What Straight Folks Should Know

Believe it or not, but I deal with a lot of heterosexual people on a daily basis.  Call it an occupational hazard if you will.  You see, I am not lucky enough to work in a queer dominated environment and some days are harder than others for this lone homosexual.  But I somehow always seem to make it through the day, most times, only partially unscathed.  So in an effort to make our coexistence with our straight folk more amiable, this Feigele decided to come up with a few handy hints for heterosexuals when meeting and/or interacting with queer folk.

The average heterosexual who has never interacted with or met a homosexual could display behavior very similar to that of a cat when introduced to another feline for the very first time.  The heterosexual could feel anxious, threatened and could even display territorial behavior.  This is normal.  When faced with this situation it is important to fight the urge to run screaming from the room.  This is rude and will only agitate the homosexual.  It’s better to rather just back away facing the homosexual and to do so slowly and with discretion.

Not all heterosexuals feel the urge to flee at the sight of homosexuals as some find us quite intriguing.  Unfortunately these are also usually the same individuals who are inherently narcissistic.  These are the type of people who believe that everything with a pulse is sexually attracted to them.  When it comes to homosexuals do not assume that all homosexuals are attracted to you or want to get into your pants.

The typical homosexual has very specific and high standards and chances are good that you don’t meet or even come close to them.  On the flip side, also do not assume that the homosexual is not attracted to you.  Sure this sounds confusing, and it really is, but homosexuals are notoriously fickle and changing our minds on a whim is our thing.  Besides if the homosexual is horny standards tend to go by the waste side anyway.  So to be on the safe side all heterosexuals should always carry with them some KY and condoms.

One of the most common mistakes the average heterosexual make is to assume that the homosexual is as excited about meeting a “heterosexual” as you are to meet an actual gay person.  We are not!  Most of us were raised by heterosexuals and are /or have been in psychotherapy as a result of this.  Besides before artificial insemination where the hell do you think we came from?  The planet Homo?

When meeting your very first homosexual try to contain your excitement, speak softly and in a low voice and if at all possible try and make as little direct eye contact as possible.  Physical contact and sudden movements should also be avoided and as soon as the homosexual looks bored it is your signal to leave.  When departing it is again important that you slowly and discreetly back away facing the homosexual and also make sure that all reflective surfaces and shiny jewelry on your person is concealed.

One thing guaranteed to annoy the homosexual is when a heterosexual, upon meeting the homosexual, immediately start talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife as to make it clear that they are straight.  If you feel so strongly about your heterosexuality and that the world should know that you are straight why don’t you just carry a sign around your neck?

In such situations don’t be shocked if the homosexual start making a high pitched yodeling sound.  This is the homosexual’s gaydar being activated to verify your heterosexuality.  Homosexuals are trying to phase out brokeback marriages and any straight person so adamant about flaunting their sexual orientation will draw suspicion and warrant closer inspection.  This could see your name ending up on our recruitment list.  Good for us, not so good for you.

The average heterosexual when meeting a gay person for the first time understandably may have many questions.  But before you ask any question first ask yourself this “Would it not be better to rather Google it?”  After all you would not want to embarrass yourself by asking stupid questions like “How did you get gay?  So who’s the man and who’s the woman?  When did you choose to be gay?”

You will immediately know when you have asked a stupid question because the homosexual will roll his eyes, lift up his hand, swing in with a head bob and berate you for half an hour.  It will feel a bit like you are being psychologically mauled by a wild animal and being told off by an intelligent crack whore.  Either way, it won’t be fun, you will be guaranteed not to make the same mistake twice and in some instance you may also require a tetanus shot or two.

Another common assumption the average heterosexual make is that all homosexuals are dying to talk about being gay.  It’s not like all queers have received formal Public Relations training from Queer HQ and it is their jobs to promote our fabulous lifestyle.  That’s why we have television, the internet and propaganda.

But also don’t assume or expect the homosexual not to talk about being gay.  You may have just run into one of the queers that have received PR training from Queer HQ.  In such an instance your attempts to change the topic of conversation will be interpreted as a sign of hostility and as a result you will be placed onto our Watch List.  And believe you me, you do NOT want to be on our Watch List!

