The Crazy Lady from Nebraska & Gay Sex

There is a crazy lady who hates the gays.  Her name is Jane Svoboda and she lives in Lincoln, Nebraska.  Last week she testified at a non-discrimination ordinance meeting where she made some startling homophobic and inaccurately graphic statements.  Later in the week it was confirmed, by Jane’s family, that she really is crazy and suffering from schizophrenia.  That being said, I thought it appropriate to take a look at some of the statements she made about gays and gay sex and examine whether any of these statements are indeed true.

Jane said that during gay sex the penis goes into the anus, which is fairly accurate.   However, she also said that during anal intercourse the penis ruptures the intestines and the more gay men do this the greater our chances of becoming “a fatality or a homicider”.  Clearly Jane is a size queen and have come across some monster cocks in her life. I assume this because do you know how huge a guy’s dick would have to be to be able to rupture another guy’s intestines?  Besides KY (if used properly) can make anything fit without rupturing the rectum, intestines or an organ.  Besides I have never heard of a gay man that has ever been fucked to death or heard of a gay man being charged with homicide by large penis.  But then again, there is always a first time.  Isn’t there Jane?  But wait there’s more.  Jane also had some insights into paedophilia and AIDS.

Besides homicidal penises and fatal anuses, Jane went further and said that “a huge percentage of gay men in school grounds molest boys mainly because they don’t have AIDS yet”.  Why crazy people always automatically assume that all gay men are paedophiles boggles my mind; isn’t that solely reserved for Catholic Priests?

Sure, there are those gay men who prefer to date twinks but there’s one big difference – the twinks are of the legal age of consent.  As for the AIDS bit, these day there are many people, young and old, who are HIV+ and you cannot assume that just because a person is young that they are not HIV positive. Just as you cannot tell a person’s status just by looking at them.  That’s why there are condoms and a thing called save sex.  But sex with minors isn’t the only thing troubling poor Jane, it is the sex with corpses that really gets her blood boiling.

Jane mentioned something about the “Candida fungus that grows hugely on a corpse and that AIDS is a Candida fungus disease”.  It is true that Candida does grow on a corpse and one of its main functions is to help with decomposition.  But I don’t know any gay men, apart from Jeffrey Dahmer that is, who have sex with decomposed corpses.  Besides it being disgusting and morally wrong it is also illegal.

Here again Jane confused homosexuality with necrophilia.  Sure there are some gay men who suck in bed, just lie there and may as well be a corpse, but they still have a pulse and are alive and well.  Rigor mortis may be a turn on for Jane and Jeffrey, but as for the average homosexual the only body part that we prefer to be stiff during sex is a dick, not a limb.

According to Jane, Hillary Clinton went gay in college.  But don’t all straight folk do that in college anyway?  Personally, I have always thought that Hillary would have made a very respectable power lesbian; just look at the way she dresses and some of her hairstyles.  I am also sure that she is very handy with her tongue as it does get a lot of exercise not to mention that strong and nimble texting fingers.  But I digress…

Getting back to Jane, she said Hillary went lez because her college didn’t have single rooms and single gender dorms.  Well that doesn’t make any sense.  If you are lonely in your own room in a dorm filled with people of the same gender, wouldn’t that actually promote homosexual experiences instead of doing the opposite?  Clearly Jane has not thought this through or watched enough porn or been in enough dorms.  According to Jane dorms can make you go gay and if you are gay chances are, according to Jane, that you are also sadistic.

According to Jane all gays are sadistic and treasonous and she arrived at this conclusion by looking at the Romans.  When I heard this I was both flattered and annoyed at the same time.  But here again the voices in Jane’s head got it wrong.  There are gay men who are sadistic and in the gay world we call them “Masters” and they are the “S” in S&M.  This is a fetish practiced in darken basements, attics and dodgy night clubs and are by no means a mainstream “gay thing”.  There are plenty of straight folk who practices S&M as well; haven’t one of the voices in Jane’s head read “Shades of Gray” yet?

As for the treason part of her zany speech, in history it is true that there were some prolific homosexual spies who betrayed their countries through espionage.  In comparison to our heterosexual counterparts the instances of gay spies are but a drop in the proverbial bucket.  Jane also mentions Judas as another historic homosexual who betrayed Jesus.  It really is a pity that there were no tabloids back then, seeing as in the absence of a tabloid photo, leaked sex tape or the odd masseuse filing a law suit against Judas we have no way of verifying if he was indeed a homo.

