Saturday, February 12, 2011

Queer Mating Rituals of Heterosexuals

With Swine Flue threatening global health I am also convinced that a more ominous virus is threatening society and especially my social circle. Many of my friends recently ended their relationships and this is starting to feel like a pandemic on its own with the unexpected revelation of a couple of pigs amongst us! Having more single friends now, the majority of which being straight, I have become privy to their queer mating rituals. This left me with an interesting conundrum: Are the mating rituals of heterosexuals and homosexuals so different?All 3 respective breakups were quite traumatic and one theatrical. My male friend’s girl friend broke up with him because he wanted to get married and she wasn’t ready. For some odd reason she changed her mind shortly after and now wants him back; maybe she realized what she lost, but alas it’s too late to reconcile and he’s keeping his sperm for someone else. My female friend learned that her fiancĂ© was cheating on her via a Facebook message and consequent phone call from his mistress - what a horrific way to learn of your partner’s infidelity! Naturally she was devastated and the breakup was vicious! The most recent breakup was another of my female friends whose boyfriend of 2 years and 5 months (she was very specific about the duration) ended their relationship over the phone without any substantial reason. It came as blow to her and she cried for a few days but with the help of a couple of magic prescription pills she has returned to semi-normal functioning. All of them displayed fleeting homicidal tendencies and revengeful thoughts towards their ex’s and with the exception of 1; I firmly believe that their ex’s safely will make it to their next birthdays.
Observing my 3 heterosexual friends enjoying their new found freedom, their mating rituals have become a matter of particular interest. I have noticed that when straight people become single their social life escalates into a frenzied diary of dinners, clubbing, events and drinks - not much unlike that of gay people. The consumption of alcohol also increases substantially! All, in my opinion, to abolish the painful memory and to maybe meet new people that will help them transition into the becoming again who they where before their hearts were ripped out of their chests and trampled on. However, unlike gay people straight people appear to have a peculiar way of selecting their potential mates. I think this is where natural selection comes in – after all heterosexuals have the added burden of having to procreate to sustain the species! It appears as subconsciously, potential mates are ruled out by a process of elimination prescribed by the flaws they exhibit similar to those with whom the hunting heterosexual have had a previous unfortunate encounter. If any potential mate show any sign of weakness, the words “let’s just be friends” will be uttered. I was also surprised to learn that unlike some gay people heterosexuals are also far less promiscuous when forced into the single life – they rather tend to use the promise of sex as a lure to test the potential mate’s persistence and tenacity. Only after they are satisfied of the potential mate's commitment sex will occur and if it’s bad that too can be the death of a potential relationship.
When surviving a breakup most people tend to swear off relationships, as the wounds are still too fresh. This holds true in both the gay and straight community. There is also always the fear that lurks like a shadow behind you of getting hurt again. So both straight and gay people surround themselves with friends and keep socially active. With straight woman I have discovered they are more flirtatious during this stage following a break up maybe due to the need to be wanted and found attractive, but as soon as too much attention comes their way an Ice Queen emerges and the potential suitor are in danger of frostbite. With straight guys the predatory instinct kicks in and testosterone goes into over drive. Spending more time with their straight single buddies reinforces this. However, after a few rejections the guys will go back to being dejected and become overly cautious bordering on shy as not only are their ego’s bruised but similar to their female counterparts their desire to be wanted and found attractive is also not met. So I deduce that heterosexual men and women’s timing must be perfect for a relationship to occur, hence to term coined chemistry! If the man is too early he will face the cold shoulder and if the woman is too aloof she will end up a spinster. But when the timing is just right and both are ready for it chemistry occurs and magic happens!

