An Open Letter to Porn Addicts. You Know Who You Are.

If you are reading this you were probably on Google searching for porn and landed on my blog by accident.  But, before you put down the tissues and lube to close this window, I just want to first ask you a couple of questions, if that’s ok?  It’s totally anonymous but you should probably clear your search history when you are done, just to be on the safe side.  I mean, I have seen your search terms that landed you on my blog and you seem pretty messed up.  Honestly, the visuals I now have in my head are going to give me nightmares and will most probably cost me a couple of thousand bucks extra for therapy.

But enough about me, let’s get back to you.  I want you to clarify a few things for me about the stuff you search for on the internet, you know, the things that “help you get off”; the same things that accidentally landed you here.  Look I am grateful for any hits I get on my blog no matter where they “cum” from but some of your search terms just confuse me, and I don’t mean the obvious ones either.  So let’s get started.  Also, if you are not a porn addict, you should totally read this too.

The first thing that troubled me is how many times you search the internet for Clown Porn.  I know that is a “fetish thing” because I blogged about it once before and I am still traumatized by it.  Also, being terrified of clowns and believing there are way too few clown stabbings in the world I don’t understand how this is a fetish at all to start with.  Firstly, clowns should never have sex.  Period!

Clowns belong in the circus and that is why I have not been to a circus, other than Cirque du Soleil, in well over thirty years.  Clowns are way too jovial and wear way too much makeup.  Besides, if a clown was in anyway sexual or, god forbid, ever made a sexual advance at me, I would die.  Literally. Actually I would most probably first pee my pants, run away and then die.  Also, imagining a clown orgy, of any kind, is unsettling on so many levels I would not even know where to start expressing my mental outrage.  If you have a clown porn fetish you should be ashamed of yourself and it is something you should totally declare to your therapist who is treating you for having such a shitty childhood.  Bozo the clown says “Shame. On. You.”  And there is no Bozo the clown who works in porn.  I checked!

The next search term confused the hell out of me.  “Gay fellations anus blogspot”.  Firstly, I think you meant to write fellatio and you need to work on your spelling.  Do you expect Google to correct your spelling forever?  Secondly, in context of that search term I think you wanted to find a blogspot about rimming and/or blow jobs.  And in case you didn’t know, those are two very different things.  Seeing as I am not a pornographer or a sex therapist I am not going to guide you through these two types of oral sex.  I suggest that next time you Google these types of things that you first check your spelling and be more specific.  The only “oral” you are going to get from my blog is “oral diarrhea” that comes mostly from me and of which this particular blog post is a prime example of and, for that I apologize. I'm not a very good blogger. Although I have won awards but the people that gave me those awards were in all probability drunk. But I digress.

Unfortunately not all the porn searches that landed people on my blog were so straight forward.  Some were rather disturbing and resulted in me also having to do a brief internet search.  A good example of this was “adderall and diaper fetish”.  Firstly, adderall is drug used to treat Narcolepsy and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).  Why you would have an adderall and diaper fetish in the same context, I don’t know.  I mean, do you want to be a chilled out baby?  Do you like shitting in your pants while your on a psycho pharmaceutical induced buzz?

If you suffer from Parafilic Infatilism or as it is also known, Adult Baby Syndrome, you need to see a psychiatrist because grown men are not supposed to shit themselves on purpose.  The only time which that is really ok is if you are in fact a baby.  Sure I have a background in psychology but there is a reason I don’t have a practice: I don’t like dealing with crap like this and if you are a grown man who likes shitting in diapers you really aren’t the type of person I want to associate with anyway or would want to treat as a patient. I don't want to be your daddy!

More disturbing than grown men wanting to behave like babies are some of your searches that deal with Donkeys.  Sure this is sort of my own fault as I have been going on about wanting a gay donkey on my blog and that we would call him our “challenged unicorn”.  But how you managed to sexualize poor donkeys is just wicked and scary.

