Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Shit they don’t tell you before you become a parent

There is some stuff I wish people would have told me before we became parents.  Not that “it will change your life” nonsense because, you would have to be mentally challenged if you don’t realize that.  Also, then it might not be the best idea for you to have children and perhaps you should first start with a small pet or a house plant.  The things I wish I were told before becoming a father is not unlike that T&C’s and/or fine prints you find in contracts.  Or the leaflets you find accompanying your medication.  We all know that we really should read them but, very few of us do.  So in case any of my readers are planning on or are becoming parents here are a few things you need to know and/or consider.

Children are a lot of work and you will never have any free time again.  Like. In. Forever.  Children require your full attention and when you don’t give it to them you can expect the apocalypse to happen.  Our son’s favorite thing to do right before he throws a tantrum is to pull his dummy out of his mouth hurling it at me or anywhere that will have the most dramatic effect, followed by a quivering lip promptly followed by inhaling a deep breath right before crying and/or screaming.  This normally happens if I take too long to tend to his needs or don’t pick him up even though my hands are full.  But giving them your full attention is not just about attending to their wants and needs, it is also crucial in keeping these little beasties alive.

Whenever your house gets really quiet you should know baby/toddler is up to something.  I have found that if I turn my back on our son, even for one second, or leave the room to go fetch something that it is enough time for him to not only be a danger to himself but also to everyone else.  He has almost electrocuted himself, have a dining room chair fall on him, the cat’s have been molested by him and he is known to love playing with his own vomit or pulling things off coffee tables, chairs and couches.  Also, playpens (or like I call them “baby jails”) only work up to a point; the point being when your child learns that the playpen is not nailed to the floor and that it can be picked up and manually moved.  Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a baby/toddler.  They are master escape artists and strategic thinkers.  They are smarter than you think and they know our weaknesses.

Children will also ruin your sex life.  When you have a child, gone are those days of spontaneity and now you will have to plan shit.  Normally the best time to have sex would be when baby is sleeping or napping.  So you have to work around their routine.  However, babies have a sixth sense for things like this and don’t be surprised when baby cries in the nursery while you are midsession in the bedroom.  Then you have to drop everything, compose yourself only to find out the big issue interrupting your coitus is his dummy being five inches away from your son and he is too lazy to reach for it himself.  Then the mood is spoiled and sexy time is over.  Also, when you come home from work and after having fed, bathed and put baby to bed you don’t feel sexy.  Mostly you are just too tired.  But sex is not the only thing your precious bundle of joy will ruin, there is more.

Your house will never be clean ever again.  Trying to clean up after your child is a futile exercise.  And if you suffer from OCD, like I do, it is the cruelest and also the best exposure therapy there is.  Our house used to be super clean but now it no longer is.  Just this past weekend we had our son’s baptism at home.  The house was semi clean; you know the kind of clean so that people don’t judge you but the kind of dirty that make you feel ashamed of yourself.  But after the baptism our house was the kind of dirty that freaked my OCD the fuck out.  However, I did nothing about it.  I knew our housekeeper was coming on Monday and I stopped caring if she judged me or what she thought of us four months ago already.  Children can be freeing like that.

Your child will also ,at some point, embarrass you in public.  Just a few weeks ago I was filling a script at our pharmacy.  Just as I reached the counter to pay and opened my wallet our son decided to vomit all over it and the counter.  Having been used to vomit by then I thought nothing of it,  so I grabbed a couple of tissues and wiped off my wallet and very moist credit card.  With the card having had small pieces of chicken and carrot on it with saliva.  I handed the card to the cashier and cleaned the counter.  I did not look up or made eye contact at all, rather opting to pretend that this was perfectly normal.  Obviously, the cashier took my card and swiped it with great trepidation and disgust.  But hey, what else was I suppose to do?  Was I expected to do an “I am sorry dance” and say three Hail Mary’s?

Babies and toddlers are nudists at heart and they have no shame.  Our son hates clothes and is at his happiest when he is naked.  This is why he loves bath time and being lathered up with lotion after but, as soon as he realizes that all that was actually building up to getting dressed then the production of “Clothes are from the Devil” starts.  He will cry and try and make it impossible to dress him.  Putting clothes on our son is like trying to dress an angry octopus with one hand while being blind folded.  I am also sure it burns a couple of thousand kilojoules which I don’t mind, I do want to lose some more weight.  And this leads me to my next point – distracting your child with illusions and trickery.

