sex amongst ourselves.

For all the straight guys out there, have a good look at some of the gay boys. Most of us are well groomed, go to the gym, use face products and actually tend to our unwanted man hair down there. None of us have a fervent desire to go on an expedition through your Amazon to locate your “anaconda” or your “chocolate tunnel”.

Unless you are the Marlboro Man and actually knows what to do when faced with another penis you are safe. The professional homosexual will not have the time or patience to break in a straight person and to teach them the elaborate and flamboyant ways of our people.
Homosexual wants to recruit you. I have dealt with this myth before in my article “The Sodomites Wants to Recruit You”. No, we are not on a major recruitment drive. Our numbers are not dwindling instead, through natural selection, our numbers are actually increasing. If we wanted to recruit the unsuspecting heterosexual some major effort would have to go into the vetting of such a person.

He must have an innate sense of style, be able to name at least 6 variation of the colour pink, be able to dance and know all the words of the songs of at least one musical and three Cher albums.

She would have to know what a spark plug is and what it is used for, be able to change a tire, be able to name and be able to use at least five power tools, know the names and words of speeches of three famous feminists and be able to brake a mirror with her fist without cutting herself.

So any straight people who fit any of these criteria please contact your nearest PFLAG centre and ask for the recruitment office.
So there you have it in a nutshell, some of the myths and questions I have been asked most frequently. Yes, we queer folk are an interesting bunch of people and anyone who has ever been to any of our pride parades will most certainly agree. No other community but us would be able to have more fun when it rains on our parades especially if it’s raining men.

All my straight readers I hope you can sleep peacefully tonight knowing that there is no fairy hiding outside your window that will rape you in your sleep. I also do hope that you don’t get any nightmares with the knowledge that the crazy Anne Heche never really played for our team but instead played for yours.

Till next time.

Jackie Beat -Don't Tell Me You're Gay!

Queer Myths Explained

- Part I -

There are still many myths abound regarding homosexuals and homosexuality. Many of these misperceptions surface when well meaning heterosexuals friends, colleagues and/or acquaintances finally muster up the courage to ask some of the questions they have always been burning to ask but were too shy to do so. Some had me bursting out laughing, to the point of almost loosing bladder control, and other question had me surprised and made me think. Here are just a few of such myths about us queer folk.
All gay people across the globe know each other and we have a secret line of communication. If I had a penny for every time someone have asked me whether I knew their gay cousin and/or friend in a different city and/or country just because I am gay I could have retired early.

The gay community is small and it is true that we may know many of our own community members in our own cities, but there is no secret gay database stashed away somewhere that is updated every time a new fairy falls out of the closet. We are not required to study such a database and take an exam after.
Does it hurt when we have sex? Well this will depend on whom you ask.  For some, they may just respond in the affirmative and add “that’s if you are doing it right”. This response will normally come from the group that’s into the fetish S&M sex scene. For those of us who are into “normal” sex (or as we gay folk call it Vanilla) the answer will be it depends. You see when it comes to anal sex you normally have a pitcher and a catcher.

Some gay guys have a preference for one or the other. If you are a bottom you will be the catcher and the experienced bottom normally will not experience any pain or major discomfort and that’s why we use KY. If you are a top you will be the pitcher and there will be no pain.

Then you get some gay guys who are versatile and they like pitching and receiving. Depending on what these guys do more frequently, when receiving he may experience some discomfort or pain which normally will dissipate some time during the “game”.  Some gay men also prefer to take poppers (amyl nitrite) as it relaxes the sphincter muscle making initial penetration less painful.
How do lesbians have sex? Well, to be honest, I am not sure as I have never been a lesbian. I would imagine there are many ways two women can have sex. Oral sex springs to mind and the slang term “carpet munchers” or “muff divers” are pretty much self explanatory.

On the same topic, I have also been asked whether lesbians do not miss being penetrated and I had to respond by saying “why would they miss a penis if they didn’t like it to start with”. But should they wish to be penetrated there are always thing like strap-on’s, vibrators and dildo’s. My advice for my straight friends wanting to know how lesbians have sex is to ask an actual lesbian!
Who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship? The answer is simple, if he has a penis he is the man and if she has a vagina she is the woman. The myth that there are a man and a woman role in gay relationships is somewhat of a predicament. In the gay community we do have homosexuals that are butch (have more manly attributes) and some who are femme (are more effeminate).

When a butch and a femme pairs up it may easily be assumed that the one would take on the traditional male role and the other that of the female role. In reality this can be quite deceptive as in many gay relationships, regardless of the perceived gender roles, most of the responsibilities of being the traditional caregiver and breadwinner are shared amongst the two.

In most gay relationship there are two breadwinners which also place us queer folk in a better economic situation than our heterosexual counterparts. We also don’t have the added expenses of having children (in the majority of instances) and we have a larger disposable income. Who earns the greater salary will also not have a major impact on determining the role of a partner in a gay relationship.
Do gay guys want to be women and lesbians want to be men? The simple answer is No. There are gay guys who dress up as women and they are called Drag Queens and lesbian who dress up as men and they are called Drag Kings. Neither actually wants to undergo a sex change operations and just enjoy imitating the other gender – some even do it as a profession. There even are straight men that dress up like woman and they are called Transvestites and they do not have gay or bi-sexual tendencies.

When a person feels they were born with the wrong gender and opt to undergo a sex change they are called Transgender or Transsexuals. The issue of sexual orientation versus sexual gender identity is quite a complicated subject matter and would warrant a completely separate article. Gay men are also not disgusted by woman, we love them but not in the carnal sense of the word and the same goes for lesbians when it comes to men.
Why do gay people choose to be gay? My response usually would be “Why did you choose your eyes to be blue? “ Many gay people will tell you that they were born gay. I, for one, can attest to this. When I was born, and my mom gave natural birth, I knew there and then that I would not be revisiting that area of the female anatomy ever again.

Being gay is more than just about sex, it also about the emotional attraction and bond homosexuals develop towards people of the same gender. It’s a natural attraction that may have been programmed into our genes. Why would anyone choose a lifestyle that will cause them to be discriminated against, in some countries persecuted and in some communities ostracized? We didn’t choose to be gay, we were born gay but are absolutely fabulous by choice.

There are countless more myths about homosexuality that I could address, but these are the most common ones I have been plagued with in recent years. I will never discourage any straight person from asking me anything about my sexual orientation, no matter how bizarre the question may be and trust that none of my gay readers will shy away from candidly answering questions they are posed.

The gay community sometimes are vastly misunderstood, whether it’s due to plain ignorance or due to us not always being prepared to be open and honest I am not sure. However, I wish that more people across the globe could be educated about GLBT people, maybe if they get the correct information we would be better understood and discrimination and homophobia will one day be a thing of the past.

Till next time.

Hedda Lettuce - Lady GaGa Telephone Parody