Normal people don’t search for donkeys having sex with each other and if this turns you on I have serious concerns about the health of your sex life.  Also furry gay donkeys do not want to sign porn deals with people, because they are, you know – fucking donkeys!  Let them be and stop creating a market for gay donkey porn!  They are sensitive innocent creatures who should not be corrupted by your need to get off on them getting off.  They are bloody unicorns in disguise.  They are magical for fuck sakes!  …I apologize for my rant, I just really like donkeys y’all…

The last thing I want to address is how obsessed you are with your anus and the plethora of “anus” searches that landed people on my blog.  I still don’t know how Google links this particular search to my blog but hey, it is what it is.  The new trend some people are into these days, according to my blog statistics, is “fire in anus”.  And no, I am not fucking with you!  I am not sure what they do but it just sounds dangerous and painful.

Are people literally setting their assholes on fire?  Is “fire” a euphemism for something else?  Is “fire in your anus” a new STD?  I don’t know what kinky sexual shit the kids are into these days or what new sex lingo they have but I think somebody should notify the medical fraternity and forewarn them that there may be a few new anal burn wounds coming their way.  I, for one, know that I wouldn’t want a fire in my anus, but hey maybe that’s just me.

Look, I don’t judge a person for surfing porn on the internet; after all that is what most people use it for anyway.  Also, there is nothing wrong with sexual fetishes, although I don’t understand why some people find certain things that I find gross sexually arousing, but hey, we cannot all be the same.  If you want to tie your boyfriend up and do unsanitary things to him, well I guess that is your prerogative.  If you want to wear diapers and dress up in an onesie, it is your choice but just know people will judge you.  So if you landed on my blog due to searching any of the search terms I wrote about today, welcome.  Also, I am sorry that you didn’t find what you were looking for.  You can now take your tissues and lube and close this window.  That will be all. Happy porn surfing you freaks.

Till next time.

Gay Guys React To Gay Porn

We all know gay guys dabble in gay porn, but what do we really think about porn today?
 

Clown Porn: The Circus is Cuming to Town!

You know what they say about men with big feet, is the same true of clowns? Well, just the other day this disturbing conundrum was forced into my psyche by one of my loyal and well meaning blog readers. This led me teetering down an upsetting path of discovery of just how bizarre human sexual fetishes can be. I never knew it existed and now that I do, my coulrophobia has spring into overdrive!

I have written about strange sexual fetishes before: Golden showers, Belgium Chocolate, S&M, Scarfing, Furring, Fisting, to mention but a few. They are weird, unhygienic, could possibly be dangerous and attracts a selected few individuals who just can’t get aroused or shoot their load if they’re not being peed on, defecated on, strangled, whipped or chained. But now Bozo the Clown seems to have stepped out of the Circus Ring and into the Porn Studio where he has swapped squirting water into people’s faces to squirting bodily fluids from things other than fake flowers.

Yes it’s true! There is such a thing as Clown Porn as I wincingly discovered. You see after receiving an e-mail from one of my readers I decided to go to Google. I changed my search setting from "vanilla" to "hardcore", went to image search, typed in “Clown Porn” and pressed enter. What appeared on my screen was more unsettling than the movie IT by Stephen King. Bozo the clown, Coco, Scruffy and others lost their innocence and were doing nasty things, sexual things and things clowns really should not be seen doing or be seen having done to them.

Personally, I have never liked clowns, they freak me out and I am scared to death of them! I have always thought there was something macabre and evil about clowns and now I am certain. After all you never quite really know what the person behind the makeup looks like, what true feelings or urges they are masking behind their silly acts and what their true motives are behind those chilling laughs. I have never trusted clowns and not in my wildest imagination (and it gets pretty wild sometimes) did I think off clowns as ever being sexual or God forbid – SEXY!

But, evidently there are people who do see clowns as sexual objects and are aroused by them. There are people with twisted circus erotic fantasies and people who want to do unspeakable things to Bozo the clown and have him do unmentionable things to them. Maybe they enjoyed the circus a little too much as children. Maybe instead of reading Playboy or Playgirl they got off by watching clowns perform and misguidedly misinterpreted it as burlesque shows. It is wrong and twisted on so many levels that I can’t even begin to fathom it!

