Cyber Fidelity

The Internet has become an important part of most people’s lives, but apart from being a useful tool it also could have a dark side that could threaten relationships. With social networking sites, pornography and chat sites a thin and blurred line has been drawn between what is considered to be faithful behavior in relationships and what is not. Recent conversations and some shared experiences on the Internet by my friends and I, and debating the issue of fidelity with reference to the Internet it repeatedly raised the question - Is cyber flirtation and cybersex or browsing pornography cheating?
Like so many people, I spend a good couple of hours everyday on social networking sites chatting to my friends, reading my message and participating in discussions. Every now and again the inevitable message from a stranger pops up asking “ASL”. Being blond I needed a friend to explain to me “ASL” stands for “Age Sex Location”. Usually my first though is “Haven’t you read my profile?” Usually I responded and the next question that follows is “Are you gay & single?” Which brought me back to my previous question combined with wondering whether this person is illiterate, retarded or just lazy? A number of times I fell into the trap of pursuing these kinds of chats and most times they always ended up with some kind of proposition for cybersex, reference to penis size and/or other forms of cyber sexual behavior –it annoys me especially when I am actually in the middle of doing something important! So now I just snub these kinds of messages.
I have never quite understood cybersex or what people get from it - even having a lively imagination myself! I just don’t comprehend how sexually charged discourse typed on a cold keyboard between 2 strangers can culminate in an orgasm. Besides, on the Internet people can create a whole new persona for themselves, and you never can really be sure whether you are chatting to a hot young sex god or whether it’s a vile sex crazed predator. A psychopathic killer who in the basement of his house has a pit, a bucket, some lotion and a white poodle and once he has lured and trapped you there utters the ominous words “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again” – the lambs will never not stop screaming for neither Clarice nor you!
In my opinion a distinction should be made between cybersex and cyber flirting. To me flirting, like in real live, can be an innocent act of being friendly in a sexy way without crossing the line. However, once flirting advances into action it can be considered cheating. My foolproof rule relating to both are when in doubt just ask yourself 1 simple question “How would I feel if my partner were doing this and I found out?” The other good way at preventing being solicited into cyber flirting or coerced into cybersex is not accepting chats or friend requests from people whose profile pictures are of their genitals – duh?! That too I learned the hard way and have since either deleted them from my friend list or blocked them! As all of them tend to favor the cybersex.

When it comes to pornography, the issue becomes a thorny one. Different people have different views on the issue. My personal view of porn is that I am more concerned about the people that star in them: I always wonder whether they grew up wanting to be porn stars, whether their parents know and if they are proud of their careers… But I digress… Some heterosexual women I have known are fervently opposed to having their partners even having pornography in their homes, and would not allow their partners to watch or read it. Many of my gay friends who are in new relationships also indicated that catching their partners watching or surfing porn on the Internet behind their backs troubles them. Is this due to insecurity or is it a form of cheating?
One of my old lecturers (a Prof of Criminology) did a research study on pornography and the exploitation of woman. She was in her early 60’s, married and had to watch a lot of porn as part of her research. We always joked behind her back that her husband probably couldn’t wait for her to bring her work home and we were all perturbed at imagining their sex life. I remembered asking her this question years ago and her answer was fascinating. She said that men and women who are bothered by their partners watching porn may feel that way due to insecurity, as they feel they have to live up to expectations created by the images in the pornographic material, it provokes self-image issues and it challenges their inhibitions. Especially women ends up feeling inferior as they perceive themselves as not being sexually arousing and sexually not being good enough for their partners; they could also feel insulted that the partners have to watch porn to get aroused. I think many gay people may feel the same way – it’s a human thing!

When it comes to pornography, in my opinion, it will depend on the 2 individuals in the relationship to make up their own minds on the issue. If your partner watching or wanting to watch porn makes you feel insecure, or uncomfortable the best advice would be to talk about it. Many couple use porn to spice up their sex life which can be healthy and good for their relationship. When one person in a relationship has to do it in secret and actively hides it, then it could be construed as cheating and damaging to the relationship.

The Internet is a great resource that we all have come to rely on. We have access to a magnitude of information; it’s made the world seem smaller and made our life more convenient. With the good also comes the bad. The Internet can also complicate relationships as new ways of interacting with people can now also compromise your relationship as a whole new spectrum of infidelity has been born from it. One can now have a passionate affair with some sitting on another continent and have passionate sex with that person without uttering a single moan or breaking a sweat. Whether this will have or has caused many relationships to break up, I don’t know, but as technology and we as a society evolve we have to adapt to all the challenges and opportunities. So is having a cyber flirtation and cybersex or browsing pornography cheating? This was my opinion, what is yours?

Till next time!

Meet my Gay Boys by Julia Stretch

Myth of Super Gay Couples

My husband and I will celebrate our 11 year anniversary in 2 days time. Coincidentally, I came across an article titled “Secrets of Gay Super Couples” on a webpage that regularly publish some of my work. Having read the article and agreeing with most that was said I reflected on my own relationship and marriage, and it had me asking two questions: Are we a “Super Gay Couple”, and what exactly is a “Super Couple”, be it gay or straight?
I met my husband for the first time just over 11 years ago. It was at a night club. As usual a friend and I were at the club early so we can spot all the hot guys as they arrived. That evening my husband arrived at the club early as well and I spotted him from across the room – a hot young Italian looking man! I promptly had my friend go tell him that I thought he was hot (kind of immature but I was only 20 at the time). A while later, being the polite diplomat he is, he came and thanked me for the compliment and told me he was waiting for his boyfriend. Being single at the time I was gutted! As we had a polite and flirtatious discourse his boyfriend pitched up and saw me flirting with his boyfriend and gave me the evil eye as only a gay man can – a look that could melt the flesh from bone!
Not being easily intimidated nor being a home wrecker I introduced myself, had a pleasant chat with them and left. But being the type of person I am I vowed that I would wait until the moment my husband-to-be was single and then pounce at the opportunity. So I had my social network of spies, fellow gay gossip mongers and loyal friends activated: Every night every gay club and gay bar would be patrolled and I was to be notified of every sighting of my husband-to-be and informed of his relationship status at all times. Finally, after just over a month news arrived via the elaborate gay grape vine that he was single!

One Sunday evening I attend a drag show with my cousin, and lo-and-behold, my husband was there as well, but he was not alone. I remember telling my cousin that if the guy that accompanied him was his new boyfriend that I was going to be throwing in the towel! As I would have been convinced he had bad taste in men! As it turns out, it was just a friend and that ended up being our 1st date. The 2nd date was filled with passion, flirtation and butterflies in both our stomachs but ended up with us having to push-start my beaten up old car because it did want to start (not the best ending to a 2nd date as the car issue prevented us from getting to 2nd base).
Our relationship progressed slowly but was not with out its speed bumps. The 1st time I told my husband that I loved him there was a dramatic pause and he responded with the words “I like you too”. I remember driving away thinking to myself “Did I just make a fool of myself, did he really say what I think he did, and maybe I should have waited longer before I told him how I felt!”. The 1st person that utters those 3 significant words always stands the chance of getting the response I did, and I do not recommend it! It will leave you feeling confused, embarrassed, slightly angry and rejected. A few days later he returned the favor and those 3 comforting words dripped from his lips like honey onto my very pleasantly receptive heart.

