Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I Have Fallen and I Can’t Get Up


I am not sure what the planets are doing but Uranus must be in retrograde and Saturn is probably on her period.  The last two weeks I have been plagued with bad luck and like they say - bad things always happen in threes.  Well, if that is indeed the case then I should be happy right?  Three bad things have already happened to me, and if that is not enough I possibly will be getting some more bad news in the mail within the next week or so.  It’s always good to have a backup, because that’s how I roll.  So it goes without saying that I am rather depressed at the moment.  You know, in the glass is half empty kind of way.  But before I cause your serotonin and dopamine levels to plummet into the abyss of depression as well, let me tell you what has happened.  After all, if we can’t laugh at the misfortune of others what sort of bitches are we anyway?

It all started two weeks ago in a certain shopping centre’s parking lot which I now call the Parking Lot of Doom.  At the best of times I avoid going there because their parking is a nightmare and their parking spaces are smaller than what they should be. I have measured them! Literally!  I have also scratched my car on their pavement once before and since then I have had a mental block about that place.  So when I decided to stop there after work I was very cautious but when I finally found a parking spot right in front of the shop I wanted to go to, I couldn’t be believe my luck.  I am lazy as shit like that, I hate walking and small things like that makes me happy.  However it wasn’t my lucky day and what was already a bad day was about to get even worse.

As I was turning into the already small parking space which was made even smaller by another asshole with a 4x4 who parked like an idiot I had a boo boo : as I was pulling in trying to squeeze my car into the space I accidentally scratched the car next to me.  The sound of two cars scraping against each other is the most horrible sound one can ever hear.  But seeing as it happened and I was responsible I got out of my car to inspect the damage.

Luckily the damage wasn’t that bad and the other car also just had a few scratches.  As I was waiting for the other car’s driver to return so that we can exchange insurance details my little accident started drawing a swarm of people.  One would have sworn I drove over someone’s puppy as the people came to inspect the damage, whisper among themselves and judge my parking skills.  When the lady eventually returned we had a cordial exchange and told each other how we wished we could have met under better circumstance and went our separate ways.

I have not been back to that shopping centre and their parking lot of doom since.  My car will go in to have the scratches fixed next week and in the mean time I am pretending that it never happened.  Bad luck number two is Facebook related.  I think social media sometimes brings out the worst in people.  I have seen firsthand how people will do and say things on social media that they would never dare do or say in real life.  Since I have been on Facebook I have made some enemies, from homophobic freaks, religious assholes to even some gay people.  Normally it doesn’t really bother me much and I mostly ignore them.  Mostly.  But every so often one of these idiots will do something that annoys the shit out of me and exactly this happened last week.

My Facebook Fan page for my blog has grown steadily and presently it has just over 10 000 likes.  But like I mentioned there are quite a few people who hates me and hates my blog.  Seeing as they cannot destroy my blog and/or kill me they go for option number two – maliciously reporting me to Facebook.  Last week some asshole reported a photo I posted on my Fan Page of a naked man which you could only see from the waist up as offensive.  Then some pimpled face Facebook employee who probably is a Mormon then also felt deeply offended by the fine specimen of the male species and then imposed a 30 day block on my profile.

So for the next 30 days I can only access Facebook but I am not allowed to post.   My Facebook Pages are still being updated, albeit not by me.  I was once also confused by Facebook for being a pornographer because I posted I picture of nuns painting a naked man of which you could only see his ass.  But for that I only received a warning.  This time I am in Facebook jail for a month.  Which led me to ask, is my Facebook Page making you horny?  You don't have to answer me right now, but I invite you to think about.

The third stroke of bad luck happened to me on Monday.  I was sitting in front of my computer working and then decided to get up.  It felt like my foot was asleep, as it often happens because I sit with my legs crossed most of the time.  As I got up I had the strangest sensation in my left leg.  It felt like it wasn’t there and it wasn’t just my foot that was sleeping it was my whole fucking leg.

Being up and desperately trying to steady myself it felt like I was going to bend my leg the wrong way.  You know so that it looks like a dinosaur's hind legs.  Not only would it be painful if I did do that it would have looked creepy as fuck as well. I had no control over my leg and after struggling to stay upright I then fell to the ground like a chopped down tree twisting my ankle and my foot into a very unnatural position.  As I was going down it felt like everything was happening in slow motion and as the ground came closer and closer I was waiting for the sound of something snapping, tearing or popping.

Lying on the ground and not being able to get up our maid came storming towards me.  She had a horrified look on her face and without saying a word she stated pulling on my toes.  Confused, embarrased and in pain I remember wondering what sort of fucked up first aid was she taught.  I mean honestly I possibly broke my ankle and/or foot and she is pulling on my toes.  What. The. Fuck.

After several minutes on the floor I finally regained sensation in my leg and was able to get up.  But as the sensation came back to my leg so did the pain.  The pain level went from a 4 out of 10 to about a 9! That evening my foot and ankle were throbbing and we had no real pain medication in the house.  So I suffered through the night and I hardly slept a wink.  At one point at around 2:30am I wondered how much worse this would have turned out if I had been 70 and fell down the way I did.  I probably would have broken my hip and the thought of this made me really scared of growing old.  For the first time I knew how it felt to have fallen and not being able to get up.  Old people, I respect you so much more now, I really do.

The next day I got some medication from the pharmacy and an ankle guard and I am walking with a limp.  If my ankle and foot do not get significantly better in next couple of days then I will have to go for x-rays at the hospital.  And you all know how a love hospitals.  Three bad things have happened and let’s hope my bad luck is now over.  I am still expecting a speeding fine in the mail but hopefully it never arrives.  In the mean time I am keeping a super low profile, hiding under my blanket of self-pity and resisting overdosing on chocolate.  I am also making sure that my Feng Shui is all balanced.  I mean 3000 years of Chinese art and science should prevent me from experiencing any further bad luck, wouldn’t it?

Till next time.

1 comment:

Pierre le Roux said...

I am not sure what the planets are doing but Uranus must be in retrograde and Saturn is probably on her period. The last two weeks I have been plagued with bad luck and like they say - bad things always happen in threes. Well, if that is indeed the case then I should be happy right? Three bad things have already happened to me, and if that is not enough I possibly will be getting some more bad news in the mail within the next week or so. It’s always good to have a backup, because that’s how I roll. So it goes without saying that I am rather depressed at the moment. You know, in the glass is half empty kind of way. But before I cause your serotonin and dopamine levels to plummet into the abyss of depression as well, let me tell you what has happened. After all, if we can’t laugh at the misfortune of others what sort of bitches are we anyway?

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