Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Day in My Head

In life one can and should expect many surprises. Living on the southernmost tip of Africa, I like many of my fellow South Africans, sure have no shortage of that. But today I choose not to dwell on the circus that is politics, nor will I focus on gay rights or the lack thereof in the rest of the world. Today I choose to focus my attention on a subject matter far more interesting and complex. Today I will provide you with an unbridled glimpse of what goes on inside my head. So brace yourselves here is a rundown of a typical day in my life.
Contrary to popular believe, I am not a morning person nor do I break out in a glee like musical with the first break of light. In the morning it takes a good hour and a half to become me. Due to chronic insomnia and an approximate 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night, I awake in the morning totally personality-less and somewhat unpleasant For this reason I try to avoid any form of human interaction before I am fully awake as I may hurt someone. Like a computer my brain needs to boot up and any application request during this process will lead to my brain crashing and the rebooting process to start afresh. I absolutely hate morning people or any person who wakes up happy – they are freaks of nature. Should a cheerful morning glory bitch cross my path I tend to fight the urge to cut them up like a cracked up tranny hooker and wipe their blood from my pillow wrinkle imprinted drool covered face. I sometimes wish I had a little billboard on my forehead that reads “Approach with caution!” and proximity warning bells, because if I had many an early morning grunt and sneer could have been avoided.

After I have shaved my man hair, powdered my face and wrestled my hair and wardrobe into a recognizable submission, Facebooked and Twittered it is time to face traffic. I am what you may call an impatient and aggressive yet courteous driver. I have no patience with taxi drivers, people applying makeup and/or hair products while driving or people who fail to use indicator lights. As such I also have no dilemma with driving these people of the road and I have done so in the past. Even though, in recent months, I have made a conscious decision to keep to the speed limit, I do see my drive to work as a race against time. A race I am adamant to win but looses daily. So if the speed limit is 120Km/h I expect everyone else to drive at 120Km/h or get the hell off the highway and/or out of my way.
Work is something I enjoy and suffer simultaneously for about 8 hours a day as it pays my bills and sustains my not so lavish lifestyle. Like most work places there are people and when there are people there are issues. I, for one, absolutely detest it when I greet someone and they look me square in the eyes and ignore me. Are they deaf, in a semi vegetative state or are they just plain rude? But just the other day, having had a dreadful morning, I too was greeted with a cordial “Good morning” to which I duly responded “What is so fucking good about it?” Maybe I should have kept quiet, but hey that’s better than just being ignored don’t you think? Alternatively, if they don’t want to speak the least they could do is give a polite smile or a nod of the head. It only takes 17 muscles to smile and if I can crack a smile with my Botox laden face even when I don’t want to or don’t feel particularly friendly they can do that too Damnit!

At work, as I am sure most of you will agree, there are times that your attention is not as focused as it should be. As for me, during those times, I tend to get lost in what is called my “Ally Mcbeal moments”. For those of you too young to remember the series I recommend renting it. There have been some meetings during which my imagination got the better of me. In one particular meeting, about a rather serious subject matter, I caught myself sitting in a room and everyone were wearing pink ballet tutus with the one rather bombastic gentleman additionally in fishnet stockings and red 9 inch high heels – it took some restraint not to giggle. Don’t get me wrong I always give my full attention in important meetings, workshops and interviews I just tend to livening it up a bit and make otherwise dull situations a little bit more colorful. After all I do bore easily and everything is more fun and interesting in pink!
After a hard day’s work and road rage there is nothing I like better to do than come home and smell my cats. Sure it is not an exercise they enjoy but it gives me pleasure and they are rewarded for the indignity with a treat. After I get my daily whiff of pussy, worked in a spot of television it is time for dinner. An exercise fraught with complications when it’s hubby’s turn to cook: You see, when it comes to food I can be full of shit. I have issues with textures of certain foods and I also have an aversion to pasta, pancakes and two minute noodles. With the latter being a painful reminder of my student days when I was poor and it use to be my staple diet. Two minute noodles with mayonnaise, avocado and lemon juice to this day brings back the angst of exams and project deadlines.

After a long day bedtime is usually between 10pm and 12am, sometimes 1am. I did mention I have insomnia, right? Our sleeping arrangement could be peculiar to some. In bed, other than being fabulous, I tend to be a blanket hoarder and, of late, a pillow thief and I am still not sure why I do that. Also being somewhat claustrophobic our 4 cats have learned that my side of the bed is off limits and crossing the border will result in retaliation involving feet. So many nights/mornings poor hubby would awake without a pillow, only a small part of the blanket and our four cats on top of him with the soothing sounds of my quiet and very adorable snoring. So this is how most of my days go down. Boring aint it?

Till next time.

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