Am I a Stepford Fag?

With my thirty something birthday coming up (a queer never reveals his true age after 30) in just over a month I took some time to sit back and reflect on my life. After all I am now closer to forty than I am to twenty.  And isn't it strange how different we view life while you are in your twenties than how you view life when you are in your thirties? As I measured how my life has changed since I was 20 and how different it is now than what I expected, I came to ask myself a shocking question – Have I become a Stepford Fag?

Stepford Fags are described in the urban dictionary as “a gay couple who are nice, sexless and nonthreatening. Typically they live in the suburbs, have an immaculate house and yard and don't scare the neighbors while they are in fact just as much a slave to heterosexual establishment as everyone else.”

While in my twenties I could have been described as a social butterfly. Most nights I partied the night away and knew all the regulars at all the night clubs by name. As my long suffering husband and I started dating (shortly before my 21st birthday) all the club celebs came to know us as a couple rather than individuals. It was bound to happens that way as my husband and I share the same name.  We became friends with the elite gay socialites, at the time, and became regular fixtures at all the popular LGBT events.  In between my busy social schedule I managed to finish my studies and started working. However, during this time my social life gained priority and my studies and worked was seen only as a time filler until the next party.

I went to class and later to work with very little sleep, sometimes a hangover and the odd glittery souvenir of the previous night’s party stuck in my hair. On one occasion I showed up for work minus one eyebrow because at the previous night’s strip show at the club the flame throwing stripper scorched it off. My husband and I also thought it funny to wear matching outfits to clubs, which in retrospect was silly not only because it’s such a cliché thing to do but I mean really wasn’t it bad enough that we share the same name? As the years passed our regular feature on the nightclub circuit became less frequent as work demands and responsibility increased and we reduced our social excursions to weekends.

Being young, wild, attractive and popular I didn’t give much thought to the future – being that age I thought I would stay young, pretty and thin forever. Never once did I consider getting married as I was of the firm belief that it was something straight people did to make it more difficult for them to split up. Being in a happy and committed relationship and having moved in together I was quite content with the way things were. We didn’t need a contract so ensure our relationship would last! Apart from marriage the house with the white picket fence, dogs, cats and children was as frightening to me as a cheesecake to an anorexic. I was happy, thin, in a relationship with the man I loved and surrounded with glitter balls, strobe lights, music, drag queens and hot young guys. What more does a young gay man want?

During my late twenties my metabolism decided it would skip a few years ahead and slowed down. As the pounds started packing on and my infamous leather pants and tight, skimpy shirts started to take strain to the point of me no longer being able to squeeze into them, it was time for them to be retired. The late nights at clubs over the weekends also showed signs of taking its toll and became less frequent. Before I knew it my social butterfly days were numbered as my priorities had shifted just like my weight.

The process was so gradual one and it happened without any distinct detection. What seemed important and satisfactory to me a few years ago no longer had the same appeal. More time was spent focusing on my career. Night clubs was replaced with dinner parties and movies with friends and quiet evenings at home. However, we still go clubbing when we have the time. My relationship had evolved to a more mature level and friendships deepened beyond superficiality and hedonistic interests.When gay marriage was legalized my husband and I didn’t give it a second thought and tied the knot literally a few weeks later. My twenty something view of marriage was replaced: I now had a more mature view and understood that marriage was more than just a contract that would cost you half of everything you owned if you want to get out of it. The house with the white picket fence now also drew my attention and became a reality. The twenty year old finally grew up. I transformed from a club hopping shooter downing socialite to a career driven married man. Does this now mean I become a Stepford Fag? As per the definition I would have to say Yes and No. Yes, we are a nice couple, live in the suburbs, have an immaculate home and yard and we don’t scare the neighbors (on purpose that is). However, we most certainly aren’t sexless (of that we have quite enough) and are not slaves to heterosexual establishment nor do we want to imitate it. We are who we are; some people might still find this threatening and not approve but I say the hell with them. So if I am considered a Stepford Fag, I am very proud to be one and highly recommend it. All fairies have to grow up some time!

Till next time.

Sam Jensen – Here Is The New There

Rarely does a DJ write and compose his or her own music.  So taking this into consideration DJ Sam Jensen is a rare find.  His first album ‘Daydreams Last Forever’ was a hard act to follow and he nails it with his second album ‘Here Is The New There’ as well.  From the first track ‘Music Makes Me’ that rouses you to move whether you want to or not, right through to the whimsical silliness of the bonus track ‘The Brandy Song’ his sound is unique and fresh.  ‘Lakeside Zoneout’ is designed to take you away and it definitely does just that.  His lyrics come across personal, whether they are tongue in cheek or deep and cerebral making for a very satisfying album.  This is a must buy album and this young an upcoming artist needs to be watched closely as he most definitely is going places.  Sam occasionally releases some of his tracks for free download so check out his Facebook Page DJ Sam where you can order copies of his albums too.

