Friday, May 21, 2010

12 Year Anniversary (That’s like 20 in straight years)

Today is our 12 year anniversary, that’s like 20 in straight years. Gosh, I can’t believe hubby and I have been together for so long – we must be getting old! I received many well wishes today. Many said “congratulation you guys set a good example”. After reading some of the e-mails I started to wonder, are we the exception rather than the rule in the gay community? Is it that rare to find gay couples in committed relationships that actually last?

Look, I must be honest the last 12 years wasn’t all smooth sailing. We most certainly have had our ups and downs. We even broke up once to “see other people” and that lasted less than a week. Like all couples we have our disagreements and the odd fight and having to compromise on issues either one of us feel strongly about. But at the end of the day it’s all worth it once you find that special someone you are willing to make the effort for.

In all relationships, once you pass a certain point you start behaving like an old married couple. Trust me; this happens without you even knowing. You start finishing each other’s sentences, reacting in the same way and making the same agreeable noises at the same time during conversations or watching television. You bicker in shops about groceries or at the nursery about what plants you want in your garden. Get irritated when there is one ice cube left in the tray and hubby didn’t see it necessary to fill it; or hubby being irritated because I have the inability to properly close draws after I liberated an item from it. You know you are an old married couple once you feel comfortable making a number two while your partner is in the bath next to you (I know it’s rude but it does happen). Luckily for us, we are not the only gay couple that exhibits such queer behavior.

There are many couples in the gay community that have been together longer than us. There is no secret handbook that tells gay people how to make relationships work. Yet, couples in long term relationships almost seem to be viewed as mystical – knowing something or doing something that helps their relationships last. I often times wonder why this is. Is it because we are less visible in the community? Maybe this is true because as we grow older we tend to go to clubs less, rather opting to spend quiet evenings at home with friends. Not all of us are actively involved in community and we go about our daily business unnoticed. So when do the younger gays ever get to see that it is possible to find your soul mate and that gay relationships can and do last?

In the world of clubbing, sex and drugs when you are young, if I recall my twenties correctly, some queers are into fast love, plenty of sex and parties. I saw many of my single friends have one night stands then thinking they are in love followed by a three month relationship, then growing bored and abruptly ending it. Some lucky ones even made it to a year. The one common denominator I identified was this notion that there might just be someone out there whom may better than the boyfriend/girlfriend they currently had. None of these friends, I believe, were ready to settle down at the time. I remember one friend telling me just after our 4th anniversary that he wished he had what hubby and I have – someone that loved him enough to want to stay with him. The problem was not that “that someone” wouldn’t love him enough but the mere fact that he just wasn’t ready to put in the effort from himself. Now 8 years later, he did find that someone and is willing to make the effort to ensure that his relationship will last.

No relationship just happens over night. It’s a lot of work and takes time. Both people must be willing to put in the effort and be strong enough to endure both the good times and the bad. Understandably, it is difficult in the gay community as we sometimes face challenges much different from our straight counterparts and role models are few and far in between. But this should not mean if you are single to give up hope. Hubby and I, and other couples like us should not be viewed as the exception, but rather as the rule. Everyone has someone out there who will love them unconditionally, support them and be prepared to travel the road with them no matter how smooth or rough it maybe. Sometimes the gay cupid is just a tad slow, or maybe a tad wise making sure your special someone crosses your path at just the right time.
Till next time.

Madonna 4 Minutes Parody by Sherry Vine (for the mature audience)


Clueless said...

This is quite coincidential as a gay male friend an I were talking about this. I see gay female relationships as usual unstable with horrible breakups. There are psychological reasons for this. However, gay men relationships seem to run the same gamut as heterosexual relationship from one nighter, divorce and long term relationships.

I think that the younger gay men go through the same developmental process as straight men in that adolescence devolopmentally goes into the early twenties and they do the same type of things that young adults do.

Just my opinion.

Pierre said...

Clueless, you make a good point. I never really thought about it that way Hmmm... Thanks for making me think! Maybe gay guys and straight guys aren't that different after all.

