I am not sure whether you heard but the world is about to
end (this is where you run away in horror screaming). According to a range of eschatological
beliefs some cataclysmic or transformative events will occur on 21 December
2012. Coincidentally this is also when
the Mayan calendar ends. The human race
will be swatted off this rock we call earth like flies are swatted off a piece of
stale of bread. This
seriously will be interfering with my holiday and Christmas plans. With this looming disaster I am however left
with many important questions. Important questions like what the fuck do you where to the apocalypse? Must I wear my hair up or down? Will I need sun screen? These are the type of question you really should
be asking yourself and the answers would greatly depend on how the end of the
world as we know it pans out. So here
are two scenarios to consider.
Look, earth is in the middle of nowhere in space and, apart
from aliens, there are a shit load of stuff flying around in our vast galaxy
that we don’t know about. Any of which
could be on a direct trajectory to our little blue planet. So it is viable that an intergalactic fender
bender like the one that killed all the dinosaurs could occur. There have been many movies made about asteroids
hitting the earth and most of them have happy endings. But, if the Mayans are right our ending won’t
be. Happy that is. We will all die screaming and those who
survive will later die either from freezing to death or starvation but we will
all die! Not being one for the dramatics
(yea right) I would prepare for the end as follows.
Firstly, if it is confirmed that a huge rock was hurdling our
way and they named it something terrifying like “ZardanofX51” I would first pee myself a little and then go on one
mother of a shopping spree. I mean
honestly. If the earth is going to end
and we are all going to die anyway who the hell won’t max out their Visa
cards? It’s not like the bank will
foreclose your house because it will no longer be there and neither will the
bank and the bankers will all be dead.
And who wants to die screaming dressed in last year’s fashion, cheap
sunglasses and a fake mink coat. If an asteroid
is going to hit the earth I want to look catastrophically appropriate and
utterly fabulous. The reason being that
if in a 1000 years from now alien archeological rovers discover my charred
fossil I want them to go “Ah, this
species had good taste, was well fed and could accessorize the hell out of an
outfit. I wonder who were Prada, Armani, Gaultier and Lacroix?”
But asteroids aren’t a very glamorous way to die in an apocalypse
so I secretly hope that it won’t end that way on 21 December. I would much rather prefer being sucked into
a black hole. I have always been fascinated
with black holes and how little we know about them. Personally I have never been in one myself but
from what I hear once you go black you never go back. And from what I have seen on television, more
specifically the Discovery channel, being sucked into black hole is not a
pleasant experience as you are first stretched beyond your physical limit and
then compressed into a minute particle. For
in case you haven’t realized it this scenario is not compatible with life and you will die. But on the upside, at least you will look
really thin for a few seconds. So it’s
not all bad.
If a black hole was to appear on 21 December I hope it is
during the day time and that it is sunny and hot outside. You see I would like to spend my last hours
on earth next to the pool, sunbathing while drinking cocktails. Lots of cocktails! If I will end up being mutilated and molested by
gravitational forces I would prefer to be highly lubricated, intoxicated and
high on poppers. I might even try
negotiating with the black hole and it would go something like this “Sorry, nope I am not going into your black
hole today. It’s not like I am a racist
or something but I don’t go into any holes if it hasn’t properly courted me or
at the very least bought me dinner. Do I
look like a slut to you? Go destroy Mars or Venus.” Of course this won’t make any difference, but
it would make me feel like at least I tried.
And remember I would be drunk as hell so it would be, at the time, a
perfectly sensible thing to do in my mind.
Who said the apocalypse can’t be fun. If you are going to die anyway and know when
that day is what would you prefer to do?
Sit scared shitless in a bunker with canned food, bottled water,
batteries and flash lights or would you prefer to get shitfaced and stuff
yourself with all the food that’s bad for you but tastes delicious. Honestly, I would prefer to do the latter. I’d rather die laughing than die
screaming. It is the end of the world
after all, you might as well let your hair down and live a little. It’s not like you will be tagged in drunken
pictures on Facebook the next day. It’s
not like you are going to wake up the morning of the 22nd after
having been asleep in your own vomit thinking “What the fuck happened last night?
What did I do? What’s this chunky
sour smelling stuff on my face and in my hair?” No you won’t because you will be dead. That’s how the apocalypse ends. That’s why they call it an Apocalypse bitches!
Whether or not the world will really end on 21 December
2012, who the hell knows. I for one
think it’s a bullshit story. If I recall
correctly, the world was suppose to end like twice this year already and we are
all still here. So what will make 21
December so special and catastrophic? So
the Mayan calendar ends then, but maybe the Mayans just got tired. Or maybe the Mayans updated their calendars to
that date and decided that the next generation would do the next 100 years and
unfortunately for them, their descendants were a bunch of procrastinating lazy
shits. Whatever the case maybe I will
not be holding my breath for fire and brimstone to be falling out of the
sky. On 21 December I will be lazing
about doing holiday stuff and drinking a moderate amount of cocktails because I
hate hangovers. If you want to sit in a
bunker, it’s your choice.
Till next time.
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