I take solace in the fact that this clown fetish phenomenon is currently largely a niche and heterosexual thing. However, I suspect it’s not long before a Gay Clown Porn movie is made. I for one most certainly would not have any interest, whatsoever, to watch it, as I would have nightmares for months or even years to come. I can’t even imagine what the story line and setting of such a queer film would be. The circus seems too obvious and a children’s party would just be wrong and not to mention illegal. Would Bozo venture into plumbing, mechanics, the army, a sexy camping trip or be kidnapped by sexy Amazon men? Or would poor old Bozo be lost in the streets looking for his circus tent and then be sexually exploited by a bunch of street thugs? Who knows, the possibilities are endless.  And the thought troubling. 

As disturbing as this is to me, I wonder how the clown community feels about this. Are they livid and disgusted too? Having almost been blinded and made nauseous by my Google Image search, I proceeded to do a normal Internet search on Clown Porn, for the purpose of being thorough. There actually is a website called “Stop Clown Porn Now”. Naively I visited their website, thinking the creator(s) would have been just as appalled as I was. But, on closer inspection, their website was nothing more than a Clown Porn Directory disguised as something else. Clearly Clown Porn freaks have a twisted sense of humour, is shrewd and this led me to my next puzzling question.

How do you know if your lover is a Clown Porn Freak? In all probability the first tell tale sign would be if he gets super excited when he hears the circus is coming to town, then when at the circus he pitches his own tent in his pants when the clowns enters the ring. Your suspicion should also be roused when the circus programs with Bozo’s face on it have not been discarded weeks after the circus have left, and have now became all wrinkly and crusty. You should really be worried when you lover comes home in October with two clown costumes with accompanied clown paraphernalia, and when asked about the odd purchase he tells you it’s for Halloween. Finally, all suspicion should be gone the night he enters your bedroom dressed as the clown Funking Frankie and then enters you calling you his bitch Coco!

When it comes to sex the human race is a Pandora’s Box of the strange and bizarre. All people have their own flavours and preferences, whether it’s silk or leather, cowboy or clown. Whatever you are into you will find pornography that depicts your every fantasy, twisted as it may be. Today I learned something new and this I know for certain – when the circus is coming to town I’ll be not go and stay clear of clowns!

Till next time.

The Black Party: Fetish

This Will Forever Ruin Porn for You

The other day I had a rather unpleasant run in with a certain South African.  He is trying to launch himself into a porn career in the USA.  The whole experience left me quite perturbed about this guy’s life choices, the fantasy world he finds himself trapped in and his shortsightedness about his own future.  In all honesty, I felt sad for him.  But hey, it is not my business if someone I don’t even know well is fucking up their own life, right?  But this left me to wonder, do we ever think about the people who are in the porn movies we watch?  Who they really are and how they ended up doing porn?  And if we did would we still watch it?

I have nothing against porn.  I have watched my fair share in my life and if there are people who choose to make a living by having sex in front of the cameras, amongst other things, all the power to them.  However, I do have to admit that I have sometimes watched these movies and wondered what went wrong in these people’s lives that caused them to end up where they are.  Did they decide to go down this path out of necessity or by choice?

Out of all the career choices out there I am not sure how someone wakes up one morning and decide that porn is the career choice for them.  I mean the requirements for the job are rather superficial.  You do not require any talent, you don’t have to be smart or educated, you don’t require any acting skills at all, and as was evident with the South African, you don’t even have to be particularly attractive.  However, what you do require is a good to fair body, the ability to do things with your orifices that could potentially damage them forever and if you don’t fit those criteria all you need is a very large penis.

Also, quite disturbing is the fact that the majority of porn stars out there are also prostitutes on the side.  Probably to help them make ends meet during those times when they aren’t working or getting work.  With the new revival of bareback porn amidst the real threat of contracting HIV (even with PrEP that is supposed to prevent infection) these men are also risking their lives every time they shoot a scene.  Not to mention what happens when they rent themselves out to clients who may be less than honest about their medical statuses.  It is worrisome that these men would risk their lives all for the sake of money.