Lastly, Jane claims that all bisexuals always become insane and she supports this statement by saying we must read the book of Nijinsky.  Who the fuck is Nijinsky, you may ask?  Well, I Googled him and she must be referring to Vaslav Nijinsky, a Russian ballet dancer and choreographer who were also bisexual, wrote a diary and went insane.  Now, I have never quite understood bisexuals and probably never will, but one can hardly generalize that a whole group of people will go insane just because one individual did.  That would be like saying that all bisexuals will automatically be straight again, just like Anne Heche, if they wait long enough for the mothership to come and fetch them.

I know I really should not be making fun of Jane Svoboda and that mental illness is no laughing matter.  But if mentally unstable people like Jane are allowed to vent their psychiatric delusions in a public forum.  If their caregivers don’t stop them and it is broadcasted over YouTube, well then you are just asking for it.  What makes this worse is that there are people on the internet that will come across her YouTube video, watch it and who will find some resonance with what she said.  In so doing, homophobia will spread and there will be people who believe these lies.  Let’s just hope that Jane gets the help that she so clearly needs and that there are people out there who are smart and psychologically stable enough to know the difference between truth and fiction.

Till next time.

Queer Myths Explained

- Part I -

There are still many myths abound regarding homosexuals and homosexuality. Many of these misperceptions surface when well meaning heterosexuals friends, colleagues and/or acquaintances finally muster up the courage to ask some of the questions they have always been burning to ask but were too shy to do so. Some had me bursting out laughing, to the point of almost loosing bladder control, and other question had me surprised and made me think. Here are just a few of such myths about us queer folk.
All gay people across the globe know each other and we have a secret line of communication. If I had a penny for every time someone have asked me whether I knew their gay cousin and/or friend in a different city and/or country just because I am gay I could have retired early.

The gay community is small and it is true that we may know many of our own community members in our own cities, but there is no secret gay database stashed away somewhere that is updated every time a new fairy falls out of the closet. We are not required to study such a database and take an exam after.
Does it hurt when we have sex? Well this will depend on whom you ask.  For some, they may just respond in the affirmative and add “that’s if you are doing it right”. This response will normally come from the group that’s into the fetish S&M sex scene. For those of us who are into “normal” sex (or as we gay folk call it Vanilla) the answer will be it depends. You see when it comes to anal sex you normally have a pitcher and a catcher.

Some gay guys have a preference for one or the other. If you are a bottom you will be the catcher and the experienced bottom normally will not experience any pain or major discomfort and that’s why we use KY. If you are a top you will be the pitcher and there will be no pain.

Then you get some gay guys who are versatile and they like pitching and receiving. Depending on what these guys do more frequently, when receiving he may experience some discomfort or pain which normally will dissipate some time during the “game”.  Some gay men also prefer to take poppers (amyl nitrite) as it relaxes the sphincter muscle making initial penetration less painful.
How do lesbians have sex? Well, to be honest, I am not sure as I have never been a lesbian. I would imagine there are many ways two women can have sex. Oral sex springs to mind and the slang term “carpet munchers” or “muff divers” are pretty much self explanatory.

On the same topic, I have also been asked whether lesbians do not miss being penetrated and I had to respond by saying “why would they miss a penis if they didn’t like it to start with”. But should they wish to be penetrated there are always thing like strap-on’s, vibrators and dildo’s. My advice for my straight friends wanting to know how lesbians have sex is to ask an actual lesbian!
Who is the man and who is the woman in the relationship? The answer is simple, if he has a penis he is the man and if she has a vagina she is the woman. The myth that there are a man and a woman role in gay relationships is somewhat of a predicament. In the gay community we do have homosexuals that are butch (have more manly attributes) and some who are femme (are more effeminate).

When a butch and a femme pairs up it may easily be assumed that the one would take on the traditional male role and the other that of the female role. In reality this can be quite deceptive as in many gay relationships, regardless of the perceived gender roles, most of the responsibilities of being the traditional caregiver and breadwinner are shared amongst the two.

In most gay relationship there are two breadwinners which also place us queer folk in a better economic situation than our heterosexual counterparts. We also don’t have the added expenses of having children (in the majority of instances) and we have a larger disposable income. Who earns the greater salary will also not have a major impact on determining the role of a partner in a gay relationship.
Do gay guys want to be women and lesbians want to be men? The simple answer is No. There are gay guys who dress up as women and they are called Drag Queens and lesbian who dress up as men and they are called Drag Kings. Neither actually wants to undergo a sex change operations and just enjoy imitating the other gender – some even do it as a profession. There even are straight men that dress up like woman and they are called Transvestites and they do not have gay or bi-sexual tendencies.

