Illuminatus Faggotus

I recently watched a documentary about cults which I found fascinating. The phenomena of cults have a long and interesting history – some quite bizarre and other just plain hilarious. The common denominator amongst them is the fact that their leaders profited from them in one way or the other. It must be fun being a leader of such a group where people will believe and do anything you tell them to no matter how wacky it may be. Which led me to think; maybe I should start a cult!
Essential to starting any cult is finding an appropriate name. Something catchy that will deceive people into believing this is the cult for them. It should be something that sounds both ominous and exclusive at the same time. You want people to believe that they are special after all and entice their sense of adventure! I played around with a couple of names: Queers of Zion (too out there), Fabulous Faggots (too gay), Brothers and Sisters of Gaga (too obvious), none seemed quite fitting. None had that rolling off the tongue panache that would draw in my unsuspecting followers. Then after smoking a cigarette and laughing diabolically (as becoming of a potential cult leader) I came up with the perfect name – Illuminatus Faggotus! It is the perfect combination of scary, powerful, dangerous and secretive with just the right pinch of gay that will draw in the queers, have the heterosexuals confused and make all the outsiders jealous.
Now that I have the name of my cult, the next step is to decide what type of cult it should be. I imagined there would be more choices but it came down to a political cult, a religious cult or an economic cult. Firstly, a political cult will not work for me as the type of followers I would want to attract will not care for politics. Secondly, a religious cult will also not work as I am already under the Vatican’s radar and I don’t feel like dishing up a sermon every week or pissing off the Pope any further. So an economic cult will have to do. I will ask every member for all their money and become fabulously rich in the process – perfect!
Wait a minute... Nobody will just willingly give me all their money without there being something in it for them. I need to promise them something, something fantastic. I will promise them eternal life! If they follow me and give me all their cash they will never die. You heard me, they will live forever! I am not crazy (yet) and know I can’t accomplish this, but Ssht! ...don’t tell my potential followers! It’s the perfect scam. You see as they age and/or fall sick or even die those poor folks will be branded as not being loyal enough to the cult, not devoted enough and didn’t give enough money and this is why they didn’t make it. Clever, don’t you think? You may ask yourself what I will say if I get sick, simple – exactly the same thing blaming them and asking for more money. Those who don’t comply with the one fundamental rule of funding my elaborate cult and lavish lifestyle will age horribly! The secrets and special energy, personal "fountain of youth", I possess will not be bestowed on them. To further enforce compliance all members who transgress any other rules will be forced to do voluntary work at retirement homes’ frail care facilities.
No cult is complete without some sort of cohesive bond or branding to create that all important sense of belonging. All Illuminatus Faggotus members will be expected to go blond, go to gym twice a day, follow a special healthy diet and look fabulous all the time. All members will be expected to have a bad attitude and portray an image of being better than anyone else. Contacts with non members will be kept to the absolute minimum to further emphasize exclusivity and the only contact will be for recruitment or punishment purposes. Seeing as I have all their money I will provide them with one fabulous outfit each (preferably knock off Armani), member’s will have to build their own gyms from scrap yard material and grow their own food. Their shared suffering will facilitate the creation of a strong bond and a loyal following.
The official language of the cult shall be gay slang and a thick gay accent will be mandatory and limp wrists will be an added advantage. Speech therapy will be provided to those members’ who struggle to manage the gay lisp. Weight gain will be strictly monitored and all overweight members will be chastised and be forced to watch “The Biggest Looser” nonstop until they lose weight or slip into a coma. Members will be made to believe that all non-members are evil and are dying slowly every day and any contact with non-believers will age them prematurely and ultimately cause their deaths. The most important rule, apart from sacrificing all their hard earned cash, will be to never admit to being part of a cult. Nooo... it’s not a cult it’s a “society” or a “lifestyle” insistently adding “I have never looked or felt better in my life, you must really consider joining”.

My cult will have a long and illustrious future and my true believers will live very long but not so full lives. Yes the Illuminatus Faggotus will be fantastic, but all the lies, deceptions and maintenance to keep it going will be hard work - I would need staff! Any volunteers? Come on you know you want to...
Till next time

Margaret Cho