Clown Porn: The Circus is Cuming to Town!

You know what they say about men with big feet, is the same true of clowns? Well, just the other day this disturbing conundrum was forced into my psyche by one of my loyal and well meaning blog readers. This led me teetering down an upsetting path of discovery of just how bizarre human sexual fetishes can be. I never knew it existed and now that I do, my coulrophobia has spring into overdrive!

I have written about strange sexual fetishes before: Golden showers, Belgium Chocolate, S&M, Scarfing, Furring, Fisting, to mention but a few. They are weird, unhygienic, could possibly be dangerous and attracts a selected few individuals who just can’t get aroused or shoot their load if they’re not being peed on, defecated on, strangled, whipped or chained. But now Bozo the Clown seems to have stepped out of the Circus Ring and into the Porn Studio where he has swapped squirting water into people’s faces to squirting bodily fluids from things other than fake flowers.

Yes it’s true! There is such a thing as Clown Porn as I wincingly discovered. You see after receiving an e-mail from one of my readers I decided to go to Google. I changed my search setting from "vanilla" to "hardcore", went to image search, typed in “Clown Porn” and pressed enter. What appeared on my screen was more unsettling than the movie IT by Stephen King. Bozo the clown, Coco, Scruffy and others lost their innocence and were doing nasty things, sexual things and things clowns really should not be seen doing or be seen having done to them.

Personally, I have never liked clowns, they freak me out and I am scared to death of them! I have always thought there was something macabre and evil about clowns and now I am certain. After all you never quite really know what the person behind the makeup looks like, what true feelings or urges they are masking behind their silly acts and what their true motives are behind those chilling laughs. I have never trusted clowns and not in my wildest imagination (and it gets pretty wild sometimes) did I think off clowns as ever being sexual or God forbid – SEXY!

But, evidently there are people who do see clowns as sexual objects and are aroused by them. There are people with twisted circus erotic fantasies and people who want to do unspeakable things to Bozo the clown and have him do unmentionable things to them. Maybe they enjoyed the circus a little too much as children. Maybe instead of reading Playboy or Playgirl they got off by watching clowns perform and misguidedly misinterpreted it as burlesque shows. It is wrong and twisted on so many levels that I can’t even begin to fathom it!

I take solace in the fact that this clown fetish phenomenon is currently largely a niche and heterosexual thing. However, I suspect it’s not long before a Gay Clown Porn movie is made. I for one most certainly would not have any interest, whatsoever, to watch it, as I would have nightmares for months or even years to come. I can’t even imagine what the story line and setting of such a queer film would be. The circus seems too obvious and a children’s party would just be wrong and not to mention illegal. Would Bozo venture into plumbing, mechanics, the army, a sexy camping trip or be kidnapped by sexy Amazon men? Or would poor old Bozo be lost in the streets looking for his circus tent and then be sexually exploited by a bunch of street thugs? Who knows, the possibilities are endless.  And the thought troubling. 

As disturbing as this is to me, I wonder how the clown community feels about this. Are they livid and disgusted too? Having almost been blinded and made nauseous by my Google Image search, I proceeded to do a normal Internet search on Clown Porn, for the purpose of being thorough. There actually is a website called “Stop Clown Porn Now”. Naively I visited their website, thinking the creator(s) would have been just as appalled as I was. But, on closer inspection, their website was nothing more than a Clown Porn Directory disguised as something else. Clearly Clown Porn freaks have a twisted sense of humour, is shrewd and this led me to my next puzzling question.

How do you know if your lover is a Clown Porn Freak? In all probability the first tell tale sign would be if he gets super excited when he hears the circus is coming to town, then when at the circus he pitches his own tent in his pants when the clowns enters the ring. Your suspicion should also be roused when the circus programs with Bozo’s face on it have not been discarded weeks after the circus have left, and have now became all wrinkly and crusty. You should really be worried when you lover comes home in October with two clown costumes with accompanied clown paraphernalia, and when asked about the odd purchase he tells you it’s for Halloween. Finally, all suspicion should be gone the night he enters your bedroom dressed as the clown Funking Frankie and then enters you calling you his bitch Coco!

When it comes to sex the human race is a Pandora’s Box of the strange and bizarre. All people have their own flavours and preferences, whether it’s silk or leather, cowboy or clown. Whatever you are into you will find pornography that depicts your every fantasy, twisted as it may be. Today I learned something new and this I know for certain – when the circus is coming to town I’ll be not go and stay clear of clowns!

Till next time.

The Black Party: Fetish

Sex Littering

There are a few things in life that make my blood boil.  Well, actually that is a lie.  There are a great many things in life that causes the veins in my head to throb.  Mostly I can overcome such emotional inconveniences by counting to ten or proactively popping a pill for it.  However, every now and again I am caught off guard causing me to briefly behave like an emotionally disturbed child accompanied by a nervous tick in my left eye.  This past weekend was one such an occasion as I was confronted with one of my top ten pet peeves – sex littering.

Now before you ask me what sex littering is let me explain.  Sex littering is when someone leaves behind certain items that they used during coitus in a public space for everyone to see or, when a certain deranged bitch throws her husband’s porn DVD’s over your wall into your back yard.  I am aware that the latter is unusual and doesn’t happen to most people.  However, it has happened to me. Twice!  You see our neighbor’s, which I have always referred to here as the “undesirables”, has an extremely tumultuous relationship.  Sometimes their emotional turbulence interferes with my inner peace and I have called the police on them before.  But this new turn of events had me baffled.

Sometime during the beginning of the year I was strolling through our back garden when I saw something shining as the light caught it in the foliage.  Upon closer inspection it looked like a CD or DVD that was lying face down.  Being naturally curious by nature I Indiana Jonesed my way through the foliage and picked it.  When I eventually got it and turned it around I was both shocked and very confused.  After all I am a very innocent, sensitive and impressionable person.  I was mortified to discover that it was a hardcore straight porn DVD.  “What. The. Fuck.” came out of my mouth before I could help it.  Why was it in our back garden and who left it there?