The word “porn star” is also a very strange concept to me because are these guys really “stars”?  Are they actually famous?  When one thinks about it they really aren’t.  Most of these guys’ shelf life is normally just a couple of years, if that long.  Their time being cut short either by them getting ill, when long term drug abuse takes its toll on their bodies and/or their lives or when the porn houses find younger better looking guys to replace them.  And then what happens to them?

This is where the real problem comes in.  Sure they have made their money while doing porn but I doubt that any of them have the foresight of investing it.  What happens when they run out of money and they actually have to find a real job?  Sure using an alias while doing porn seemingly will protect their true identities.  But with the internet these days just merely using an alias would not hide their debauched backgrounds from their future employers.  With just a couple of keystrokes any future employer will easily unearth their previous illustrious careers and unfortunately this will make most of these guys unemployable.  They would be a huge reputational risk to any company. Where will they end up then?  Have you ever heard of any porn star making it to the Fortune 500 list?

As for my run in with the South African it was pure coincidence.  I used to be Facebook friends with him but he was a casualty of one of my many Facebook friends’ cleanup efforts.  I stumbled upon his profile by chance and saw that he was travelling through the USA and I thought “Ah, good for him.  Wonder what he is doing with his life now”.  Then I discovered that he was working for one of the well-known porn houses over there.  On first inspection of his profile it appears as if he wanted to create the impression that he was doing modelling, however it soon became evident that he was doing anything but modelling in the true sense of the word.  I was disappointed.

I thought he had so much more potential than this and my first thought was what his parents would say.  No parent in their right mind would want their child to do pornography or be proud of that fact.  Being a parent myself I can honestly say I would be mortified.  I did comment to that effect on his profile and tried to do so in the most respectful way I possibly could.

However, he did not respond well to my concern, rather opting to attack me and my child:  Saying that we would use our son as a “sex slave” and that I was a child molester because he could “see it in my eyes”.  I didn’t take this boorish attack personally.  I mean how could I?  It’s not like he was speaking from any moral high ground whatsoever.  He also wasn’t the type of person whom has proved to have sound judgment or to be a good judge of character.  His own behavior and life choices tarnished his credibility in all these areas so I just decided to let it go.

I don’t pretend to understand people or why they sometimes make life choices that, deep down, they know they will regret someday.  People who go into porn probably have their own reasons for doing so and I hope they do so comprehending the consequences thereof.  I hope they know that their porn career will follow them around for the rest of their lives and will encroach in all other aspects of their lives as well, possibly at the most inconvenient of times.  Possibly at the times they can least afford it.  It will impact on their future relationships, their family and careers or hopes thereof.  When I watch porn now, I see the failed dreams and the failed aspirations of people who made certain life choices that will haunt them for days to come. 

Till next time

Sex Littering

There are a few things in life that make my blood boil.  Well, actually that is a lie.  There are a great many things in life that causes the veins in my head to throb.  Mostly I can overcome such emotional inconveniences by counting to ten or proactively popping a pill for it.  However, every now and again I am caught off guard causing me to briefly behave like an emotionally disturbed child accompanied by a nervous tick in my left eye.  This past weekend was one such an occasion as I was confronted with one of my top ten pet peeves – sex littering.

Now before you ask me what sex littering is let me explain.  Sex littering is when someone leaves behind certain items that they used during coitus in a public space for everyone to see or, when a certain deranged bitch throws her husband’s porn DVD’s over your wall into your back yard.  I am aware that the latter is unusual and doesn’t happen to most people.  However, it has happened to me. Twice!  You see our neighbor’s, which I have always referred to here as the “undesirables”, has an extremely tumultuous relationship.  Sometimes their emotional turbulence interferes with my inner peace and I have called the police on them before.  But this new turn of events had me baffled.

