A Cure for Homosexuality. Who knew?

Oh.  My.  God.  Apparently there is a cure for homosexuality and it is to be found in Ghana! Who knew, nobody informed Queer HQ and I sure didn’t get the memo! The Presbyterian Church of Ghana (PCG) apparently is established therapy centers for homosexual “victims” to undergo counselling, rehabilitation and some good old fashioned let’s “Pray the Gay Away”. According to the PCG homosexuality is spreading there like the herpes and they have taken it upon themselves to curb the infection rate with their unique cure. How utterly noble of them, don’t you think? With my homosexuality threatened with a possible cure, and my fagalicious ass quivering with excitement at the prospect of some steamy homosexual therapy, I could not help but wonder just how exactly the PCG plans on rehabilitating the Queers of Ghana or possibly, if they get their way - the World!

Firstly as an experienced professional practicing homosexual I must say I never felt like a victim of my sexual preference. Sure there was that time that I had to concede that I no longer fitted into my sexy leather pants and had to accept that my six-pack was a distant memory. And even though I did cry like an emotionally disturbed child whilst wiggling around on my bedroom floor still trying to force myself into those pretty tight pants, still I did not feel like a victim - I just felt fat! Sure, after that experience I joined the gym and for months was tortured with endless hours of cardio training, lifting weights and running like a gerbil on the treadmill, but not once did I feel like a victim of my homosexuality. So why do the PCG believe homosexuals are victims?

Well, to label people as victims of homosexuality and suffering because of it creates the impression that queers need saving. After all if there is nothing wrong with a group of people why try to fuck with their lives? The only thing that is truly causing suffering for the queers in this world is the utter ignorance and intolerance of people whose target audiences are the uneducated masses resulting in us being forced to suffer their stupidity. I mean really, do you think it is fun for us walking around in our well planned and immaculately accessorized outfit and it not be celebrated. Instead, many queers in countries like Ghana are too afraid to express themselves with their clothes and are burdened with having to tone down their appearance and go into hiding in plain sight. God forbid you look gay in Ghana! But for the queers in Ghana the PCG professes to have a cure, a cure that will miraculously alleviate the symptoms of homosexuality like being fabulous, well groomed and happy. So what would that cure be?

Apparently the PCG will cure homosexuality with the establishment of therapy centers. Oh my... what a well thought out plan. We all know how effective therapy is in converting homosexuals now don’t we. I am a living walking example of the fact that therapy is as likely to make a gay guy straight as it is to make a straight guy gay. Sure you get the odd porn star that is gay-for-pay, the prison inmate that indulges in a spot of prostate thumping, but being gay is so much more than just sex. Something the PCG clearly do not understand. No amount of therapy will take away a gay person’s attraction to the same sex, it will only repress it. Nor will trying to pray the gay away succeed in producing a well adjusted happy heterosexual, it will only result in a self-hating, deeply fearful and inhibited person who will end up pretending to be something he/she is not. As for rehabilitating homosexuals don’t get me started...

What will happen to the gay guys being cured of homosexuality if they fall of the proverbial straight wagon and right onto a penis? Will it be like the AA where there’s a 12 step program and meetings start with “Hallo, My Name is Pierre and I am a Homosexual. It’s been 3 months since I last sucked cock”. And if you do end up with a cock in your mouth will you lose your sobriety pin and have to phone your sponsor? Will they enforce laws further criminalizing homosexuality and threaten gay people into faking being straight? Uganda is again trying to push for the acceptance of their genocide bill, not only criminalizing homosexuality further but could even see homosexuality being punishable by death. Will Uganda also be interested in Ghana’s earth shattering, psychological breakthrough new gay cure? Well I would not hold my gay fairy assed breath. It is an idea dreamed up by an ignoramus that probably secretly yearns to get some dick up his anus. What is Africa coming to?

Sitting here on the Southernmost tip of Africa and looking up north, I am nothing less than ashamed of the continent on which I live and the way it treats its people. People are dying of famine in Somalia, there is civil unrest in Libya and I won’t even talk about Zimbabwe. HIV, poverty and violence are rampant and yet some countries choose to focus their attention on homosexuality. Like it’s the gays’ fault the economy has gone to shit, there are droughts, crime and that there are civil wars. But, like I have said so many times before, this will not stop certain organized religions and their morally corrupt benefactors to savagely exploits minority groups for their own evil gains. Unfortunately for us, the gays make for easy pickings on a continent that seems to lose more of its integrity each passing day. I am so not rushing out to buy a plane ticket to go to Ghana. I am perfectly content being gay and that’s not going away.