Nobody expects to find porn in their garden, especially when it is not yours.  Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against porn as such.  What I do have a problem with is when someone throws it into my garden.  It is not only inconsiderate but irresponsible.  What if our bunnies tried to eat it or if our garden services found it. I mean really.  If you want to toss porn into our garden at least make sure it is gay porn.  Generally homosexuals do not get off on straight porn and I thought people knew that.  Also, our garden services are very judgmental. 

It wasn’t long before my exceptional sleuthing skills helped me track down the sex litterer.  It was our neighbor (the undesirables).  I once overheard her and her husband fighting about porn.  From what I could tell she didn’t like it being in their house and she doesn’t like him watching it hence, her throwing it over our wall.  I honestly think that woman is a few potatoes short of a potato salad.  The only rational reason I could think of for her to choose our yard as her personal porn dumping site is because we are their only neighbor who doesn’t have older kids.  Still, that is no excuse for exposing us unwillingly to their straight pornography or littering our garden with her husband’s debauchery and her condemnation of it.

I am a firm believer of the theory high walls make for good neighbors.  I don’t really care what goes on in most of my neighbor’s lives.  I don’t snoop and respect other people’s privacy.  But when our neighbor’s shit start affecting my life and intrudes into my little bubble of peace and tranquility I tend to get annoyed.  Thinking that the sex littering was a once off thing I decided to let it go for the sake of not embarrassing anybody.  Also, I didn’t want to talk to the undesirables especially not about their twisted taste in porn.  Unfortunately nothing in my life is ever uncomplicated.

So this weekend when I went to check on our bunnies’ food situation I again stumbled upon sex litter.  Again it was straight porn and again it was the undesirables.  My blood pressure went up and this time I was furious.  “What the fuck is wrong with these people.  Why can’t she just throw this shit in their dustbin or dispose of it in any other way?  Why us?  Why our garden?”  I remember thinking.  Also, do we look like the kind of people who would want to watch a porn movie titled “Sex starved fuck sluts”?  After I caught my breath and the twitch in my left eye subsided I thought of the best way forward.  I decided to leave them a harshly worded letter:

Dear Neighbors,

Your sex life is none of our business but you have made it our business when you first threw the porn DVD “Backdoor adventures of Butthead and Beaver” into our yard on 22 February this year.  Now, again you decided to infringe on my right to privacy and choice to live in a straight porn free environment by having thrown the porn DVD “Sex starved fuck sluts” into our yard.  If you have some sexual issues, including but not limited to porn, please don’t make your fucking problem ours.  Go see a fucking therapist.  Also, our yard is not your personal sex litter dump.  Use your dustbin.  That is what it is there for!

Lastly, by throwing your porn into our yard is not the solution to your problems.  The internet is full of free porn that could meet with your sexual desires and fetishes.  I know you have internet at home because I can see your WiFi on my phone.  Use it.  Delete it.  Just for the love of god leave us out of it.

Sincerely,

Your GAY neighbors.

I am still checking our mailbox for their apology letter.  So much for being “good Christians” who go to church every Sunday.  The worst part of their sex littering is the fact that we are then forced to throw their porn into our dustbin.  What will our housekeeper think if she accidentally sees the porn DVD.  It has been enough of a culture shock for her to work for two homosexuals with a child.  I think discovering a porn DVD in between broken egg shells and potato peels might just give her a heart attack.

I thought moving to suburbia would be peaceful, quiet and private.  I never expected people to throw straight porn DVD’s into our yard and that our neighbors would be perverts with a preference for entering through the back door and being into sluts.  Also, I never expected that I would need to have awkward conversations with my neighbors about their sex lives, fetishes or taste in porn.  I guess it is what it is.  At least they are not terrorists and after my note hopefully they would be too ashamed to even look at me.  And ashamed they should be.

Till next time.

What You Always Wanted to Ask a Gay Guy

There are many curious people out there.  And you know who you are.  People who are curious about what exactly gay guys get up to in the bedroom, amongst other things.  So this week I challenged my Facebook friends to send me some questions that they always wanted to ask a gay guy but never dared to.  Evidently, the common denominator amongst the questions that I received dealt with sex, in one way or another.  The questions came from straight folks, bisexuals, lesbians and even a few gay guys.  So without any further ado here goes...

The first question I received asked “If you are both tops or bottoms, how do you decide who will go where?”  Well, the answer is simple.  One will bottom and the other will top.  Contrary to popular belief there are few gay guys who are exclusively tops or bottoms.  Sometimes we like to mix things up a bit, we call this being versatile.  There are also a lot of other sexually sinful things you can do that will make Pastors cringe that does not involve penetration.  But seeing as I was not asked about that, I will leave it up to your dirty imaginations.

“What happens if you are dating a guy and he has a really large penis?” Well, if that happens go on your knees and thank God.  It doesn’t matter what people with small penises say – size does matter!  The bigger the better!  Personally, I know many size queens who like their men’s joy sticks supersized which lead me to a related question “Does anal sex hurt, and what if the guy’s dick is really large?”  The simple answer will be yes, anal sex can hurt a little at first.  After all you are stretching the sphincter muscle.  But the anus is resilient.  As for if the guy is really large, well then you would have to do some preparation before penetration to make sure the anus is relaxed.  Some gay guys prefer to use poppers as it takes the edge off and relaxes the sphincter muscle.  You should really try it sometime.  Anal sex is not just for the gays you know.

“Have you ever lied and said you were a top because you did not feel like doing the prep work?” Actually I am a versatile top and I don’t need to do much prep work but I am sure there are some bottoms that may have done this.  I mean the prep work is tedious, you have to shave your ass and you can hurt yourself doing it.  Lord knows I did once but I don’t like talking about it.  Then you have to trim your pubes and douche.  You don’t want your partner’s member to be covered with stinky bits now do you?  Sometimes if you have not bottomed in a while you may also need to make use of certain adult toys to help prepare yourself for the actual penetration and all of this takes time but is well worth the effort.  And most importantly it shows your partner that you care.

