Yes, I know I have been rather lazy blogging the last couple of months. But in my defense I had shit going on. Also, I know I really should not be using this kind of language because I now have a child but hey, he is going to hear these words eventually. After four months of paternity leave I went back to work on Monday. It feels strange being back in the office. I mean I have time to myself, apart from work, and it feels like a mini holiday. I know how it sounds but if you have kids you’d understand.
Over the weekend I was very down and moody. The prospect of going back to work seemed like a nightmare. I did not know how I would cope not being with my son 24/7. I knew I would miss him terribly and I am. Also, being the neurotic kind of person I am I also had irrational debates with myself. You know the kind that people in psychiatric hospitals have when their meds aren’t working. At least I didn’t hear voices or thought that I was Jesus. I am not that crazy. Yet.
Over the weekend my mind played around with a lot of "what ifs". What if my son did not cope with going to granny’s during the week. What if granny could not cope looking after my son. What if my son loves granny more than he loves me. What if when I am at work and something happens to my son. There are a lot more what ifs that flooded my brain but I don’t want to bore you with my neuroticism and illogical parental reservations. In the end of the day Monday came and went and nobody died and our little smiling and giggling tornado was a happy and content baby.
I still have issues with missing my son during the day at work and granny is not good at sending me proof of life pictures. I want at least two picture of him a day and according to my husband this makes me an overbearing parent with unrealistic expectations. After all granny raised him and his brother and was a day mother for many years and knows what she is doing. But still, I am an overbearing parent and I am not ashamed of it. Also I suspect it will only get worse with time. But this is not the only issue hubby has.
Apparently I am also a helicopter dad who is someone that hovers. Personally I would not call it “hovering”. I am merely discreetly supervising and, at times, provideds hubby with some constructive advice. Just the other day hubby was busy dressing our son and he was doing something wrong and when I “advised” him he chased me out of the nursery. I wasn’t really offended by it but thought to myself if he wants to learn certain things the hard way then so be it. And just so you know, in that instance our son cried through the whole ordeal. Had hubby listened to me that would not have happened. Just saying…
Since our son became mobile and is crawling everywhere and pulling himself up against anything he can, nothing in the house is safe anymore. When our cats see Michael coming their way they get all nervous and our oldest cat has now developed a nervous twitch. Our son used to be fine in his playpen but sometime about two weeks ago he realized that it was nothing more than a baby jail and he went all prison break on my ass. The problem now is that he is so fast if you turn your back on him for a few seconds he is gone. And most time I would find him near a power socket about to electrocute himself or about to throw over one of our three air purifiers.
Our house has now been baby proofed as well. Luckily we had house bunnies and learned about bunny proofing the house a while ago. Baby proofing is not all that different from bunny proofing but at least Michael is not chewing on our couch or electrical cords. Also, our son knows when he has done something wrong. Just the other day he threw over one of the air purifiers and started crying because he thought I would be mad at him. The same thing happened when he threw over the dustbin in the nursery and almost broke a glass by pushing over a small table. At least he only do things like this once and learn from his experiences.
The biggest challenge I have being back at work now and not being with my son 24/7 is the fact that I will miss out on small things. Every week since we got him he has done something new and I was the first one to see it. Now that privilege falls to granny and I am crazy jealous. Unfortunately this is the downside of not having the luxury of being a stay at home dad. These days we cannot afford for one parent to stay at home and look after the kids. Both parents need to work in order to provide the best possible life for our children. It is by no means ideal but a sad reality.
It will still take me a couple of weeks to get over my shit, separation anxiety and neuroticism. People tell me it gets easier but right now I think they are lying bastards. I know I complained some days about having had to change six teething diapers, that our son was particularly difficult that day or that I was tired. But now I miss all that. Being back at work feels strange; I now have time to focus on something else and give it my full attention without being interrupted by bodily fluids. I can have adult conversations with people and can go to the bathroom when I want to and do so alone. But still I feel guilty. The guilt I think is normal and will go away. We all just need to adjust to our new reality and soon it will seem normal. I hope.
Till next time.