The mating ritual of homosexuals and heterosexuals are not so different. In many respects a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what your sexual preference. The pain of a breakup is the same and much behaviour following the breakup coincides. The fundamental difference lies in the obvious - the fact that in the gay community we may find it easier to understand our potential mates as we are from the same gender and our approach to potential relationships progress in an easier fashion. With heterosexual the mating dance is more intricate, prolonged and fraught with caution. But the homosexual community need our straight friends to never give up on their pursuit to find a mate and never give up on relationships no matter how badly their hearts have been broken. Time really heals all wounds! So it’s imperative that all my heterosexual friends never loose hope of finding that special person because until homosexuals find the means to naturally procreate, and believe me we try, technology and heterosexuals are our only means to our continued survival!

Till next time.

Margaret Cho - Gay Men Jokes


Anonymous said...

Love your latest post Pierre, and the Margaret Cho video is hilarious!

Pierre said...

Thanks, glad you liked it ;-) I have another video of Margaret Cho on my blog somewhere. I have watched a couple of her stand-up routines on YouTube, she's really funny.

Glad to see on Facebook that I am getting more straight readers on the blog as well. Welcome!

Promise to poke more fun at both the gay and straight community in future!

Pierre said...

If you'r recently broken up with, how many of you can relate to this poem?

Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.

- by Dorothy Parker

Pierre said...

It appears one of my blog haters finally managed to get me booted off facebook as my account was disabled this morning :-(

Strangely enough, it comes as no surprised as 1 of them attempted to do the same before. Just as the hate-mail decreased they come up with another way of trying to silence me!

I have contacted facebook to determine exactly what happend, hope to get a response from them soon. So everyone on Facebook, I hope to resolve this problem and be back on Facebook soon ;-)

Anji said...

You've spent a lot of time observing this behavior and I think that you're right "in the gay community we may find it easier to understand our potential mates as we are from the same gender and our approach to potential relationships progress in an easier fashion." I did enjoy reading your post.

Sorry to read that you've had problems with blog haters. It's their loss.

Pierre said...

Thanks Anji!

I guess I should feel flattered in some way that individuals would take so much time and energy to try and silence me for writing a blog.

It's just a pity that those individuals aren't using their time in a more constructive manner.

And the Facebook thing really pissed me off!

Anonymous said...

This is a really nice blog. Thanks for putting your time into creating something like this. That video was hilarious.

Pierre said...

Thanks benwaysrustyscalpel glad you like my blog ;-)

WhiteSockGirl said...

I just 'discovered' your blog through the thread that you started on blogcatalog,... and what a find!

I absolutely love this post, you have a way with words,.. I found it so true, and I had some giggles in between.

"The consumption of alcohol also increases substantially!"Ok, are you spying on me? LMAO,...

And sorry about the facebook thing,... that is so bad. Unfortunately the www are full of narrow-minded people,...

I would know they have 'flagged' my blog a couple of times.

Pierre said...


Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!

I'm getting tired of the narrow-mindedness of some people, but I guess everyone has the right to their own prejudices - just unfortunate if it's directed at you. I'm sure the FB thing will be resolved in due course.

My next post may just deal with this issue of prejudice.

roentarre said...

You are spot on in the difference of heterosexual and homosexual relationship

The psyche is different. So is the wavelength of thinking.

I am twittering your feed here :)

Pierre said...

Cool, thanks roentarre!

I have come to realize that gay straight people have more in common than we think.

But the things that makes us different is what make life so much more interesting!

Written said...

what an interesting post. I love the great details and observations you have put in this.
=] It makes me smile. Thanks for sharing :)
Im following your blog!

Mac Callister said...

hey,my first time here.

Im maccallister from the philippines hehe nice to be here.

with regards to your post,its true,we all have one same anatomical heart structure so whether straight or gay,getting hurt with a loved ones are all the same pain,we just have to be strong to cope with it.

Pierre said...

Thanks for that Mac Callister, hope you return to my blog again in the future!

Jason Shaw said...

Great post my dear boy, the strangeness of relationships and break ups, the hunt for a new mate and the whole dating game! How strange and funny it is.

Pierre said...

Thanks Jason, dating rituals are queer indeed!

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