Sometime during the beginning of the year I was strolling through our back garden when I saw something shining as the light caught it in the foliage.  Upon closer inspection it looked like a CD or DVD that was lying face down.  Being naturally curious by nature I Indiana Jonesed my way through the foliage and picked it.  When I eventually got it and turned it around I was both shocked and very confused.  After all I am a very innocent, sensitive and impressionable person.  I was mortified to discover that it was a hardcore straight porn DVD.  “What. The. Fuck.” came out of my mouth before I could help it.  Why was it in our back garden and who left it there?

Nobody expects to find porn in their garden, especially when it is not yours.  Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against porn as such.  What I do have a problem with is when someone throws it into my garden.  It is not only inconsiderate but irresponsible.  What if our bunnies tried to eat it or if our garden services found it. I mean really.  If you want to toss porn into our garden at least make sure it is gay porn.  Generally homosexuals do not get off on straight porn and I thought people knew that.  Also, our garden services are very judgmental. 

It wasn’t long before my exceptional sleuthing skills helped me track down the sex litterer.  It was our neighbor (the undesirables).  I once overheard her and her husband fighting about porn.  From what I could tell she didn’t like it being in their house and she doesn’t like him watching it hence, her throwing it over our wall.  I honestly think that woman is a few potatoes short of a potato salad.  The only rational reason I could think of for her to choose our yard as her personal porn dumping site is because we are their only neighbor who doesn’t have older kids.  Still, that is no excuse for exposing us unwillingly to their straight pornography or littering our garden with her husband’s debauchery and her condemnation of it.

I am a firm believer of the theory high walls make for good neighbors.  I don’t really care what goes on in most of my neighbor’s lives.  I don’t snoop and respect other people’s privacy.  But when our neighbor’s shit start affecting my life and intrudes into my little bubble of peace and tranquility I tend to get annoyed.  Thinking that the sex littering was a once off thing I decided to let it go for the sake of not embarrassing anybody.  Also, I didn’t want to talk to the undesirables especially not about their twisted taste in porn.  Unfortunately nothing in my life is ever uncomplicated.

So this weekend when I went to check on our bunnies’ food situation I again stumbled upon sex litter.  Again it was straight porn and again it was the undesirables.  My blood pressure went up and this time I was furious.  “What the fuck is wrong with these people.  Why can’t she just throw this shit in their dustbin or dispose of it in any other way?  Why us?  Why our garden?”  I remember thinking.  Also, do we look like the kind of people who would want to watch a porn movie titled “Sex starved fuck sluts”?  After I caught my breath and the twitch in my left eye subsided I thought of the best way forward.  I decided to leave them a harshly worded letter:

Dear Neighbors,

Your sex life is none of our business but you have made it our business when you first threw the porn DVD “Backdoor adventures of Butthead and Beaver” into our yard on 22 February this year.  Now, again you decided to infringe on my right to privacy and choice to live in a straight porn free environment by having thrown the porn DVD “Sex starved fuck sluts” into our yard.  If you have some sexual issues, including but not limited to porn, please don’t make your fucking problem ours.  Go see a fucking therapist.  Also, our yard is not your personal sex litter dump.  Use your dustbin.  That is what it is there for!

Lastly, by throwing your porn into our yard is not the solution to your problems.  The internet is full of free porn that could meet with your sexual desires and fetishes.  I know you have internet at home because I can see your WiFi on my phone.  Use it.  Delete it.  Just for the love of god leave us out of it.

Sincerely,

Your GAY neighbors.

I am still checking our mailbox for their apology letter.  So much for being “good Christians” who go to church every Sunday.  The worst part of their sex littering is the fact that we are then forced to throw their porn into our dustbin.  What will our housekeeper think if she accidentally sees the porn DVD.  It has been enough of a culture shock for her to work for two homosexuals with a child.  I think discovering a porn DVD in between broken egg shells and potato peels might just give her a heart attack.