I have found the best way to get my son dressed or to change his nappy without fighting with an octopus is by distracting him with a toy.  It occupies him and lets me do what needs to get done.  Also, sometimes he would want to put things in his mouth off the floor that is just nasty and that is where magic comes in.  The item will then mysteriously disappear and as if by magic be replaced with something more appropriate.  All our remote controls also, according to him, magically disappear when he wants to play with them.  But in reality they are merely hidden behind the scatter cushions on our couch.  Fortunately, the bargaining and negotiating skills that we will soon need are still some time away.

Being a parent is hard work and people don’t tell you the exact details of this until after you have a child.  Perhaps this is why we as a species are not extinct yet.  As a parent you need some exceptional skills to be successful, you have to be a magician, a liar, hostage negotiator, psychic and have nerves of steel.  You must also have eyes in the back of your head and supersonic hearing.  That being said, I have learned so much about myself since becoming a father.  I have also learned that the one thing that is true about parenthood is that it is the most rewarding experience I have ever had in my life.  I will not exchange this experience for anything.

Till next time.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Back to Reality

Yes, I know I have been rather lazy blogging the last couple of months.  But in my defense I had shit going on.  Also, I know I really should not be using this kind of language because I now have a child but hey, he is going to hear these words eventually.  After four months of paternity leave I went back to work on Monday.  It feels strange being back in the office.  I mean I have time to myself, apart from work, and it feels like a mini holiday.  I know how it sounds but if you have kids you’d understand.

Over the weekend I was very down and moody.  The prospect of going back to work seemed like a nightmare.  I did not know how I would cope not being with my son 24/7.  I knew I would miss him terribly and I am.  Also, being the neurotic kind of person I am I also had irrational debates with myself.  You know the kind that people in psychiatric hospitals have when their meds aren’t working.  At least I didn’t hear voices or thought that I was Jesus.  I am not that crazy.  Yet.

Over the weekend my mind played around with a lot of "what ifs".  What if my son did not cope with going to granny’s during the week.  What if granny could not cope looking after my son.  What if my son loves granny more than he loves me.  What if when I am at work and something happens to my son.  There are a lot more what ifs that flooded my brain but I don’t want to bore you with my neuroticism and illogical parental reservations.  In the end of the day Monday came and went and nobody died and our little smiling and giggling tornado was a happy and content baby.

I still have issues with missing my son during the day at work and granny is not good at sending me proof of life pictures.  I want at least two picture of him a day and according to my husband this makes me an overbearing parent with unrealistic expectations.  After all granny raised him and his brother and was a day mother for many years and knows what she is doing.  But still, I am an overbearing parent and I am not ashamed of it.  Also I suspect it will only get worse with time.  But this is not the only issue hubby has.

Apparently I am also a helicopter dad who is someone that hovers.  Personally I would not call it “hovering”.  I am merely discreetly supervising and, at times, provideds hubby with some constructive advice.  Just the other day hubby was busy dressing our son and he was doing something wrong and when I “advised” him he chased me out of the nursery.  I wasn’t really offended by it but thought to myself if he wants to learn certain things the hard way then so be it.  And just so you know, in that instance our son cried through the whole ordeal.  Had hubby listened to me that would not have happened.  Just saying…

Since our son became mobile and is crawling everywhere and pulling himself up against anything he can, nothing in the house is safe anymore.  When our cats see Michael coming their way they get all nervous and our oldest cat has now developed a nervous twitch.  Our son used to be fine in his playpen but sometime about two weeks ago he realized that it was nothing more than a baby jail and he went all prison break on my ass.  The problem now is that he is so fast if you turn your back on him for a few seconds he is gone.  And most time I would find him near a power socket about to electrocute himself or about to throw over one of our three air purifiers.

Our house has now been baby proofed as well.  Luckily we had house bunnies and learned about bunny proofing the house a while ago.  Baby proofing is not all that different from bunny proofing but at least Michael is not chewing on our couch or electrical cords.  Also, our son knows when he has done something wrong.  Just the other day he threw over one of the air purifiers and started crying because he thought I would be mad at him.  The same thing happened when he threw over the dustbin in the nursery and almost broke a glass by pushing over a small table.  At least he only do things like this once and learn from his experiences.

