Tuesday, September 4, 2012

My Bucket List

In less than 25 days hubby and I will be leaving on a jet plane for New York City.  I am so excited I can barely contain myself.  NYC is one of the places on my bucket list that I want to see and experience before I die.  Taking into consideration that we will only be in NYC for one week and with a gazillion things that we want to do, I suspect there will be a lot of caffeine consumed during that time and very little to no sleep to be had.  I have downloaded several apps on my iPad especially for this trip ranging from where to eat to an app that helps you navigate the subway and other public transportation systems.  I am not going to get lost in NYC and waste valuable time in a confused panic.  This bitch is prepared for everything and I plan on squeezing every last drop of fun out of this experience even if it theoretically kills me.
Like most folks I know, I also have a bucket list and luckily for me there remain a lot of things on that list that I want to do.  I guess it is like my secret insurance policy that I have that keeps me from dying young.  As long as the list exists, the longer I have to remain on this earth burdening you all with my mind meanderings.  I have done many things on my bucket list thus far, some out of choice and others not so much.  I have been to Egypt, Madagascar, Kenya and Luxembourg.  I have ridden Arabian horses next to the pyramids, dived with wild sea turtles, met Nelson Mandela, been on the news and even jumped out of an airplane in the dead of night screaming like a ten year old girl while I received training at the Army. Yes, contrary to popular believe I am butch like that.

Some things I have done that were on my bucket list, I can’t divulge on my blog seeing as family members and certain colleagues read it therefore it shall remain a secret.  However, I can admit that I have also had sex on the beach once locally and twice internationally.  I have been mauled by a tiger, I have played with lion cups, even handled an adult female leopard, fed giraffes and played with baby elephants.  Most things that I have achieved on my bucket list brings a smile to my face, but then there are some things on my bucket list that I did not volunteer for and that I do not recall putting on it.
Life is always full of surprises and in my case life sometimes have a warped sense of humor, like that one time that I accidentally got high on liquid E.  You see, hubby and I got invited to go and watch a drag show in Johannesburg.  We were still in our twenties and it was a week night, but being young and irresponsible we went.  Halfway through the show somebody bought us shooters and without thinking twice we downed it.  It wasn’t long before I noticed a very weird sensation pulsating through my body.  It felt like my nerve endings were tingling and I was getting Goosebumps.

After the show ended we decided to stay and dance and for some queer reason I felt like I loved the whole world and the whole world loved me.  I was euphoric and in a hugging mood.  We were having a gay old time until 2am the next morning.  We were higher than Charlie Sheen in a Vegas hotel room and we didn’t even know it.  Not even my quavering jaw or the grinding of my teeth alerted me that something was wrong.  I was blissfully unaware that I was in fact tripping on E.  It wasn’t until the drive home that hubby and I realized something was amiss.  Arriving home at 3am and having to get up for work at 6am, still tripping our faces off wasn’t any fun.  Needless to say we have never since accepted shooters from anyone at a bar, nightclub or restaurant ever again.
And then there was that time that I got crabs.  It was before I met my husband and I was going through what you can call a “promiscuous phase”.  I had just broken off a two year relationship and was making up for lost time.  I vividly remember the evening I discovered that I had crabs.  I was sitting on my bed and I was itching in the crotch area.  I didn’t think much of it until I scratch and then felt something that shouldn’t be there.  I took off my pants, picked this little thing up between my fingers and on closer inspection I saw it had feet and it was alive.  Horrified, I searched my private area and discovered more.  I was utterly shocked and distraught!  “WHAT THE FUCK?!” I remember screaming.  “There are things living on my balls!!!”  Not knowing what to do, I phoned my friend.  Crying I tried to explain to him the calamity I found in my pants “I think I might have crabs” to which he responded “You either have crabs or you don’t, there’s nothing like I might have, check your balls again!”  So I did.

I had crabs and I needed to go to the doctor.  Being 20, young and naïve I didn’t know that any old lice shampoo could sort me out so I had to embarrass myself even further.  Sitting in the doctor’s office the next day, terribly ashamed of myself, I told him what I had.  He wanted to examine the “affected area” but I rudely refused.  Then he gave me a speech about STD’s and safe sex and then promptly had me tested for every STD known to mankind.  It was a horrifying 5 day wait, but eventually I got called back to his office and told that I had no STD’s but that he hoped that I have learned my lesson.  Since then every time my crotch area itches it reminds me that I once had a hundred unwelcome house guests attached to my balls and that I never wanted them to visit me ever again.
Not all things I have on my bucket list are always necessarily fun.  Sometimes you have to experience certain unpleasant things and that is called the Bucket List Life has for you.  Still on my personal bucket list is that I want to tour France, visit a non homophobic Russia, swim with wild dolphins, have my travel ban to Uganda uplifted, win the lottery and many more.  But for now we are going to NYC, the city that never sleeps and I plan on painting the town pink.  One week of unadulterated tourist fun is in my immediate future and I am ecstatic.  I am sure when we are back that jetlag is going to be a bitch, but I don’t care – at least we have seen the Big Apple. NYC checked!

Till next time.

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