I thought moving to suburbia would be peaceful, quiet and private.  I never expected people to throw straight porn DVD’s into our yard and that our neighbors would be perverts with a preference for entering through the back door and being into sluts.  Also, I never expected that I would need to have awkward conversations with my neighbors about their sex lives, fetishes or taste in porn.  I guess it is what it is.  At least they are not terrorists and after my note hopefully they would be too ashamed to even look at me.  And ashamed they should be.

Till next time.

Fundamentalist Christians & Your Porn.

As I alluded to last week there is a clear and present danger threatening my private porn collection. Yes, you read correctly, I have a porn collection and I am not ashamed to admit it. In a society where talking openly about our sex lives is considered distasteful and watching porn or admitting owning it shameful, the moment a fundamentalist religious group of people want to reinforce making sex taboo or even illegal, we will find ourselves in dangerous territory. In South Africa one such a group has emerged and is trying to do exactly this, and I for one will not stand for it.
The Justice Alliance of South Africa (JASA) was established in 2007. The name suggests that it’s a group of legal professionals but in reality this is not the case. This is a fundamentalist right wing religious group that has taken it upon themselves to be the “moral police” of the nation. They are trying to influence government to ban pornography and play God with the rights and lives of the South African people. If this sounds familiar you are not mistaken. Last year a similar situation occurred in Uganda with their proposed Anti-Homosexuality Bill, in Rwanda where they almost brought back anti-homosexuality laws, in Malawi with the sentencing of the gay couple and the violence against homosexuals and aid workers in Kenya. A golden threat is spun through all these events and it’s that of fundamentalist “Christian” groups meddling with these African governments and inciting intolerance and homophobia. First they test the water taking one civil liberty away in the name of morality and once they succeed they go for the jugular.
After I got wind of this JASA and their evil little plot I joined several queers in South Africa in taking action. Numerous e-mails were sent to the appropriate government department intimately involved in this pending malicious attack against our civil liberties. They responded very disrespectfully stating that clearly our value systems differ significantly from theirs and that we should just acknowledge our different views in this regard and leave it at that. In essence they told us “Go fuck yourselves we will do what we want and there’s nothing you can do about it”. Falling short of adding “Turn or Burn and God made Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve” to their post scriptum, I am quite sure they fully realized where we were going with our e-mails and are aware that we are seeing through their diabolical smoke screen campaign.
You see, apart from wanting to ban porn they also introduced the term “any material deemed inappropriate” which leaves the scope for censorship wide open. Today they ban porn and tomorrow they deem homosexuality “inappropriate” and poof... there goes the legality of my marriage and double poof... my blog is banned and I get arrested! Sounds incredible don’t it? In reality this is a very real possibility and a very real threat. It begs the question, what exactly is it that these people really seek to achieve, are the secretly conspiring to take over the world one African country and one soul at a time or have global warming started to fry the grey matter they supposedly have in their heads? Who knows?
It’s said that pornography constitutes about 70% of the traffic on the Internet. Whether you care to admit it or not many people visit the odd naughty website from time-to-time. Personally the majority of my online time is spent on social networking websites and I do consider myself a professional Facebooker, a lazy Tweeter and an avid blogger. But yes, I too do visit a few “you must be 18 years or older” blogs and websites that would, in all probability, make you blush. To be perfectly honest, if all those sites were to disappear tomorrow I will not go into a frantic panic and end up crying myself to sleep smearing my mascara all over my crisp white sheets. No, I won’t pitch up for work the next day eyes swollen and distraught going through porn withdrawals. However, I would be pissed off as I like the fact that I can watch porn if I wish to do so. If it is banned, I am sure queer folk and straight folk would want to view pornography even more just because they are not allowed and new inventive ways will be found to access it or smuggle it into the country. I am imagining cavity searches becoming a whole lot more interesting and the black market a whole lot more lucrative.
In reality pornography is not the actual issue that motivates the JASA, I suspect their true motive being a whole lot more sinister. Not being one to encourage or perpetuate conspiracy theories one can’t help but wonder and be suspicious off events in Africa over the last three years. State sponsored homophobia is spreading like a wild fire, while in almost all instances the fire was ignited and fanned by religious groups advocating morality, influencing governments and targeting the gay community. Now that fire has reached us. Should gay South Africans be worried?