Review by GeeGee Curtained from The Modern L fame.

15 Years: And they said it would not last.

Today is our fifteen years anniversary.  Good Lord, has it really been that long?  It feels like yesterday that I first met my husband.  I still vividly remember that day I sent my friend over to go and tell hubby I thought he was cute.  I also remember the agonizing two months that I had to wait for him to become available.  I also clearly recall that auspicious Sunday evening when we finally officially became a couple, at a Drag Show nonetheless.  For a long time we lied and told people we met at an art exhibition.  You know because that just sounded more sophisticated than telling people we met at a Bar called “Bulls Eye”.  But now fifteen years on, what is the point of lying about where we met and I say fuck sophistication, we met at a Bar and at least it wasn’t a steam room.

For a long time there has been this myth that gay people are incapable of sustaining long term relationships, that we’re drug taking promiscuous misfits who cannot settle down and build a happy life for ourselves; that we are destined to grow old in nightclubs forever chasing after our long lost youth.  But that is just it - it’s a myth.  There are countless couples that I know of out there who have been in relationships for much longer than we have been.  Perhaps they are not active in the gay scene anymore and aren’t as visible, but we are out there.  Look, I won’t lie.  The last fifteen years were not all rainbows and butterflies.  Relationships take work.  But when you find someone who is worth it you won’t mind putting in the effort.  So let me share with you some of our highlights and lowlights of the past fifteen years.

All relationships have ups and downs.  Some couples are strong enough to make it through those down times and others are not.  As for hubby and I the majority of our down times were because of my profession.  Having had a rather interesting career thus far, which for the most part I am legally obligated to keep secret and not talk about or God forbid write about, I will share with you only the things that won’t land my ass in jail.  During my career I have been required to be away from home a lot.  Sometimes not being allowed to tell my husband where I was going or what I was doing.  He accepted this and I admired him for it as it does take courage for a spouse not to ask questions when you in fact have many.

The worst time in our relationship was when I worked undercover.  I was away from home for a long time and I know my husband was sick with worry knowing that what I was doing was dangerous.  I did however, during that time, check in with him once a day with phone calls telling him that I was still alive and finding out how things were going at home.  This I always did to put his mind at ease and for me to hear a familiar voice.  It was a routine we had for every time I went away and I never missed a phone call.  Well, that’s not true, there was that one time.

While working undercover there was a particularly nasty incident where I got hurt and I did not check in with my husband.  He sat at home waiting for my call that never came.  He was wondering if I was still alive and had no means of contacting me.  Out of fear that something might have happened to me he eventually called a colleague of mine.  He told him that he hasn’t heard from me and asked him how long he has to wait before he should start to get worried.  The colleague told him two days and hubby lost his mind.  At around 10pm that evening I finally manage to speak to him much to his relief.  Later, after I returned home and my undercover operation was concluded I found a letter that he wrote on our computer in which he wrote that he didn’t think our marriage is going to work if I continue to do undercover work.  Consequently, I never worked undercover again.

Another lowlight in our relationship was when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and her passing away nine months later.  It was a particularly difficult time for me.  I have a tendency to withdraw emotionally and tend to keep people at a distance when going through something serious.  I guess I do this to protect myself but unfortunately I then also push away the people who I care about the most.  Hubby did his best to support me and was patient with me which is a very difficult thing to do when he, at that time, must have felt so alone in our marriage.  After my mother’s passing he also embraced our peculiar family traditions when it comes to mourning.  He did not question why we had to cover all the mirrors in the house and why we had to keep a vigil with incense and a candle for seven days after the funeral, he just did it.  Even though I was emotionally unavailable and grief  stricken he was patient with me and gave me all the love and support that I so desperately needed.

Sure there other low lights that we had in our fifteen years together but seeing as my reader’s attention span only allows for a 1500 words I will skip them this time around.  Before I depress you more than a cold cup of coffee let’s move on and get to the highlights, shall we.  Getting legally married must be one of the highlights of the last fifteen years.  Having our union legally recognized not only legitimized our relationship but also shows the world that we are committed to each other.  Certainly it would still be true even without that piece of paper but it is comforting to know that if something would ever happen to either one of us the other will be legally the beneficiary of the other’s estate.  Also, I’d much rather have my husband make the difficult medical decisions should it ever come down to it as opposed to anyone else.  After all he knows me better than I know myself.