Till next time.

Madonnalogues

Madonna like you have never seen her before.  Raw, uncut, unapologetic.
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Barbie: Slut or just Misunderstood?

Oh. My. God. Barbie has gone from wholesome busty career chick, to slutty tattooed pseudo stripper who’s totally trying to rock the Japanese Lolita fashion fad. To add insult to injury she also changed her name to Tokidoki. I kid you not! Did Barbie finally accept her once true love Ken was gay? Is Barbie going through yet another midlife crisis? Has Barbie, uhm I mean Tokidoki, watched one too many episode of Jersey Shores? Well, in an effort to figure out what the hell was going on, I sat down with Tokidoki (aka Barbie) to find out if there were more behind those closet doors in her Dream House than her ever-expanding wardrobe.

At the age of 52 I think we can all admit Barbie looks good for her age. Considering that Barbie has had over 120 different careers, thus far, and do not have a single wrinkle or frown-line to prove it is also a feat in itself. As for her personal life, we all know that things have not fared that well. Barbie first met Ken on the set of a television show back in 1961.

Despite being together for 43 years and, up until their very public breakup in 2004 two days shy of Valentine’s Day, Ken never once popped the question. This left Barbie to obsessively buy wedding dresses she would never wear. After the Ken debacle Barbie sought comfort in the arms of an Australian surfer dude called Blaine, but again Barbie never quite made it down the aisle. With Barbie’s newest look, I wanted to know what prompted this radical transformation and whether the men and her past had anything to do with it.

Barbie arrived for our interview one hour and twenty minutes late smelling of cheap whisky and cigarettes. Looking slightly disheveled and still a tad drunk she fell into her chair, whipped away a strand of wayward pink locks from her cheek and said “Let’s get this thing started”. Not being quite sure what I could call her, Barbie or Tokidoki, I asked which she’d prefer to which she responded with a naughty grin “Honey, you can call me anything you like as long as we get this done in under an hour”. And with that the interview started.

Not being used to seeing Barbie all tattooed and whored up I could not help but ask her what was up with this new look. Barbie explained that she was tired of being this goody two shoed pillar of good behavior and being a “role model”. Tired of having to glam things up and exhausted from fashion fads and relationships that went nowhere. So, she decided to stop, have a good long look at her life and take some inspiration from her friends.

Barbie has always admired Angelina Jolie “That bitch have been married twice, have six children and she managed to bag the ultimate Ken in Brad. Brad is straight, wants to marry her and I wanted to be like her! I want to have that bitch’s life” Barbie rather abrasively explained.

“Things have not been easy for me you know” Barbie mumbled. “My life have not been perfect” and with those words I could tell that Barbie was about to open up. Whether it was the whisky or the reminiscence of the cocaine she had snorted an hour before, Barbie was about to spill the whole shebang.

“Forty three years I was together with that man. Forty three fucking years! And not once did he find an opportune time to tell me he was a flaming faggot? No! Like Liza I pretended not to know. I caught him with the pool boy, then the gardener and then with Blaine. Bisexual they said they were. And I believed them! To be honest, I didn’t mind him fucking other guys but the least that bastard could have done is marry me. MARRY ME!!! I wanted a wedding! A bloody Wedding! Was that too much to ask for?!” Barbie sobbed and asked for another whisky, a Marlboro and a tissue.

As Barbie dried her tears smearing her mascara, gulped down her drink and puffed on her cigarette she sighed and said “But this is not about them. This is about me. I made a choice to move on with my life”. Barbie explained that shortly following her last fallout with Blaine having received his and Ken’s wedding invitation, she decided to go lesbian.

“I’ve always surrounded myself with beautiful women and I have always secretly wondered what it would be like, so I tried it and I liked it”. Barbie went on a carpet and dairy dispensing munching diet for 8 straight months. “I scissored, muffed and fingered my way to clarity” Barbie said with glint in her eye that showed no regret.

“I am a strong woman but I can also be hurt. But with all pain comes healing and with healing comes change.” Barbie explained that a mere wardrobe change would not suffice and she wanted a drastic change.  So she went under the needle and got tattooed, dyed her hair pink and sluttified her wardrobe.