Till next time.

Lady Gaga - Alejandro

Porn Star or Ambassador?

The South African Charl van der Berg won the World Wide Mr. Gay in Norway last week amidst controversy of his porno past. A restaurant manager from Cape Town he now holds this coveted title and will be the ambassador of the gay community for the next year. Also known as “Chad” in the local porn industry, apart from his tiara, he also boasts crown jewels of 8 inches, uncut and is a top and likes masturbating in front of the camera for your viewing pleasure. The director of Mr. Gay World zealously defended their position for choosing van der Berg as their winner, painting van der Berg as another casualty of the exploitative porn industry. This led me to ask, can one really be a helpless victim if you knowingly expose yourself to the dodgy world of adult entertainment?

In a statement Mr. Gay World was quoted as saying “Porn is an integral part of the gay lifestyle - it's just that most guys don't have the guts to do what I did.” This is true, porn does feature significantly in the gay community and very few gay men can deny possessing or having watched pornography (well the honest ones at least). However, actually starring in one is a whole different “ball game”. Apart from the odd amateur home movies (that are not meant for mass release) I honestly don’t have any friends or acquaintances that have starred in an adult film. Whether my social circle lacks the guts to bare it all on camera is open to debate but I do suspect that this has less to do with actual guts and more to do with repercussions.

As we have seen with beauty pageants across the world naughty pictures and videotapes have an ominous tendency to surface at the most inconvenient of times. For some embarrassing photos will end their pageant careers and for others it will lead them to new paths of success. Either way, once it reaches the newsstands the damage is done, explanations and excuses are abundant always begging the question what the hell were they thinking? Some have teary confessions and explain how they were young and naive, others how they were broke and needed to eat. Very few ever thought those images would be made public, very few thought they would ever be in a position where people, apart from their parents, would care...

Stripping down for the camera, playing with yourself or gaining “carnal knowledge” of another person(s) for money may seem like a good idea at the time and even a secret fantasy for others but, what is the true reality for a porn star? Not being a porn star myself I can only speculate. Personally, I would be concerned about the people who would be slobbering over my porn performances and excreting God knows what bodily fluids at my expense. More frightening would be if someone recognizes you in public, especially if they were a devoted fan, screaming “Is that you? Are you that guy from Everybody Does Raymond?” The worst would be at a family gathering and one of your straight cousin’s new boyfriend’s pulls you aside and in a hushed voice tell you how he enjoyed your new film and eagerly asks if you do private performances accompanied with a psychotic wink.

On the plus side I suspect that porn actors do not have many lines to rehearse and no complicated method acting skills are required. Direction should also be easy to follow as “OK, so you suck him and grab his balls, then you lick his crack then you pound his ass first doggy style then missionary, then you cum and you’re done!” could not be that hard to screw up. The only true challenges would be where they position those cameras and lights and avoiding light bulb burns and contracting some sexually transmitted disease.

Coming back to Mr. Gay World and his porno past, apparently he made one jerk off movie and there may also be photos floating around on the web. But do the making of one video and a few pictures actually make Charl van der Berg a veteran porn star? I think not! Sure he may have had a lapse of judgment, but then again everyone makes mistakes. The fact that he stood up and faced the music in a respectable manner says plenty about his character. So do I think he’s a suitable ambassador for the international gay community, yes I do. The GLBT community is not without our flaws and neither is South Africa. Having our own president embroiled in sex scandals with bastard children popping up with what seems to be everywhere, why can’t we be proud of our own homegrown Mr. Gay World even if he had made one dirty little film.

Till next time.

