Why Heterosexuality is Unnatural

The other day at work my colleagues and I had yet another one of our captivating discussions. We usually have some sort of cerebral genius during our smoke breaks because we are brilliant like that. The discussion dealt, in part, about studies done on physiology and desirability and during which physiological phase’s men and women are most attracted to each. Suffice to say the studies in question solely dealt with heterosexual folk. It made for an interesting discussion and provided me with some unique insights, insights that lead me to realize that heterosexuality is most definitely unnatural.

Now, let me make something clear right from the get go - I have nothing against heterosexuals. Some of my best friends are straight and I do respect their lifestyle choice. I may not agree with it, I may not like it, but I love them and what they do behind their bedroom doors are none of my business. Sure straight folks flaunt their heterosexuality in public and we are forced to watch them kissing on television, but deep down I do believe they are only confused and this is just a phase they will eventually grow out off. And this is why.

Studies have shown that straight men are most attracted to women when they are in the peak of their menstrual cycle. I bullshit you not, this is true. The one week in the month when a woman feels her worst, feels bloated, cramping and the last thing on her mind and/or on her to do wish list is sex. And this is the time a guy wants to jump her? Talk about bad timing! On the flip side, women who are ovulating are most attracted to men who appear to be virile, you know the type. The manly man with all the man hair, sometimes bolding, the type of guys we queer folk know as bears or leather daddies. Peculiar isn’t it? The time a woman’s loins burn for some fertile sperm and she desires a leather chap wearing bear or on a bad day possibly even a really butch lesbian. But it doesn’t end there.

You see, nature never intended for people to engage in heterosexual relationships because nothing good can come of it. Just look around you, we see this every day. That guy in shopping mall looking like he wants to chew off his arm that’s holding his wife’s purse while she’s in the fitting room. The woman sitting in the bleachers with that bored glazed over expression on her face whishing she had rather gone out for cocktails with her girlfriends. And then there are the communication issues.

Straight guys and straight women just don’t speak the same language. Men never know that when they are asked “Do I look fat in this?” it actually means the women is fishing for a compliment and don’t actually give a flying fuck what you think. And straight women always confuse “The guys are meeting at the pub for the game” with actually thinking they are being asked for permission to let the guy go. And if the women let the guy go he thinks when she says “Have fun” she really means it, when in actual fact she means you better be home early, sober and not smelling of some slut’s perfume. But the heterosexual phase is not all bad.

Procreation is the only positive thing to come from the straight folk’s heterosexual phase. You stick a dick into a vagina once without a condom and voila 9 months later there pops out a baby. But this too poses as problem. The world is over populated as it is. This making of babies whenever and wherever straight folks want needs to stop, it just isn’t right. After all we need to think of our gene pool. I don’t know about you but I have had quite enough of ugly and stupid people. Heterosexual procreation needs to be regulated and only fortunate looking and intelligent people should be allowed to contribute to the population. We queer folk will have to identify and eradicate the heterosexual gene and stop this madness. But before we do that we need to do something about straight marriage.

The sanctity of marriage is being destroyed by people with heterosexual tendencies. Since they started getting married centuries ago they have slowly been picking at it taking something that was beautiful and making it ugly. Heterosexuals are committing polygamy, getting divorced, marrying their relatives, having affairs, getting married multiple times and it is disgusting! For years we have had to tolerate the hideous white dresses, pompous flower arrangements and exaggerated cakes, sitting in the Church pews having to pretend that we condoned what they were doing, committing these acts against nature. Well, we had enough and now the queers will have to dig our flexible heels in and show them how it is done. The gays will have to restore the sanctity of marriage to its former glory.

We have a long hard road ahead of us my fellow queers. Living in a world with so many confused people with heterosexual tendencies isn’t easy. Everywhere we look they want to convince themselves that their lifestyle choice is normal. They do this with television shows, movies and magazines. Every day I look at this spectacle, roll my eyes and quietly whisper to Gaga “I am so glad I was born this way”.

Till next time.