And then there were some question with really short answers.  “What do you prefer, KY or Vaseline?”  KY, because Vaseline is oil based and not advisable to use during safe sex.  It is always better to use a water based lubricant.  “Do you like titties?” No I don’t.  “How do you know you don’t like vagina if you never tried it?”  I have tried it and I STILL DON’T LIKE IT!  “Would you ever have a threesome with women?”  Ummm, don’t you understand what homosexual mean?  No I would not.  “Have you ever had a threesome and was it awkward?”  Yes I have, and it was a little awkward at first but it got better as I got into things.

“Why are some gay men on dating sites scared of HIV+ men?”  I don’t know if it is a lack of safe sex education in the gay community but in my opinion they avoid HIV+ men because they fear being infected.  Let’s not fool ourselves; gay guys are on dating sites like Man Hunt, Grindr and Gaydar for sex.  Only in exceptional circumstance do guys find their life partners on dating sites and in my social circle I only know of one couple who met that way.  If a person can’t look past you being HIV+, in my opinion, they are not worth your time anyway.

“What is gaydar and do all gays have it?”  This is like the gay superpower right?  Gaydar is the ability to recognize gay people through observing certain subtle gay traits in their general behavior.  Contrary to what some believe gaydar is not only secluded to the gay community as some straight folks also have it.  Just like some gay people’s gaydar is broken.  For example my lesbian gaydar doesn’t work at all.  Two lesbians could be scissoring in front of me and I would not know they are gay.  Perhaps it is because I am not sexually attracted to women, who knows?

“Do gay people have a secret language they speak?  My gay friends talk about things like dora and patsy, what does that mean?”  Back in the day when gay people were persecuted they had had secret parties and couldn’t openly associate or admit in public that they were gay, so certain code words were used to disguise what they were really saying or referring to.  Much of this “language”, which in fact is only gay slang, have died out with the younger LGBT generation as we don’t really need to use it anymore.  But certain words are still being used.  To learn more about this you can click on the following links: Gay Slang Explained and Gay Slang Dictionary.

So there you have it, answers to some question you always wanted to ask a gay guy but were too afraid to ask.  I am sure there might be many more.  So in future if you have a burning question about anything gay or need step-by-step instructions on how to use a butt plug, drop me an email and I will gladly assist you.

Till next time.

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Beware the Sodomites want to recruit you!

Once again my jaw dropped in disbelieve when a friend forwarded me a link to the ranting of a radical Church. The ranting is by Steven Anderson from the Faithful Word Baptist Church. He is convinced that the sodomites (homosexuals) are taking over the world, spreading our disease of sin and want to recruit you. The only way to stop us, he says, is to kill us. This led me to wonder, is this true? Are we really taking over the world? Are we really hell bent on recruiting as many as we can to join our revolution of depravity?

Steven raises an interesting point by saying that we are multiplying. “There’s more than there were last year and the year before, and the year before that”. This is absolutely true as I can’t dispute this. He also raised the point of us reproducing and entertained with a brief biology lesson. Yes, two men and two women can’t reproduce through gay sex (and believe me we try) but can you say “Artificial Insemination”? Unfortunately, for us radical sodomites having a baby doesn’t guarantee us producing another sodomite. Statistically speaking chances are better that we would produce a straight (non-sodomite) child – oh the repulsion of even entertaining such a thought! So how are we multiplying? The answer is simple according to Steven - we recruit! Sodomites are diligent “recruiters and not reproducers”. We are preying on your children, unsuspecting and unescorted teenagers and defenceless adults. Yes, we seek out the weak and then swoop on them with our Rainbow Flags, KY, Dildos and other queer paraphernalia then “rape, molest and violate” them until they join our squadron. There even is a Gay Manual printed at Sodomite Head Quarters in Amsterdam with detailed instructions, however the illustrated version is only distributed from Sydney and costs a tad more. The process is quite straightforward and relatively painless for those who are not into sadomasochism. All sodomites know that if you need a refresher course, because you have not been meeting your recruitment quota for the month, you will have the manual couriered to you within 24 hours anywhere in the world accompanied with a tongue lashing, head bobbing, finger waving and a hefty fine from the International Institution of Sodomites.
We sodomites are also an ambitious bunch, recruiting is not enough for us because we don’t want to just spread our “disease of sin” we want to dominate and take over the world! We are constantly searching for positions of power especially in the governments of world. Having already infiltrated the United States, United Kingdom, Germany, South Africa, Australia, Netherlands, Switzerland, France, Italy and many more we are at the verge of a full-on hostile coup d'état. We even have undercover sodomites in the Vatican! We are also branching out with our latest Infidel Office that opened up in Iraq just this past week and more to come.

