Thursday, March 22, 2012

What Straight Folks Should Know

Believe it or not, but I deal with a lot of heterosexual people on a daily basis.  Call it an occupational hazard if you will.  You see, I am not lucky enough to work in a queer dominated environment and some days are harder than others for this lone homosexual.  But I somehow always seem to make it through the day, most times, only partially unscathed.  So in an effort to make our coexistence with our straight folk more amiable, this Feigele decided to come up with a few handy hints for heterosexuals when meeting and/or interacting with queer folk.
The average heterosexual who has never interacted with or met a homosexual could display behavior very similar to that of a cat when introduced to another feline for the very first time.  The heterosexual could feel anxious, threatened and could even display territorial behavior.  This is normal.  When faced with this situation it is important to fight the urge to run screaming from the room.  This is rude and will only agitate the homosexual.  It’s better to rather just back away facing the homosexual and to do so slowly and with discretion.

Not all heterosexuals feel the urge to flee at the sight of homosexuals as some find us quite intriguing.  Unfortunately these are also usually the same individuals who are inherently narcissistic.  These are the type of people who believe that everything with a pulse is sexually attracted to them.  When it comes to homosexuals do not assume that all homosexuals are attracted to you or want to get into your pants.

The typical homosexual has very specific and high standards and chances are good that you don’t meet or even come close to them.  On the flip side, also do not assume that the homosexual is not attracted to you.  Sure this sounds confusing, and it really is, but homosexuals are notoriously fickle and changing our minds on a whim is our thing.  Besides if the homosexual is horny standards tend to go by the waste side anyway.  So to be on the safe side all heterosexuals should always carry with them some KY and condoms.
One of the most common mistakes the average heterosexual make is to assume that the homosexual is as excited about meeting a “heterosexual” as you are to meet an actual gay person.  We are not!  Most of us were raised by heterosexuals and are /or have been in psychotherapy as a result of this.  Besides before artificial insemination where the hell do you think we came from?  The planet Homo?

When meeting your very first homosexual try to contain your excitement, speak softly and in a low voice and if at all possible try and make as little direct eye contact as possible.  Physical contact and sudden movements should also be avoided and as soon as the homosexual looks bored it is your signal to leave.  When departing it is again important that you slowly and discreetly back away facing the homosexual and also make sure that all reflective surfaces and shiny jewelry on your person is concealed.

One thing guaranteed to annoy the homosexual is when a heterosexual, upon meeting the homosexual, immediately start talking about their boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife as to make it clear that they are straight.  If you feel so strongly about your heterosexuality and that the world should know that you are straight why don’t you just carry a sign around your neck?

In such situations don’t be shocked if the homosexual start making a high pitched yodeling sound.  This is the homosexual’s gaydar being activated to verify your heterosexuality.  Homosexuals are trying to phase out brokeback marriages and any straight person so adamant about flaunting their sexual orientation will draw suspicion and warrant closer inspection.  This could see your name ending up on our recruitment list.  Good for us, not so good for you.
The average heterosexual when meeting a gay person for the first time understandably may have many questions.  But before you ask any question first ask yourself this “Would it not be better to rather Google it?”  After all you would not want to embarrass yourself by asking stupid questions like “How did you get gay?  So who’s the man and who’s the woman?  When did you choose to be gay?

You will immediately know when you have asked a stupid question because the homosexual will roll his eyes, lift up his hand, swing in with a head bob and berate you for half an hour.  It will feel a bit like you are being psychologically mauled by a wild animal and being told off by an intelligent crack whore.  Either way, it won’t be fun, you will be guaranteed not to make the same mistake twice and in some instance you may also require a tetanus shot or two.

Another common assumption the average heterosexual make is that all homosexuals are dying to talk about being gay.  It’s not like all queers have received formal Public Relations training from Queer HQ and it is their jobs to promote our fabulous lifestyle.  That’s why we have television, the internet and propaganda.

But also don’t assume or expect the homosexual not to talk about being gay.  You may have just run into one of the queers that have received PR training from Queer HQ.  In such an instance your attempts to change the topic of conversation will be interpreted as a sign of hostility and as a result you will be placed onto our Watch List.  And believe you me, you do NOT want to be on our Watch List!
The last tip for the average heterosexual when meeting a homosexual for the first time is to not trivialize our experience by assuming it is just about sex.  We are gay 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year and we take our homosexuality very seriously.  If you trivialize our experience we will make you feel like you are hung like a Tic Tac and will in all probability end up calling you a Breeder or worse.  If the homosexual in that situation also has not had sex in while you could possibly be on the receiving end of physical violence or at the very least – a bitch slap!

If you are straight and read this whole article up to here, you have taken your first step to becoming a better heterosexual.  You should immediately go stand in front of the mirror and say that you are proud of yourself.  Then go out in public and hug the first homosexual you see and give some cash to PFLAG.

It’s not difficult getting along with us queers as long as you stick to these handy hints and guidelines.  If more straight folks do, the world would be a gayer place and who knows, maybe one day when we succeed in our devious plan for world domination we may even re-consider our position on heterosexuals and slavery.  Remember the homosexual may forgive but the homosexual never forgets so it is best not to piss us off.

Till next time.


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