No I Don’t Want to Friend Your Cock

I have been on Facebook since 25 June 2007.  That is like forever in the cyber world.  I have been on Facebook longer than what most people’s relationships last; longer than what most people, including myself, stay at the same job.  Through the last five years I had my fair share of dramas on and with Facebook and I have learned that there are people on Facebook who have very serious fucking mental problems.  Reflecting back on my, sometimes tumultuous, history with “The Facebook” I could not help but wonder, are people really as fucked up in real life as they seem to be on the web.

During the last five years I have been banned from Facebook twice.  Yes banned! Twice!  Coincidentally, both times were preceded by some rather disturbing hate mail I received from some very fanatical religious freaks who took great umbrage at my mere existence.  These were the same freaks that, in all probability, reported me to the gods at Facebook who in return instead of investigating the “complaints” rather opted to disable my account.  Both times it took weeks and a torrent of emails for the Facebook gatekeepers to come to their senses and to reinstate my account.  The most recent time they threatened to banish me was because I had too many friends.

You see, Facebook has a 5000 friend limit.  I have reached that limit a couple of times at which times I were instructed by a faceless bot message to clean up my friend list OR ELSE.  Do you know how long it will take me to scrutinize my entire friend list?  It would not take days – it would take weeks!  The last time I was threatened to clean up my friend list was in August last year and it took me a whole week to delete just over 300 people.  My criteria were simple:  If you don’t have a profile picture of yourself, you were unfriended.  If your name is “Gay Love”, “iFuck a Lot” or “BJ King” or anything ridiculous like that you were gone.  And if you have your private parts as your profile picture you were unfriended.  And this leads me to my next point.  Why do some people think you are on Facebook to hookup?

My Facebook profile clearly reads “married” under my relationship status.  Surely the people who inbox me on Facebook can’t be illiterate?  I have gotten countless messages over the years ranging from people who were soliciting sex from me, wanting to know if hubby and I were into gang bangs, asking how big my dick is, what fetishes I am into and the best ones were “ASL” (age sex location).  Now if you need to ask me that on Facebook you are either just fucking retarded or super lazy!  I mean honestly, don’t these people read your profile before sending you profanities and wanting to have carnal knowledge of your body?  If I don’t know you chances are good that I also don’t want to play occupy the anus with you especially if we are not even on the same continent.

And then there are the people on Facebook who firmly believe that their dicks are their best physical attribute.  They are so very proud of their little sausages that they prominently display it as their profile pictures.  Now if you invite me as a friend and all I can see is your erect pointing the wrong way cock that’s barely disguising your unkept bush and hairy balls, chances are good that I will not accept your request.  Chances are even better that I will report your profile to Facebook and the message you will get in your inbox from me will read “No, I don’t want to friend your cock!”  I mean seriously, would you walk around in public with your crown jewels hanging out of your pants?  Doing it on Facebook is pretty much the same thing, don’t you think?

But Facebook don’t just have overly horny folks, they also have the spammers.  You know who I am talking about.  Those people who like to post products on their timelines, obsessively tag you in photos of brands, inbox 50 people at a time with “You can win a iPad 3” and those folks who troll groups and pages and post links to websites ranging from pornography to dating sites.  I believe there is a special place in hell for these fucktarts right next to telemarketers, homophobes, Hitler and Robert Mugabe.  I don’t know why Facebook don’t ban them.  Most of their profiles are fake anyway and this is why I never accept friend request from girls posing in sexy positions that have a lot of friends but never post anything on their timelines except for spam.

The other crowd of the people that occasionally annoy me on Facebook is the folks that clearly need to be in therapy and never mind airing all of their dirty laundry in public.  Sure sometimes it is entertaining reading their status updates in my news feed.  Following their mental meltdowns during the course of eight hours or reading how they are trying to get rid of their one night stands the next morning is quite entertaining.  But have these folks no shame?  Are they not aware that their friends are reading these status updates and are judging them?  Some days while reading my news feed on Facebook I feel so much more normal and mentally stable in comparison to some of my internet friends.  Watching their shit go down in real time feels a little voyeuristic, but hey if they post it who am I not to read it.

Lastly, I have a certain group on Facebook which I have been trying to close down now for well over a year but with little success.  Apparently winning a war in Iraq is easier than closing down a group on Facebook.  I decided to close the group down due to spam, people using it as their personal sex hookup spot, endless “add me” posts and a few other unsavory reasons.  I have closed the wall, banned hundreds of folks and outright threatened people.  Yet, the group continues to grow and currently have well over 22 000 members.  It boggles the mind.  Why would people stay in a group where you can’t do anything?  Moreover, why the hell would anyone want to join the group either?  The group is called “Gay” but should be called “Whores Orgies & Spam” instead.

Yes, Facebook is filled to its cyber brim with some fucked up people.  Perhaps some folks on Facebook think that I am fucked up, the lord knows I too have my moments.  But no matter how fucked up some people are, I keep on going back to some of my more favorite messed up friends’ profiles.  I do this because their problems and the fact that they are so vocal about it make my problems seem less severe and it’s fun to read and sometimes to watch it happen.  After all, only on the web can people truly embrace and express how fucked up they really are, something they dare not do in their real lives.  It’s just a pity that sometimes, when they least expect it, the two worlds collide and often times it does so with less than desirable consequences.

Till next time.