We already control large portions of the world’s economy such as the Fashion Industry and are covertly taking control of other industries as well. Soon not a single non-sodomite will be safe! Just think about what we have achieved already. We are already in your homes (we decorated it, designed the clothes that you wear, your furniture, write the scripts of the shows you watch and even tell you how to prepare your food and do your hair). Our devious plan is well on its way and you are slowly being conditioned for that day the faggots, queers, trannies and dykes will be coming for you!
So how are us sodomites able to do this? Better yet, why are we getting away with it? Again Steven hits the nail on its head with the correct answer – “Queers have no natural predators!” Like the lions in the wild we have very few competitors to fear as we are at the top of the proverbial food/sex chain. We have a superior brain, are more evolved, impeccable fashion sense and generally have a greater disposable income enabling us to fund our global operations to dominate the world. Our creativity and flamboyance combined with our sensitive nature also is another key element as this is how we lure away your women and transform them into our slaves (fag hags). Whatever your wife or girlfriend can’t discuss with you (like your erectile dysfunction) she is happy to share with us. We are the ones that introduced them to vibrators and the phrase “honey not tonight I have a headache” – all of this to curb your reproduction rate. We are such geniuses we have even destroyed the sanctity of marriage as we too can now get married in several countries. First we took over the wedding industry with our wedding planners, caterers, fashion designers and decorators and now we have taken ownership of marriage away from you as well. You know gay adoption is also on the rise so gay married couples are now also taking your children too.
Lastly, you may argue that we need non-sodomites as the stereotypical sodomite is quite timid and lack brute strength because with a superior brain muscle power has become absolute. The truth is we really don’t need non-sodomites, this is why we have the stereotypical dykes: They can build things, win bar fights are good with knifes, beer bottles and fixing things like cars or leaking pipes. We also don’t need non-sodomites because we can procreate with the help of technology. Steven, I think, realized how redundant non-sodomites have become in society and is becoming terrified. If you listen to how hysterical he becomes during the last portion of his sermon one would think a sodomite has already baptised him up the ass. Steven is correct to be petrified because we are doing all these things - we are multiplying, recruiting and taking over the world! Soon all non-sodomites will be replaced with the superior human race that is the Sodomites!!!
Whoever is crazy enough to believe all of this really should look up Steven Anderson and give him a copy of this article, I am sure this would feed his festering hatred for homosexuals. Steven lives in a fantasy world where fairies have become demons and the leader in the battle between “Good” and “Evil” is led by a blind man who can’t distinguish between the two. I guess the world needs this type of insanity to balance out the bigger scheme of things, I just hope I never cross his path as I have quite a bit I’d like to say and do to crazy Anderson.

(To listen to this crazy man go to http://www.rightwingwatch.org/god-commands-you-kill-gays.html?q=content/god-commands-you-kill-gays)

Till next time!

NAUGHTY GAY CRUISE ADVERT

Snogging to Make a Point

There's nothing like a good old fashioned pool snog fest to make a point.  Din [A] Tod, a German musician, recently released this music video for his song "Cold Star" and called it "an appeal for the acceptance of your own and other's sexual identity".  A bit raunchy it may be, but it does bring the point home loud and clear.  Watch for yourself.

Queer 101: A Super Simple Comic Guide

(Click on the images to enlarge)

Coming Out

There comes a time in every gay person’s life when the claustrophobia and social isolation of the proverbial pink closet becomes too much and you need to step into the sunshine as the fabulous and authentic person you are. A time when you no longer can deny your true nature and the truth needs to be revealed. This experience can be daunting, exhilarating, traumatic and cathartic. All openly gay individuals have their own unique coming out stories and this is mine.

On an autumn Sunday afternoon at the tender age of 16 I decided to step out of the closet. After Sunday lunch I decided to break the news to my utterly unprepared family. My decision to do so was threefold: Firstly I have known that I was gay probably since the age of 6 (I kissed my first boy at that age); Secondly I was growing tired of having to make up lies about why I do not have a steady girlfriend; and Thirdly I no longer wanted to have to lie about the true nature of my “friendships” with certain boys.

I was considerate enough not to drop the bomb during lunch. I didn’t want to spoil the meal or cause anyone to choke on their food and having the family drama spill over to the emergency room. During the washing up the words every parent fear left my lips “Mom… Dad… I am gay…” It was received with a cold silence and a shocked pause. I remember my mother slowly turning around while loosing her grip of a plate that shattered into pieces on the floor much like my heterosexual future she had envisaged for me. In a slow, controlled and slightly strained voice she asked me to repeat myself hoping for a different outcome. “I am gay…” I hesitantly said again. The room flooded with tension, disillusioned stares where exchanged between my sister and father while my mother’s eyes were burning holes through me. In her eyes I could see the death of her imagined grandchildren and the perfect daughter-in-law. Without saying a word she left the kitchen, went to the master bedroom and sobbed behind a locked door for the remainder of the day. My father visibly distraught by my revelation later sat me down and told me that he had always suspected that I was gay. He explained that the gay lifestyle wasn’t what he wanted for me, but if this is what I am he would try to accept it, but it wasn’t going to be easy. My sister was fine with the fact that I am gay, apart from the sex part which “grossed her out”.

The next day at school I was unexpectedly called to the principal’s office. On arrival I found my mother waiting for me. Being in an all boy school, my first thought was that my parents are going to pull me out of school as instead of the testosterone fuelled environment “butching” me up I still became gay. As things turned out she was fetching me to go see a psychologist. After several sessions (10 to be exact) with a slightly homophobic therapist he unenthusiastically revealed to my parents that I was indeed gay and it wasn’t a phase. I remember my mother breaking down, wanting to know from the therapist what she and my dad did wrong causing me to be this way. The fears they had were also revealed: Was I going to get Aids? Am I going to start wearing woman’s clothes or even get a sex change? In retrospect, I guess I can’t blame their ignorance as they never had much exposure to gay people and the stereotypes about the gay community were all they knew. After the therapist explained to them with great compassion that the majority of their fears where unfounded and that they in all probability didn’t cause my homosexuality, their guilt reluctantly started to dissipate over the years to come.

Then the religious issues surfaced. How to be a good Christian and deal with your child being gay? Are you allowed to love your gay son who is condemned to hell by the Church? At this point both my parents had started to accept the fact that I am gay, but both were in denial regarding me being sexually active. You see being gay was not technically viewed as a sin, by them, as long as I didn’t practice the lifestyle. Unfortunately, my mother was yet again due for a rude awakening when she forgot something at home on her way to work. Returning home she walked in on me and my then boyfriend in the heat of passion. She almost died 20 deaths and my boyfriend was expelled from the house and remained in exile for 2 months. I am sure both my parents spend an extra couple of hours in prayer that evening.

When I met my now husband I had been out of the closet for just over 5 years. Both my parents, by this time, had accepted my sexual orientation and lifestyle. They have almost come to view it as “normal” and I was no longer the source of family shame or the result of their souls’ condemnation. My family welcomed my husband into our family with open arms, as he was the equivalent of the perfect “daughter-in-law”, so to speak. Unfortunately, at that time he was still in the closet to his family. After a couple of months, I ushered him out of the closet as I didn’t feel comfortable dating a guy and having to lie to his parents. I gave my husband the opportunity to exit the closet on his own time and on his own terms. He came out to his family in a restaurant. Always a good idea as drama will be limited and he went with his own car for an easy exit. After coming out and the truth about our relationship was revealed, I was banned from my husband’s parents home for 3 years, but he was still allowed to see me. After 11 years his parents too have grown to accept my husband and me for who we are and our relationship for what it is. They now treat me like a son. It wasn’t easy for them either, and like all parents I am sure their hearts were broken at first when the son they had didn’t turn out to be what they had wished for.

