Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Testosterone Club

The ever elusive inner circle of the “all boys club” has always seemed quite inaccessible to me. However, in recent weeks, I have become privy to this enigmatic phenomenon. What I found was that being one of the boys akatestosterone club” is not all it’s cracked up to be, and I’d much rather prefer the company of my fag hags and fellow queers.
Since a young age I never quite fit into what is referred to as gender appropriate behaviour for a heterosexual boy. My 1st kindergarten report card, which my nostalgic mother kept, was proof of this. The report card read that I was developing as normal, my speech, vocabulary and eye-hand-coordination was above average. However, the teachers noticed my refusal to play with gender appropriate toys and the absence of same gender friends. The fact that I kept the company of the opposite sex when it came to play time was of concern and my parents were advised to encourage me to befriend other boys. Little did they know what the consequences of that would be! The last straw was an incident when we were made to play dress up. I had 3 choices of costumes: A Cow Boy, a Clown or a Witch. Naturally, I choose the Witch to the great disillusionment of my teachers. The resulting photo which I proudly presented to my mom left her unimpressed, little worried and the next day I had a "play date" with the neighbour’s rambunctious boy – a friendship that was uneasy and brief.
When it came to high school, my parents had the brilliant idea of sending me to a very prestigious all-boy school in an effort to butch me up. It didn’t have the desired effect in fact it was quite the opposite. In high school I did make male friends but never found myself a member of any “all boys club” but rather stayed on the periphery of popularity and complete social acceptance rather opting to associate myself with the outcasts and rebels as they were my kind off people – the minority group of non-conformists with as strong sense of individuality. Instead of reinforcing heterosexual male values and behavioural patterns, I instead burst out of the proverbial closet at age 16 proclaiming my sexual orientation to the great dismay of my school and family. I started my own elitist “all-boys club”. The club was so elitist it only had 1 member – me!
So when, in the last few weeks, I was accepted into another elitist “all boys club” I thought this would be my chance at redemption and finally being able to decipher the mystery that is heterosexual male bonding. At 1st it was moderately exciting but I soon grew bored as I realized I had very little in common with this group of men: I don’t like sports; I have no desire to understand sports and I have no yearning to talk about women’s boobs and asses, cars, golf or hunting. I found myself in conversations watching their lips move but only hearing white noise, as I zoned out thinking about what I was going to cook for supper or when my next Botox treatment was. The only thing we had in common were a penis and even that commonality would fade into obscurity as our choice of usage conflicted. I found their bonding ritual queer and their topical conversations tedious, not even the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol could blur the dichotomy that is our lifestyles and interests.
When I had to participate in a fairly large scale move as part of the boys last week, I had an epiphany. The move was well organized, timed and executed with military precision. The only flaw in their well laid plan would be my role. As the “gay guy” in the group I presumed I would have a supervisory task (god forbid they would expect me to do any heavy lifting!) As fate would have it, they didn’t make any distinctions between members and therefore I would not receive any “special treatment”. I was to put in the same physical effort as all the other men – oh the horror! As I hauled my first 4 boxes up 3 flights of stairs being a member of the boys club seemed less and less appealing. This fairy wasn’t having fun anymore! I kept thinking to myself gays would pay people to do the heavy lifting for us as we would hire staff – it’s called job creation! Not wanting to disturb the peace I kept my mouth shut! After 3 hours of physical torture my ordeal was finally over. The move was finished and so was my membership to this club. Gay men and straight men can get along just fine, but personally I felt I over stayed my welcome in their testosterone filled world and desperately wanted to submerge myself back into my natural gay habitat doing gay things with gay people and talk about gay stuff. My final and appropriate salute to this “all boys club” was with the downing a few beers as I left their world shortly after chased with a margarita back in my natural gay biosphere.

The “all boys club” is a phenomenon that has been with us for centuries. Having infiltrated one such group and having been part of their bonding, activities and private discourse, I must say I found it less exciting than I anticipated. Straight guy’s interests, at times, seemed odd, boring and taxing. Being a member of the "testosterone club" definitely wasn’t one of the highlights of my social calendar. I wonder how straight men would fare spending a couple of weeks with their gay counterparts. Would our activities bore them as much as theirs did me? Would they actually enjoy some of the frivolous gay banter and reckless abandon of stereotypical male activities? This would be a challenge I would like to see.

Till next time.

So You're Having a Gay Baby!
Gay Comedian Jonny McGovern's 3 Dollar Bill featuring Murray Hill


Ál said...

May be due to the fact that I'm bisexual I can feel comfortable in both social environments, but I prefer not the sterotypical environments, but a good not frivolous conversation.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

why bother?! I bet all they do is burp and fart over there?!
But seriously, if you can't lift a few weights...gym sound interesting?! :)

Pierre said...

I do prefer getting my exercise in the gym. Even though I did grow tired of the testosterone club, I did find some aspects of the experience interesting. It wasn't all bad!

Chup-Chup said...

see it as an anthropological experience where u learned u prefer the "gay testosterone club" and u helped others to avoid the experience and just stick to what we know is good :)

Pierre said...

Thanks Chup-Chup, good advice. At least I've learnt from the experience. It's sometimes nice to broaden one's horizons. However, certain experiences I don't recommend.

Drew said...

Being gay isn't easy, and it's tougher for gay drug addicts to find treatment where people won't make them feel unwanted.

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