The biggest challenge I have being back at work now and not being with my son 24/7 is the fact that I will miss out on small things.  Every week since we got him he has done something new and I was the first one to see it.  Now that privilege falls to granny and I am crazy jealous.  Unfortunately this is the downside of not having the luxury of being a stay at home dad.  These days we cannot afford for one parent to stay at home and look after the kids.  Both parents need to work in order to provide the best possible life for our children.  It is by no means ideal but a sad reality.

It will still take me a couple of weeks to get over my shit, separation anxiety and neuroticism.  People tell me it gets easier but right now I think they are lying bastards.  I know I complained some days about having had to change six teething diapers, that our son was particularly difficult that day or that I was tired.  But now I miss all that.  Being back at work feels strange; I now have time to focus on something else and give it my full attention without being interrupted by bodily fluids.  I can have adult conversations with people and can go to the bathroom when I want to and do so alone.  But still I feel guilty.  The guilt I think is normal and will go away.  We all just need to adjust to our new reality and soon it will seem normal.  I hope.

Till next time.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

How not to react when your child tells you he is gay

I watched (or rather listened) to this video earlier today and was horrified! If you love your child how the fuck can you react this way? Being a parent now I have come to learn that your love for your child should be unconditional. It is incomprehensible that parents can act like this. They disgust me! 

Monday, August 25, 2014

Imprison homosexuals for "10 Years Hard Labor". WTF?!

I am rolling my eyes so hard I think I can see my own brain. You know, the one this asshole clearly doesn't have. Also, maybe all that turning around made him dizzy causing him not to be able to think "straight".

Friday, August 22, 2014

ARMAGAYDDON: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Yes, it is happening. The gays are getting married, having families and slowly gaining equal rights.  Will all this lead to the end of the world as we know it?

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Reasons my son cries

This is not a real blog post but more something parents can relate to.  Also, I am not writing a real blog post because our son is teething and it isn’t fun for anybody, especially not for him.  Having been a parent now for just over three months I have come to learn that babies cry because of the weirdest things.  So I decided to list 20 reasons why my son cries.
  1. I would not allow him to drown in the bath.
  2. I would not allow him to electrocute himself.
  3. The cat walked away after he tried to suck on his tail.
  4. He is tired but refuses to sleep.
  5. I did not allow him to play with his own vomit.
  6. I did not allow him to play with his poopy diaper.
  7. The playpen.
  8. Clothes because he likes being naked.
  9. I took 5 seconds too long to give him his bottle.
  10. He couldn’t find his ugly dummy.
  11. I forgot his favorite chew toy in the car.
  12. He dropped his favorite chew toy while in his walking ring.
  13. The bunnies ran away when they saw him.
  14. I wouldn’t allow him to suck on my shoes.
  15. I wouldn’t give him the remote control.
  16. I didn’t allow him to suck on my iPhone.
  17. He got startled by a teddy bear.
  18. He got his foot stuck in the cot while trying to get out of it.
  19. I went to the bathroom and didn’t take him with.
  20. The first time he tasted banana.

Obviously my son also cries because he is teething and it hurts but I am sure as he becomes more mobile (starts walking) there will be plenty other and new reasons for tears.

Till next time.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Gay Men Read 50 Shades of Grey

Well I tried reading it and then got grossed out. Here is what some other homos thought about it.

Death, Teething and Craziness

So I am not dead, got abducted by aliens or disappeared off the face of the earth due to the reaping.  I took a month off from blogging mostly because babies are a lot of work and I needed a break.  But I am back now.  A lot happened during the month I was away, some good and other things not so much.  I have always had a theory about the month of August, mostly that it sucks and it is a fucked up month. This year it proved to be no different.

Let me start with the good news first.  Last week we got the great news that our adoption of our son was approved by the court and that our son is now legally ours.  Nobody can take him away from us anymore which is a good thing because that would have had to happen over my cold dead body.  He has been such a joy in our lives and it feels like we have always had him.  It is strange how quickly one adapts to parenthood and how it seems as if there is just this parental switch that gets flipped in your brain and parenting just comes naturally.  Not that it is by any means easy.

