One of the reasons I love Facebook is the fact that some days real life soap operas play out on my timeline. Not the kind that you see on television, the scripted ones with the predictable story lines. No, this is real shit with real people who just prove that sometimes reality really is stranger than fiction. What played out this week was classic Jerry Springer material and it involved two gay guys, a fag hag and a cock block of epic proportions. You just can’t make shit like this up, so let me tell you what happened.
There I was sitting in my office sick with the flue and feeling like one of my cats’ coughed up fur ball Kardasians when I opened up my Facebook. Having over 5000 Facebook friends my timeline is normally quite busy and I am sure I miss 90% of what is going on with them. Fully expecting some funny pictures and the odd lunch update or pet photo I was not expecting to stumble across drama. But that is just what happened. This was not the normal drama one would expect of a moody queer just ranting; this was drama that is sure to end up with someone being sued.
You see, one of my Facebook friends updated his status and I had to read it twice to make sure I read it correctly. He said that his best friend since grade five, and up until a day ago also his fag hag, did something horrible. That fat bitch impregnated herself with his lover of two year’s sperm. Yes people, she knocked herself up with his boyfriend’s baby! As if that was not bad enough she did all of this behind his back because she knew he would have a fucking melt down, which he clearly did when he found out. And you know us queers we can through a motherfucking tantrum when we are upset.
Apparently miss fatal attraction and psycho fag hag went behind his back and convinced his boyfriend to jerk off into a cup. He clearly had some reservations about what he was about to do, so miss pork chop went and changed her doctor’s appointment to an earlier time. As soon as she had the boyfriend’s cum in her chubby little hands she jumped into her bitch automobile headed to the doctor’s office, spread her thunder thighs and got knocked up before the boyfriend could change his mind. Now the fag hag from hell is with child and my Facebook friend is single. That would have pissed me off too, wouldn’t it you?
I mean really. Has this sperm and boyfriend thieving bitch not hear of a sperm bank before? I know she’s really fat, but I am sure there are desperate men out there who would have knocked her up for free after a couple of drinks. She lives in the East Rand after all. What is wrong with that woman, was she really that desperate to get pregnant and if she was, why fuck up another couple’s two year relationship to do so? The bitch must be crazy.
All this fag hag breeder drama left me with some very important questions: If you are in a long term committed relationship must we now also worry that some crazy bitch will steal our husbands’/boyfriends’ sperm? Is this now going to become a thing? Should we all go for vasectomies? Should we all have our fag hags sent for psychological testing to make sure they are mentally stable? Should your first question when taking on a new fag hag be – do you want to have children? This is frightening to say the least.
Well, all this drama played out on Facebook this week and today I saw all the posts were removed. I am sure there are now some legal drama going on with restraining orders and possibly criminal charges. It’s not like the psycho fag hag can be forced to have an abortion and in nine months a poor child will be birthed by that woman. I feel sorry for that baby and I am not sure whether mommy will be honest about how he/she was conceived should the child ever ask her. She does not seem like the honest type.
As for my Facebook friend, he is not doing so well. He is fucking angry as he should be. As for his relationship, well it is pretty much over. This truly was the meanest and most fucked up cock block I have ever heard off in my life. But let this be a lesson to all of us, be careful who you allow into your life, some people can really fuck things up!
Till next time.