Friday Funnies

Because sometimes you need to smile..

Don't Tell Me You're Gay

This week I decided to publish my favorite guest blogger GeeGee Curtained from the Two Fat Cows fame.  She is possibly the biggest Fag Hag this side of the equator and this week she shares with us a few little opinions about drag queens, guys keeping it on the DL (down low), and those queens that are so deep in the closet they would need a team of firefighters to Out them.

Daaarlings!!

As you very well know, I’m a HUGE fan of drag queens because they’re like fuck you butterflies who don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about them and I LOVE my gay friends to pieces – they’re so much fun! I’m not usually one to judge, but seriously dollies, few things irritate me as much as a closet queen. I mean really, who are they kidding? And their wives... oh dolls, their wives... have they been lobotomised or are they so far down that river called denial (not the one in Egypt) that they don’t know their men prefer cock when it’s so painfully obvious to everyone else?

I was sitting in the lounge the other day when an agent brought some people round to view the house when it was still on the market. All I saw through the window was a fabulously flamboyant man limp-wristing, mincing, lisping, prancing and dancing through the garden and I thought “great, done deal, this house is a party palace, perfect for a gay couple... whoohooo” Happy bubble burst 5 minutes later when his wife (!) who looked like a little brown sparrow next to him walked in carrying a baby on her hip. I have a sneaky suspicion that my jaw did actually drop. Now, seriously, the Rabbit Hole downstairs is the best party place and man cave ever, and when the agent showed the man the pub he barely looked at it twice and I swear I could see a speech bubble above his head saying “bitch please, i don’t drink at home, I go cruising for cock”

I had a friend for many years, Himself always said her toes looked like slap chips, but I digress. Anyway, she was dating a man in his 30’s for four years and all he ever did was kiss her. Once. This man took her to see all the best musical theater productions *jazz hands*, took it upon himself to be her stylist, shopped with her at all the best boutiques... wonderful, yes. For a gay best friend. She could never understand why she was told that rule # 1 was Never. Visit. Unannounced. Oh puuuh-lease, that’s because he's having ‘special time’ with his ‘special friends’. Angels, she honestly thought he never tried to put moves on her because he respected her! Poor thing was devastated when he came out to her and to this day she is trying to pray the gay out of him.... Bless!

I have another friend I’ve known for almost 20 years who shall remain nameless – one of my drag queen friends has dubbed him the ‘Jimmy Swaggart Faggot’ because he’s ‘born again’. (By the way, the same drag queen told me he always knows when a potential lover is 'straight' or married if the guy asks him to keep his bra and high heels on in bed...) Anyhoo, for the first 5 years we were friends I accepted him as gay. I did his make-up, we played dress up, great fun. Imagine my surprise when he introduced his girlfriend to us one day, I almost choked on my vodka. So, they get married and they have 2 kids. He swears to me that he’s straight. I pretend to believe him. 3 months ago he’s visiting with us when Hawtentawt comes rushing into the pub with eyes as big as saucers. Mr ‘Straight’ went to stand behind Hawtentawt outside and started fondling his ears, then asked him if they could meet up at Q-Bar – a gay bar here in town! Personally I think Hawts could have taken one for the team so that I could out that fucker once and for all. It just pisses me off that he has huge opinions on homosexuality and religion / adoption / marriage – to the point where we have stand up arguments and then he’s so deeply fucking closeted he hasn’t seen anything but dust bunnies for years!

I guess the moral of the story is be yourself, be true to yourself, respect yourself and the world will do the same back – and if they don’t, well fuck them.

Geexxx

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Gay Bashing at a Gay Club: How Safe Are We Really?

Homophobia and gay bashings are nothing new.  It is sad that it still occurs in this day and age, but unfortunately there are some idiots out there who express their ignorance and crudity through violence that is directed at the LGBT community.  One would never expect that a gay bashing would occur at a gay club or that the perpetrators would be employees of that nightclub.  But this is exactly what allegedly occurred at a nightclub called Rasputin in Pretoria over this weekend.  What makes this incident even worse is the fact that the manager of this nightclub allegedly stood by and watched the assault take place without intervening or even calling the police.  This led me to wonder, how safe are we really at the nightclub Rasputin or any other gay club for that matter.