Our honey moon in Egypt and all our international travels have been highlights.  Both of us have a keen sense of adventure when it comes to exploring foreign countries.  Even with my OCD travel is the one thing I will never so no to.  Hubby is the best travel companion being the practical one and the voice of reason.  He is also the one that freaks out travel guides and I remember the one time in Egypt when he told our guide to stop at a market that was not on our itinerary.  The guide reluctantly obliged and hubby did not blink an eye as he started surveying the market for bargains.  We eventually split up going in different directions in the market and almost caused the guide to have a complete nervous breakdown much to my amusement.  This is exactly why I love my husband so much.

The fact that my husband also gets my sense of humor, which is dark and dry most of the time, and that he has accepted that I suffer from a severe case of foot-in-mouth disease is a big advantage.  He has many times told me that “I cannot take you anywhere” as I inadvertently always find a way to offend some people.  His journey to accepting this side of who I am is most definitely a highlight for me.  My other idiosyncrasies, of which there are in an abundance, and how they challenge him on a daily basis and his ability to accept them I find more than enduring and makes me love him more every day.

Another major highlight in the last fifteen years is our home.  When we decided to buy a house and move out of our apartment we both knew it would be stressful.  We searched for months to find the perfect home that would meet both our needs.  So when we finally found the perfect house it needed some work to tweak it to what we wanted.  We had to do some breaking down (both the house and our mental states), we had builders and painters in our house and yard and there were a couple of royal fuck ups.  But after a couple of months of renovations, a few meltdowns and me on the bathroom floor crying like an emotionally disturbed child many an evening, most of the renovations are complete and we made it through that time having a stronger marriage, stronger relationship and the almost perfect house.

Fifteen years is a long time to be with the same person.  But when fifteen years feels like five, you know that you have met your soul mate and that you are in this for the long haul.  Sure there will be good times and bad times, rich times and poor times and sickness and health.  But through the highs and the lows if your love is pure you will make it.  Hubby and I almost never fight and I have been asked many times what our secret is and it’s really simple - respect each other.  We have never cursed each other, screamed at each other and even when we are angry as hell and think the other one is being an asshole we still respect each other enough to resolve our differences in a respectful manner.  The myth that gay people cannot have long term relationships is bullshit.  Hubby and I are living proof that gay people can.  So if you are single and reading this, there is hope and you must never give up on love.  Your soul mate is out there.  Here is to another glorious fifteen years of marital bliss.  I love you hubby.

Till next time.

I Have Fallen and I Can’t Get Up

I am not sure what the planets are doing but Uranus must be in retrograde and Saturn is probably on her period.  The last two weeks I have been plagued with bad luck and like they say - bad things always happen in threes.  Well, if that is indeed the case then I should be happy right?  Three bad things have already happened to me, and if that is not enough I possibly will be getting some more bad news in the mail within the next week or so.  It’s always good to have a backup, because that’s how I roll.  So it goes without saying that I am rather depressed at the moment.  You know, in the glass is half empty kind of way.  But before I cause your serotonin and dopamine levels to plummet into the abyss of depression as well, let me tell you what has happened.  After all, if we can’t laugh at the misfortune of others what sort of bitches are we anyway?

It all started two weeks ago in a certain shopping centre’s parking lot which I now call the Parking Lot of Doom.  At the best of times I avoid going there because their parking is a nightmare and their parking spaces are smaller than what they should be. I have measured them! Literally!  I have also scratched my car on their pavement once before and since then I have had a mental block about that place.  So when I decided to stop there after work I was very cautious but when I finally found a parking spot right in front of the shop I wanted to go to, I couldn’t be believe my luck.  I am lazy as shit like that, I hate walking and small things like that makes me happy.  However it wasn’t my lucky day and what was already a bad day was about to get even worse.

As I was turning into the already small parking space which was made even smaller by another asshole with a 4x4 who parked like an idiot I had a boo boo : as I was pulling in trying to squeeze my car into the space I accidentally scratched the car next to me.  The sound of two cars scraping against each other is the most horrible sound one can ever hear.  But seeing as it happened and I was responsible I got out of my car to inspect the damage.

Luckily the damage wasn’t that bad and the other car also just had a few scratches.  As I was waiting for the other car’s driver to return so that we can exchange insurance details my little accident started drawing a swarm of people.  One would have sworn I drove over someone’s puppy as the people came to inspect the damage, whisper among themselves and judge my parking skills.  When the lady eventually returned we had a cordial exchange and told each other how we wished we could have met under better circumstance and went our separate ways.