The 1st couple of years of our relationship we spend 1 evening a week, every weekend and every holiday together. We waited 3 years before actually moving in together. We waited until I finished my post-graduate studies and until I started working. Now 11 years later and having been married for almost 3 years we have made significant progress and both our relationship, careers and social standing. It still amuses me when people we have known from many years back crosses our path and asked with amazement “Are you guys still together?” promptly followed by “How do you do it, what is your secret?”. The fact of the matter is we have no secret, there is no manual and no easy short cuts. Making a relationship and/or marriage last takes a lot of work, dedication, communication, commitment, respect and sacrifice from both parties. It’s also not always sunshine and pink roses, rainbows and butterflies and earth shattering sex. You have to be committed to make the relationship work even when times are tough, even if you have a sexual slumps and when you sometimes feel less in love with your partner due to whatever fight you had or problem you face.
Having read the article about the “Super Gay Couples” I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing. Having a gay relationship that last should not be idealized, as it makes it seem unattainable. I also don’t think that there is anything such as a “Super Couple” in heterosexual relationships they too share many of the same relationships issues. All relationships have 1 central thing in common - it takes 2 dedicated people to make it work. Love and respect, in my opinion, are central to any relationship and your partner should also be your best friend - if these 3 things are secure the rest of the pieces will naturally fall into place.

Maybe there are “Super Couples” out there with special powers that cross the globe doing super things. If they are out there, I hope they have cute matching super hero outfits and share their secret with the rest of us normal folk. Until that time the only wisdom I can impart is love is not for the faint of heart and successful relationships are not destined for the lazy and uncommitted.

Till next time!

Kathy Griffin She'll Cut A Bitch
(COPYRIGHT KATHY GRIFFIN AND BRAVO TV)

I never did mind the little things!

This past week I realized I received my Botox treatment in the nick of time, as life’s “little” annoyances definitely would have aged me prematurely. During the last 7 days I endured stress ranging from what most would view as mundane to quite significant. First my Facebook account was disabled without warning, secondly a family member ran into trouble in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and thirdly I am in the process of changing jobs.

The combination of all three had had me experience emotions ranging from anger, frustration, irritation, stress, fear to relieve. Not all these issues are resolved at present, but it had me appreciate what is really important in life!

My Facebook account was disabled on Wednesday last week. No warning messages, no explanation nothing! One day I had over 4000 friends and a fan page for my blog with 1200 fans and the next day all traces of my being was erased. It’s as if I no longer existed! Quite a few people noticed my mysterious disappearance, which made me feel kind of blessed – at least some people noticed and missed me! To me it felt like Facebook’s Super Nanny ordered me to take a time-out and go sit on the naughty chair without explaining to me what I did wrong. What makes it worse is the fact that they are also not communicating with me, and I am getting the silent treatment as well!

Oh the horror of being excommunicated from a cyber community! The shame… The isolation...

All 4000 of friends disappeared somewhere into cyberspace and I have no means of contacting them – it’s like I died a cyber death! They really should establish a Cyber Obituary for people who have experienced the same thing. At least then your friends will know of your untimely cyber demise.

The frustration of trying to contact a company that only choose to communicate with their clients through e-mails, had me yearning for the days when one could actually speak to a human being instead of getting automated responses by bots, with impersonal replies and no speedy resolution. At least some of my friends decided to take action and have e-mailed the Facebook Black Hole of Appeals and if I am lucky someone will eventually read 1 of these e-mails and reinstate my account. In the mean time I'm in exile from Facebook, isolated and forced to interact with my friends in the real world - which isn’t such a bad thing but is hell on my phone bill! The Facebook drama has taught me the value of true friendship and to never put all your eggs in 1 basket (one social networking webpage). Currently, I am suffering from Facebook withdrawal symptoms and I am wondering whether there are any support groups that I can join!

“Hello my name is Pierre and I am an Excommunicated Facebook Addict!”

Over the weekend we learned that the patriarch of our family ran into trouble in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC). He was being held “hostage” there and was unable to return to South Africa. This made my Facebook woes seem quite insignificant! If there is one place in the world you never want to run into trouble it is an African country! I don’t know how many people have ever tried to contact an attaché of an Embassy or a Consulate over a weekend – it’s almost next to impossible! Being the persistent bitch that I am, and dealing well with multi-tasking, trouble shooting and getting things done I managed to get hold of someone on Sunday. The person was quite shocked that our family member was told that the Embassy could not assist him because his problem was not of a political nature. So on Monday someone was fired from the embassy, and I am sure that individual will take greater care in future not to make reckless statements due to laziness and/or apathy. We were lucky that the Embassy took swift action and secured our patriarch's safe return. The whole experience was stressful and the fear and uncertainty of having a family member in a dire situation in a foreign country and the sense of helplessness one experience is difficult to describe. It is also peculiar how one learns to what extend you will go to protect those you love when they are in danger!

They say the death of a loved one, divorce, relocating and changing jobs are the top 4 most stressful things a person can experience. I can honestly say that this is the truth. I have lived through all of these experiences apart from divorce. Currently being in the process of changing jobs for the second time in 2 years I must admit I find the process taxing.

Negotiations, paperwork, meetings, getting signatures, and dealing with Human Resource Departments are getting to point where I want to scream ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! At this stage I just want to pack my little cardboard box with my little private nick-knacks and move offices! Unfortunately, like most things in my work environment, things happen at a snails pace testing my patience. I have tried working on this virtue they call “patience”, which I seem not to have, by growing bonsai trees and orchids. The bonsai trees have died and the orchids refuse to flower! I have made peace with the fact that my career transition will take time, so I will wait impatiently for all the red tape to be completed, and grind my teeth with every delay and bare it!

With the past 7 days and the associated dramas I have come to realize that there is no use in sweating the small stuff. In life you will experience a crisis from time-to-time, some significant others mundane. Your attitude in dealing with each little blow life deals you greatly will determine the general outcome. There is a line in a movie that has become a motto for me during trying times that say “I never did mind the little things”. The most important things in my life, which I have gained greater appreciation for this week are: The safety of my loved ones; having true friends; being healthy; and being fortunate enough to have a job and being able to live a comfortable life. Everything else is just a bonus – the cherry on the cake! I urge all of us to have a good look at our own life and list all the things that we deem most important - I am sure the list will open up all our eyes as to what truly is important in life.

Till next time!