During the early hours of Saturday morning Pieter Henning was assaulted by two straight men at Rasputin.  The assault was so severe that he was hospitalized and had to undergo surgery.  Judging from the graphic photos that he posted on his Facebook page the assault was vicious.  The alleged perpetrators also kick and damaged his car trying to gain access to the occupants who then finally managed to call the police.  All of this occurred allegedly in plain sight of the club manager, who simply locked the club’s door and watched the assault take place from inside the club, failing to intervene or to call for assistance.

Whether this assault was provoked or not I am not sure, but the level of violence that took place was most certainly unacceptable.  After hearing of this gay bashing I attempted to contact the club owner and manager as I had some questions I wanted to ask them.  Questions like:  why nobody acted to stop the attack; whether they had any security measures to ensure the safety of their patrons; whether the assailants was indeed employees of the club; why they had not implemented any measures to prevent gay bashings at their venue as this was not the first time something like this has happened there; and whether it was true that gay bashings were apparently a frequent occurrence at their establishment.  The club owners did respond but was rather vague which led me to wonder whose responsibility is it really to ensure the safety of patrons at gay venues.

Surely the owners and managers of nightclubs have a responsibility to ensure the safety of their patrons.  We all know that if we enter clubs that we do so at our own risk, but should you suffer an injury that is a direct result of negligence of the club owner, manager or staff should they not be held accountable and forced to take responsibility?  If they are aware of problems and fail to correct them or at the very least not even try and put preventative measures in place, what does that say about what they think about or even feel for their patrons?  Would that be a place you’d feel safe to frequent and spend your hard earned money at?  I think not.

There are many gay clubs out there that make a point of ensuring their patrons are safe.  They do this with bouncers and security guards who at the first hint of trouble would intervene.  Sure they can’t always keep problematic people out because at first they don’t look like trouble and the trouble only starts after a few drinks, but at least they are there.  The other big problem is the fact that gay clubs are not only frequented by gay people, but by straight people too.  Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate heterosexuals who support the LGBT community and they are very welcome at any of our gay establishments.  The problem comes in when straight folks who are in fact severely infected with homophobia go to gay venues not to support us but to make trouble.  I have seen this many times and it never ends well.

The management of Rasputin is holding a meeting on Wednesday to discuss this problem.  They said that they would not get involved in any mudslinging and promised free shooters to all the attendees.  Quite ironic seeing as they blame alcohol for most of the problems they experience there.  I find it rather insulting that a guy must first be gay bashed and end up in hospital before this nightclub would admit that there is problem and instead of fixing the problem they call a meeting.  This seems more like a “let’s soothe the gays and hope they get over it” rather than actually spending money on security, bouncers and keeping out or even firing homophobes.  The management of Rasputin blames the economy for not having any security measures in place such as bouncers, so I guess Pieter Henning should blame the economy too for being gay bashed.

Would I go to Rasputin, well my personal feeling is a resounding NO.  I have a huge problem with spending money at any establishment who do not respect me or my business enough to use some of the money they make off me and my LGBT brothers and sister to ensure our safety.  So how safe are we really when going to gay clubs, well I guess that would largely depend on where you go.  If the nightclub doesn’t have any bouncers, security guards or any other safety measure in place chances are that sooner or later something bad will happen there.  Look, I am not advocating that anyone boycott any establishment, I am only urging you to make informed decisions about where you go and how safe it is.  It’s your choice to make after all.

Till next time.

I Want to be a Skinny Bitch

I have never done well with New Year resolutions, particularly not if they involved food or exercise.  New Year’s resolutions have always seemed to me like a wish list that seemed a good idea at the time, after a few glasses of champagne and some misguided optimism.  To date, I have had a 100% failure rate when it came to sticking to or even seeing through these “resolutions”.  But this year I am determined that it will be different.  You see, I firmly believe that my body is on a 5 year cycle.  I have 5 fat years and then 5 thin years and 2013 is the start of my thin cycle.  I know it sounds strange but trust me it’s true.  I am fat and it is time to fight the bulge and get back into shape.

Gaining weight is sneaky.  It happens gradually and sometimes you hardly notice it.  Yes, you start to realize something is happening when you have to hold your breath when putting on those jeans, when your cat falls off the couch while lying next to you because it’s running out of space and when you are growing a second chin.  But denial is a very powerful weapon in my psychological arsenal as is rationalization.  Over the last three years I have noticed that I was gaining weight but I told myself it was healthy, that nobody likes skinny bitches anyway and that I was only five stomach flues away from my goal weight.  Sure I had to go up a size with my shirts and pants but that’s all part of growing older and being big boned, right?  Well, no!