The last tip for the average heterosexual when meeting a homosexual for the first time is to not trivialize our experience by assuming it is just about sex.  We are gay 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and we take our homosexuality very seriously.  If you trivialize our experience we will make you feel like you are hung like a Tic Tac and will in all probability end up calling you a Breeder or worse.  If the homosexual in that situation also has not had sex in while you could possibly be on the receiving end of physical violence or at the very least – a bitch slap!

If you are straight and read this whole article up to here, you have taken your first step to becoming a better heterosexual.  You should immediately go stand in front of the mirror and say that you are proud of yourself.  Then go out in public and hug the first homosexual you see and give some cash to PFLAG.

It’s not difficult getting along with us queers as long as you stick to these handy hints and guidelines.  If more straight folks do, the world would be a gayer place and who knows, maybe one day when we succeed in our devious plan for world domination we may even re-consider our position on heterosexuals and slavery.  Remember the homosexual may forgive but the homosexual never forgets so it is best not to piss us off.

Till next time.

How to deal with Telemarketers

There’s nobody in the world that I hate more than telemarketers (apart from homophobes that is).  Telemarketers are a special breed of persistent fuckers who invade your privacy always trying to sell you shit you don’t really need OR want.  Having had to deal with a telemarketer just yesterday who tried to sell me a second cell phone contract, I can honestly say that at that exact moment I would not have minded if they all caught a hideous disease and died.  But, not being a bad person I believe that not anyone, not even telemarketers (with the exclusion of Robert Mugabe who is a dick), should suffer a protracted painful death from pestilence.  So, instead I thought of sharing with you a few creative ways on how to quickly and easily get rid of that irksome telemarketer.

People always look at you funny if you have two cell phones.  I should know as I carried two cell phones for well over five years.  People automatically assume that you are either busy with some dodgy business dealings or cheating on your husband.  In my case it was neither.  So when a telemarketer tried to sell me a second cell phone contract yesterday I decided to have some fun with it.  “Is the phone I am going to get traceable?” I asked.  “What do you mean with traceable sir?” the telemarketer wanted to know.

“I mean can the coppers find out where I am through my phone?  Can my calls be intercepted and traced?” I answered in an inquisitive but restless voice.  “Uhm… uhm…” the telemarketer pondered.  “You see I frequently make calls from my various methlabs and I also pimp whores with my phones, and when I need to ship my heroin from Afghanistan and Pakistan I need to call Al Qaeda to confirm payments. I CANNOT afford to have a phone or contract that can ruin my businesses!  Do you understand?” I zealously explained.  An uncomfortable silence followed and the telemarketer hung up without saying a word.

We are far too nice to telemarketers in my opinion.  I don’t know why we just don’t hang up straight away after a telemarketer identifies himself.  Why do we always think that we owe it to a complete stranger on the other end to hear them out or be polite to a person that clearly is invading our privacy?  Why do we need to explain ourselves or explain to a complete stranger why we don’t want to buy the shit they’re selling?  We do this because unlike telemarketers we are not robotic leaches who are thick skinned and work off a set script designed to break people down and mind fuck them into submission.  But don’t fret, I am here to help.

I have thought about some anti-telemarketer techniques long and hard over the last few years and thought it’s time to share some of my tried and tested methods with you here today.  One of my favorites is the “I place your ass on hold forever” trick.  Look they phoned you, not the other way around.  The next time a telemarketer phones you politely ask them to hold the line, place them on hold without hanging up and go about your business.  If you get bored, pick up the phone again and say “Sorry about that.  Oh darnit, please hold again” and repeat until they hang up.

Another technique I love using is the “I am super paranoid and probably a serial killer” trick.  This usually throws the telemarketer off their game.  It is really simple and consists out of asking the telemarketer a series of question.  You simply need to ask the telemarketer where he got your number, how he knows your name, whether he told anyone he was phoning you, if he’s going to tell anyone that he spoke to you, what he looks like, how he’s build, how much he weighs, where his office is, what car he drives, where he lives, whether he lives alone and if he has any pets like big dogs.  Also don’t forget to ask him if he has any fava beans and a nice chianti at his house or if you should bring your own.  It is guaranteed to freak them out every time!