Vidur Kapur

Botoxified

Every so often we find ourselves looking in the mirror and some of us find something small that we would like to change. For some people it’s their nose, others their teeth, wrinkles, sagging eyes, breasts or cheeks. Very few of us actually do something about it. Maybe it’s due to the cost associated with fixing our little flaws or maybe because some are ashamed. This week I decided to fix a little flaw I had, and decided to undergo a small and relatively painless cosmetic procedure. This experience had me question myself regarding vanity, whether I should be ashamed of having taken the next step to slowing the ageing process or whether I should stand up and be proud of it.

Now, I am no stranger to the world of cosmetic procedures, as I have had 1 yearly cosmetic touch-up ritual: For the past 5 years I have been bleaching my teeth, as being a smoker and having pearly whites are mutually exclusive. I have never been ashamed of bleaching my teeth as it's common practice amongst many of my peers. However, once it comes to having more cosmetic work done it starts becoming controversial - especially if you are only 31 years old! Being gay, and admittedly fighting the good fight against ageing, I have long ago begun researching non-invasive anti-ageing procedures but it’s only recently that I decided to take the next step to what, in my mind, I perceived to be total vanity!

For a long time I have been considering Botox but have always been too scared to go, as I have seen the pictures of the horror stories – and I didn’t want to be one of those expressionless monsters! Unfortunately, I have a tendency to frown upon a lot of things – literally! I frown when I am tired, when people annoy me, when I am angry, when people bore me, when I am pensive and when I am stressed. All this frowning has culminated in 2 very distinct and unflattering frown lines between my eyebrows and 2 very pronounced lines on my forehead. These combinations of frown lines not only make me look older but also have the tendency to make me look unfriendly. So after my husband politely told me to stop frowning while I was watching a documentary on television, I unconsciously made up my mind about fixing this behavioral pattern.

As I became more vocal on the subject matter of Botox in my social circle the Botox Closet opened and a few of my closeted Botox friends revealed themselves. I was amazed, as I never suspected any of them of having had it done. I always thought all Botoxians looked like Nicole Kidman! I was pleasantly surprised to find my friends still able to express emotions adequately and they all have a distinct refreshed and rested look. So I had to get their doctor’s number!

Calling up the plastic surgeon, his secretary answered and I requested an appointment. She asked me what it was for, and in a shy voice I answered “It’s for Botox” (expecting some kind of surprised response which luckily didn’t materialize). It’s astonishing how many times I changed my mind about showing up for my appointment. Even on my way to the Dr I found myself questioning my motive for getting the procedure done, questioning myself about issues of vanity and whether I was still too young to start down this, what I had convinced myself as being, a slippery path to cosmetic addiction.

I mustered the courage to make it to the consultation room and soon found myself face-to-face with myself holding a mirror explaining to the Dr where my flaws were. He had me frown over and over again, while making several markings on my forehead. I was visibly nervous, not so much of the needles and what lay ahead, but because I feared something going wrong (in my mind images of Michael Jackson flashed before my eyes). The Dr reassured me that there were minimal risks and that the procedure is safe. After I was satisfied, he started the injections; all the while explaining to me exactly what he was doing, being compassionate and even cracking a joke here and there. The procedure was relatively pain free and lasted only 20 minutes. When the procedure was concluded I was told that the full effect will only start revealing itself within 3 to 7 days.

As the hours and days past I started to see the results. My husband was the 1st to notice that I looked less stressed (even though I wasn’t). The frown lines slowly started to disappear as the targeted muscles started to respond to the treatment. It’s a weird sensation when the Botox starts working, as you do not feel numb but your ability to frown as before slowly disappears. I found myself in a heated argument with a colleague shortly after the treatment and a bystander later commented that I sounded angrier than I looked during the altercation – that’s when I realized I did the right thing getting Botox! Why should life’s little annoyances age me prematurely?

Having now graduated from bleaching my teeth to getting Botox I must admit I am not ashamed of either cosmetic procedure. Having small little touch ups done fixing small flaws may be considered vanity by some. However, having had it done I am pleased with the results and look and feel great. Anyone who considers having any cosmetic procedure done should do their research well before hand, to prevent becoming one of those horror pictures. We all sometimes look in the mirror and some of us find something small that we would like to change. I have come to the conclusion, that if you have the means to change what you don’t like don’t let fear or pride prevent you from doing so, whether it’s a cosmetic procedure or any other life change!

Till next time!

Were The World Mine

Dirty Business

Having just survived another African Democratic Election, I am relieved and slightly blue. All the build up and sometimes dirty political campaigns created great expectations of change and a new political landscape. Many political parties were actively wooing the gay & lesbian vote, with promises of putting openly gay politicians in high profile positions. After having casted my vote the final result have now been announced, leaving me asking myself the question - since when have politics become more about political whoring and slander than actually selling of policies and clean politics?
Earlier this week I was quite perturbed about the fact that many GLBT community members showed apathy towards participating in the elections. Like any self respecting homosexual with a keen sense of activism I ranted and raved about this issue on the Internet to the point of nauseating myself. Whether my rants ushered a few homosexuals into the elections queues, I am not sure, but I sure hope it did.
For the past few months the run up to the elections was fraught with controversy. Our president was impeached, the biggest political party appeared to split with another party being born as a result and charges of fraud and corruption was dropped against our soon to be new president. In our country you are innocent until proven guilty, but if you are a politician your are guilty until proven innocent. So whether our new president actually is a criminal has now become immaterial (most of our political leaders have spent some time in jail as political prisoners, so a prison wrap sheet is essential in our government).
When we heard that Madonna wanted to adopt another African child, most of us in South Africa became very excited. You see we have a politician associated with the youth league of a prominent political party. The guy who can no longer be considered to be youthful still acts like a naughty little child and his public mutterings are as embarrassing as the inappropriate references made by a child at family dinners. So we prayed Madonna would leave Malawi, come to South Africa and adopt our problem child, but she never did! Damn you Madonna!!! Julius would have made a nice contribution to your family and you are the only woman, I believe, who could have taught Julius some manners.

Like all elections all our street lamps had a mosaic of political campaign posters, all boring as hell. The radio and television adds were uninspired and underwhelming. When it came to speeches the whoring and slander started. Politicians, in my opinion, behaved like red light district prostitutes trying to solicit voters with the equivalent of political sex talk. They will love you for a long time (5 years to be exact) for a small fee of 2 little crosses on 2 big papers. They highlighted their opponent’s flaws and over emphasizing how going to bed with their competitors will darken your future (no pun intended!). At the end of the day it came down to some mudslinging and wrestling and not the sexy kind!