Coming out of the closet is different for everyone. We all have different families and friends who react in different ways. Coming out is a rebirth and it can be a painful experience for all involved. Those of us who are lucky have family and friends who understand that even though we are gay and live a different lifestyle we remain the persons we were before we exited the closet. They love us just the same and wish us happiness and true love as they do everyone else. I have a lot of respect for families and friends of gay people who support their gay children and peers. They are the unsung heroes who should also be celebrated. As both my family and that of my husband have come to realize, having a gay child and brother is not the end of the world. We can still make them proud and live healthy, constructive and happy lives. This month I have been out of the closet for 16 years and am still proud, queer and here!

Till next time.

Prayers for Bobby- Trailer
True story of Mary Griffith, gay rights crusader, whose teenage son committed suicide due to her religious intolerance. Based on the book of the same title by Leroy Aarons. Stars Sigourney Weaver.

Queer Mating Rituals of Heterosexuals

With Swine Flue threatening global health I am also convinced that a more ominous virus is threatening society and especially my social circle. Many of my friends recently ended their relationships and this is starting to feel like a pandemic on its own with the unexpected revelation of a couple of pigs amongst us! Having more single friends now, the majority of which being straight, I have become privy to their queer mating rituals. This left me with an interesting conundrum: Are the mating rituals of heterosexuals and homosexuals so different?All 3 respective breakups were quite traumatic and one theatrical. My male friend’s girl friend broke up with him because he wanted to get married and she wasn’t ready. For some odd reason she changed her mind shortly after and now wants him back; maybe she realized what she lost, but alas it’s too late to reconcile and he’s keeping his sperm for someone else. My female friend learned that her fiancé was cheating on her via a Facebook message and consequent phone call from his mistress - what a horrific way to learn of your partner’s infidelity! Naturally she was devastated and the breakup was vicious! The most recent breakup was another of my female friends whose boyfriend of 2 years and 5 months (she was very specific about the duration) ended their relationship over the phone without any substantial reason. It came as blow to her and she cried for a few days but with the help of a couple of magic prescription pills she has returned to semi-normal functioning. All of them displayed fleeting homicidal tendencies and revengeful thoughts towards their ex’s and with the exception of 1; I firmly believe that their ex’s safely will make it to their next birthdays.
Observing my 3 heterosexual friends enjoying their new found freedom, their mating rituals have become a matter of particular interest. I have noticed that when straight people become single their social life escalates into a frenzied diary of dinners, clubbing, events and drinks - not much unlike that of gay people. The consumption of alcohol also increases substantially! All, in my opinion, to abolish the painful memory and to maybe meet new people that will help them transition into the becoming again who they where before their hearts were ripped out of their chests and trampled on. However, unlike gay people straight people appear to have a peculiar way of selecting their potential mates. I think this is where natural selection comes in – after all heterosexuals have the added burden of having to procreate to sustain the species! It appears as subconsciously, potential mates are ruled out by a process of elimination prescribed by the flaws they exhibit similar to those with whom the hunting heterosexual have had a previous unfortunate encounter. If any potential mate show any sign of weakness, the words “let’s just be friends” will be uttered. I was also surprised to learn that unlike some gay people heterosexuals are also far less promiscuous when forced into the single life – they rather tend to use the promise of sex as a lure to test the potential mate’s persistence and tenacity. Only after they are satisfied of the potential mate's commitment sex will occur and if it’s bad that too can be the death of a potential relationship.
When surviving a breakup most people tend to swear off relationships, as the wounds are still too fresh. This holds true in both the gay and straight community. There is also always the fear that lurks like a shadow behind you of getting hurt again. So both straight and gay people surround themselves with friends and keep socially active. With straight woman I have discovered they are more flirtatious during this stage following a break up maybe due to the need to be wanted and found attractive, but as soon as too much attention comes their way an Ice Queen emerges and the potential suitor are in danger of frostbite. With straight guys the predatory instinct kicks in and testosterone goes into over drive. Spending more time with their straight single buddies reinforces this. However, after a few rejections the guys will go back to being dejected and become overly cautious bordering on shy as not only are their ego’s bruised but similar to their female counterparts their desire to be wanted and found attractive is also not met. So I deduce that heterosexual men and women’s timing must be perfect for a relationship to occur, hence to term coined chemistry! If the man is too early he will face the cold shoulder and if the woman is too aloof she will end up a spinster. But when the timing is just right and both are ready for it chemistry occurs and magic happens!

The mating ritual of homosexuals and heterosexuals are not so different. In many respects a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what your sexual preference. The pain of a breakup is the same and much behaviour following the breakup coincides. The fundamental difference lies in the obvious - the fact that in the gay community we may find it easier to understand our potential mates as we are from the same gender and our approach to potential relationships progress in an easier fashion. With heterosexual the mating dance is more intricate, prolonged and fraught with caution. But the homosexual community need our straight friends to never give up on their pursuit to find a mate and never give up on relationships no matter how badly their hearts have been broken. Time really heals all wounds! So it’s imperative that all my heterosexual friends never loose hope of finding that special person because until homosexuals find the means to naturally procreate, and believe me we try, technology and heterosexuals are our only means to our continued survival!

Till next time.

Margaret Cho - Gay Men Jokes

Sour Grapes - The Fruit Of Ignorance: Growing Pains

A truly exceptional and frank blog post by one of my role models in the South African GLBT Community. This is an honest and revealing portrayal of the journey of a transgendered person on the sometimes difficult road and metamorphosis into who she really was meant to be.