If you are in the mood for a little telemarketing yourself you can always use the “Want to buy my shit?” technique.  It is straightforward.  Counter sell to him and give the telemarketer a bit of his own medicine.  Use the opportunity to promote your company’s products (if you have any), try and get rid of that old treadmill you never use, your neighbors’ dogs, your old S&M swing, your kidney or even try and sell your sperm to him and let him explain why he doesn’t need or want it and then convince him that he’s wrong.  It really is fun and you should try it at least once.

Then there is the “Free psychotherapy” technique.  We all sometimes need to talk to someone about our crap day at work, the last fight you had with your husband or sibling, so why not share it with a complete stranger.  “I am so glad you called.  I have been waiting all day for someone to ask me how I am doing” and then let it rip, off load all your problems and don’t be shy.  I promise you he really wants to know about your premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, incontinence and bowel movement as much as you want to know about whatever he is trying to sell you.

When you are alone, bored and feeling a little frisky you can always try the “Let’s talk dirty” technique.  Telemarketers never know how to handle this and like some men in the sack this will not last longer than approximately three minutes.  You can start off by telling the person on the other end that he has a really sexy voice and then proceed to ask him what he’s wearing.  Heavy breathing is optional and remember even if he doesn’t ask you what you are wearing tell him anyway because deep down you know he really does want to know.

The last but most definitely NOT the least is Cut the Call.  You will know it is a telemarketer that called you within the first couple of seconds.  Hang up immediately.  You don’t owe the fuckers anything and remember what he is doing is probably illegal anyway (at least in South Africa it is).  If you wanted to buy whatever the fuck he’s selling, you would have contacted him!  If he calls back hang up again until he gets the picture.

Sure some of the techniques I explained here may lead to the police contacting you, but what the hell, it is fun and you only live once right?  It is not like you are breaking the law or anything.  But if you really do have a methlab, smuggling Al Qaeda’s heroin, illegally operating a brothel or are a serial killer, do me one big favor – please make sure you delete you browser history after reading this because I do not want any trouble.  I really don’t. OK?

Till next time.

The Help

It is really hard to find good help these days.  During the last 26 months hubby and I had a total of 5 housekeepers all of whom we had to fire for various reasons.  That amounts to about one housekeeper every 5.2 months.  It’s exhausting and not allot of fun, especially not for me seeing as I had to do most of the firing.  Having just sacked our latest housekeeper yesterday and with the new one starting tomorrow I could not help but wonder, is it really that difficult to find good help now days or are we just impossible bitches to work for?

 

Looking back at some of the housekeepers we had over the last two years I can’t believe that we put up with half the shit we had to deal with.  One housekeeper that we had the longest drove me especially crazy.  She was an older lady that seemed to be a good worker, but as the weeks went by her nosy, meddling and manipulative nature emerged.  It even reached a point where we ended up hiding things from her.

You see, the sleuth was obsessed with how much stuff cost and she had a keen eye for spotting anything in the house that was new.  If she spotted something, no matter how inconspicuous, she would rummage through the trash looking for the item’s receipt.  Then she would make a point of letting you know she had spotted the new item and would comment on how expensive it was and how she wished she could have nice things to.  It drove me fucking mad!

It reached the point where we actively started feeling guilty whenever we bought anything.  In an effort to avoid this we started hiding and/or shredding receipts in our own home.  Did this stop her?  No!  Whenever she could not find a receipt she would simply ask us how much we spent on whatever we bought and telling her it was none of her business didn’t stop her either.  And then there was her destructive side.

She would break stuff and then hide it.  The first couple of times we concluded that it was an accident, but when the instances became more frequent it became a problem.  The final straw was when she broke an artifact that I paid a boatload of money for in Egypt and an antique perfume bottle that hubby inherited from his grandmother which she inherited from her grandmother.  Both items were irreplaceable and almost priceless.  So we fired her.  Later we learned that she had a drinking problem and the reason she broke so much stuff was because she was plastered at work.