Michael started teething and his first tooth is out.  This happened with a lot of tears, tantrums and the flu.  All-in-all I now have a healthy dislike of teeth.  Teething is a painful experience for all involved.  One of the hardest things is when your son cries after he had his medication and teething gel and nothing seems to be working.  Eventually all you are left to do is hold and comfort him which makes you feel helpless and like a bad parent.  There were also the odd occasions where I cried with him and every time that happened our son would give me this look that says “What the fuck is wrong with you.  I am the one in pain here.”  But we made it through the first one, now there are nineteen left to go.  God help us.

This month was also a month of tragedy for our zoo.  We lost two more pets this month.  Earlier in the year our oldest cat passed away due to a stroke.  Now earlier this month our angora bunny died from blood cancer and on Sunday Nikita, the matriarch of the house, passed away from organ failure due to old age.  It feels like death has been doing the rounds in our street this month.  Our neighbor’s son also committed suicide by shooting himself in their garden.  It’s all very tragic and it has been a shitty start to a shitty month.  Luckily we are half way through Hell Month and let’s just hope that nothing else bad happens.

Everyone in our household has also had the flu and as luck will have it mine doesn’t want to go away.  As I sit here I feel like death warmed up and like the CDC should come and decontaminate our house before my flu evolves into becoming the Ebola virus.  I caught the flu from our son due to exposure.  And with exposure I mean that Michael was a little snot factory and inadvertently some of the snot must have ended up in my mouth.  Gross I know.  Babies can be assholes like that.  Also, nobody told me how dirty babies can be and perhaps that is a good thing.  If they are sick everything is covered in snot mixed in with the occasional vomit.  And when they vomit they usually do it on you.  I can’t remember the last time I was 100% clean.

One good thing that happened since we got our son is that my OCD has gotten better albeit unintentionally.  You see after you have been vomited on, peed on and been shit on a couple of times you become somewhat immune.  Also, our lounge is constantly in a varying state of chaos with toys being scattered everywhere.  I localized the chaos by buying Michael a playpen or as I like to call it – a baby jail.  This has two advantages: 1. The chaos is centralized and contained; and 2. Michael can’t get out of it which means I can go to the bathroom alone.

Finally, a couple of weeks ago I was diagnosed with “Bipolar Disorder not otherwise specified”.  As some of you know I have been battling depression my whole life and I always suspected that I was Bipolar.  But sailing down the river of denial is more pleasant than facing the reality.  My psychiatrist finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together.  My chronic insomnia, OCD, social phobia, depression and my hypomania were all classic bipolar symptoms.  Luckily for me I suffer from the milder form of the disorder and I prefer to view it as my eccentricity because mental illness sounds so vulgar.

As you can see the last month was no picnic.  No wonder I didn’t get around to blogging.  Had I done so the blog posts would have been even more depressing than this one.  Nobody likes to read about death and depressing shit besides the people who do because they want to feel that their lives are not so bad in comparison.  And people like that are assholes and you know who you are.  Hopefully things will get better from here and that our remaining pets will not die, the other nineteen teeth will be less traumatic than the first, no more people I know will kill themselves and that my mood will stay stable.  Now cheer up and go do something fun.

Till next time.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

100 Years of Gay Couples

20 Pictures of gay couples covering 100 years.  Yes, we have been around forever.

Friday, June 20, 2014

In My Shoes: Stories of Youth with LGBT Parents

In My Shoes is a documentary in which fie young people who are children of LGBT parents give yo a chance to walk in their shoes - to hear their own views on marriage, making change and what it means to be a family.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

I am covered in vomit and got pooped on. This is my life now.

Tomorrow I will have been a dad for a month.  Can you believe it?  Since becoming a father I have learned a couple of things that people don’t tell you prior into entering into fatherhood:  For starters I have had to make peace with the fact that I will never be completely clean again; Doing things I did before will now take me five times longer; I had learned that I can do so many more things with one hand that I could have ever imagined; and dealing with another human being’s bodily fluids is gross but you get use it.

The first couple of weeks since bringing home our son were a huge learning curve for all of us.  Babies don’t come with instructions and they communicate with you in one of three ways – smiling and cute sounds (which is adorable and nice), crying (not so nice) and screaming (the world is ending and we will all die).  Luckily for us Michael is a relatively easy baby and he only becomes stabby when he is hungry.  Also, apparently if he doesn’t get his bottle after the first three subtle hints that he is ravenous (which I am now acutely attuned to) the apocalypse is upon us and his vocal acrobatics during the perceived end of his world is astonishingly and ear piercingly loud.

