Thursday, June 17, 2010

Illuminatus Faggotus

I recently watched a documentary about cults which I found fascinating. The phenomena of cults have a long and interesting history – some quite bizarre and other just plain hilarious. The common denominator amongst them is the fact that their leaders profited from them in one way or the other. It must be fun being a leader of such a group where people will believe and do anything you tell them to no matter how wacky it may be. Which led me to think; maybe I should start a cult!
Essential to starting any cult is finding an appropriate name. Something catchy that will deceive people into believing this is the cult for them. It should be something that sounds both ominous and exclusive at the same time. You want people to believe that they are special after all and entice their sense of adventure! I played around with a couple of names: Queers of Zion (too out there), Fabulous Faggots (too gay), Brothers and Sisters of Gaga (too obvious), none seemed quite fitting. None had that rolling off the tongue panache that would draw in my unsuspecting followers. Then after smoking a cigarette and laughing diabolically (as becoming of a potential cult leader) I came up with the perfect name – Illuminatus Faggotus! It is the perfect combination of scary, powerful, dangerous and secretive with just the right pinch of gay that will draw in the queers, have the heterosexuals confused and make all the outsiders jealous.
Now that I have the name of my cult, the next step is to decide what type of cult it should be. I imagined there would be more choices but it came down to a political cult, a religious cult or an economic cult. Firstly, a political cult will not work for me as the type of followers I would want to attract will not care for politics. Secondly, a religious cult will also not work as I am already under the Vatican’s radar and I don’t feel like dishing up a sermon every week or pissing off the Pope any further. So an economic cult will have to do. I will ask every member for all their money and become fabulously rich in the process – perfect!
Wait a minute... Nobody will just willingly give me all their money without there being something in it for them. I need to promise them something, something fantastic. I will promise them eternal life! If they follow me and give me all their cash they will never die. You heard me, they will live forever! I am not crazy (yet) and know I can’t accomplish this, but Ssht! ...don’t tell my potential followers! It’s the perfect scam. You see as they age and/or fall sick or even die those poor folks will be branded as not being loyal enough to the cult, not devoted enough and didn’t give enough money and this is why they didn’t make it. Clever, don’t you think? You may ask yourself what I will say if I get sick, simple – exactly the same thing blaming them and asking for more money. Those who don’t comply with the one fundamental rule of funding my elaborate cult and lavish lifestyle will age horribly! The secrets and special energy, personal "fountain of youth", I possess will not be bestowed on them. To further enforce compliance all members who transgress any other rules will be forced to do voluntary work at retirement homes’ frail care facilities.
No cult is complete without some sort of cohesive bond or branding to create that all important sense of belonging. All Illuminatus Faggotus members will be expected to go blond, go to gym twice a day, follow a special healthy diet and look fabulous all the time. All members will be expected to have a bad attitude and portray an image of being better than anyone else. Contacts with non members will be kept to the absolute minimum to further emphasize exclusivity and the only contact will be for recruitment or punishment purposes. Seeing as I have all their money I will provide them with one fabulous outfit each (preferably knock off Armani), member’s will have to build their own gyms from scrap yard material and grow their own food. Their shared suffering will facilitate the creation of a strong bond and a loyal following.
The official language of the cult shall be gay slang and a thick gay accent will be mandatory and limp wrists will be an added advantage. Speech therapy will be provided to those members’ who struggle to manage the gay lisp. Weight gain will be strictly monitored and all overweight members will be chastised and be forced to watch “The Biggest Looser” nonstop until they lose weight or slip into a coma. Members will be made to believe that all non-members are evil and are dying slowly every day and any contact with non-believers will age them prematurely and ultimately cause their deaths. The most important rule, apart from sacrificing all their hard earned cash, will be to never admit to being part of a cult. Nooo... it’s not a cult it’s a “society” or a “lifestyle” insistently adding “I have never looked or felt better in my life, you must really consider joining”.

My cult will have a long and illustrious future and my true believers will live very long but not so full lives. Yes the Illuminatus Faggotus will be fantastic, but all the lies, deceptions and maintenance to keep it going will be hard work - I would need staff! Any volunteers? Come on you know you want to...
Till next time

Margaret Cho


workinghard said...

You have a great sense of humor. You are joking :) I hope well if your cult becomes successful remember that I wrote this post so when your followers come to my city, I will be spared.

Pierre said...

workinghard, LOL! No one will be spared, or at least no one's bank accounts


We need to militirize our cult, Make me the "Minister of Cutting A Bitch." I'll issue sharp uniforms (variation of the Swiss Guard uniform two sizes too small, pearl), mandatory "drills," the communal showers will have Astroglide and Smirnoff dispensers, our marching cadence will be 80's German trance muzic, spit shine services just won't be just for shoes, and in time, I'll topple your ass in a power grab.

Anonymous said...

I used to be obsessed with cults. I also liked watching documentaries on serial killers. The two often overlapped. I have since forgotten most of what I learned through A&E and the History Channel.

You start off with a nice pyramid scam and strict rules regarding the conduct of members. Wednesday every one wears pink or black. Black is always permitted (after all it goes with everything and looks nice when being removed pre-coital).
Cheerfully Going to Hell,

Pierre said...

ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND, sounds good - you're hired apart from the "and in time, I'll topple your ass in a power grab" that will have you send to the "retirement homes’ frail care facilities" as I will not tolerate any ass toppling if it undermines my supreme power, hahaha... but ass grabbing is perfectly acceptable!

Pierre said...

Anonymous, hmmm... you sound like a potential recruit if it wasn't for the "hell" part.

Clueless said...

Hmmmm...what about women just for procreation? I want to join, but according to my therapist, "I need to get in touch with my inner gay man." (yes, he really said this jokingly...he is gay and I seem to have many traits) Anyway, can I be of any use as a straight woman?

As a Christian, I should have been offended, but unfortunately there was way too much truth in her comedy. I love it when she said that Jesus will come back and say, "that is not what I meant." I was laughing out loud and so much that my stomach hurt.

I love your sense of humor and writing style.

Pierre said...

Clueless, I like your therapist and my "cult" definitely will bring our your "inner gay man". We always have room for more straight woman, we love you guys after all!

We can always count on Margaret Cho to be spot on with her comedy.

I am pleased you liked it and wasn't offended

Anonymous said...

i love your sense of humor! :-)

Pierre said...

cofiboi, thanks, I'm glad you liked the article - wanna join???

Anonymous said...

this is brilliant

seeing as I am lining up a fight the real rulers can't even comprehend, i needed a laugh

ever wonder why the opposition never has a counter convention at the G-Wiz conference?

lack of self-concept, agenda, and ingenuity

Pierre said...

Anti Vigilante, LOL!

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