There are a few things in life that make my blood boil. Well, actually that is a lie. There are a great many things in life that causes the veins in my head to throb. Mostly I can overcome such emotional inconveniences by counting to ten or proactively popping a pill for it. However, every now and again I am caught off guard causing me to briefly behave like an emotionally disturbed child accompanied by a nervous tick in my left eye. This past weekend was one such an occasion as I was confronted with one of my top ten pet peeves – sex littering.
Now before you ask me what sex littering is let me explain. Sex littering is when someone leaves behind certain items that they used during coitus in a public space for everyone to see or, when a certain deranged bitch throws her husband’s porn DVD’s over your wall into your back yard. I am aware that the latter is unusual and doesn’t happen to most people. However, it has happened to me. Twice! You see our neighbor’s, which I have always referred to here as the “undesirables”, has an extremely tumultuous relationship. Sometimes their emotional turbulence interferes with my inner peace and I have called the police on them before. But this new turn of events had me baffled.
Sometime during the beginning of the year I was strolling through our back garden when I saw something shining as the light caught it in the foliage. Upon closer inspection it looked like a CD or DVD that was lying face down. Being naturally curious by nature I Indiana Jonesed my way through the foliage and picked it. When I eventually got it and turned it around I was both shocked and very confused. After all I am a very innocent, sensitive and impressionable person. I was mortified to discover that it was a hardcore straight porn DVD. “What. The. Fuck.” came out of my mouth before I could help it. Why was it in our back garden and who left it there?
Nobody expects to find porn in their garden, especially when it is not yours. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against porn as such. What I do have a problem with is when someone throws it into my garden. It is not only inconsiderate but irresponsible. What if our bunnies tried to eat it or if our garden services found it. I mean really. If you want to toss porn into our garden at least make sure it is gay porn. Generally homosexuals do not get off on straight porn and I thought people knew that. Also, our garden services are very judgmental.
It wasn’t long before my exceptional sleuthing skills helped me track down the sex litterer. It was our neighbor (the undesirables). I once overheard her and her husband fighting about porn. From what I could tell she didn’t like it being in their house and she doesn’t like him watching it hence, her throwing it over our wall. I honestly think that woman is a few potatoes short of a potato salad. The only rational reason I could think of for her to choose our yard as her personal porn dumping site is because we are their only neighbor who doesn’t have older kids. Still, that is no excuse for exposing us unwillingly to their straight pornography or littering our garden with her husband’s debauchery and her condemnation of it.
I am a firm believer of the theory high walls make for good neighbors. I don’t really care what goes on in most of my neighbor’s lives. I don’t snoop and respect other people’s privacy. But when our neighbor’s shit start affecting my life and intrudes into my little bubble of peace and tranquility I tend to get annoyed. Thinking that the sex littering was a once off thing I decided to let it go for the sake of not embarrassing anybody. Also, I didn’t want to talk to the undesirables especially not about their twisted taste in porn. Unfortunately nothing in my life is ever uncomplicated.
So this weekend when I went to check on our bunnies’ food situation I again stumbled upon sex litter. Again it was straight porn and again it was the undesirables. My blood pressure went up and this time I was furious. “What the fuck is wrong with these people. Why can’t she just throw this shit in their dustbin or dispose of it in any other way? Why us? Why our garden?” I remember thinking. Also, do we look like the kind of people who would want to watch a porn movie titled “Sex starved fuck sluts”? After I caught my breath and the twitch in my left eye subsided I thought of the best way forward. I decided to leave them a harshly worded letter:
Your sex life is none of our business but you have made it our business when you first threw the porn DVD “Backdoor adventures of Butthead and Beaver” into our yard on 22 February this year. Now, again you decided to infringe on my right to privacy and choice to live in a straight porn free environment by having thrown the porn DVD “Sex starved fuck sluts” into our yard. If you have some sexual issues, including but not limited to porn, please don’t make your fucking problem ours. Go see a fucking therapist. Also, our yard is not your personal sex litter dump. Use your dustbin. That is what it is there for!
Lastly, by throwing your porn into our yard is not the solution to your problems. The internet is full of free porn that could meet with your sexual desires and fetishes. I know you have internet at home because I can see your WiFi on my phone. Use it. Delete it. Just for the love of god leave us out of it.
Your GAY neighbors.
I am still checking our mailbox for their apology letter. So much for being “good Christians” who go to church every Sunday. The worst part of their sex littering is the fact that we are then forced to throw their porn into our dustbin. What will our housekeeper think if she accidentally sees the porn DVD. It has been enough of a culture shock for her to work for two homosexuals with a child. I think discovering a porn DVD in between broken egg shells and potato peels might just give her a heart attack.
I thought moving to suburbia would be peaceful, quiet and private. I never expected people to throw straight porn DVD’s into our yard and that our neighbors would be perverts with a preference for entering through the back door and being into sluts. Also, I never expected that I would need to have awkward conversations with my neighbors about their sex lives, fetishes or taste in porn. I guess it is what it is. At least they are not terrorists and after my note hopefully they would be too ashamed to even look at me. And ashamed they should be.
Till next time.