Straight Eye for the Queer Guy

It’s not often that I get guest writers for my blog. In fact in the last 2 years I have only had 4. So seeing as I was going through a short lived phase of not loving my blog much and having one of my close friends being bored at work, I suggested he write an article for me. A good idea at the time. Or so it seemed. But it didn’t go quite as planned and it had me suffer a brief panic attack and caused a rather humorous fall out. Here’s how it went down.

Ok, so lately my fagaliciousness hit what you may call a speed bump. My serotonin levels took a dip and my creative juices ran low. I wasn’t really in the mood to write and my last shitty blog post is a literary example of that. So when the opportunity presented itself to have someone else write a fresh and inspired article for my blog I grabbed it with both hands and wrestled it to the ground. My hairstylist (the creative genius) had a slow day at work and offered to write a blog post. It was to be titled “Straight Eye for the Queer Guy”. Brilliant, I thought. A straight man’s perspective on us queer folk has the potential to be insightful, funny and could get loads of hits. You know I am a whore when it comes to unique visitors to my blog. So I gave him the green light and anxiously waited for him to pen it down.

Later that day I got a call from him and he read me the first two paragraphs and I was impressed. It was witty and sounded like a piece my readers would really enjoy. That evening my husband brought me the DVD disk with what promised to be a really good article. The creative genius told me that I should not feel obliged to publish his article and gave me Carte Blance to edit it as I saw fit. I thought the editing would be a breeze, but I was wrong. What seemed to be a good idea and promising article turned out to be quite the opposite.

The article turned out to be a clusterfuck of confusion. It started off quite interesting but at paragraph 3 it descended into an incoherent mind fuck addressing issues ranging from Lady Gaga’s lack of a wiener to spy cams and elves. I’m sure it all made sense in the creative genius’s head but I could not figure it out. So I went about trying to fix it. I tried to re-write the article several times, but with each attempt it only got worse. So I started to panic. I was faced with the unpleasant choice – do I hurt my friend’s feelings and don’t publish it or do I publish it and have my readers think the author is riding on the crazy train. I mulled over this for several hours. But finally I had to concede that the article was not good and I was very nervous about breaking the news to my friend. So I did what any one in my position would do, I BBM’ed his wife.

Me: Hey, I have a conundrum. How do I tell your man that I am not going to use his article? I tried to fix it, I really did for 2 hours. It just aint working!

Wife: LoL!!! Hahaha….. my only advice is shit I have none!!!

Me: Thanks for nothing! I will then go with the “Fuck, I got mugged & the only thing they stole was the DVD with your article on it! But at least I am OK” Will that work?

Wife: Hahaha, my man just caught me laughing really loud!!!! Now what!

Me: Say nothing, your having an epileptic fit! Fake one now!!!

Naturally a couple of minutes later my phone rang and it was him. At first I did try the mugging story but it did not work. I was left with no choice but to tell him the truth. He took the news as well as could be expected. I think I did hurt his feelings a smidge. But hey, he’s a big boy I just hope he doesn’t fuck up my hair the next time I am there for a cut.

So “Straight Eye for the Queer Guy” never came to be. It is sad really because I did love the title. But sitting down staring at a blank page and writing something each week is not for everybody. Sure I sometimes misuse grammar, abuse punctuation and treat spelling like my bitch, but at least you get to read something. It may not always be brilliant and I don’t see any Pulitzer Prizes in my future, but as long as you are reading I will continue writing.

Till next time.