On voting day my husband and I decided to join the lunch time voters – big mistake! We stood in what felt like an endless queue for 2 hours. In front of us were 2 young and irritating girls who kept on talking about boyfriends, gossiped about their friends and acting their age. They said they jogged everyday, but by judging on how big their behinds were, I am sure the only jogging they did was between the fridge and the couch. Behind us was a nice straight couple with a little 2 year old boy who did not think queuing for the elections were fun. The poor child cried for most of the 2 hours (reminding me why I am not quite ready to adopt a child).

My vote went to the political party I believe will work the hardest for me and my country, the one party I was willing to climb into bed with. The outcome of the elections wasn't very much of a surprise to any of us, but the small victories came as a pleasant glimmer of hope. Many political parties failed to make their mark during the elections and many have been wiped off the political map. Their whoring was not good enough and some are sulking they didn’t have enough funds. Politics is a dirty business! This year’s elections were a hard fought one, but I am disappointed in many politicians for how they chose to run their campaigns. The days of clean politics appear to me to have taken a back seat this year, but with all the whoring and slander it sure was a fun election campaign to watch and participate in. Thank god for democracy!

Till next time.

Milk Trailer

Caution: Free range kids, cats, dogs, frogs and fairies!

There are 2 social events that I dread; both have the potential to bring tears to your eyes for very different reasons. They are weddings and funerals! No matter how much I try to avoid them, I have to endure at least 1 every year. This past weekend changed my aversions towards 1 such event as we attended the most memorable wedding. The venue was a precious little mountain village called Kaapsehoop, population 120. Apart from the breath taking beauty the little village also has some mysteries and even a ghost.
We arrived at the village during the early afternoon. It’s always difficult to describe in words the atmosphere of a place. The village had a sense of tranquility, natural earthly beauty and a sense of freedom about it. Everywhere you look there was something eye catching, from little chickens, ducks, bunnies to horses. I was enchanted by the place. During the late afternoon we took relatively short hike to a look out point, where we bathed in the most spectacular view. The view had to be spectacular as the small hike was up hill and I would have been severely pissed off if it was a disappointment – I broke a sweat after all!

Upon our return we came across some wild horses. Adoring horses, I could not resist going up to them and pet a few. A couple of the horses showed complete disinterest in me, but one found me interesting and allowed me close enough to stroke him. The horse seemed to enjoy the attention as did I, until my husband indicated that the horse was really enjoying what I was doing. I thought to myself “off course he is, I love horses and they generally like me”. Then my husband repeated himself and emphasized the words “really enjoying”. My eyes wondered down to the horse’s male area and were horrified to discover an erection. Immediately I cautiously attempted to walk away. Evidently the horse was not quite done with me and he pursued me and sucked on my arm. This freaked me out and I feared rape and the resulting newspaper headlines flashed before my eyes. Thankfully, I made it away safely and I avoided that particular horse for the rest of the weekend!
That evening we had pre-wedding feast with all the guests of the wedding party. It was pleasant to get to know some of the guest before the actual event and the evening was packed with laughter and the air filled with excitement. The village is rumored to have a ghost lurking around. At dinner we discussed this and laughed it off. However, when I went to the bathroom I had a paranormal experience. After I finished my business I tried to open the bathroom door, and it refused to open. It was almost as if someone or something was pushing the door shut. Not having my phone with me I panicked. I was stuck in the toilet for 10 minutes and just as I was preparing to embarrass myself by screaming for help the door suddenly opened. Whether it was the ghost or just a simple malfunction I will never know, and don’t particularly care to find out. Ghosts are not my thing.
The actual wedding was fantastic. The bride looked like a princess and the groom like her prince. Their love for each was clearly visible and contagious. We were all in awe of what felt like a magical moment. The bride being my husband’s best friend she also shares in his attention to detail and is painfully organized. So it came as no surprise that the whole wedding went off without a single hitch. Everything transpired with military precision and all seemed effortless. We had a grand party after with all the guests and even the staff dancing the night away. We also made some new and interesting friends, all who threatened me with my life and few drunken photo’s to never ever publish their relationship horror stories, which is a pity as they truly are interesting.
The morning after the wedding I was woken up by singing: Our room was right next to the church and they were having their Sunday service. Being hung over from the night before the singing of hymns was not quite good for my head ache, at least the service lasted only and hour. After we packed our bags we joined friends for breakfast. We reflected on the weekend’s events and parted having had a wonderful time. Our weekend at Kaapsehoop was magical and I was a little sad to leave. In the village they have a road sign that reads “Caution: Free range kids, cats, dogs, frogs and fairies!” This is 1 of only 3 road sign there and I believe this road sign sums up the spirit and sense of humor of this quirky little village.

Till next time.

Boystown: West Hollywood (Reality Television Pilot )

Life is a Drag

Sunday night my husband and I went to a drag show in one of the hottest clubs in our city, as it's not called Legends for nothing. We haven’t been to a drag show in ages. It was an evening filled with over the top outfits, fabulous wigs, exciting impersonations, comedy, drama, a broken stiletto and even an injury resulting in blood being drawn. Returning home in the wee hours of Monday morning, admittedly being a little tipsy, I reflected on the show and thought to myself who ever said being a successful drag artist doesn’t take blood, sweat and tears?

Technically my first date with my husband was a drag show much like the one we attended. Ironically 2 of the artist that preformed were also performing the evening of our 1st date. The divine divas Bianca Bovia and Nomi Peron! It’s astonishing that both divas are still performing 11 years later, and still is mesmerizing on stage. Miss Peron, in my opinion, still does the best Tina Turner impersonation I have ever seen and has the greatest legs. For them to be on stage a decade is quite an achievement, many Hollywood stars doesn’t even have that kind of staying power.

However, the show wasn’t all standing ovations. The Cher impersonator scared me! She looked the way I imagine Cher would have looked like now, if she didn’t have all her surgeries, but at least the outfit was perfectly Cher! I’m no Simon Cowall but I also thought the male live performance was slightly narcissistic and over acted and the guy honestly underwhelmed me. At least he has a great voice and was the only live singing performance of the night.

Other performances that caught my attention were the performance of Miss Cleo Houston Brown and her impersonation of Whitney Houston and the solo cabaret performance. With the Whitney performance I could imagine Whitney being alone in her basement studio in her home, high on crack wearing her favorite dress and performing her little heart out to an imaginary audience in her drug induces state thinking this is the best performance of her life. It was the perfect Whitney impersonation! The cabaret solo performance was perfectly acted and the humor perfectly timed. I found the artist engaging and her choice of material very well suited for her old fashioned over the top style of drag performance. The beehive wig impressed me as I imagine with all the mirrors in it, it could have multiple uses – you can use it either to check your make up or use it as a weapon for self defense.