Sour Grapes - The Fruit Of Ignorance: Growing Pains

Horror, Weirdos & Fagalicious Homos

It’s time for Halloween. All the witches, fairies, superheroes and dead icons of the past will come out of the closet and gush into the nightclubs and streets to celebrate this dress up party. Not having attended a Halloween party in a while I am pondering the idea of getting into a costume and joining in this year’s festivities.

As most gay and rather effeminate men know, playing dress up is nothing new to us. Some of us have been doing this ever since we could walk. As a toddler I distinctly remember being quite fascinated with my grandmother’s pink powder box that she had on her dressing table. Every chance I got I would sneak into her room, open the box grab the powder puff and powder my face. Needless to say I would emerge white as a ghost and concerned stares would be exchanged between my parents and grandparents as they would send me to the bathroom to wash my face. I eventually ended up inheriting that powder box, but unfortunately lost it. Granny’s powder was not the only feminine accessories I had used, my mom’s makeup also suffered my curiosity and many a time I ended up looking like a clown that was drunk when he applied his happy face and consequently suffered a stroke and was sent to an insane asylum. Apart from the makeup there also was the trying on of shoes, jewelry and the odd dress. Why I didn’t end up a drag queen is anybody’s question. I showed all the signs, but I guess the fact that I make for a scary woman might be a clue to this enigma.

In the past I have been dressed up for Halloween as a Priest, a Punk, a Bunny, a School Boy, a Prostitute, and a Goth, just to mention but a few. Strangely enough I never actually went the drag queen route however appropriate that could have been as I could have made a good witch. Of all the costumes I have adorned over the years I must admit the Bunny was my favorite. It was the least effort as I only had to buy bunny ears and a fluffy tail. The best part was that the tail attracted a lot of attention and my ass was crabbed numerous times during the course of that evening and it enjoyed this attention, more than my husband did. My least favorite costume was that of the priest as I kept on tripping on the damn robe and there is no way of sexing up such a dreadfully boring and conservative outfit.

So come Halloween it’s a free-for-all to dress up in whatever takes your fancy. If you are a closeted drag queen you have the options of dressing up as Cher, Vintage Madonna, The Queen or the Wicket Witch of the West. For those secretly into S&M an assortment of leather accessories are at your disposal; however certain items I strongly recommend against renting because you may not want to know where and on whom it has been - no one wants a after Halloween party favor of a case of the crabs! For all of those into the Superhero franchise I always find it quite cute when a couple ventures out to save the queers from the “evils” of the world dressed up as Batman & Robin or Captain America & Falcon. For those single folk not wanting to go out alone, do not despair you too can venture out with your fag hag dressed up as Bonny & Clyde or Barbie & Ken (you can decide who will be which). There is an overabundance of choices when it comes to costumes and themes one can choose from.

So what does your choice of costume say about you? The choice is quite a personal one, I would think, as Halloween is the one time of the year you can dress up as anything or anyone you like. Your secret fantasies can be realized, for instance if you always had a crush on Superman, who knows you may just end up in bed with him that night. If you always admired our health caregivers there’s the sexy nurse outfit (always popular amongst our drag queens) or the little French maid if you are really into kinky house work. For all our lesbians I haven’t forgotten about you. For the really butch lesbian how about trying on a dress for once? Who knows you might even like it? If a dress is not an option I have always found that lesbians look quite good in law enforcement uniforms, so they can do the poppers and safe sex patrol and ensure all horny queers behave responsibly.

Halloween is a fun time of year, with a variety of oddities wondering our streets, frequenting our bars and clubs and a bunch of hyperactive children high on sugar knocking away at our doors wanting their next fix. Whether you decide to dress up and go out, or stay at home watching a few horror movies I trust that all will have a fabulous time during this day of Horror, Weirdos and Fagalicious Homos.

Till next time.

Super Heroes look gay

Sex Education

Oprah Winfrey recently caused controversy with a show she did about how mothers should talk to their daughters about sex. Apparently 3 members of the public complained to the South African Broadcasting Complaints Commission sighting that the show was sexually explicit and inappropriate. Naturally, after this news broke I just had to see what the fuss was about. After watching the episode I must admit I too was a bit flustered. This made me to wonder, is sex education still taboo due to parents being too embarrassed to talk to their children about sex & are we in denial about children needing more information about sex?
The “Bird & the Bees” talk, I suspect, may be the one conversation parents absolutely dread (apart from when your child tells you he/she is gay of course). The questions what is a vagina; what is a penis; and where do babies come from could cause any parent to briefly hyperventilate. After watching the Oprah show I am sure the level of dread increased exponentially as Dr Laura Burman also encouraged mothers to talk to their daughters about masturbation and vibrators. Oh my!

After listening to what Dr Burman said I was shocked as I tried to imagine myself in the millions of mothers’ shoes who watched the show and could just picture their facial expressions as it may have been very similar to mine – my dropped jaw only closed after I switched off the television. However, after digesting the information I came to the conclusion that she did have a point, all be it a point that at first maybe difficult to accept and comes with potential embarrassment to the parent. I think the central point she tried to make was that parents should arm their children with the appropriate information about sex to help their children be better equipped, more comfortable with their sexuality and approach and view sex in a healthy and responsible manner. Certain issues that she raised will be met with great resistance as I do not imagine many parents eagerly wanting to talk to their children about the “G” spot, masturbation, sex toys and alternatives to vaginal intercourse.