You see the turning point came a few weeks ago when we had the family over for Christmas lunch.  It was a beautiful day and perfect for lounging next to the pool.  Naturally hubby was taking pictures, as he always does, but what I didn’t know was that I was in a few of those pictures.  When I decided to look through those festive photos I got the shock of my life.  I was horrified to see myself sitting on the couch, shirtless looking like an albino whale.  I almost died.  So I deleted it.  But that was not the worst of it.  A few days ago, while in the pool hubby pointed out my belly button.  I will not nauseate you with the graphic details but suffice to say it was an eye opener.  At this point I started resenting the pool as I was convinced that only bad things and terrible revelations are made there.

Having had my go to option of denial shattered into little fat pieces I did the only thing I could at the time.  I sat on the shower floor and cried like a little disturbed child who just survived Chernobyl.  All those crisps, chocolates, cheeses, breads, hotdogs and fries that I ate flashed in front of my eyes and the shower water rained down on me like a calorie hail storm.  I had nobody to blame but myself for the extra of me there was to love.  I had to make peace with the fact that I was fat and I had to decide what I was going to do about it.  Am I going to let myself go, become morbidly obese and possibly develop diabetes and get heart problems?  Or am I going to put my big girl panties on and do something about it.  It may seem like a clear cut decision, but I promise you it wasn’t.

The only things in life I hate more than homophobic religious nut cases are diets and exercise.  Both feel like punishment and both make me cranky as fuck!  You can’t tell me that there are actually people out there that like being hungry and tired all the time and that they do it to themselves on purpose.  I also don’t like to sweat and I despise rice cakes.  But, hey if I want to lose the extra Backstreet Boy that I gained over the last few years I don’t have much of a choice, now do I?  So I decided that I was not going to “let myself go” and that I would hire a personal trainer, go see a dietician and loose the weight.  But that is easier said than done.

You see I am one stubborn bitch and if I am getting a personal trainer that person must have a strong personality and have a high tolerance for whining, bitching, moaning and possibly crying.  I need a person who will be able to push me, motivate me, put me in my place and be able to tell me to suck it up and shut up.  In other words I need a bitch with compassion.  I am sure you are out there somewhere!  I have realistic expectations and I know that I won’t lose all the results of my shameful culinary gluttony in a month or even two months, but the important thing is that I just need to get started.  I also don’t expect to have the body of a Greek God in six months but God knows I will try.

So let’s all agree that this is NOT a New Year’s resolution but rather a lifestyle adjustment, an investment in my health and an attempt to reconcile my negative perception of our pool of shame.  They say nothing looks as good as skinny feels.  I haven’t been skinny in 15 years so I kind of forgot if that is true.  Next week the hunt for a personal trainer starts and my diet commences.  If you eat anything delicious looking near me expect a filthy stare and if you see a cranky sweaty bitch it will probably be me.

Till next time.

Sam Jensen. Remember his name.

A while back GeeGee Curtained sent me a link to a music track and insisted that I listen to it.  She told me that she discovered a new up and coming talent and she was very enthusiastic to share her find.  I had the opportunity to listen to Sam Jensen's "Living in the now" and it reminded me of a very special New Year's Eve I had on the island of Madagascar. It's rare that music you have never heard before can take you on a journey and allow you to reminisce and recall such incomparable memories. I then realized that GeeGee was right, she indeed made a discovery of a young and very talented man and I am thrilled to share her interview with Sam Jensen on my blog with you today.

What inspired you to compose and record ‘Day Dreams Last Forever’?

Yay an interview! Well I’ve enjoyed making music since I was a small boy playing with broken tape recorders, to now with my little studio setup with computers, synthesizers and recording instruments and equipment. For my last album, Daydreams Last Forever, I listened to some of the music around me that inspired me, like some of the successful Dance and Trance DJ’s like David Guetta, Avicii or DJ Tiesto, and made some music of my own. I’ve always been a dreamer, so I thought the album name Daydreams Last Forever was appropriate for that Trancey Dancey ‘let-the-music-take-me-away’ sound I was going for. Each song I listened to many times over and went back to my studio to keep changing it until I felt 100% happy with every moment. So I hope people listening feel the love I put into each note.

Where does your passion for music come from?

I don’t really know. I guess it’s partially genetic.  Lots of music genes in my family. Or maybe it started when I was 5, when my dad would sit me in front of the record player and play classical pieces and we would imagine stories to each piece of music we were hearing. And as the music got more intense, so would our imagination! Also in High School when I remixed the sacred school song into a disco version for fun, and sang it in assembly on the last day of school, seeing the whole school stand up and applaud and cheer,  made me think I want more of that in my life!

