Abnormal Load

A conversation with a friend regarding how often in our lives we are confronted with everyday objects that has some kind of sexual and/or erotic overtone had me looking at my environment with greater attentiveness. I was amazed to find how many phallic and/or priapic symbols we are surrounded with, from fruit, trees, plants and appliances to the ultimate of phallic objects – the modest Tow Bar.
For quite some time I have thought the tow bar resembled the male organ in its erect form. On closer inspection the comparison is undeniable. When I first become aware of this, every time I saw one I would utter a disguised giggle! One day in peak traffic my husband asked me why I was giggling. On explanation, he frowned, turned to me and said “You’re just weird”. However, it did prick his interest and soon I caught him looking at tow bars in a similar fashion. A couple of weeks later, upon seeing a particularly over sized one he agreed by saying “Ah, now I see where you are coming from” followed by a flustered and embarrassed chuckle.

Many car owners buy their vehicles without a tow bars and they have to pick one themselves. On doing some research on the Internet on this piece of innocuous equipment I soon learned that there are quite a variety to choose from; all serving a particular purpose and your choice should be based on what you intend to tow and the type of car you own. Once you have determined the purpose, you are then faced with a choice of a multitude of different shapes and sizes.
Being a man, or rather a gay man, how do you think my choice will be influenced? Will I go for bigger is better? Will I base my choice or the girth, length, shape or curve? Subconsciously, I must admit, that I would make my decision based on my perceived perfect shaped phallus. I can just imagine standing in a motor shop staring at a display wall of tow bars, rubbing my chin deep in thought trying to pick out the perfect one. All the while the sales person not understanding why this is such a complex decision and god forbid me actually handling one while vocalizing sounds like “Hmmm… ahhhh….” Or asking my husband “Honey, what do you think? Is this one too big… is that one too small…”

When straight men choose tow bars I can’t help but wonder how their decision process works. When faced with a tapestry of choices has it ever crossed their mind that they are actually choosing a penis like accessory that they are going to attach to the derriere of their cars? Do they subconsciously realize that their choice may reflect their view of their own masculinity? When it comes to straight males I have observed penis envy on the road many times. I have also observed the more over sized the tow bar the more timid the man. So when it comes to choosing a tow bar, by straight guys, my question is: Do they opt for a fantastic improvement, a true reflection or a more practical version of their own manhood? AND if they know what I know would it influence their choice?

When speaking to a friend, this morning, she was quite enthralled and embarrassed when I raised this issue, so much so that she said she would have to call me back. I am still waiting… Which brings me to my next point – how do women pick their tow bars? Would it be a choice made purely based on practicality or would the subliminal sexual reference of the object in anyway play a role? With tow bars on female’s cars I’ve noticed that lesbians tend to be more practical, opting for the more stubby sturdy ones and straight women being very much indistinguishable from their male counterparts. The latter being the fact that, I believe, their husbands or boyfriends made the decision for them – imposing their masculinity onto their wives or girlfriends. So it would be quite a treat to watch a straight couple go “tow bar shopping” and observing their method of negotiating a compromise and seeing their final choice – the phallus they both agree on!
In South Africa with its citizen loving their sport they have taken their devotion of a famous team one step too far. The Blue Bulls (a renowned rugby team) has gained another symbol fans can use to identify themselves with. Apart from the T-shirts, flags, caps, and stickers they have now also attained the famous “blue bull testicles” that you can attach to their tow bar. So if there were any doubt that the tow bar is a phallic symbol, the attachment of bull testicles to it has now banished any reservation. Personally I think it’s tacky, the tow bar is penis like already and attaching balls to it is just too much – even for a gay man! It’s way too camp and vulgar!

My car does not have a tow bar at present as I have no need for one – I do not plan on towing any abnormal loads any time soon. I also do not plan to attach blue bull testicles to my car as I prefer my car remaining androgynous and I have no desire to butch or femme up my car. I know I may have ruined tow bars for some forever, and for that I do apologize, it is but just one subtle erotic symbol that we live with and I am sure if you take a closer look around you many more will emerge.

Till next time.

Gay Comedian Jonny McGovern's 3 Dollar Bill- Good Cop/Gay Cop