Cnith said...

Psychological reasons for women break ups? hahahaha, OK, I want to hear what insight clueless has given his sign on...

Anyway, it's true, we women are very complicated and often stupid when it comes to emotions. I was fortunate enough to have a more male brain so I don't get into as much drama but I have my moments.

Gay men and Straight men aren't that different. I love you both. I love gay men more because I can have an actual conversation with them without them going "can I get into your pants now? I think we've talked long enough! Please?" (not so blunt but same idea)

Anyway, I like the simplicity of men. You guys say one thing and it really does mean that thing. There's no hidden messages. You communicate well for someone who's not so complicated. Meaning, if you're a girl, what you guys say makes us go, what?! Because we're thinking a million things and anything BUT what you said. Ie. I'm going to the store to buy milk. To a girl it means, I'm going out and leaving you b/c I can't stand to be with you. Or it could be, I'm going to pick up another chick behind your back. Or I'm going out for a smoke even though I know you hate it so I'm hiding it from you.

It rarely means, I'm going to get milk.

Hence the psychological mess I think clueless was saying...

Still, I have met MORE gay men couples who are in relationships for decades than I have straights or lesbians. Well, the newer generations. Back in 'pop's' generation, people were married 50+ years and no one batted an eye. It was normal. Now you're lucky to have FIVE... Back then, divorce was never an option. Now it seems to be a requirement. It's sad.

That being said, it's NO WONDER straights have problems with gay marriage. Threatening the institution? Damn right! You show them it CAN be done... the nerve...

lol. :) But I love you for it. Gives me hope. I might have to find a gay man and the next best thing scenario, but hey, I have hope. ;)

Clueless said...


By the way, I am a straight female. This also happens in friendship especially female friendships. Due to the more typically emotionalality and emotional needs of females their relationships often become fused or enmeshed which leads to gut wrenching messy break ups. However, this happens in heterosexual relationships as well expecially if on has a borderline personality or narssitic personality disorder. However, it appears to happen most often in lesbian relationships.

In a fused relationship, two people become dependant on one another, and also become inseperable, with out much room for two seperate personal identities.

In an overdependent or enmeshed relationships which are very common. They are relationships with poor boundaries, where people have difficulty determining what their own feelings. Feelings are determined by what the other's feelings are. There is very little independence. It is just this overwhelming sense of fusion of the two individuals which can be very unhealthy People who tend to find enmeshed relationships do so because their instincts direct them toward individuals with similar needs, people who tend to push the same emotional buttons, and have the same emotional needs.

I could go further into the psychological dynamics of such relationships, but I would be writing a thesis, at least.


Pierre said...

@Cnith, "That being said, it's NO WONDER straights have problems with gay marriage. Threatening the institution? Damn right! You show them it CAN be done... the nerve... " - LOVE IT!

@Clueless,I would be interested in reading your thesis ;-)

nothingprofound said...

Congratulations on your anniversary, Pierre! I know many gay couples whose relationships are going into their twentieth, even thirtieth year. Most unions are pretty unstable, especially among young people first discovering themselves and their sexuality. It's a lot easier to be happy with someone when you're mature and know how to satisfy your needs.

KB said...

Congratulations! Being in a relationship for 12 years and being truly happy is something to celebrate regardless of the sexual orientation. I hope you enjoy many more years together.

Nik_TheGreek said...

12 years! wow! That is indeed something to celebrate!
May you have many more years together in bliss!
How did you celebrate?

Pierre said...

Thanks guys! We spent a quiet & romantic evening at home with some champagne and good food ;-)

swkpboy said...

Congratulations!! Being in a relationship is awsume. Even though mine broke up after 5 and a half years I still learned so much and enjoyed the stability it afforded me. and yes Pierre we should keep looking. Difficult and frustrating as it is.

Pierre said...

swkpboy, thanks. I am sure there's someone out there perfect for. When the time is right it will happen!

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