When it comes to Celine Dion’s “My Heart will go on” I must admit if I have to see one more drag artist perform that song I will scream! However, the rendition we saw was very amusing for the most part because the artist was injured during the performance. Imagine a drag queen in a very expensive looking bikini, sitting in a steel tub paddling her way to shore with a tennis racket; her aching heart painfully visible on her face. Suddenly out of no where she gets thrown with ice multiple times and soaked in water. All of this is done for added drama! Unfortunately, the artist’s hand got cut by a piece of ice, but being the professional she is she finished the performance. By the end she and her bikini were covered in blood – a very dramatic ending to a very dramatic performance. However, I wish “My Heart will go on” would have sunk with the Titanic, as it was beautiful once but now due to it having been over played over the years, it pains my ear drums and agitate my nerves.

Sunday’s drag show lifted my spirit for the week. It was light hearted and free entertainment which I highly recommend. Whether straight or gay no one should ever have to die without having been to a drag show. It’s an injustice you’d do to yourself. There are many successful international drag artists like Rupaul, Jackie Beat & Hedda Lettuce, all famous and talented in their own right. But let’s not forget our own drag celebrities in South Africa, the likes of The Tuck Shop Girls (with my favorite aunty Chrystal Chandelier) and Mince, not excluding all the artists I mentioned earlier.

Life is a drag, and we should all enjoy it! Without our drag queens the GLBT community would be a dull bunch. So thank you to all our Queens for making us laugh, making us cry and entertaining us!

Till next time.

Beaver by Jackie Beat (Please be adviced this video clip is for the mature audience and not for the easily offended!)

Why Should only Straight People Suffer?

Same-sex marriage became legal in South Africa on 30 November 2006 when the Civil Unions Bill was enacted after having been passed by the SA Parliament earlier that month. South Africa became the 5th country, and the 1st in Africa, to legalize same-sex marriage. Now this was a historic occasion for me and my boyfriend of 8 years as we decided to tie-the-knot, and share in the marital bliss of our heterosexual counter parts. Being true homosexuals we decided to do everything in reverse, as we are just fagalicious in that way.

With all marriages you have to endure 5 events before you end up being husband & husband. There is the engagement party, the bachelor’s party, the wedding ceremony, the reception and the honeymoon and usually in that order. Well, at least that’s traditionally how straight people do it. Being gay and this “marriage thing” being very new to us we approached it unconventionally. Now, I don’t hate weddings I just have a strong aversion to the administrative, planning and production side to them. I also don’t see the purpose of some of the traditions and grand order of how a marriage should be consummated. So when we decided that we were going to get married there was only 1 demand from my side – No Wedding Ceremony & No Church! This came as a big disappointment to my husband who like all gay boys dreamed of his perfect fairy tale wedding. After some pouting and negotiation we came to a compromise. We were going to only have a reception for a few of our closest friends, and all the planning and wedding drama was squarely put on my husband’s competent shoulders, and I was happy to just pay my share of the bills.

We decided to skip the engagement party and go on our honeymoon first. We spend the most fantastic 10 days in Egypt. Had cocktails on the Nile, rode Arabian horses in the desert, sun bathed and snorkeled in the red sea. I am aware that the choice of country to celebrate our pending wedlock was a bit strange, it being a Muslim country where homosexuality is illegal and you can get a jail sentence if caught. I must admit we were a bit cautious about being affectionate with each other in public there, but it didn’t stop us from enjoying ourselves or the country. We ended our final evening in Egypt skinny dipping in the red sea, which I highly recommend! On the flight back I proposed to my husband that we become members of the mile high club, but the flight being Egypt Air he wisely declined my offer, so we are not members yet.

Returning from our honeymoon we broke the news of our pending marriage to friends and family. Some were overjoyed others confused. Questions arose about changing of our surnames: My husband and I share the same name and initials. If we were to have changed our surnames to a double barrel surname, sorting mail would have become a huge issue. So for this obvious reason and for professional purposes we kept our respective surnames. A few weeks after same sex marriage was officially legalized we went to a minister’s office with 2 witnesses. In a 30 minute unofficial ceremony we were married. It was simple, uncomplicated and emotional. Receiving that unpretentious piece of paper, legally recognizing our commitment to each other filled me with an indescribable sense of pride for my country and love for my husband. Finally our relationship of 8 years was official and legal!

A month later we had our reception. We booked out an entire section of our favorite restaurant. We had 20 fabulous guests (Actually 21 because 1 guest was pregnant at the time). It was a fun filled evening with laughter, champagne and off course amazing gifts. With our reception we successfully completed the marriage cycle, skipping a few events and doing things in reverse. Looking back on our unconventional wedding almost 3 years ago, I still get a smile on face and I am still in love with my old ball & chain. I am one lucky bastard!

Many people speculated that giving gay people the right to marry would ruin society, degrade the sanctity of marriage and make divorce lawyers millions. God forbid that gay people can actually get married, adopt children and stay married and be happy! The legalization of gay marriage in South Africa has not ruined society; yes there have been a few divorces in the mean time but as far as I know the divorce rate is still much higher amongst heterosexuals.

My wish for the rest of the world is to follow the example of South Africa and allow all GLBT people to get married.

After all why should only straight people have to suffer marriage?

Till next time!

Wanda Sykes on Gay Marriage

Perfect Creatures

Sporting a new funky hair cut, the male version of the hot little black number, I had my first glimpse of the world of celebrity and fame. Rubbing shoulders with the fashion elite, the fiercest of magazine editors and the odd celebrity is not to be snuffed at. Being amongst all these beautiful and power people who influence the way we dress and the way we are made to believe we must look and feel, had me asking myself a few questions about ourselves. Have we as a society lost our sense of individuality, have we become so superficial that we believe we must emulate what we see in fashion magazines? Have we become voyeurs that ravage tabloids because the blunder of celebrities makes us feel better about ourselves?

Last night my husband and I were VIP guests of Sanlam at SA Fashion week. We were treated like royalty, fed delicious snacks and treated to expensive free champagne. We attended 4 fashion shows in 2 hours. With the first hour we had the coveted front row seats, the ones people would kill their mother’s for, as where you are seated at a fashion show reflects your status and importance in the industry. So for the first hour we were considered elite purely due to our seating assignments, and I could sense the envy of all the little people behind us. With the second hour we were down grated to the second row and the envy shifted.

What we saw ranged from absolute brilliance to the bizarre and dreadful. What was interesting is the fact that haute coutier which will never be seen worn in public reflects the state of a society and what that society deem important at that specific time. The piece de resistance was the last show of the evening which metaphorically commented on the evolution of man, being environmentally aware and emphasized greener living. It’s a pity that these messages translate excessively to the pages of magazines as editors realized that the new trend is going green. Going green is the new in thing, and I wonder whether people actually do take this to heart. The preference that is given to what advertisers want and the size 0 emaciated modals and un-environmentally friendly products is also in stark contrast to the green trend.