When did you start dj’ing and how old are you now?

I’m 28. They say I look 24. Although sometimes I feel 42 when work gets hectic. I only started DJ’ing recently. I always thought DJ’ing was ‘too easy’ because you just play other people’s music. But now I’m learning there’s a skill behind reading the crowd and playing the right songs at the right time.

Where do you see your love of music taking you?

I’m hoping for a hit on the radio one of these days, and hopefully someday I’ll tour around if people like my music. And if they don’t, I’ll just work harder.

What equipment do you use and do you have a studio at home?

I have a home studio, where most of the work is done on my computer. I use Reason 4 to make the drums, bass, synths and other music sounds. Then I have keyboards and guitars which I use to add layers of extra music, and I use Protools 9 to record the singers and do the final mastering.

Do you have any advice to give aspiring composers/dj’s like yourself?

Yes. “Just start!” So many composers are “waiting for inspiration” or waiting to buy some piece of equipment or software first before they start. They love to call themselves “Producers” at the pubs and have blingy profile pics on Facebook, but they’ve never finished one song! The truth is: your first song will sound crap. But your 99^th song will sound brilliant, no matter what gear you’re using. So you just need to get cracking . . . today!

Do you have a day job or do you dj full time and where can your fans hear you play?

I’m a qualified electrician by day. I work for myself. That pays my rent, and has been paying for the music production up to now. That’s right. My last CD cost me thousands of rands for singers and CD printing etc, and I had to do it in the evenings after long days of electrical work. So people who say they want to also make music “but they have JOBS” don’t really have an excuse. I’m DJ’ing next on New Year’s Eve at the Worcester Yacht Club. Going to be a blast!

Are you available to play private gigs?

I’m always contactable on my email, sam@musicsoundtracks.co.za, and my DJ’s gigs and range in price depending on how much equipment and lights I must rig up, or if it’s already provided.

Where can we buy your new cd?

It can be ordered through me directly via my email, or on my Facebook, and I’ll post a copy.

Some of your new fans want to know if you’re single?

Haha. Yes, I’m single. I’ve been in a few relationships, but people struggle to relate to me because I’m such a dreamer. And I don’t want people holding me back. So single for now it is.

What are the top 5 songs you listen to on your iPod right now?

1)      Psy - Gangnam Style

2)      Avicii – Levels (ooh ooh sometimes I get a good feeling . . .yeah!)

3)      Mark Knight – Downpipe

4)      One Direction – What makes you Beautiful

5)      Taio Cruz – Dynamite

What’s your favourite cocktail?

The Sam Jensen Cocktail, at this point in time, is Brandy and Coke with lots of ice and a dash of Monster Energy Drink in it. Not sure if you can call that a cocktail, but it sure works for me!

Thanks for your time to interview me, GeeGee. Was great fun!

Sam also sent me 2 links for your listening pleasure with the message 'That'll get 'em bouncing...' Hehehe... Gotta love him, right? 

For a Dance song click here: Living in the now

For a Trance song click here: Dew Drops

No review would be complete without some feedback so I asked a few people for their opinion on his music and this is what they said:

'We love to party and we love dance music, we also have a soft spot for local DJ's and hot new talent and what Sam Jensen has to offer definitely didn't disappoint!  He's got talent, and buckets of it! We look forward to seeing what's next from Sam!' - The Modern L

'It's not hard to listen to at all... Very summery, on the beach. I could also imagine it as part of a movie/TV soundtrack.' - Author Devon Marshall

'His sound is unique, certainly a fresh sound coming out of South Africa. Not copying music from what I have heard locally or internationally...' - Dj LeatherSatyr

'Very cool, I'd be interested in hearing some more of his stuff, I personally like it a bit harder and darker.  I am also looking for someone to write some new dance music for me and Sam will be hearing from me' - Terry Tiger Victor

 'Sam Jensen is so one of the best upcoming young dj's I have heard in a long time... I talked GeeGee into loaning me that CD for the 'weekend' and it's stuck in my car radio.  Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!  I just wonder who's going to pay all the speeding fines I'm sure are coming my way - Sam's music has a way of  giving me a lead foot!' - Shannon Stacey

 'A very fresh and clear cut sound. Its high tempo that is easy to listen to and at the same time, great music that gets your heart pumping and your feet moving.' - Rowan Pounce Poole