“This is how I feel today - liberated, branded and vibrant!” Barbie said with a bit of a tiger’s growl and rejuvenation in her voice. When asked if she had been told about the controversy amongst parents with regards to her new look she responded “Sure they’re pissed off. Sure they don’t like it. But isn’t it time they actually start parenting their own kids? For God sakes, parents these days are so damn lazy! I swear if there were an APP they could download to raise their kids for them they would. It’s not my job to do that, I am not their nanny!” she said as she snuffed out her cigarette.

“Doll, I am late and got to fly. I have a hot date tonight and I might just get lucky!” Barbie said as she ended our brief interview. Curious as I am, I could not let her go without asking “Man or woman?” to which she provocatively bit her pinky and responded “Android!” And with that Barbie blew out of the room as she had entered, and with the smell of whisky and Marlboro’s still hanging thick in the air I was left with as many questions as answers about the enigma that is Barbie. Or should I rather say Tokidoki.

Till next time.

Adam & Steve: The True Story as told by God

We all knew this day would come. The day God would lose his temper due to all the bad public relations nonsense some fundamentalist Christian out there so readily spew. The day God would realize that he is his own best publicist and screw all those pompous freaks sauntering around in clerical gowns with ridiculously queer Biretta or Zucchetto head dresses. Yes, God finally had enough and decided to tell it all in his new book “The Last Testament”. In this, what can only be described as an explosive exposé, God decided to clarify a few thing some campus preachers may find rather shocking. In “The Last Testament” as written by God the true story of Adam and Steve is finally told.

God writes that on the fifth day of the creation he pretty much had the place set up already. He looked around at his creation and saw it was good. But then, in his infinite wisdom, realized it would make for good administrative sense to establish a new middle-managerial position. So as a final act and to fulfill the vacancy he created Adam. God envisaged Adam to be not only the planetary caretaker but also an attractive and likeable spokesperson in the event something goes grievously wrong. With Adam up and about God decided to take the seventh day off, lounge around and let Adam run the show to test his competency in his new post.

Adam passed the test. He had a good rapport with all God’s creatures, a fabulous eye for landscaping and God was pleased. However, Adam was lonely and turned to incessant masturbation to overcome his solitude bespattering the whole of paradise. So one night God slipped Adam a roofie and while he was in a deep slumber he created Steve. Steve was a hunk, not very smart, ripped, cut, hung and the best of all – a power bottom.

When Adam awoke and fist laid his eyes on Steve he wept with joy. They were naked, unashamed and found each other’s loins to be a wonderland to be explored every chance they got. But, the innocence of carnal love was being observed by a rather jealous and closeted malevolent being. The snake watched Adam and Steve and decided to break them up. One day the snake slithered up to Steve, knowing he’s no intellectual Olympian, and told him that the fruit of Tree of Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful would intensify his orgasm, when in fact it would only prolong it with forty-five minutes. Steve believed the lie.

Steve ate the fruit and seduced Adam to do the same and the knowledge that their lifestyle was sinful shamed them but also aroused them. They entwined themselves unceasingly until dawn. Came morning they grew embarrassed and shopped for their fall collection of fig leaves and proceeded to hide from God in the garden. When God arrived he search high and low and finally found them. “Father, there’s something we need to tell thee: we are gay” Adam and Steve hesitatingly confessed. God visibly surprised was taken aback after all how would they know this?

Steve explained “Lord it is true, the snake convinced me to eat the fruit from the forbidden tree and I gave a fruit to Adam too. We now know we are not only here, but queer.” God was enraged with the snake for ruining everything. “I created Steve of the same gender as Adam so they could not breed and would be free to focus on their gardening careers”. But the damage was done. After thoroughly chastising the snake God turned his full attention to Adam and Steve.

“Damn it! I knew I should have made you lesbians! Then you would have tended the garden with more diligence and would have been more outdoorsy in general. But you have been disobedient and for that I must now inflict upon you the harshest punishment possible – Transforming you from carefree young lovers living in the heart of everything, to a married couple with kids stuck in the suburbs.”

With that God changed poor hunky Steve into a woman so that he may bear young. God did however give him the choice of his own female name with one condition– it must rhyme with 'Steve’. The condition being so that in 6000 years from then the righteous can use it to create the most insane slogan of all time “God Created Adam and Eve and NOT Adam and Steve”. Quite ironic don't you think?

Till next time.

This was my interpretation of Chapter 4 and 5, you can Purchase "The Last Testament: A Memoir by God" as written by God and David Javerbaum HERE