Not being a parent myself I most certainly can’t debate this issue with any authority. However, I can reflect on my own sex education I received as a child as well as that of my friends. My sex education from my parents was limited to a little book entitled “What a boy should know”. At the age of 12 this book was unceremoniously handed to me by my father. No discussions were engaged in either before or after me reading the book. The book clinically described in writing and with drawings what to expect during puberty and what sex was. Honestly, this was of little help to me as I had no intention of going anywhere near a vagina! The only useful part of the book was the description of the correct use of condoms. Notably the “gay sex” was not included (not even as an annexure) in the book and this was left to my own imagination and later trail & error.
The issue of masturbation was never adequately covered but yet the phenomena of “wet dreams” were included in my little puberty handbook. The absence of thoroughly dealing with the topic of masturbation caused me for the longest time, during puberty, to think masturbation was wrong or even a sin. To make matters worse, I also firmly believed every time I masturbated my dead ancestors could be watching. For some queer reason masturbation was an act one was made to feel guilty about, as not a single person ever told me or any of my friends this was normal and natural. Instead I remember hearing that if you masturbate too often you will grow hair on the palms of your hands.
Many of my female friends also described that their sex education was limited to either a video or book given to them by their parents. The one commonality I could identify was that we all had a similar emotive reaction the first time all our pubescent hormones came to fruition: The first time I ejaculated and the first time some of my female friends had their period we all thought we were either dying or had some embarrassing illness! The books and the videos did mention this would happen but when it does it still comes as a shock. For my female friends their first “monthly curse” (as some refer to it) did necessitate them telling a parent as tampons or pads were required, as for me I didn’t go running to either parent. I just waited, did it again and when the same thing happened I had a “aha moment” (as Oprah would say) as I faintly remembered the little book did mention something about ejaculation and now I knew what that meant.
When it came to sex what I learned was not at all as what was described in my little sex education booklet for obvious reasons. As mentioned before, there was no homosexual section and much needed “details” were left for own discovery. One would think sex is easy, comes naturally and you would get it right the first time around. That just was not true in my case! When I lost my virginity it was an absolute disaster of epic proportion as neither I nor my boyfriend (both being relatively young) knew what we were doing. We knew about condoms but didn’t know about a key component (KY) or any of the other relevant and very important “details”. So my introduction into the world of sex was a thrusting of thighs & pelvises, sweat, careful aiming, pain, embarrassment and a very anticlimactic orgasm – it was not romantic, I didn’t feel the earth move and my whole body wasn’t quivering with carnal pleasure! In retrospect it was the worst sex I ever had! Only as time passed and my sex education was supplemented by knowledge my friends had acquired through their own trails & errors did I come into my own sexually – so to speak!

Even though the Oprah show was controversial I do think the message the show conveyed was an extremely important one. Prepubescent and pubescent children should be educated about sex, they should be adequately informed and equipped to help them exercise the right choices and be confident in their own sexuality. Good sex education saves lifes as we life in a time where the threat of HIV & AIDS are real. A friend recently told me that the problem with children today is that they no longer want to play with toys rather opting to “play” with each other instead. It’s a scary thought to think children as young as 13 are already engaging in sexual acts and by the age of 16 some young people no longer are virgins.
I have a lot of respect for parents as bringing up a child is heart stopping hard work and therefore I’m grateful to only have godchildren. Thinking about your own sex education as a child and your own sexual experiences how much different would your experiences and choices have been had you had more knowledge? What a difference do you think imparting this knowledge would make on the children of today contemplating having sex? I think this is what the true intention of the Oprah Show was – asking yourself some difficult questions and sometimes finding equally difficult answers.

Till next time.

Karen Taylor - Miss Harper and Sex Education

Sex Tape Scandal!

Paris Hilton has one. Pamela Anderson also has one so does Lindsay Lohan. Kim Kardashian, I believe, purposefully leaked hers to the media. Yes they all have had their sex tape scandals; it seems you’re not quite famous until your sex-escapades are immortalized on film and ends up on the Internet. Charlie Sheen has also even been rumoured to have taken photos of his wiener. Couples filming themselves while having sex or taking naked pictures of them seem to have become a trend in yet another of the plethora erotic fetishes. Making your own home pornographic movie for your secret erotic pleasure is one thing, but once it ends up on the Internet or in malevolent hands you can be in for a nasty & embarrassing surprise. This let me to wonder, why do people like filming themselves engaging in sexual acts? Is there a hidden exhibitionist in us or is it the thrill factor of having done something naughty captured on film?
Let’s be honest at one point in all our lives we have considered taking a few sexy pictures of ourselves and/or of our partners. With the emergence of new technologies like mobile phones with camera’s it has been made so much easier. Whether you have actually done so I hope will remain your secret. A friend of mine recently had his mobile phone stolen. This in itself is traumatic but what made this crime worse is the fact that he had taken some raunchy pictures and videos of himself engaging in unmentionable acts with his former boyfriend. All these pictures and videos were stored on his phone memory. Imagine the thief’s surprise when scrolling down to the media files on the stolen phone and discovering in graphic detail exactly what “gay sex” entails. After this unfortunate discovery 1 of 2 things may happen: 1) The phone could be discarded in utter disgust; or 2) The entrepreneur in the thief could whisper to him “Blackmail the former owner or sell the pictures and videos to a porn site”. In any event both outcomes will leave my friend tainted and he’s justifiably been having sleepless nights. I don’t know which is worse, being caught masturbating by your mother or having a thieve glare at pornographic pictures of you – luckily neither has ever happened to me!
While in High School a former friend one day showed me what he had discovered whilst rummaging through his parents’ closet. In a well hidden unassuming shoe box he discovered Polaroid photo’s of his mother in sexy lingerie in various erotic poses and photo’s of his dad in special undergarments. No child wants to imagine their parents having sex and I, for one, would not want to see sexy pictures of my parents nor would I show them to a friend if they had. Admittedly when I was showed the photos I was quite disturbed at both what I saw and the mere fact that it was being showed to me; suffice to say that friendship died a quiet death. I can just imagine the embarrassment his parents would suffer had they known that their kinky erotic photo montage was being exhibited by their own child to pubescent teens. As if private kinky photos and home made sex videos aren’t enough there actually are people that willingly expose themselves on the Internet. There are special websites where you can upload explicit videos and photos of yourself for the world to see; you can create a profile and have voyeurs subscribe to your daily sexual exploits. Whether these individuals are trying to break into the porn industry or do it purely as an exhibitionist outlet is a mystery to me. They may be better advised to audition at a porn studio and actually earn an income from it.
I was once approached to act in a porn movie, not that the word “acting” accurately describes what was to be expected of me. I was 18 years of age and probably looked very naive. A dodgy looking man pitched the idea to me in a gay club and his main selling point was that it would pay well, would only be one day and I would get to have sex with sexy young guys like me (the flattery angle is always a good marketing tool). If I recall correctly the movie was to be called “African Adventure or Out in Africa”. Naturally, being a broke student at the time, I briefly entertained the idea walking around with the guy’s business card in my bag for a couple of days. Luckily, I made the wise decision not to take him up on his offer. In retrospect, I am very grateful I didn’t make my porn debut - imagine how different my life would have turned out if I had.
Many of our friends have taken sexy pictures of themselves and partners as part of spicing up their sex lives and as an erotic and new form of foreplay that unlike the traditional version leaves one with a lasting memento. Personally it’s my views that if it contributes to improving the health of your sex life and keeps the passion in your relationship then click away, just make sure the erotic mementos are safely locked away and out of reach of your children, thieves and the Internet.

