Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert and a Fat Fairy

This past weekend I attended a fabulous star studded birthday party and had the most fun I had in a long time. Rubbing shoulders with the likes of Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert, the Kardashians and John Galliano (to mention but a few) the evening was filled with laughter, booze and 430 paparazzi photographs. Yes as all parties go with “celebrities” the paparazzi was a tad overly eager when it came to the pictorials. And it is these pictorials that opened my eyes to a few not so small changes I urgently need to make before summer.
Saturday hubby and I attended the 40th birthday party of a very good friend of ours. It was a theme party and the brief was to come as your alter ego. Quite a challenging brief and many of the attendees were in a panic a few days prior as discovering your alter ego is more difficult than it may sound. Luckily Google, costume shops and creative makeup techniques lend a hand and came Saturday evening everyone left their homes and arrived at the venue as someone else, much to the delight of the other guests.
The guest of honor arrived as the Absence Fairy and her husband as Jack Sparrow. Other guest included Gary the Tooth Fairy, Zorro, a French Maid, a Playboy Bunny and various representatives of the Armed Forces. With a punch potent enough to be considered illegal this social lubricant did what it was intended for and the group was soon relaxed and all were in a party mood. As the drinks flowed and dancing started Gary the Tooth Fairy and his boyfriend Zorro decided to be the unofficial paparazzi for the evening. While sitting across from Adam Lambert who was gnawing at his nails like a squirrel a nut (to get the Paris Hilton nail polish off) the paparazzi was happily flashing away.
As the evening progressed the party became livelier and the flashing of cameras seemed less intimidating. To say that the guest of honor ended up dancing in the Jacuzzi should suffice in describing the extent of our inebriation, and the fact that all our shenanigans where documented by the paparazzi without any objection, at the time, should further support in this explanation. At around 2am and several coffees later hubby and I headed home and the greater part of Sunday was spent nursing our massive hangovers, swearing of tequila, absence and whatever other alcoholic beverages we have ever had in our lives.
As our heads cleared the faint memory of flashes soon stirred some concern. “Oh my God, did we do anything or were we at all embarrassing?” I worryingly asked hubby to which he responded “If we were I am sure there are pictures!!!” With great apprehension I logged onto Facebook (the portal for mass and immediate embarrassment) and to my relief at 2pm on Sunday no damning photos. Relieved I conveyed the good news to hubby and then his phone rings – it’s the Absence Fairy! “430 photos you’re kidding me, is it going onto the Internet? Oh Nooo!” was the words the almost stopped my heart.
Being pretty sure, but not convinced, that we behaved I had to wait until Monday before the first batch of party photos found their way onto Facebook. Somewhat concerned I opened the party photo album and was horrified!!! You see there are some photos that’s far worse and more embarrassing than any drunken, puking or passed out picture – there were fat photos that make me look 3 months pregnant!!!
OK, so I haven’t been to the gym in just under a year, but I have been busy and I have had some stress and I am an emotional eater” I whispered to myself in a quivering voice with my cats staring at me with concerned eyes. Looking at some of those photos my denial that I have been packing on some winter blubber was utterly obliterated and I had to face the ugly truth – I got fat! Gaining weight is evil; it’s a gradual process of which you and those who see you often hardly notice until one day. A day your pants no longer fit, you notice a second chin instead of one, a day you see yourself in a photo that not even excessive airbrushing can fix!
With the shock of my weight gain and spring in the Southern Hemisphere of this lovely planet only 7 days away I decided to pull myself together and start a transformation. Today I had my face botoxified (again) and my frown lines filled. Saturday I will have my winter fur ripped out of their follicles and on Monday I will be returning to the palace of torture and I will be sweating and toiling my fat away until till I am ripped again. I will not be like Oprah, and this time I will keep the weight off. Now all that’s left is to get rid of the evidence of this my second fat phase.

Till next time.



Kimberly said...

Ohhhh I feel your pain. I had the same realization eons ago when I was married. I wonder now if THAT is the reason why I'm so against getting remarried. I just finished a detox and started up my work out routine again (took the summer off) and I feel great. You'll get there.

One lucky thing about me is that I can gain 10 pounds and it goes to places where no one notices but me - tits, ass, thighs. My middle doesn't budge - Once the belly shows up, I know I'm in trouble.

Have a blast at them gym!

Pierre said...

Kimberly, I'm dreading the first couple of weeks back at the gym. Getting back into the exercise routine will be an accomplishment in itself. But I'm sure I'll be fine, sore and stiff but I'll be fine.

Alicia Celeste said...

Just found your blog via blogcatalog and TOTALLY feel ya on this post!

But I have good news for you: You're a man, and you have a kickass metabolism that will work to make you strong and lean and fit in NO time!

Good luck getting back to the you that you want to be. It can be done! :)

Pierre said...

Alicia Celeste,I'm glad you discovered my blog and hope you'll be a frequent visitor. I'm not looking forward to the first few weeks back at the gym, but once I'm over the initial hurdle and get back into the routine I'm sure I will enjoy it!

Clueless said...

OH! What a tough revelation. I've had an eating disorder for more than 30 years and gained more than 60 pounds last year from medical problems. I don't know who that is in the mirror anymore...I'm off to losing it...slowly as my health still impedes my ability to exercise.

Oh, the 30s slow down in metabolism...the 40s is worse. Get a hold on it now. I have a male friend who has maintained and is now in his fifties, but don't tell him I told his age...LOL!!

Clueless said...

I forgot...I loved this parody and want to use it on my blog. Wierd Al Yankovic is also going to do a parody on this song...can't wait.

Pierre said...

Clueless, don't tell me it gets worse!!!

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