Monday, May 3, 2010

Fairy Godparents

In life there are many momentous occasions; occasions that signifies milestones in our lives. Weddings, funerals and the birth of a child are just a few such examples. This past weekend I attended the baby shower of a friend who will be bringing a bundle of joy into this world in August. While sitting there watching the celebration, surrounded by crying babies and the pitter-patter of small feet I couldn’t help but ponder whether parenthood would one day befall me and whether I wanted any children of my own.

My husband and I have been asked many times whether we have considered having children. Quite a queer question if you think about it; we can’t have kids the natural way and believe me we try. If we want kids we would either have to adopt or make use of a surrogate. The plus side of using a surrogate is the fact that we can have a child that’s biologically ours without having to ruin either one of our figures. The decision to have children is quite a difficult one as for us queer folk it would entail loads of red tape and paperwork unlike our heterosexual counterparts who only have to have a night of marital bliss for a bun to be cooking in the oven. The concept of having children and the yearning to have them also seem to differ between gay and straight people.

Many times I have heard that once a woman reaches a certain age her biological clocks start ticking. This is a concept I find particularly intriguing. Is there some kind of biological deadline woman have, where she has to accomplish certain things or she will expire like milk? Is this mystical clock on a timer and if she passes her deadline do alarms sound that mockingly calls her a biological failure? In my social circle the deadline for having children appears to be between the magical ages of 30 to 40. After 40 there seems to be some kind expiry date for my female friends’ eggs and the next major deadline to look forward to is menopause. When it comes to my straight male friends I have not come across one that moaned and bitched about their biological clocks as straight men, in some cases, are only limited to two emotions when it comes to procreation – hungry and horny! So if he doesn't have an erection, girls please make him a sandwich.

When it comes to children, I have to be honest – they scare me. I have never been good with small children and they make me nervous. When they look at me with those innocent eyes I can almost swear they are searching for and identifying my weaknesses, plotting and scheming how far they would be able to push me before I will crack. Babies are also no different; the minute one is handed to me it will do one of two things – cry hysterically or throw up on me and most often both will happen. What makes this worse is when the proud mother would say “Ah... she likes you”, and this while I stand there covered in baby spit and the child turning red from screaming. Hubby on the other hand is great with kids and he can command their respect. When he says “No” children tend to listen. When I say “No” the complete opposite happens and what was rowdy before will turn into complete and utter chaos. It is times like this that I am sure my biological clock resets itself to “Never” when it comes to having children.

Having children is a life changing experience and this I have seen with many of my friends. Children truly are a blessing. What concerns me is the fact that a child does not come with a complete instruction manual and when they are broken you can’t take them back and ask for a refund. It’s a lifelong investment and not a cheap one at that. Children can be the source of great joy and also be the source of great headaches. Having been a tremendously difficult child to raise, I distinctly remember my mother telling me when I was having one of my classic tantrums during puberty that one day I will have children of my own and payback was going to be a bitch. Whether these words somewhat influenced my current decision for not wanting children I don’t know. When I do have children of my own, one day, I am sure many of my mother’s prophetic words will come back to haunt me and her favourite words “I gave life to you and I can take it away!” may just one day cross my lips when my child makes me angry.

With the majority of our friends, of a certain age, busy contemplating have children, trying to fall pregnant or being “with child” I feel no particular rush to get knocked-up or to knock-up hubby. We will not be renting a womb or be searching Africa for a child. For now we are quite content being Fairy Godparents and when our godchildren get difficult returning them home to their respective parents. This is not to say we have permanently closed the door to parenthood, we may still be open to the idea – check in again with us when we are forty.

Till next time.

Gay Education


nothingprofound said...

The interesting thing about being gay is that you have to put a lot more conscious thought into whether you want a child. With heterosexual couples so much of the time, it's slam-bam-mam and guess what? Now what we do we do? You don't get to weigh the pros and cons until later, which has its up and down side. Personally, that reality worked well for me, because I'm not a planner and prefer to do things first and think about them later.

Anonymous said...

I was Blessed 4 years ago with the Ultimate gift from God A baby Girl. Her mother a friends sister was dying of aids and was a Crack Head(so she was addicted to cocain when she was born). The mother died shortly after birth and I was called to say MY Little Angle had been Born, Caroline Marie after My Grandmother. I was so happy and full of joy. But it was turned into Sarrow before i could see and feel her. Her little body could not take the withdrawls and she to passed shortly after her birth. 2 days to be exact. I wanted her so so so bad.:-( But God had bigger
plans for her as an Angel. I would still love to be a daddy. I know kids are hard work and your life becomes Their life, what they need comes 1st. So don't be afraid of Kids! They can tell when u r. I am sure U will be a great Daddy someday if u decide to adopt of go surrogate.


Pierre said...

@nothingprofound, good point maybe heterosexual couples should weigh up the pros and cons before having a child. Being a responsible person is highly undervalued.

@Vick, I am terribly sorry to hear about your baby girl (Caroline Marie, what a beautiful name). We don't always know why certain things happen, but all our experiences do serve a purpose in the bigger scheme of things. There may just be another child out there who needs a good home and all the love you have to give.

Dangsulaeman said...

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Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I'm sure you'll be a great parent! But, yes, to be sure have babies when YOU want to and not because "everyone's got one so I should too"!!

And, those prophetic words of mom....were said to me too by my mom! She was right but I'm still alive and am still not wishing my kids away!!

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