Watching some of the male models strutting down the runway I also unconsciously aspire to look like some of them with their chiseled chins, ripped abs and perfect hair. Reality however soon sets in every time I pass a mirror and realize that my genetic make up will never allow me to look like that without the assistance of a skilled plastic surgeon and a substantial cosmetic budget. Yet I buy the clothes, the shoes, the accessories all that is current and in fashion. To a degree I do emulate the images I see in magazines, and they do make me feel good about myself. To be honest, looking good in what I wear does boost my self-confidence. If you look good you feel good. So is trying to emulate what we see in fashion magazines and on the runway so wrong?

Also at the fashion show was one of the most infamous tabloid magazine editors. At first glance she looks quite harmless but on closer inspection one soon discovers that she is quite the bitch. In her profession I guess it comes with the territory as she is probably the most hated person by celebrities in our country. With a few strokes on a key board she can ruin marriages, careers and make thousands of revenue for her magazine. Some people read these type of magazines more religiously than they do their scriptures. I don’t think there is anyone of us who haven’t paged through a tabloid, and got some sense of satisfaction when a famous person gained weight or we see them without make up and realize they aren’t all as beautiful as they appear in movies, TV or in the magazines. It’s moments like those that one comes to really grasp their normality.

Sometimes I feel tabloids over step the boundaries, when they publish personal indiscretions of famous people that ends up hurting their children. The failure of their parents to exert proper moral judgment should not harm them. But then again celebrities should know better. Reading about their sex escapades, drug binges, rehab and bar brawls, makes our problems sometime seem insignificant. We read about their woes and look at our lives with a little more appreciation. I, for one, am very grateful that I am not famous, because if I had to live under a magnifying glass, and with all the little mistakes I have made in my life, I could have earned tabloids millions.

One evening of celebrity and being a Very Important Person (VIP) opened up my eyes to the plethora of self importance and superficiality that one so easily can get addicted to. Yet, I do not think that lifestyle would suit me very well and that I would enjoy sustaining it for any extended period of time. Once or twice a year is more than enough for me. Reflecting back on last night I have came to the conclusion that there is room for fashion in our society and their superficial images as we need that because adorning ourselves with what we are told is beautiful makes us feel good about ourselves, and can even boost our confidence. You don’t need to sacrifice your individuality as you can express your personality by the way you choose to purchase your fashion. We are also voyeurs, as human nature makes us curious creatures. We sometimes revel in the misfortunes of others especially that of famous people as that makes them seem more human. So we are not perfect creatures, but our imperfection is what makes life fabulous!

Till next time.

JUNGLE-GYM Men's Fashion Show ★ produced by SIX INCH inc.

Dildos, Handcuffs, Leather and Porn

Recent headlines about a certain sex crazed lawyer and all the perverseness she and her boyfriend got up to drew my attention to the subject of sex. As I explored this subject matter I discovered everybody have some kind of secret sexual fetish, some intriguing and others just bizarre and in certain cases even illegal. We all have sex (the lucky ones that is), but why are we ashamed of talking about it? Since when has admitting having sex become a taboo? Are we ashamed of our sexual behavior and desires?

My husband and I have visited the odd sex shop every now and again. Like most people we snuck in hoping no one that knows us will see us and prayed not to bump into anyone familiar. God forbid people should know that we have a healthy sex life and enjoy the odd spot of porn. Once inside the shop, we avoid eye contact with the patrons and head straight to the gay section; we try not to pay attention to what items other people are buying, while trying to find our choice of porn and/or sexual accessories. This shopping experience usually is a queer one as I, for one, doesn’t want to be perceived as being a sexual deviant or be judged for what erotic items I choose purchase. Yet that’s the way I feel when I get to the counter with my items. I know that the employees in these establishments have seen and heard everything before, but sometimes I wonder whether they really take notice of the customers and whether they do actually judge you based on your purchases. Are they sarcastic when they say “Enjoy or have fun” when you leave with your items or do they really mean it?

Apart from feeling insecure and self conscious in any sex shop, some people also make me feel awkward. They are the ones that you know have a dungeon in their basement with an assortment of whips, leather masks, chains and other unmentionables doing strange things to strange people. What makes it even more peculiar is the fact that they look normal and may even be your neighbor. I have never seen any person shop with self confidence in a sex shop apart from the S&M fans, and I know of very few people that will openly admit that they have been to one on more than one occasion. Most of us are shy, self conscious, nervous and cautious in sex shops and behave like little mousses that are aware that there maybe a cat lurking somewhere in a dark corner. That’s why these days I prefer to do my erotic shopping on-line and have it delivered to the post office in a very discreet package and receiving it from a blissfully unaware postal worker.

A few years ago our sex life was put on display. Our apartment was broken into and our secret sex life was discovered by unsuspecting robbers. They completely wrecked our bedroom and stole most of our electrical appliances. After invading our personal space, stealing our property and murdering our sense of security, they had the audacity to leave a sentiment of their disapproval of our life style. You see, they had discovered our porn collection and a few other items and in a little homophobic gesture decided to display our whole collection on our dining room table for the whole world to see. It was embarrassing and enraging at the same time, knowing that complete strangers went through your personal belongings and discovered and touched your sex accessories. If that wasn’t bad enough, they simultaneously broke into our neighbors’ apartment and did the same thing to them. I never would have thought they would have such a substantial collection of vibrators, dildos, porn and a pair of handcuff. So both our kinky sex lives were exposed, and the 4 of us blushed every time we bumped into each other after that day. They moved away a year later, and we were all very relieved. I have always wondered whether the robbers remember us and what they really thought of our sex lives.

When it comes to sex I have come to realize that human beings are very diverse in their desires and preferences. You get those of us that are into, what I think, normal to even adventurous sex and then you get the group of people that takes it to the next level of what can only be described as extreme sex. They are the ones with the seriously specialized fetishes. The sexual behavior that qualifies for Ripley’s believe it or not. Even the terminology is strange: Golden Showers, Fisting, Belgium Chocolate, Tea Bagging and Creaming just to mention a few. Some of the stuff is just plain nasty, unhygienic and can seriously alter your anatomy. I think it is bizarre that there are people who enjoy being peed and pooped on! However, I am not sure whether it’s fair to judge them, and neither can I attribute the pleasure they derive from it to a mental disorder. I guess if it makes them happy and gets them off and if they do not harm someone who does not consent to it, they should be left to explore their fetishes to their hearts desire. I just hope they take a real shower after and that none of them ends up my waiter or bartender when we go out!

Having sex and having desires are normal. We all have our sexual preferences, secret little sexual paraphernalia and sexual dislikes. I think because sex is such an intimate experience between people and the exploration of your sexual desires and fantasies show so much of your true self it makes most people uncomfortable to share it with strangers. Finding someone that is completely sexually compatible with you can also be a challenge on its own. In my opinion, I do not think we are ashamed of our sexual desires and behavior, but instead find it to be intensely personal and prefer keeping our most basic human instincts private. I am lucky to be married to a man with whom I can share my desires, explore new things and be open with, as he can be with me. Honest communication is the most important aspect in having and sustaining a healthy sex life in any couple’s relationship.