Then there was the bitch.  After the nosy boozer was fired we hired a new lady and right from the start my gut told me she was bad news.  It wasn’t until week 2 that my gut feeling was confirmed.  The bitch would do small things that showed her passive aggression.  For instance, instead of putting our chef knives back in their knife block she would dump them all in a drawer; knives, forks and spoons would be thrown in drawers haphazardly, not taking any time to even try and look like she made any effort of separating them and placing them in their proper places.  What was even worse was her bad attitude.

The bitch would arrive at work always looking miserable and she would never greet us properly unless she wanted something.  On more than one occasion when we did not give her what she wanted she would say something sarcastic and rolled her eyes at us.  Having had to deal with her was like visiting the dentist for a root canal.

At one point hubby and I even started fighting because neither one of us wanted to talk to her as she had a special talent for ruining your day.  This went on for 4 months until the one day when I had enough and she rolled her eyes at me for the last time.  I fired her impertinent ass and it felt good.  There is only room for one bitch in my house and that bitch is me!

The latest housekeeper that I fired replaced the bitch.  The first day she arrived for work hubby took her through the house and took time explaining what was expected of her.  His exact words were “I expect the house to be clean.” To which she responded “Yes, the house is clean.”  At that stage we didn’t have a maid for almost two weeks and the house was NOT clean.  We should have known right there and then it wasn’t going to end well.

Our house has not been clean for just over 3 months.  The sloth seemed incapable of doing anything properly.  Hubby would talk to her, leave her notes and even got down on his hands and knees multiple times and showed her how to clean certain things.  We would ask her to do something and then she would do it once and never again after that.

Hubby even considered leaving post it notes all over the house with instructions for her with one note on the dining room table that would read “There are 123 post it notes in the house.  Find them!”.  It felt like she needed constant reminders to do her work and at one stage I thought she might be a brainless zombie.  The cats hated her as well.  We never did the post it notes though, it seemed like it would have been a waste of paper.

After giving the sloth warnings and putting her back on probation hubby wanted to fire her, but I felt sorry for her and wanted to give her one last chance.  So on Tuesday morning I had a talk with her.  I explained to her that we were not happy, the house wasn’t cleaned properly and that I know that she leaves work at 12pm, and occasionally at 1pm, and that we were not paying her to work half day.

I showed her the sand that accumulated under the carpets, the dust, cat hair and crumbs under the cushions of the sofa, the thick dust on the portraits.  I spent a good hour talking to her and showing her evidence of her mediocre work.  She was told that this was her absolute last chance and that the next time I needed to speak to her she would be fired.

The sloth seemed to understand the gravity of her predicament and as I left for work I was confident that things would improve.  She did ask me whether I was going to do inspections and I said I would.  After work I arrived home and was delighted to find her still there.  I took it as a good sign so I didn’t do my inspection straight away.  After she left I decided to check and was horrified.  She vacuumed under only 2 of the 6 sofa cushions, there was still sand under the carpets and only one of the portraits was dusted (the one that I used as an example).  I called her back and she was fired.  I don’t know how Donald Trump does it every week.

We are now on housekeeper 6 and I hope the 6^th time is the charm.  I don’t think we are nasty bitches or bad to work for.  We don’t ask for much, all we ask for is to have our house cleaned properly twice a week.  We don’t expect miracles or to be able to see God’s reflection in the floor tiles or to blind astronauts in space with our cutlery.  It would be nice, but we have realistic expectations and let’s hope maid number 6 lives up to them.  I do not want to fire another one.

Till next time.

Russia: Don’t Go There.

Lawmakers in Russia just passed a draconian censorship law that would impose stiff fines for anything construed as "the promotion of homosexuality" in Saint Petersburg, Russia's second largest city. Reading, writing, speaking or reporting on anything related to gay, lesbian bi or trans (LGBT) people would become a criminal act. This ban on "promotion" would also target Pride parades, literature, theater, or NGOs that openly serve LGBT people.  All Out, a community of almost a million people around the world fighting for full equality, made a little video to send the Governor a message. Pass this law - We Won't Go There.