When a person feels they were born with the wrong gender and opt to undergo a sex change they are called Transgender or Transsexuals. The issue of sexual orientation versus sexual gender identity is quite a complicated subject matter and would warrant a completely separate article. Gay men are also not disgusted by woman, we love them but not in the carnal sense of the word and the same goes for lesbians when it comes to men.
Why do gay people choose to be gay? My response usually would be “Why did you choose your eyes to be blue? “ Many gay people will tell you that they were born gay. I, for one, can attest to this. When I was born, and my mom gave natural birth, I knew there and then that I would not be revisiting that area of the female anatomy ever again.

Being gay is more than just about sex, it also about the emotional attraction and bond homosexuals develop towards people of the same gender. It’s a natural attraction that may have been programmed into our genes. Why would anyone choose a lifestyle that will cause them to be discriminated against, in some countries persecuted and in some communities ostracized? We didn’t choose to be gay, we were born gay but are absolutely fabulous by choice.

There are countless more myths about homosexuality that I could address, but these are the most common ones I have been plagued with in recent years. I will never discourage any straight person from asking me anything about my sexual orientation, no matter how bizarre the question may be and trust that none of my gay readers will shy away from candidly answering questions they are posed.

The gay community sometimes are vastly misunderstood, whether it’s due to plain ignorance or due to us not always being prepared to be open and honest I am not sure. However, I wish that more people across the globe could be educated about GLBT people, maybe if they get the correct information we would be better understood and discrimination and homophobia will one day be a thing of the past.

Till next time.

Hedda Lettuce - Lady GaGa Telephone Parody

Intersexuality & Hermaphrodites

Mokgadi Caster Semenya (South African middle-distance runner and world champion) has been the centre of controversy the last few weeks. Doubt about her gender started to surface and consequently she had to submit to some rather degrading tests to determine her gender. It has been rumored that Semenya is a hermaphrodite (having both male and female reproductive organs) or is an intersex (term adopted by medicine during the 20th century applied to human beings whose biological sex cannot be classified as either male or female). This led me to ask, what are our own attitude towards people like this and where do they fit in society.

Having seen and heard Semenya on television admittedly she does not seem to sound or appear very feminine. With a muscular build and deep voice it is easy to understand how the rumours developed. Having now submitted to tests the result of which will be made known only in November this year, the public and local- and international media continues to speculate. The manner in which the issue have been dealt with is, in my opinion, deplorable. The poor woman has been degraded and her athletic achievement diminished and now could be permanently tarnished. If she is found to be a hermaphrodite or intersex it could be argued that she had an unfair advantage and how this will affect her career one can only assume it’s going to be utter devastation.
The exact number of hermaphrodites and intersex individuals in the world is unknown to me. The little that I do know is that in some hermaphrodite cases the parents are given an informed choice by a doctor to decide what gender the child would keep when corrective surgery is preformed. However, even after corrective surgery it can not be guaranteed that the person will be comfortable with their assigned gender later in life and their sexual preference could also pose a challenge.

Being born intersex or hermaphrodite and having a relationship with a person of any other gender, could that person be classified as being in a homosexual relationship? In Semenya’s case her physical appearance and traits could make one assume that she might be a stereotypical “butch lesbian”, and if she is found to be an intersex or hermaphrodite even in a “heterosexual” relationship her biology could qualify her “technically” to also be homosexual.
In the gay community we seem to prefer to only include Gays, Lesbians, Bi-Sexuals and Transsexuals (GLBT) and noticeably omit hermaphrodites and intersex people. This made me to further wonder why this is. Is the gay community purposefully shying away from this group due to the stigma associated with them or is their case so highly unique that their inclusion is not justified?
In the case of hermaphrodites and intersex people it is often congenital and is a physical biological anomaly that occurs in 0.1% to 0.2% of all births, therefore making the condition rare, unique and a physical deformity. Yes, it can be argued that no matter whether corrective surgery have been preformed on them or not they would inevitably end up being in a homosexual relationship no matter what their actual sexual preference. It is my opinion that this segment of society does not qualify for inclusion in the GLBT community, as true homosexuality entails both parties in a relationship to be attracted to the same gender and that the chromosome and genital anomalies of the one party does not truly make such a person or that relationship gay. Being a member of a minority group I have a natural tendency to be fiercely protective of any other minority groups, hermaphrodites and intersex people are no different. They are people that didn’t choose to be born in the bodies they have, some living with an embarrassing secret and others when exposed are left to pick up the shattered pieces of their lives alone.