Till next time.

The Dildo Song (Not suitable for easily offended viewers)

This video is the work and copyright of Robert D Brooks (http://www.damnthe.com/video/ the_dildo_song_home.html)

Cyber Bully

Most of us have experienced bullying at some stage in our lives. Whether it was on the play ground, classroom, neighbourhood, social circle or in the office. You may even have been guilty of bullying yourself? I have seen and experienced bullying on many levels but the most recent form of bullying I found quite intriguing. I have come to realized that as we mature so does bullying and the nuances and techniques becomes more sophisticated. I have also pondered the motivation behind bully’s actions. Is their intention to emotionally hurt you, just shame you or is it about power?

My first experience with a bully was in high school. Even back then with the way I looked and sounded it took no rocket scientist to figure out I was gay. So it’s no surprise the School Jocks “bully radar” went crazy when I appeared within range. As bullying goes, it started off with a few derogatory words uttered behind my back, later evolving into insults and ended up with full scale altercations. Getting into a bitch fight with any gay man is never a good idea, but back then my tongue was not as lethal as it is now. My high school experiences with bullies sharpened my tongue to a formidable weapon. I made a choice back then, if being gay was the reason for the taunting I would take away the bully’s power and take ownership my identity. After coming out of the closet my “open secret” was confirmed and the bully no longer had sufficient ammunition to utilize or the power of certain words to insult me. Calling someone a “faggot” who admits to being one and is not ashamed of it takes all the fun out of bullying.

At university I was introduced to the world of the Social and Academic bullies. They were the ones who either came from very wealthy families or were the 3rd or 4th generation of surgeons and/or lawyers. This category of bully believed that they were superior to everyone else. They treated others like oxygen thieves, second class citizens and/or the help. They had their own special little code of conduct, social rules and aristocratic air about them. Their form of bullying consisted more about making others appear invisible and insignificant. They clearly distinguish between “old” and “new” money and many of them was riding on the coat tails of their families. We normal folk tended to avoid them at all costs as we would always be brutally reminded of our ordinariness and working class status. However, when our paths crossed the tension had the potential of escalating into a full on street fight not unlike those found in a bad musical. Their sense of superiority was nauseating and when ever they failed their exams most of us secretly giggled as we realized that good breading and wealth is no substitute for hard work and doesn’t guarantee intelligence or success.

Having experienced and dealt with many bullies in high school, university and later at worked I had become quite proficient in dealing with them effectively. So when I was attacked by a Cyber Bully on the internet last week I was taken a back. Cyber bullying has emerged as the newest tool in the bully’s arsenal. What makes Cyber Bullying even more interesting is the fact that the bully can choose to stay anonymous and the harassment can be multi-dimensional and multi-national. I have never experienced this form of bullying before, even though I was aware of its existence.

Apparently my Cyber Bully is a man who has a very low opinion of my blog and a strong loathing for me as a person. If I recall correctly my blog was described by him in one post as idiotic and stupid (which I believe imply the same thing) and a total waste of bandwidth (which I found harsh). He decided to spread his opinions of me and my blog on the Internet (amongst other websites was Facebook). Living in a country where we respect freedom of expression I found myself with a conundrum: I cannot censor this person as he has the right to critique my blog if he feels the burning desire to do so; however, when he attacked me as a person I have the right to act. I must admit when I came across his fierce diatribes about me on a few Facebook groups I was shocked and a little bit angry. No I must not lie… actually I was pissed off as all hell!!! After the initial shock wore off, and calm returned to my world I decided to contact him. I drafted the most diplomatically letter I could muster that would make any United Nations representative proud. After the message was sent the hateful postings seized and I am still awaiting his response. Maybe he's busy creating a hate page for me as I type this. If so, I must admit it would be flattering in a very demented way.

Bullies can be annoying, make you feel bad about yourself and also invoke strong emotions. Whether you are targeted because you’re too thin, too fat, too gay, too tall, too short or whatever other obscure reasons bullies find to harass you, just remember they can only harm you if you give them the power to do so. I have learned that if you do not stand up for yourself, the bully retains all the power and that the majority of the time their urge to bully emanates form strong insecurities, jealousy and/or need to attain power to compensate for their own imperfections or sense of powerlessness. Yes, you will have an adverse emotional reaction with the initial onslaught as did I with my Cyber Bully, but take it from whom it comes, believe in yourself and respect yourself enough not to let it affect you. Never allow anyone to devalue who you are.

Till next time.

Rick Mercer's Rant - Bullying

First World Ambitions

I live in a third world country with first world ambitions. And no, this realization didn’t just dawn on me, I am reminded of this everyday. Between potholes, endless road works, beggars, politics and crime, you have no choice but to accept the fact that if you live in Africa you are still behind most economies and the tall shiny sky scrapers and expanding highways only camouflage our poor standing.

Driving to work and home everyday can be treacherous, humorous and sometimes frustrating. In South Africa having your own transport is essential, as public transport is notoriously unreliable and can be fraught with danger. Anyone that has ever taken a taxi (and yes I have done so a few times in my youth) knows that once that tomb of death’s doors closes you are bound for a heart stopping roller-coaster ride. It may get you to your destination quicker but at the cost of accompanied reckless abandon of all traffic rules which could result in a high probability of death. Having your own transportation may not be better for your blood pressure either but statistically could increase your mortality rate, but it too does not guarantee your safety. You run the risk of being high jacked and mash and grabbed therefore most of us drive with the vigilant observation skills of an American Secret Service Agent. As if potholes, crime and general road accidents are not enough one also have to dodge beggars, pedestrians, cyclists and the odd goat, depending on where you drive.

Everyday I am amazed with the creativity the beggars in our country employ to soliciting money from us. Perfectly healthy men, woman and children with torn and dirty clothes with pseudo ailments and/or disabilities stands at virtually every traffic light, some clutching babies, others crying and all are sunburned. Some days I get the distinct impression that begging has turned into a form of street performance art: You have to have acting skills, be a good copy writer and be an expert in repetitive universally understandable gesturing. I love reading their boards, some are funny mostly due to their creative use of language, and I always feel blessed as most of their boards end with the words “God bless you”.

In just over a month we will have our national elections and it’s hardly going to be the Obama-McCain nail biter. In what other country, outside Africa that is, do you find some political parties bribing voters with food and being elected to the highest office in the country could require a prison rap sheet as prerequisite? Admittedly the majority of our political leaders were in prison as political prisoners but since democracy 15 years ago, I get the sense that the reminiscing sounds of steel doors slamming shut and keys locking cells are enticing a few of them back to prison. Corrupt government officials is by no means only secluded to third world countries, the USA and many other countries have had their fair share of scandals. The only difference is in Africa, I believe, there is no shame in it: If you don’t get caught it’s not viewed as being wrong and if you do not admit to it you’re not guilty. If all else fails you can always blame Apartheid as it was and is the root of all evil. I think most of us liberal South Africans are grateful that Apartheid ended, but the constant reminder of it is excessive. Roads and City names are being changed to unpronounceable indigenous names to erase the legacy of apartheid; it has gotten so bad that my GPS is struggling to keep up. Soon a road and city reference book will need to be published in order for the general public to translate the new names to the old ones just to know where the hell you now life. (As example: I use to live in Pretoria but the name has since been changed to Tshwane).

