Suburbia, Porn & Bubble Wrap

The last few days were spent in a semi-controlled chaos decorated with boxes, bubble wrap and unfamiliar keys. We finally managed to move into our new house and are now officially Stepford Fags living in suburbia. Even though the whole move was planned weeks in advance and all arrangements and preparations was in place, life has taught me one important lesson – no matter how well prepared you are, there will always be something that goes wrong!
Having 3 neurotic cats, that are highly strung and do not take well to change, the move would be traumatic for them. Knowing this I paid a visit to our veterinarian to get some magic potion that would ease the transition for our 3 furry bundles of joy. I received 3 syringes containing bright yellow fluid and was promised this would calm them down and put them in a deep sleep that would last roughly 8 hours. The morning of the move hubby and I woke up at 6am in order to dispense the medication. Anyone that has ever given medication to a cat will tell you it’s a skill! We decided to separate the 3 and we would work as a team, one tightly holding a cat while the other would open the cat’s mouth and squirt in the medication. Sounds simple enough but it wasn’t, 20 minutes and many scratches later all 3 were “medicated”.
As our cats’ medicine started to kick in and they were stumbling around in a drunken haze, we prepared the house for the movers. Naturally we picked a moving company with the gayest name we could find – Gigi! Expecting them to only arrive at 8am we thought we had plenty of time to prepare, but they were early and annoyingly efficient! We left the packing of the bedroom for last, as we didn’t want to upset the cats prematurely. When the movers arrived they worked at such a fast pace that we ended up frantically dumping everything that was left in the bedroom into the remaining boxes. At this point it also became clear that the cats’ dosages weren’t strong enough as they were not sleeping. The smallest one (the Diva!) was not going to have any of this and violently refused her cooperation to the great disinterest of the other 2 who were both very chilled out only voicing their confusion and discontent every so often with an off pitched and slurred meow and a one eyed glazed stare.
Two and a half hours later and the move were completed. We were surrounded with boxes that needed unpacking, a mammoth task especially if you aren’t sure where to put everything. The better part of the day was spent opening boxes, cleaning, moving around furniture and trying to calm down 3 critters that were sobering up and not happy. Allot of sweat and a few silent breakdowns later our first evening arrived at which time we decided to take a break and just take it all in. Tired as hell we both fell onto our couches wanting to unwind in front of the television at which point we learned our satellite dish was not working. Too tired to care we had a nice bottle of wine next to the pool and went to sleep in our curtainless bedroom with our hung over cats.
Early the next morning we were awoken by the sounds of suburbia preparing for its day and birds welcoming the early morning sun. After a brief breakfast we continued slaving away. More boxes, more bubble wrap! I phoned a repair company to fix our satellite dish and they arrived a few hours later. I was informed that something on the dish was fried. While they were busy with their little gadgets, hubby and I tackled the remaining boxes. On completion of the repairs the technician and his assistant called me and started to demonstrate where all the different channels were saved and where to find all our additional entertainment systems on our television. However, when he came to the DVD player I discovered, to my horror, we had forgotten a DVD in there. A Porn DVD was now being broadcasted on our 21 inch screen to an audience of very shocked and embarrassed people. The technician quickly changed channels, mumbled something and exited the lounge where I was left blushing with his assistant who by now had taken a few steps away from me. After the technician had composed himself he returned gave me my invoice, I paid him and pretended like nothing happened. However, I am sure all his friends and colleagues have been told this story by now.
Over the weekend most of our unpacking was done. Holes were drilled, picture frames and art went onto the walls and the house started to feel like home. Our cats slowly acclimatized to their new surroundings and grudges about being drugged and uprooted soon became a distant memory as they settled into their new routine. I am still struggling to figure out which key unlocks what door and going to bed at night now takes 10 minutes longer as we have thousands of doors to lock. Much still needs to be done, and renovations will continue for some time to come, but like a friend told me “Once you buy a house the work never ends”. For now we will tackle one renovation job at a time, put allot of love into each project and slowly watch our new home bloom. I am sure there will be many more frustrations, embarrasments and tantrums but all will be worth it at the end!

Till next time.

Ellen Degeneres - Here & Now