Hal the Misinterpretive Porn Star

Suburbia, Porn & Bubble Wrap

The last few days were spent in a semi-controlled chaos decorated with boxes, bubble wrap and unfamiliar keys. We finally managed to move into our new house and are now officially Stepford Fags living in suburbia. Even though the whole move was planned weeks in advance and all arrangements and preparations was in place, life has taught me one important lesson – no matter how well prepared you are, there will always be something that goes wrong!
Having 3 neurotic cats, that are highly strung and do not take well to change, the move would be traumatic for them. Knowing this I paid a visit to our veterinarian to get some magic potion that would ease the transition for our 3 furry bundles of joy. I received 3 syringes containing bright yellow fluid and was promised this would calm them down and put them in a deep sleep that would last roughly 8 hours. The morning of the move hubby and I woke up at 6am in order to dispense the medication. Anyone that has ever given medication to a cat will tell you it’s a skill! We decided to separate the 3 and we would work as a team, one tightly holding a cat while the other would open the cat’s mouth and squirt in the medication. Sounds simple enough but it wasn’t, 20 minutes and many scratches later all 3 were “medicated”.
As our cats’ medicine started to kick in and they were stumbling around in a drunken haze, we prepared the house for the movers. Naturally we picked a moving company with the gayest name we could find – Gigi! Expecting them to only arrive at 8am we thought we had plenty of time to prepare, but they were early and annoyingly efficient! We left the packing of the bedroom for last, as we didn’t want to upset the cats prematurely. When the movers arrived they worked at such a fast pace that we ended up frantically dumping everything that was left in the bedroom into the remaining boxes. At this point it also became clear that the cats’ dosages weren’t strong enough as they were not sleeping. The smallest one (the Diva!) was not going to have any of this and violently refused her cooperation to the great disinterest of the other 2 who were both very chilled out only voicing their confusion and discontent every so often with an off pitched and slurred meow and a one eyed glazed stare.
Two and a half hours later and the move were completed. We were surrounded with boxes that needed unpacking, a mammoth task especially if you aren’t sure where to put everything. The better part of the day was spent opening boxes, cleaning, moving around furniture and trying to calm down 3 critters that were sobering up and not happy. Allot of sweat and a few silent breakdowns later our first evening arrived at which time we decided to take a break and just take it all in. Tired as hell we both fell onto our couches wanting to unwind in front of the television at which point we learned our satellite dish was not working. Too tired to care we had a nice bottle of wine next to the pool and went to sleep in our curtainless bedroom with our hung over cats.
Early the next morning we were awoken by the sounds of suburbia preparing for its day and birds welcoming the early morning sun. After a brief breakfast we continued slaving away. More boxes, more bubble wrap! I phoned a repair company to fix our satellite dish and they arrived a few hours later. I was informed that something on the dish was fried. While they were busy with their little gadgets, hubby and I tackled the remaining boxes. On completion of the repairs the technician and his assistant called me and started to demonstrate where all the different channels were saved and where to find all our additional entertainment systems on our television. However, when he came to the DVD player I discovered, to my horror, we had forgotten a DVD in there. A Porn DVD was now being broadcasted on our 21 inch screen to an audience of very shocked and embarrassed people. The technician quickly changed channels, mumbled something and exited the lounge where I was left blushing with his assistant who by now had taken a few steps away from me. After the technician had composed himself he returned gave me my invoice, I paid him and pretended like nothing happened. However, I am sure all his friends and colleagues have been told this story by now.
Over the weekend most of our unpacking was done. Holes were drilled, picture frames and art went onto the walls and the house started to feel like home. Our cats slowly acclimatized to their new surroundings and grudges about being drugged and uprooted soon became a distant memory as they settled into their new routine. I am still struggling to figure out which key unlocks what door and going to bed at night now takes 10 minutes longer as we have thousands of doors to lock. Much still needs to be done, and renovations will continue for some time to come, but like a friend told me “Once you buy a house the work never ends”. For now we will tackle one renovation job at a time, put allot of love into each project and slowly watch our new home bloom. I am sure there will be many more frustrations, embarrasments and tantrums but all will be worth it at the end!

Till next time.

Ellen Degeneres - Here & Now