In Africa there is also no sense of urgency to complete tasks on time. This is fondly referred to as the “African Time Mentality”. In Africa people see no need to finish anything today that can possibly be left for tomorrow; things take as long as it’s going to take and never ask for a projected time frame as that too will take long to determine. Another curious African belief is that no Black or Arabian persons are gay, and that homosexuality is a European disease, brought to our shores by the Colonialists. Therefore, homophobia is still rife in most of our rural African communities and still illegal in many African countries. It is firmly believed that it’s a deviant choice individuals make and most gay people live their lives in fear of being discovered.

This all being said, South Africa may not be a first world country but we do have many first world qualities. We are proud people who take pride in our beautiful country, our rich tapestry of cultures and our heritage. We are also becoming the country of choice for tourists who bathe in amazement of the beauty of our landscapes, comforting climate and diversity of people. We have a first world constitution and are the first African country to legalize gay marriage. The basic human rights of all citizens, whether deserving or not, are protected. Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and Transsexual people enjoy the same right as everyone else and “officially” discrimination based on sexual preference is prohibited (unless you are the religious right, but that is a whole other article). As a country we still have a long road ahead of us to achieve our ambition to enter the sphere of the elite economies. We face many challenges with our young democracy, sociological issues and crime. When ever I get discouraged by events in South Africa I always find solace in the fact that at least I don’t live in Zimbabwe under the reign of terror of Robert Mugabe!

Till next time.


Model for Me- Is Jer Ber Jones America's Next Top Model??
by Austin Young

Are Gay Men from Venus and Lesbians from Mars?

One of my lesbian friends recently had some domestic drama. It included a love triangle, domestic violence, psychosis and lots of broken furniture. This is not uncommon as, in my experience, lesbians equals drama! Not being a lesbian myself off course, I sometimes struggle to understand them. Apart from the obvious anatomical difference between gay men and women, we also have some other fundamental difference when it comes to relationships, our behaviour and reactions which leave me with the question: Are Gay Men from Venus and Lesbians from Mars?

The first fundamental difference, I have noticed, is our approach to relationships. Gay men are primarily driven by sex. We are motivated by sex (whether we want to admit it or not) and a relationship sometimes develop as a byproduct. Physical needs and attraction most times supersedes the emotional components required for a relationship during the initial stages of the gay male cortship ritual. Lesbians, on the other hand, seek an emotional bond first then companionship and then sex. I have also realized that most lesbians find emotional baggage sexy and emotional drama is their pornography of choice.

A lesbian couple can complete a full relationship cycle in a very short time span and their relationships can be categorized into 2 phases. Lesbians can fall in love, have a deep emotional bond, drift apart and then break up all in less than a month. This qualifies as phase 1 of a lesbian relationship. After a lesbian couple breaks up that is never the end of the story but always the beginning of the theatrics which constitutes phase 2. I have found that lesbian have a problem with letting go. It could be due to sentimentality or pure obsession. After a break up they always appear to have the queer response of wanting the other person back. They react like predators in the wild focused on achieving their goal and always seem to loose sight of the reasons the relationship ended in the first place. Many times they end up back in the toxic waste land they previously found themselves and get stuck in a meaningless orbit until the next emotional magnet with bagage pulls them into a new one.
The second fundamental difference is our approaches to the roles we are assigned in our relationships. Gay men can be divided into butch or femme and a bottom or a top. Being butch or femme does not necessarily predetermine your sexual role when it comes to gay men. Gay men are also less strict on adhering to these roles in our relationships, as for the most part gay relationships are viewed as equal partnerships with the traditional gender assigned functions divided between the two men. In lesbian relationships the butch-femme roles however is strictly divined and adhered too. Not being familiar with lesbian sex, I am not sure whether they have a “top” or a “bottom”. Finding two butch lesbians in a relationship is as scarce as the dodo. However, I have seen two femme lesbians together, but that is rare too. Furthermore the unwritten rules and intricacies in the lesbian community and their relationships are worse than that enforced at formal diplomatic functions. One lapse of protocol or ungracious transgression of etiquette could culminate with you waking up on the floor surrounded by pieces of broken bear bottles, which leads me to my next fundamental difference - violence!

Some lesbians can be violent and volatile. In all the gay bars and clubs I have ever been, you can always tell which toilets are frequented by our butch sisters - it’s the ones with the broken mirrors. I don’t know why lesbians don’t like mirrors but when ever they get angry it’s always the mirrors or the doors that suffers their rage. Gay men rarely resort to physical violence to vent our anger or to resolve problems, we prefer using words - we’d rather be bitchy than brutal. When a lesbian gets angry and she is at your house be sure that grandma’s porcelain and china is well hidden. The fundamental difference here is that lesbian’s gets destructive when their tempers flare up. I’ve seen them break things, scratch things, beat things and each other and even the odd spot of arson. Maybe it’s because gay men are more rational when it comes to dealing with our anger and lesbians tends to be more impulsive, but never the less when an angry lesbian storms my way I tend to get out of her way. It really is true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned, but who ever said that clearly never had any dealings with a lesbian with a broken heart and a vindictive mind. The last fundamental difference, I would like to highlight, is the total lack and disregard for fashion of lesbians. Why do most lesbians insist on looking like lumberjacks? Lesbians outfit of choice appears to be a pair of pants (usually jeans), a T-shirt or flannel shirt and shoes or boots with platforms that could make any engineer stare with envy. God forbid you’ll ever find one in a dress wearing a proper bra! That being said I have seen many lesbians in very fashionable pant suits but they are in the minority. I am not sure whether lesbians do not care how they present themselves or rather just opt for comfort over fashion, but they have a distinct lack of fashion that appears to have become a long lived tradition. Whether it is short hair for the more butch lesbians and long hair for the more femme, please take a tip from your gay brothers and embrace current fashion trends.

It has been hypothesised that gay men have more inherited feminine qualities (Venus) and lesbians more of the masculine (Mars), hence the differences in our approache in dealing with a variety of issues. At times it can appear as if we hail from different planets and that our orbits intercept intermediately. No matter our differences, we are still part of the same diverse community and family under the same fabulous rainbow. Even though I do not always understand my lesbian sisters it sure is fun to have them around, even though some of them scare the hell out of me!

Till next time.

Elvira Kurt - Just For Laughs - 2002