As if it is not bad enough that hubby and I share our house with prolific serial killers, we inadvertently introduced a new problem into our home. A problem so shameful, sinful and grave that it requires an urgent and decisive intervention. You see, unbeknown to us our sweet, cute and cuddly bunnies have a dark secret; a secret so dark that they had to hide it from us. But when their urges overcame them their secret was no longer safe and we were mortified when it came out. The cat is now out of the bag, so to speak, and we now sit with a problem that’s not only embarrassing when house guests come to visit but it is also traumatizing us and the cats. Our bunnies are sex addicts.
Before I got the bunnies I did some extensive research on Google. I wanted to make sure I knew everything there was to know about bunnies, their health, diet, behavior and any possible problems and challenges that were associated with them. After doing my research I was fairly convinced that I knew enough to be a good bunny parent. Sure, since we had them they chewed off wires, peed on me, almost destroyed my iPad and virtually decimated our succulent garden but that was acceptable. It was our own fault that they did that anyway because we did not bunny proof the house thoroughly, underfed them with hay and they were still in the process of being potty trained. But who knew that things could get worse.
After Alexi’s fatal accident hubby and I decided to replace him with another companion for our little girl. After all bunnies are social animals. We wanted to make sure that the new companion was a boy, as two homosexuals in one house are quite enough. So when we brought him home it took the pair a day or two to develop a friendship and then forge a strong bond. Then on one fateful Sunday morning it happened – their hormones kicked in. They started to shag and shag and shag. I soon came to realize why there is a term like “fucking like bunnies”. Their sex drive and stamina would make even a seasoned porn star or crack whore morbidly jealous. Then came another problem - the strong probability that we might have a litter of rabbit kits.
Being way too young to become grandparents, hubby and I decided to make sure that the bunnies were indeed a boy and a girl. So I Google’d bunny genitalia (my search history is really weird people) to make sure I knew the difference. And lo and behold we shockingly discovered that we had two boys and that our bunnies were gay. I almost fainted. At the same time I was relieved seeing as I thought it would now no longer be necessary to neuter them unless they became aggressive towards one another. But I was wrong on so many levels.
You see, our bunnies developed a new routine that mostly consisted out of sex, eating and sleeping. But mostly sex. What makes this bad is the fact that they chose to not only have sex with each other, taking turns to fuck each other, to 69 and some other bizarre sexual move which I have never seen or experienced myself before, but they decided that everyone and everything else in our house and property were fair game for a gang bang. They have tried to shag all our cats, the tortoise, some objects in the garden, my shoes, slipper, two teddy bears, the scatter cushions, remote controls, my iPhone, iPad and hairbrushes, to mention but a few. But the attempted rapes of us and the cats are really the problem.
Out of our five cats only two of them have ever had sex in their lives; the other three are/were virgins. The first time the bunnies tried to have sex with Boris he was understandably confused, but when he was almost penetrated by one of the bunnies and had his face shoved in the other one’s private parts he soon realized that he did not like what was happening and he fled. Now every time the bunnies see him they storm him and I can swear the bunnies are talking in German when they do this. Over the weekend the bunnies also tried to rape one of our older cats who is going slightly blind. Not being a virgin she knew exactly what they were trying and it ended up with her losing a patch of her fur.
The situation is now so dire that Killer Pussy makes her way around the house never once touching the floor and Boris is a nervous wreck and hides in the bedroom when we are not around to protect him. All five cats have been molested by the bunnies in one way or another and the bunnies are not gentle lovers either, I strongly suspect that they are into some hectic S&M and shit. Just this morning one bunny was violently banging the cage almost ripping the door open while the other one was banging him from behind. Our bunnies’ sex live is making ours look woefully inadequate, so it seems the bunnies are trying to fix that.
You see the bunnies have tried to hump us as well. Normally we can defuse the situation without too much effort but they are sneaky fucks and they will get you when you least expect it. Just the other Saturday morning one of the bunnies had his way with me. It was around 8am in the morning and hubby was up and doing what he usually does on a Saturday morning, but he made one crucial error – he left the bedroom door open. We keep it closed because the bedroom is not bunny proofed. Shortly after eight I felt someone tapping my shoulder. I thought it was hubby trying to wake me up and I recall mumbling “It’s Saturday, let me sleep”, but the tapping continued. So I eventually opened up my eyes to find a bunny raping my shoulder. I felt abused, dirty and ashamed.
After everyone and everything thing in our house having been sexually abused by the bunnies we decided that this could not continue any longer. The Sodom and Gomorrah with its debauchery needs to end or else our whole household will go to hell and/or will become the bunnies’ sex slaves. So, I made an appointment with a vet who specializes in bunny sterilization and the bunnies are getting “altered” next week. I hope this will finally put an end to the rapes, sexual assaults and molestations. Hopefully after the surgery the bunnies will focus their attention on things other than sex and that we can go about our daily lives without being afraid of being gang banged. I don’t want to be a bunny’s bitch anymore.
Till next time.