The case of Caster Semenya truly is an interesting one, but she is by no means the first athlete who has been shrouded in this type of controversy. The same happened to the Indian athlete Santhi Soundarajan who was stripped of her medal at the 2006 Asian Games after failing a gender verification test and was found to be a hermaphrodite. Perhaps the earliest case was Stanislawa Walasiewicz (aka Stella Walsh) a Polish athlete who won a gold medal at the 1932 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles, but who after her death in 1980 was discovered to have had partially developed male genitalia. What will happen to Semenya? I guess we will have to wait and see. Did she want to become world famous due to perhaps being a hermaphrodite, I think not. Never the less, what ever the outcome I believe Semenya should be supported.

Till next time.

Michael Johnson's views on Caster Semenya

Why Should only Straight People Suffer?

Same-sex marriage became legal in South Africa on 30 November 2006 when the Civil Unions Bill was enacted after having been passed by the SA Parliament earlier that month. South Africa became the 5th country, and the 1st in Africa, to legalize same-sex marriage. Now this was a historic occasion for me and my boyfriend of 8 years as we decided to tie-the-knot, and share in the marital bliss of our heterosexual counter parts. Being true homosexuals we decided to do everything in reverse, as we are just fagalicious in that way.

With all marriages you have to endure 5 events before you end up being husband & husband. There is the engagement party, the bachelor’s party, the wedding ceremony, the reception and the honeymoon and usually in that order. Well, at least that’s traditionally how straight people do it. Being gay and this “marriage thing” being very new to us we approached it unconventionally. Now, I don’t hate weddings I just have a strong aversion to the administrative, planning and production side to them. I also don’t see the purpose of some of the traditions and grand order of how a marriage should be consummated. So when we decided that we were going to get married there was only 1 demand from my side – No Wedding Ceremony & No Church! This came as a big disappointment to my husband who like all gay boys dreamed of his perfect fairy tale wedding. After some pouting and negotiation we came to a compromise. We were going to only have a reception for a few of our closest friends, and all the planning and wedding drama was squarely put on my husband’s competent shoulders, and I was happy to just pay my share of the bills.

We decided to skip the engagement party and go on our honeymoon first. We spend the most fantastic 10 days in Egypt. Had cocktails on the Nile, rode Arabian horses in the desert, sun bathed and snorkeled in the red sea. I am aware that the choice of country to celebrate our pending wedlock was a bit strange, it being a Muslim country where homosexuality is illegal and you can get a jail sentence if caught. I must admit we were a bit cautious about being affectionate with each other in public there, but it didn’t stop us from enjoying ourselves or the country. We ended our final evening in Egypt skinny dipping in the red sea, which I highly recommend! On the flight back I proposed to my husband that we become members of the mile high club, but the flight being Egypt Air he wisely declined my offer, so we are not members yet.

Returning from our honeymoon we broke the news of our pending marriage to friends and family. Some were overjoyed others confused. Questions arose about changing of our surnames: My husband and I share the same name and initials. If we were to have changed our surnames to a double barrel surname, sorting mail would have become a huge issue. So for this obvious reason and for professional purposes we kept our respective surnames. A few weeks after same sex marriage was officially legalized we went to a minister’s office with 2 witnesses. In a 30 minute unofficial ceremony we were married. It was simple, uncomplicated and emotional. Receiving that unpretentious piece of paper, legally recognizing our commitment to each other filled me with an indescribable sense of pride for my country and love for my husband. Finally our relationship of 8 years was official and legal!

A month later we had our reception. We booked out an entire section of our favorite restaurant. We had 20 fabulous guests (Actually 21 because 1 guest was pregnant at the time). It was a fun filled evening with laughter, champagne and off course amazing gifts. With our reception we successfully completed the marriage cycle, skipping a few events and doing things in reverse. Looking back on our unconventional wedding almost 3 years ago, I still get a smile on face and I am still in love with my old ball & chain. I am one lucky bastard!

Many people speculated that giving gay people the right to marry would ruin society, degrade the sanctity of marriage and make divorce lawyers millions. God forbid that gay people can actually get married, adopt children and stay married and be happy! The legalization of gay marriage in South Africa has not ruined society; yes there have been a few divorces in the mean time but as far as I know the divorce rate is still much higher amongst heterosexuals.

My wish for the rest of the world is to follow the example of South Africa and allow all GLBT people to get married.