I have not been back to that shopping centre and their parking lot of doom since.  My car will go in to have the scratches fixed next week and in the mean time I am pretending that it never happened.  Bad luck number two is Facebook related.  I think social media sometimes brings out the worst in people.  I have seen firsthand how people will do and say things on social media that they would never dare do or say in real life.  Since I have been on Facebook I have made some enemies, from homophobic freaks, religious assholes to even some gay people.  Normally it doesn’t really bother me much and I mostly ignore them.  Mostly.  But every so often one of these idiots will do something that annoys the shit out of me and exactly this happened last week.

My Facebook Fan page for my blog has grown steadily and presently it has just over 10 000 likes.  But like I mentioned there are quite a few people who hates me and hates my blog.  Seeing as they cannot destroy my blog and/or kill me they go for option number two – maliciously reporting me to Facebook.  Last week some asshole reported a photo I posted on my Fan Page of a naked man which you could only see from the waist up as offensive.  Then some pimpled face Facebook employee who probably is a Mormon then also felt deeply offended by the fine specimen of the male species and then imposed a 30 day block on my profile.

So for the next 30 days I can only access Facebook but I am not allowed to post.   My Facebook Pages are still being updated, albeit not by me.  I was once also confused by Facebook for being a pornographer because I posted I picture of nuns painting a naked man of which you could only see his ass.  But for that I only received a warning.  This time I am in Facebook jail for a month.  Which led me to ask, is my Facebook Page making you horny?  You don't have to answer me right now, but I invite you to think about.

The third stroke of bad luck happened to me on Monday.  I was sitting in front of my computer working and then decided to get up.  It felt like my foot was asleep, as it often happens because I sit with my legs crossed most of the time.  As I got up I had the strangest sensation in my left leg.  It felt like it wasn’t there and it wasn’t just my foot that was sleeping it was my whole fucking leg.

Being up and desperately trying to steady myself it felt like I was going to bend my leg the wrong way.  You know so that it looks like a dinosaur's hind legs.  Not only would it be painful if I did do that it would have looked creepy as fuck as well. I had no control over my leg and after struggling to stay upright I then fell to the ground like a chopped down tree twisting my ankle and my foot into a very unnatural position.  As I was going down it felt like everything was happening in slow motion and as the ground came closer and closer I was waiting for the sound of something snapping, tearing or popping.

Lying on the ground and not being able to get up our maid came storming towards me.  She had a horrified look on her face and without saying a word she stated pulling on my toes.  Confused, embarrased and in pain I remember wondering what sort of fucked up first aid was she taught.  I mean honestly I possibly broke my ankle and/or foot and she is pulling on my toes.  What. The. Fuck.

After several minutes on the floor I finally regained sensation in my leg and was able to get up.  But as the sensation came back to my leg so did the pain.  The pain level went from a 4 out of 10 to about a 9! That evening my foot and ankle were throbbing and we had no real pain medication in the house.  So I suffered through the night and I hardly slept a wink.  At one point at around 2:30am I wondered how much worse this would have turned out if I had been 70 and fell down the way I did.  I probably would have broken my hip and the thought of this made me really scared of growing old.  For the first time I knew how it felt to have fallen and not being able to get up.  Old people, I respect you so much more now, I really do.

The next day I got some medication from the pharmacy and an ankle guard and I am walking with a limp.  If my ankle and foot do not get significantly better in next couple of days then I will have to go for x-rays at the hospital.  And you all know how a love hospitals.  Three bad things have happened and let’s hope my bad luck is now over.  I am still expecting a speeding fine in the mail but hopefully it never arrives.  In the mean time I am keeping a super low profile, hiding under my blanket of self-pity and resisting overdosing on chocolate.  I am also making sure that my Feng Shui is all balanced.  I mean 3000 years of Chinese art and science should prevent me from experiencing any further bad luck, wouldn’t it?

Till next time.

Screw this, I’m Moving to Mars

All of us sometimes reach the point where we are so tired of all the bullshit that we want to pack up our lives and run away.  You know, those times when work gets to be too much or those times when some idiot pisses you off causing you to have serious doubts about the future of humanity.  Well now there is an opportunity for you to do just that.  Now you can literally leave this planet of assholes behind.  You see a Dutch company has launched Mars One which is a private spaceflight project led by Dutch entrepreneur Bas Landsdorp and they aim at establishing the first permanent human colony on Mars.  AND they want volunteers!  So you, yes you, could be one of two men and two women who will touch down on Mars in ten years time ensuring your place in the history books.  But before you get all excited, there is a catch.  There always fucking are.

