Thursday, February 20, 2014

Why I hate my Smartphone

Those of you who know me well would know that my smartphone and I are inseparable.  We have a completely unhealthy and symbiotic relationship.  Like most people I also spend more quality time with my phone than I do with my loved ones.  Sometimes this quality time is spent in the most cumbersome of places.  When I am bored my phone is always there.  When I am in an awkward social situation that I want to dissociate from I have my phone to use as a social barrier or to utilize as a form of escape.  When I am waiting for a meeting or standing in a queue I have my phone to occupy me.  But lately I have come to realize that I have started to resent my smartphone.  Actually, I have come to realize that I maybe not only resent my phone but that I possibly also hate it and this is why…

Siri is a bitch.  She seriously is.  Whenever I ask her to call my husband she wants to phone some guy on my contact list that I don’t even know.  She clearly is either confused or homophobic.  You see, a couple of months back I tried to “come out” to her.  You know, because she lives in my phone and my phone and I are always together and I thought she needed to know.  Let’s just say it did not go well.  She refused to acknowledge that I was gay and towards the end of our very unproductive conversation she hinted that I was being vulgar.  Ok, so I did call her some nasty names but she provoked me.

Siri also sometimes pretends not to understand what I am saying even when I speak American to her.  Other times she is vague with her answers and answers questions with questions which I hate.  She also refuses to tell me what she is wearing or what she was doing before I spoke to her.  In short, Siri is super judgmental and not helpful at all.  But if Siri doesn’t frustrate me enough then there is also the addiction side of smartphones – the games from hell!

My phone made me a Flappy Bird addict.  Now this is not something that I am proud of and all you parents out there should really talk to your kids about the dangers of Flappy Bird.  If you have never heard of it, God bless you and the rock you live under.  Flappy Bird is a super frustrating game and it will ruin your life.  I started playing it a few weeks ago and I suspect this is the reason I started biting my nails again.  Currently my fake high score is 99 (long story) but my real high score is actually only 27.  It’s been 27 since last week and I just cannot seem to beat it.

I have also since developed a phobia of green pipes and yellow birds.  I know I should really delete this fucked up game from my phone but I just cannot bring myself to do it.  Flappy Bird has found my weaknesses and is exploiting all of them.  It’s no joke you guys.  I fear this game might be the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse and y’all should be running for the hills screaming.  You should be running with axes, guns and preferably with Daryl from The Walking Dead and then remember that you were warned.

My phone has also invaded my toilet time.  I know most of you also take your phones to the toilet and it is disgusting and we should all collectively be ashamed of ourselves.  But in my defense, I get bored when taking a dump.  I mean really, am I just supposed to sit there while I squeeze out a chocolate brownie and stare at the floor, tiles and the door.  That is like totally unproductive and I could be doing something far more useful during this time because bodily functions really should not make you lazy.

I could be reading and answering my emails, answering whatsapp or wechat messages, updating my Facebook Fan pages, reading some articles or playing Flappy Bird.  Coincidentally, my Flappy Bird technique is better when I am making a number two.  Also, most of my fan emails I get from my blog are answered while I am on the toilet (I know this is an upsetting image that you now have in your heads and you are welcome).  The only thing I would not do on my phone while in the bathroom is answering or making calls and I definitely will also not do facetime.  That would just be rude.

Lately I also found that sometimes I fight with my phone and most mornings I end up negotiating with it and then end up late for work.  I sleep, like most people do, with my phone next to my side of the bed.  This is the most practical spot for it because this is where my phone’s electrical umbilical cord is.  Also, it is at arm’s length for easy snoozing of its alarm clock.

My phone’s alarm clock is an asshole and hates me.  The asshole sometimes tricks me in switching off my alarm instead of snoozing it.  This has caused me to wake up late, be in full panic mode, ruins my entire morning and my hair.  I then also end up late for work by an hour on average looking all flustered.  I swear the fucker does this on purpose!

I have also learned that screaming at your phone does not help.  If it forgets to remind you about a meeting, make you miss an appointment or if its battery decides to die unexpectedly during an important phone call about Flappy Bird, your phone does not give a shit.  You only end up looking like a crazy person; a crazy person screaming at a phone who requires specialized psychopharmacological help.  But I don’t only hate my own smartphone, I hate my husband’s as well.

Just call me an equal opportunity phone hater.  You see, both my husband and I are avid pinners on Pinterest and we are also active on Instagram.  However, one of us is more obsessed with this than the other.  And no, this time it isn’t me.  Whenever my husband has a chance he is on one of these two apps and it fucking drives me bat shit crazy.  He is on it when we watch television, when we are next to the pool and the only time he isn’t busy with these apps is when we are having sex.  I suspect he knows that would just be awkward and that it will cause World War III in our house.

In recent times this has gotten better, after several altercations, and we have decided to be more present when we are together.  I suspect smartphones may have been the root cause of many a broken marriage and I will not allow that to happen with us.  Because fuck you home wrecking smartphones!

Even though I do resent my smartphone for invading my life and personal space as it has, it is after all a necessary evil.  Without my phone I would be lost.  I mean if I have weird symptoms my phone and Google are always there to tell me that I am dying from some exotic disease.  My phone tells me when to be where and what time I need to do stuff.  Some nights my phone even hushes me to sleep with soothing ocean sounds.  But I do hate the fact that smartphones have become so intertwined in our daily existence and that they are so dreadfully difficult to escape from.

I have now decided that I will spend a couple of ours everyday smartphone free, only using it for what it was originally intended – for phone calls.  But for now I have to try and beat my Flappy Bird high score or else the world will spin off its axes and we will all die.  I am doing the world a favor really.  You should thank me.


Till next time.

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