During this month I have also realized that your baby’s poop is very important.  In fact so important that it is the first thing hubby and I discuss in the morning and several times during the day.  Charming isn’t it?  You determine your baby’s general health by their amount of poop, times he pooped in a day, its color, its smell and its texture.  Frankly, this grossed me the hell out the first two week but then something miraculous happened – I started looking at his poop scientifically and then it all changed.  I no longer gag with each poopy diaper and I now can manage to mentally block out the smell.  You know that smell that can linger in your nostrils longer than it should.  Yes, that smell!

The only time I really got freaked out by poop was when I learned that projectile poop is not an urban baby legend.  It’s real people! And it is fucking disgusting!  I made this unfortunate discovery last week.  I was busy changing Michael’s nappy in which he pooped and as I was cleaning him evidently he was not quite done pooping yet.  He let out a fart that was actually a poop and it sprayed all over me.  I nearly died!  I stood there in total disbelieve and denial while holding Michael’s legs in the air with one hand, a wet wipe in the other and I was totally dumbfounded as what I was supposed to do next.

Do I finish changing Michael’s nappy while covered in shit? Or do I clean myself first and then finish changing his nappy?  It was a real profound debate I had in my head that lasted probably three minutes.  I decided that even though I wanted to throw up, felt like I was dying due to my OCD and gagging from the smell, that it would be good parenting to first finish changing Michael’s nappy before attending to myself.  I remember thinking to myself, as I was soldiering through, that nobody has ever shit on me before and I pray to God that it will never happen again.  But, we all know in all probability it will.  If poop is not bad enough vomit is worse.

I am not a fan of vomit.  This is also the reason why I will never be able to suffer from bulimia.  I don’t like to vomit.  I don’t like it when other people vomit. And most of all – I don’t like being vomited on.  It is right up there with being shit on.  Unfortunately babies vomit and in eight out of ten times Michael do it, it is on me.  People I am so over vomit right now I can’t even begin to tell you.  Apparently it is normal for babies and they out grow it.  When I asked our pediatrician exactly when this happens he told me it depends on the baby and they are all different in that regard.  Which was totally the wrong answer I was looking for and he probably saw it on my face.  Luckily Michael’s vomiting has gotten better, but it still happens every so often.  Some days are better than others.

The last important thing I learned was this morning.  Michael is on starter solids now.  In simple terms for people who don’t have kids, starter solids is basically food that has been totally transformed in a food processor from something that looks appetizing to a rather unappetizing paste like substance.  One day when you are old and toothless you will become acquainted with it.  Michael has taken to solids quite well.  After all he loves eating for which I am grateful.  However, timing when feeding your baby is very important; as a parent you need to have a crystal ball handy to be able to predict each and every eventuality before it happens while feeding your baby.

You must be able to predict when your baby will be sticking his hands in his mouth while he has food in it and prevent him from doing that.  If you don’t there will be a mess.  You have to know when you look away for a split second that your baby will stick his hands in his plate and rub sweet potato purity all over his face and clothes.  If you don’t there will be an early bath and wardrobe change.  And like what happened to me this morning you have to be able to predict when your baby is going to sneeze while his mouth is full of food.  If you don’t you, your baby and everything around you will be covered in a carrot and mince puree.  Lovely, and then not only will there be two wardrobe changes but cleaning as well.

I cannot believe I have been a dad for a month already.  It is a lot of work, it’s messy work and physical work.  I have almost lost 5kg as a result.  But that being said it is extremely rewarding work and not a day goes by that I don’t look at Michael with total amazement and pure joy.  Not a day goes by that I am not in total awe of this little human and the blessing he is.  Being a dad is awesome.  Except when it is not, you know that 2% of the time when you are pooped and vomited on.

Till next time.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Price of Admission

Pretending that your spouse isn't annoying is the "Price of Admission" you have to pay for a long term relationship.  Just ask my long suffering hubby of 16 years. I am annoying as hell. 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

If Gay Guys said the shit Straight People say to us...