After all why should only straight people have to suffer marriage?

Till next time!

Wanda Sykes on Gay Marriage

First World Ambitions

I live in a third world country with first world ambitions. And no, this realization didn’t just dawn on me, I am reminded of this everyday. Between potholes, endless road works, beggars, politics and crime, you have no choice but to accept the fact that if you live in Africa you are still behind most economies and the tall shiny sky scrapers and expanding highways only camouflage our poor standing.

Driving to work and home everyday can be treacherous, humorous and sometimes frustrating. In South Africa having your own transport is essential, as public transport is notoriously unreliable and can be fraught with danger. Anyone that has ever taken a taxi (and yes I have done so a few times in my youth) knows that once that tomb of death’s doors closes you are bound for a heart stopping roller-coaster ride. It may get you to your destination quicker but at the cost of accompanied reckless abandon of all traffic rules which could result in a high probability of death. Having your own transportation may not be better for your blood pressure either but statistically could increase your mortality rate, but it too does not guarantee your safety. You run the risk of being high jacked and mash and grabbed therefore most of us drive with the vigilant observation skills of an American Secret Service Agent. As if potholes, crime and general road accidents are not enough one also have to dodge beggars, pedestrians, cyclists and the odd goat, depending on where you drive.

Everyday I am amazed with the creativity the beggars in our country employ to soliciting money from us. Perfectly healthy men, woman and children with torn and dirty clothes with pseudo ailments and/or disabilities stands at virtually every traffic light, some clutching babies, others crying and all are sunburned. Some days I get the distinct impression that begging has turned into a form of street performance art: You have to have acting skills, be a good copy writer and be an expert in repetitive universally understandable gesturing. I love reading their boards, some are funny mostly due to their creative use of language, and I always feel blessed as most of their boards end with the words “God bless you”.

In just over a month we will have our national elections and it’s hardly going to be the Obama-McCain nail biter. In what other country, outside Africa that is, do you find some political parties bribing voters with food and being elected to the highest office in the country could require a prison rap sheet as prerequisite? Admittedly the majority of our political leaders were in prison as political prisoners but since democracy 15 years ago, I get the sense that the reminiscing sounds of steel doors slamming shut and keys locking cells are enticing a few of them back to prison. Corrupt government officials is by no means only secluded to third world countries, the USA and many other countries have had their fair share of scandals. The only difference is in Africa, I believe, there is no shame in it: If you don’t get caught it’s not viewed as being wrong and if you do not admit to it you’re not guilty. If all else fails you can always blame Apartheid as it was and is the root of all evil. I think most of us liberal South Africans are grateful that Apartheid ended, but the constant reminder of it is excessive. Roads and City names are being changed to unpronounceable indigenous names to erase the legacy of apartheid; it has gotten so bad that my GPS is struggling to keep up. Soon a road and city reference book will need to be published in order for the general public to translate the new names to the old ones just to know where the hell you now life. (As example: I use to live in Pretoria but the name has since been changed to Tshwane).

In Africa there is also no sense of urgency to complete tasks on time. This is fondly referred to as the “African Time Mentality”. In Africa people see no need to finish anything today that can possibly be left for tomorrow; things take as long as it’s going to take and never ask for a projected time frame as that too will take long to determine. Another curious African belief is that no Black or Arabian persons are gay, and that homosexuality is a European disease, brought to our shores by the Colonialists. Therefore, homophobia is still rife in most of our rural African communities and still illegal in many African countries. It is firmly believed that it’s a deviant choice individuals make and most gay people live their lives in fear of being discovered.

This all being said, South Africa may not be a first world country but we do have many first world qualities. We are proud people who take pride in our beautiful country, our rich tapestry of cultures and our heritage. We are also becoming the country of choice for tourists who bathe in amazement of the beauty of our landscapes, comforting climate and diversity of people. We have a first world constitution and are the first African country to legalize gay marriage. The basic human rights of all citizens, whether deserving or not, are protected. Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and Transsexual people enjoy the same right as everyone else and “officially” discrimination based on sexual preference is prohibited (unless you are the religious right, but that is a whole other article). As a country we still have a long road ahead of us to achieve our ambition to enter the sphere of the elite economies. We face many challenges with our young democracy, sociological issues and crime. When ever I get discouraged by events in South Africa I always find solace in the fact that at least I don’t live in Zimbabwe under the reign of terror of Robert Mugabe!

Till next time.


Model for Me- Is Jer Ber Jones America's Next Top Model??
by Austin Young