Since this project was launched in June of 2012 thousands of people have applied to be the first humans to live on Mars.  Watching some of their videos I do suspect that not all of them truly comprehend the enormity of their decisions.  The catch is that if you are selected, and you do go to Mars, it will be a one way trip.  You will not be coming back.  You will die there, we are just not sure what the timeline will be on  that.  The reason you will not be coming back to earth are twofold:  One, the technology to bring you back does not exist at this time and two, after spending two years on Mars at 38% of earth’s gravity your body would have adjusted to Mars’ gravity and if you were to come back to earth you will instantly die because your body would not be able to tolerate earth’s gravity.  So, if you leave earth you will do so permanently.  

Don’t get me wrong, Mars One does seem like a unique opportunity.  After all on earth there are so much drama and so many fools you have to suffer.  Who wouldn’t want to get away from all of this and emigrate to another planet?  There have been days when I watched the news and secretly thought that the world was going to shit.  It has also crossed my mind that just maybe our galaxy is some science project an alien kid got a D for and now sits on a shelve in his room gathering dust.  All the while we are blissfully unaware of this and we mindlessly continue blowing each other up and destroying our environment.  Just look at North Korea, I swear that one day their Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un will nuke us all!  And if he doesn’t get us some terrorist group will.  In which case if you were on Mars you would be safe.

To be honest I don’t think I would want to leave earth just yet.  There are too many things holding me back.  I mean really, I only recently got hooked on televisions shows like The Walking Dead, True Blood and I really want to see how Revenge will end.  Also, The New Normal and Modern Family are doing groundbreaking work and I feel obliged to watch and support these shows, it’s my duty as a gay man!  Also being a horror movie fanatic I would hate missing all the new movies that are released as I don’t believe there will be much entertainment on Mars.  I also cannot see how I could leave my Zoo behind and I am sure they will not allow hubby and I to take our 5 cats, two bunnies, a tortoise and a fish with us to Mars.  And you know there will be no gay donkeys on Mars either.  So what will be the point of going?  The view?  The bragging rights? I think not.

Mars One states that with this project over a course of a few years, starting in 2023, forty humans will be sent to Mars.  That’s a lot of people.  Say you are one of them and after a couple of months you have a falling out with a few of your fellow Martians, what will you do?  You are stuck there with them, you cannot come home and you definitely can’t go outside without a spacesuit.  You are stuck with those assholes in a confined space for the rest of your life.  Will you be able to handle it?  I wouldn’t.  The other major problem I have is the food issue.  Everyone that will be living on Mars will be vegans.  They won’t have a choice.  I would die if I had to be a vegan.  I love my meat and cheese and I am in love with bacon!  Never being able to eat it again will be like a virtual death sentence or the diet from hell.  This in itself is the one major reason I have not volunteered.  Bacon is preventing me.

Mars is also not the most hospitable planet.  Any number of things can kill you on that planet.  One little mistake and the entire group of people can be wiped out in seconds.  It is also not like if something goes wrong you will be evacuated.  One way or another you are going to die there (I cannot emphasize this enough).  In the event that one of the Martians falls pregnant do we even know if that pregnancy will be successfully carried to full term?  Do we have any idea what that baby will look like?  The one thing we do know for certain is that if this does happen that baby will never be able to come to earth and the child will be well and truly an “alien”.  But let’s not be negative.  With all the uncertainty and enormous risk this project poses it does, in my eyes, show the essence of humanity which is our innate urge to explore and to reach out into the unknown for the advancement of our own species.  This is something to be admired.

Do I think the people who are volunteering to go to Mars are crazy?  Maybe a little but I also admire their courage.  I think this will be one hell of a great experiment for humanity and we will definitely learn a great deal about prolonged space travel and the effect it and low gravity has on the human body.  The only concern I do have is how we as a world family will react if this whole project goes to shit and everyone involves die a slow and agonizing death while we sit here on earth and helplessly watch as it happens.  Will we be able to move forward from such a tragedy?  If this project does succeed how will this change us as human beings having the knowledge that we have conquered space and successfully colonized another planet?  What will we do and where will we go next?  I am left with so many questions…

If you feel like you will make an excellent Martian and want to apply for Mars One, CLICK HERE to apply.  Or you can just go and check out the application videos and judge those people in secret like I do.

Till next time.