The sex tape mystery may not have been solved by me, but it sure makes for interesting debate over a few drinks with liberal friends. Whether people take naked pictures and make sex videos to spice up their sex lives, to satisfy some exhibitionist need or just simply to push themselves beyond the boundaries of their own sexual inhibitions, this form of sexual fetish have landed many people in embarrassing situations when these private products falls into the wrong hands. Luckily, I do not foresee any sex tape scandal in my near future. If there had to be one I find solace in the fact that I’m not famous and the fall out would be minimal.

Till next time.

Margaret Cho - Gay males vs straight males

The Testosterone Club

The ever elusive inner circle of the “all boys club” has always seemed quite inaccessible to me. However, in recent weeks, I have become privy to this enigmatic phenomenon. What I found was that being one of the boys aka “testosterone club” is not all it’s cracked up to be, and I’d much rather prefer the company of my fag hags and fellow queers.
Since a young age I never quite fit into what is referred to as gender appropriate behaviour for a heterosexual boy. My 1st kindergarten report card, which my nostalgic mother kept, was proof of this. The report card read that I was developing as normal, my speech, vocabulary and eye-hand-coordination was above average. However, the teachers noticed my refusal to play with gender appropriate toys and the absence of same gender friends. The fact that I kept the company of the opposite sex when it came to play time was of concern and my parents were advised to encourage me to befriend other boys. Little did they know what the consequences of that would be! The last straw was an incident when we were made to play dress up. I had 3 choices of costumes: A Cow Boy, a Clown or a Witch. Naturally, I choose the Witch to the great disillusionment of my teachers. The resulting photo which I proudly presented to my mom left her unimpressed, little worried and the next day I had a "play date" with the neighbour’s rambunctious boy – a friendship that was uneasy and brief.
When it came to high school, my parents had the brilliant idea of sending me to a very prestigious all-boy school in an effort to butch me up. It didn’t have the desired effect in fact it was quite the opposite. In high school I did make male friends but never found myself a member of any “all boys club” but rather stayed on the periphery of popularity and complete social acceptance rather opting to associate myself with the outcasts and rebels as they were my kind off people – the minority group of non-conformists with as strong sense of individuality. Instead of reinforcing heterosexual male values and behavioural patterns, I instead burst out of the proverbial closet at age 16 proclaiming my sexual orientation to the great dismay of my school and family. I started my own elitist “all-boys club”. The club was so elitist it only had 1 member – me!
So when, in the last few weeks, I was accepted into another elitist “all boys club” I thought this would be my chance at redemption and finally being able to decipher the mystery that is heterosexual male bonding. At 1st it was moderately exciting but I soon grew bored as I realized I had very little in common with this group of men: I don’t like sports; I have no desire to understand sports and I have no yearning to talk about women’s boobs and asses, cars, golf or hunting. I found myself in conversations watching their lips move but only hearing white noise, as I zoned out thinking about what I was going to cook for supper or when my next Botox treatment was. The only thing we had in common were a penis and even that commonality would fade into obscurity as our choice of usage conflicted. I found their bonding ritual queer and their topical conversations tedious, not even the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol could blur the dichotomy that is our lifestyles and interests.
When I had to participate in a fairly large scale move as part of the boys last week, I had an epiphany. The move was well organized, timed and executed with military precision. The only flaw in their well laid plan would be my role. As the “gay guy” in the group I presumed I would have a supervisory task (god forbid they would expect me to do any heavy lifting!) As fate would have it, they didn’t make any distinctions between members and therefore I would not receive any “special treatment”. I was to put in the same physical effort as all the other men – oh the horror! As I hauled my first 4 boxes up 3 flights of stairs being a member of the boys club seemed less and less appealing. This fairy wasn’t having fun anymore! I kept thinking to myself gays would pay people to do the heavy lifting for us as we would hire staff – it’s called job creation! Not wanting to disturb the peace I kept my mouth shut! After 3 hours of physical torture my ordeal was finally over. The move was finished and so was my membership to this club. Gay men and straight men can get along just fine, but personally I felt I over stayed my welcome in their testosterone filled world and desperately wanted to submerge myself back into my natural gay habitat doing gay things with gay people and talk about gay stuff. My final and appropriate salute to this “all boys club” was with the downing a few beers as I left their world shortly after chased with a margarita back in my natural gay biosphere.

The “all boys club” is a phenomenon that has been with us for centuries. Having infiltrated one such group and having been part of their bonding, activities and private discourse, I must say I found it less exciting than I anticipated. Straight guy’s interests, at times, seemed odd, boring and taxing. Being a member of the "testosterone club" definitely wasn’t one of the highlights of my social calendar. I wonder how straight men would fare spending a couple of weeks with their gay counterparts. Would our activities bore them as much as theirs did me? Would they actually enjoy some of the frivolous gay banter and reckless abandon of stereotypical male activities? This would be a challenge I would like to see.

Till next time.

So You're Having a Gay Baby!
Gay Comedian Jonny McGovern's 3 Dollar Bill featuring Murray Hill