Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Being Face Raped by Nature

I don’t always complain.  Well, actually that it not entirely true.  I complain all the time, mostly to my cats because my husband has selective hearing when it comes to things like that.  This is also why I am not completely convinced that he will survive the Zombie Apocalypse without my help.  It is important to note that when I do complain it is not always about random or minor stuff.  The things I complain about are important.  Well, at least they are important in my mind anyway.  Seeing as spring has just arrived in the Southern Hemisphere and I always bitch about it on my blog (you know because spring almost kills me every year) I decided that this year will be different.   Why you might ask.  The answer is simple, I decided to try and ignore it.  But as luck would have it, just because I am ignoring spring doesn’t mean it will ignore me.  Denial is an ineffective son-of-a-gun that way (see how I didn’t use a curse word right here.  I am so making progress on my potty mouth).

This year I think I may have discovered the allergy medication combo that works for me.  I mean really, it only took me about eight years to get it right and I should totally be getting a prize or something for this achievement.  I am also happy to report that I have not contracted my annual pink eye at the start of spring this year and even though I do sound like I have the flu, most of the time, I am not rupturing internal organs due to hay fever induced sneezing.  However, just because my allergies have calmed down this year with the aid of charmed pharmaceuticals, air purifiers and the avoidance of all things pollen related, doesn’t mean that spring has’t tried to kill me twice this season already.  It seems that if Mother Nature can’t torment me with pollen, seeds, grass and dust she will find new innovative ways to try and get to me.  The first attempt she made was with our pool.

Seeing as we may be “with child” soon hubby and I started taking measures to ensure that our house and garden aren’t deathtraps for children.  This is not something that bothered us before but when you have, or are about to have, children you understand that maybe other people weren’t so crazy after all.  The first thing we have done is to cover our pool with a net.  There are way too many children that accidentally drown in pools and all households with small children should have their pools covered.  It took me four hours one Saturday afternoon to put that Chinese puzzle from Hell over the pool.  Four hours without the help of anybody!  I have never cursed that much in my entire life but after it was done I felt pretty butch and damn proud of myself for accomplishing what I thought was the impossible.  However the next day it felt like I was ran over by a train and then trampled by psychotic donkeys, but at least our pool was secured.

However, having a net over your pool does have some rather obvious disadvantages.  Firstly, if you are not careful you can trip and fall and almost land on a bunny (I am still not forgiven for that just so that you know) and secondly, cleaning the pool becomes a bitch to deal with.  With the start of spring one of our evergreen hedges started the shed its winter leaves and all of it ended up in the pool.  Not being able to skim them off the water, due to the net, most of them ended up in our pool gobbler and weir.  Also getting to the pool gobbler and weir was now also difficult seeing as the pool net restricted access to both.  I guess you can see where I am doing with this.

So one afternoon I get home from work and as I walk past the pool I noticed that it sounded like the swimming pool pump was struggling.  I switched it off and then checked out the pool gobbler and weir.  Both were filled to the brim with leaves and needed to be cleaned.  However getting to them and taking them out was a problem as the net was cock blocking me.  To make a long story short, I ended up “accidentally” breaking the weir cover and some pool gobbler connector thingy (I don’t know it’s called) which I replaced the next day.  But not being very mechanically orientated I could not reattach the pool gobbler correctly.  Frustrated and feeling like a monkey trying to solve a puzzle for a treat hubby eventually found me sitting next to the pool gobbler looking completely defeated and poking it with a stick.  Apparently, and I take his word for it, I forgot to attach something called a washer (which looks like a cock ring, just smaller) to the system and that’s why it didn’t work.  After pointing and laughing at me he fixed it and all was back to normal on the pool front.  But then blow number two came.

Last week was hubby’s birthday, and as is tradition, I always send him flowers to his office.  Flowers I like to call hypoallergenic flowers.  You know the kind that doesn’t try to face rape you with pollen.  Pollen is nothing other than plant sperm and I do not like being sexually violated by nature.  It just wrong people and there should be laws against it!  As fate would have it, I was not the only one who sent hubby flowers that day.  Our hairstylists also sent hubby a spring bouquet the extravagance of which outshone my flowers much like a Dita Von Teese burlesque show outshines Candy the stripper from Teasers.  Unfortunately, our hairstylist temporarily forgot that pollen equals a slow snot filled eye infected death for me.  And their bouquet screamed pollen!

At first it wasn’t a real problem but as some of the flowers started to open and ejaculate their pollen into the air I felt like I was in Syria and the victim of a chemical weapons attack disguised as spring flowers.  It became so bad that when I parked my car and started walking towards the house I would smell something that smelled like incense, wondering when the hell be burned some.  It was only yesterday that I realized I actually smelled the flowers and not incense.  So this morning, after a somewhat rough couple of days, I asked hubby to banish the pollen face raping flowers to his reception area of his studio.  I still have to walk past them every day but at least it is not ejaculating all over the house anymore.  Flowers can be such sexually inconsiderate assholes!

So even though my allergies are sort of under control this season and having survived two attempts to steal my spring joy I have managed to prevail.  I am looking forward to summer and some lazy days lounging next to the pool with cocktails.  Luckily the worst of spring in our garden is almost over and I just have to make it through three more weeks of pollen.  That being said, winter also wasn’t too kind to me this year and I managed to gain 5kg’s.  During winter I can cover up my flab but with summer board shorts only covers so much.  So perhaps instead of bitching about spring and the torturous process that is adoption, I should focus on shedding that extra winter weight.  I don’t want to look like an albino whale lying next to the pool, now do I?

Till next time.


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