You can't make stuff like this up!

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction and nowhere else is this truer than in African politics. Africa is a queer and remarkable continent where its politicians continuously find ingenious ways to make us regular folks sit back and wonder what the hell they have been smoking. This week was no different as some newspaper articles had me laughing so hard I momentarily lost bladder control and others made me question whether God really has favourites when it comes to political parties. You cannot make this shit up, so sit back and be prepared to be astonished.

Malawi (you know that little speck on the African continent made famous by the Queen of Pop for adopting a new fashion accessory who then ended up not being an orphan after all) is about to approve new legislation that will make farting in public illegal. Yes, braking wind in public will result in you getting a criminal record and could even see you getting some jail time. Also to be made illegal by this new legislation are the serious criminal acts of impersonating a fortune teller, insulting the modesty of a woman, challenging someone to a duel and trespassing on a burial place. All serious and legitimate violations and acts only demonstrated by the most diabolical of criminal minds and the most vicious of delinquent offenders.

Yes, I can see how the discourteous act of farting in public can lead to societal moral collapse. After all bodily functions are the source of all the great evils in the world and are something any educated nation knows should be controlled by governmental legislation. Here is a country that’s got their priorities straight, a nation that stands for clean air, support their real soothsayers, respect women and sacred places and a country that encourages straightforward murder rather than a protracted boring dual. What a breath of fresh air that is, but how on earth are they going to enforce this?

If you are arrested for farting will there be a trial, how will it be proven and how much reliance will be placed on forensic evidence? Will there be harsher punishments for louder fowler farts and will there be mitigating circumstances or instances of aggravating considerations? Who knows, I guess we will have to wait and see for Malawi versus Farting Offender #01, and I hope it’s not you!

Closer to home the South African President during a political rally over the weekend was quoted as saying voting for the ruling party (African National Congress – ANC) will ensure you a place in heaven and voting for the opposition is a vote for the Devil (specifically the Prada wearing Devil Helen Zille). Naturally, after the media and wicked doing opposition parties berated him for this, the official response was that he was and I quote “misquoted”. Strange, seeing as just a couple of months prior he was also quoted as saying the ANC will rule until Jesus comes and leaving the ANC will result in you falling sick and dying. It boggles the mind how many times one man can be misquoted on the same topic that is religion – I guess the media still fails to grasp his ever shifting context.

I never knew God and the angels in heaven were invested in earthly politics. One would think their fight for our salvation transcends worldly toils, but I guess I am mistaken. I find it appropriate to repeat that according to the South African President there is a special place for the ruling party supporters in heaven and only the coming of Jesus will end their reign. I wonder how Jesus feels about this, do you think he knows and do you think he cares? Does this mean that if you are a Jew, Hindu, Muslim or god forbid an Atheist who don’t believe in Jesus, the second coming or the Christian Heaven you are screwed and don’t need to bother to vote? Does this mean the Devil herself is out to get the ANC and that the biblical battle on earth is not about good and evil but actually a political one with South Africa being the epicentre of what will determine the fate of all humanity? How on earth was this significantly important fact omitted from the Bible or are we missing the Chapter – The Book of Zuma? But either way thank you for clearing this up for us Mr President, I am glad that God is on your side, just make sure the voices that you are hearing in your head are in fact that of angels and not ones that requires medication.

Yes, Africa is truly one queer place with politicians and some governments providing us with more than our fare share of material to chuckle at, be amazed with and make fun off. Why they insist on setting themselves up to be mocked in this way is anybody’s guess. Sure, I have been somewhat facetious criticising two of our African leaders, but hey, farting should hardly be criminalized and assuming that God supports one political party is just plain ignorant. I say it’s time to tackle the real issues facing Africa and our respective countries, stop wasting time with frivolous nonsense and stop assuming our people the voters are stupid. Deal with the real issues, stop deceiving your citizens, stop threatening and intimidating people with religion and start behaving like the leaders you are suppose to be. Grow up you’re Presidents and not comedians so at least make a better effort to come across as such!