Daniel-Ryan Spaulding is a Comedian based in Europe, exploring gender, sexuality, culture, stereotypes & identity. For More Videos & Tour Dates this Summer: @dr_spaulding SUBSCRIBE to the Channel & Join Facebook Fan Page: www.facebook.com/danielryanspaulding

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I have been a dad for a week and nobody died

Today a week ago our lives were permanently changed forever, for the better.  Last week this time we were in Cape Town to fetch our son.  After ten months of waiting we finally reached the final stage of our adoption journey and it was both thrilling and petrifying at the same time.  Thrilling because we finally got to meet our son and bring him home and petrifying because we had no clue what the hell we were doing.

One thing I realized last week was that when you are travelling with a baby is that people at airports are so much nicer to you.  As most of you know airport security and I have no love for each other; mainly because I am always treated like a suicide bomber or drug mule by them.  But last week was completely different.  I managed to board the flight with things airport security is convinced can bring down a plane: deodorant, nail clippers and four bottles exceeding the liquid limit.

Also, I set off each and every metal detector and nobody molested me with that frisking business.  When security wanted to question me about the said contraband which their x-ray machine picked up I just said “Shsss… my baby is sleeping” and I was let go and not taken into a brightly lit back room and stripped searched as I have become accustomed to.

On our flight back with Michael I was a bit worried.  I have always been one of those people who got annoyed when people board one of my flights with a baby.  Now I have become one of those people.  I was concerned that with the change of air pressure with the ascent and descent that his ears would hurt and that he would cry.  Then that I would cry and that the cabin crew would have to take both of us to the back of the plane and drug us while hubby pretends not to know who we are.  Luckily this didn’t happen.  Michael drank his bottle on takeoff and slept like the angel he is through the duration of the flight.

We couldn’t believe our luck with our son.  He was so well behaved and once we got home we gave him his last bottle before bedtime and decided to bath him.  That is when all hell broke loose.  We apparently bathed him wrong and he threw a tantrum the likes I have not seen since Cher announced that she was retiring from touring.  He screamed and he was only 2% bathed before we abandoned the idea completely, dried him off, dressed him in a cute onesie and settled him to bed.  He gave us both a look that I could swear meant “What. The. Fuck. You have no idea what you are doing?” and he was right.
The next day the Kangaroo mom phoned me and told me that our bath was probably not hot enough and that we should act with more determination when we bath him.  Her advice worked and our boy now loves bath time.  The Kangaroo mom also gave us a schedule.  Being OCD and suffering from anxiety I LOVE schedules, lists and order in general.  It makes me feel safe and this is what separates us from the animals.  Our son seems to agree with me on this.  Or at least he did until Sunday.

I was told some time ago that babies can be assholes sometimes.  They just are and there is nothing that you can do about it.  I never believed this until Sunday morning.  Everything went well until around 8am that morning.  Michael decided to cry for no reason.  He didn’t have a wind, dirty nappy, was hungry, tired or was being snagged by his clothes.  He was crying which later turned into full out screaming.  He screamed for a full hour, eight minutes and twenty five seconds.  He was being an asshole and we all needed a hug after because he freaked us the fuck out and whatever it was that he cried/screamed about was out of his system.  Also, he gave me three new grey hairs because of it.  Luckily we have not had a similar dramatic performance of “I am screaming because I can” since from him.

Michael is a delightful baby and is actually really easy to take care of.  I cannot believe that one can fall in love with a little human so quickly.  He has only been with us a week and I cannot imagine our lives without him.  However, I can imagine my life without another one of his weapons of mass destruction in his diapers though.  Poopy diapers are vile and I believe they are the way God punishes us for being shitty children to our parents.  What makes it worse is each time I have to change a poopy diaper and gags Michael laughs at me.  He is very proud of his poop and loves seeing me nauseous.

We are lucky that Michael sleeps through the night.  Between 7pm and 05:30am the only times he makes us get up is because he lost his gawd awful dummy.  Then we just find it, give it to him and he falls back asleep again.  The whole routine literally takes ten seconds at most.  So we are not sleep deprived at all.  However, getting out of our PJ’s before 11am is almost impossible.  I also have now for a week smelled either of sour milk due to baby vomit or Avon baby lotion and sometimes of both.  I have also gone to the shop with my shirt covered in baby vomit without noticing it or actually caring.  People who judge baby vomit stained shirts are assholes.

It is still early days of parenthood for us but thus far Michael has been a blessing and a joy.  Some nights I just sit by his cot and watch him sleep and every time he wakes up from a nap and gives me that beautiful smile of his when he sees me melts my heart.  I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that I am now a dad.  I am just so very surprised at how naturally it has come to me.  I mean I have always said when I was younger that I never wanted kids. And look at me now. My life feels complete and whole and we are all three tremendously happy.  Well, until the next hour long tantrum that is.

Till next time.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

We got "The Call"

After ten months of an agonizing wait it finally happened. This week we got “The Call”. The call we were hoping and waiting for. The call that would say that our lives will now forever be changed. The call that would make hubby and I and our family so incredible happy. The call that said we are now going to be a family.
When we started on our adoption journey in August of 2013 we entered into the process being very optimistic. However, we soon learned that adoption is a very emotional process fraught with emotional pitfalls that one should navigate around with the greatest of care. I will not lie and say that the process was easy because it was not.

We have had some fights along the way. Hubby and I have fought with each other. We have fought with our social worker. We have even fought with ourselves. Mostly this happened out of sheer frustration and most of the fights hubby and I had were over stupid things that we now look back on going “What the hell was wrong with us”.

The hardest part of the adoption process is not the screening, the psychometric assessments, the interviews, home visit or panel interview. The fact that adoption is not a cheap venture was also not such an issue. The hardest part of the adoption process is, after all is said and done and you are finally declared paper pregnant, the long wait. The waiting can kill you. Or possibly drive you nuts.
We have been paper pregnant since November 2013 and to be honest very few days passed since then that I didn’t think about whether our baby was born yet. Very few conversation between hubby and I did not include the adoption in them. So we did what we could to occupy our minds. We prepared the nursery, bought all the things we could buy that we would need. We even had our baby shower in February this year.  

It was like we were psychically willing our child into this world. We dreamed about babies. We noticed the gazillions of people with babies, gay and straight, in the shops and at restaurants. Isn’t it weird how you all of a sudden see babies everywhere while you are waiting for yours? It was like we were being tortured and tormented by the universe as we were reminded around every corner of that we were waiting for.

Then on Monday, as I was heading to my Botox appointment, I got the call. Well, actually I got two. The first one was to inform me that we have a baby and the second one was to arrange for a meeting for the next day. As hubby’s Botox appointment was before mine I sent him a text that read “Wait for me outside and under NO circumstances can you leave. This is important!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hubby probably thought I discovered something about our plastic surgeon online that freaked me out. Or that I WebMD self-diagnosed myself with the Ebola Virus again. But this time it obviously was nothing like that at all. I have not self-diagnosed myself with an exotic disease in ages. As I arrived at our surgeon’s office hubby was waiting for me and was all like “Are you dying again” and I was like “We are all going to die someday. You are stuck with me and I am going to live well into my nineties and you are not allowed to die before me!

Then I told him the great news. He was in tears which also almost made me cry but I never do that in public. Very few people have ever seen me cry. Also, when I cry I prefer to do it in private as it ain’t pretty people. It’s like my gift to society. You’re welcome.

We were both overjoyed. After ten months we are finally going to be parents to a three month old little boy. As I started wrapping my brain around the idea the rest of that day I was overcome with both excitement and being utterly terrified. I mean, I have never had a baby. I have only changed a nappy once in my life and generally babies scared me. Now I am going to have one of my own. Will I even know what to do? What if I fuck up? What if I am a bad parent? Can I afford all the therapy my child may someday need because he has an eccentric dad?
After freaking out a realization hit me. We are not the first parents to go through this. All parents go through this with their first child. This is probably exactly what they must have felt like; except they are not my kind of crazy. The sense that other people before me suffered gave me a sense of relief.

Also, our son is three months old and past most of the crappy and awkward baby stuff newborns go through. He is still a baby and I am sure we will have plenty of sleepless nights ahead but I plan on savoring and enjoying every second of it. Yes, even if I am covered in baby poop at 3 o’clock in the morning and he won’t stop crying. I will so Blog and Facebook that. With pictures.

Next week we will be fetching our son and I cannot wait. After the meeting we will have this afternoon we will be booking flights as soon as we find out what our court date and time is. It is exciting times in our household. The cats and bunnies have no idea what they are in for. The whole lot of us will be sleep deprived and our little zoo is now getting a little prince. He is the blessing that we longed for. I cannot believe this is finally happening. I. Am. So. Happy.

To read more about our adoption journey click HERE

Till next time.
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