How to deal with Telemarketers

There’s nobody in the world that I hate more than telemarketers (apart from homophobes that is).  Telemarketers are a special breed of persistent fuckers who invade your privacy always trying to sell you shit you don’t really need OR want.  Having had to deal with a telemarketer just yesterday who tried to sell me a second cell phone contract, I can honestly say that at that exact moment I would not have minded if they all caught a hideous disease and died.  But, not being a bad person I believe that not anyone, not even telemarketers (with the exclusion of Robert Mugabe who is a dick), should suffer a protracted painful death from pestilence.  So, instead I thought of sharing with you a few creative ways on how to quickly and easily get rid of that irksome telemarketer.

People always look at you funny if you have two cell phones.  I should know as I carried two cell phones for well over five years.  People automatically assume that you are either busy with some dodgy business dealings or cheating on your husband.  In my case it was neither.  So when a telemarketer tried to sell me a second cell phone contract yesterday I decided to have some fun with it.  “Is the phone I am going to get traceable?” I asked.  “What do you mean with traceable sir?” the telemarketer wanted to know.

“I mean can the coppers find out where I am through my phone?  Can my calls be intercepted and traced?” I answered in an inquisitive but restless voice.  “Uhm… uhm…” the telemarketer pondered.  “You see I frequently make calls from my various methlabs and I also pimp whores with my phones, and when I need to ship my heroin from Afghanistan and Pakistan I need to call Al Qaeda to confirm payments. I CANNOT afford to have a phone or contract that can ruin my businesses!  Do you understand?” I zealously explained.  An uncomfortable silence followed and the telemarketer hung up without saying a word.

We are far too nice to telemarketers in my opinion.  I don’t know why we just don’t hang up straight away after a telemarketer identifies himself.  Why do we always think that we owe it to a complete stranger on the other end to hear them out or be polite to a person that clearly is invading our privacy?  Why do we need to explain ourselves or explain to a complete stranger why we don’t want to buy the shit they’re selling?  We do this because unlike telemarketers we are not robotic leaches who are thick skinned and work off a set script designed to break people down and mind fuck them into submission.  But don’t fret, I am here to help.

I have thought about some anti-telemarketer techniques long and hard over the last few years and thought it’s time to share some of my tried and tested methods with you here today.  One of my favorites is the “I place your ass on hold forever” trick.  Look they phoned you, not the other way around.  The next time a telemarketer phones you politely ask them to hold the line, place them on hold without hanging up and go about your business.  If you get bored, pick up the phone again and say “Sorry about that.  Oh darnit, please hold again” and repeat until they hang up.

Another technique I love using is the “I am super paranoid and probably a serial killer” trick.  This usually throws the telemarketer off their game.  It is really simple and consists out of asking the telemarketer a series of question.  You simply need to ask the telemarketer where he got your number, how he knows your name, whether he told anyone he was phoning you, if he’s going to tell anyone that he spoke to you, what he looks like, how he’s build, how much he weighs, where his office is, what car he drives, where he lives, whether he lives alone and if he has any pets like big dogs.  Also don’t forget to ask him if he has any fava beans and a nice chianti at his house or if you should bring your own.  It is guaranteed to freak them out every time!

If you are in the mood for a little telemarketing yourself you can always use the “Want to buy my shit?” technique.  It is straightforward.  Counter sell to him and give the telemarketer a bit of his own medicine.  Use the opportunity to promote your company’s products (if you have any), try and get rid of that old treadmill you never use, your neighbors’ dogs, your old S&M swing, your kidney or even try and sell your sperm to him and let him explain why he doesn’t need or want it and then convince him that he’s wrong.  It really is fun and you should try it at least once.

Then there is the “Free psychotherapy” technique.  We all sometimes need to talk to someone about our crap day at work, the last fight you had with your husband or sibling, so why not share it with a complete stranger.  “I am so glad you called.  I have been waiting all day for someone to ask me how I am doing” and then let it rip, off load all your problems and don’t be shy.  I promise you he really wants to know about your premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, incontinence and bowel movement as much as you want to know about whatever he is trying to sell you.

When you are alone, bored and feeling a little frisky you can always try the “Let’s talk dirty” technique.  Telemarketers never know how to handle this and like some men in the sack this will not last longer than approximately three minutes.  You can start off by telling the person on the other end that he has a really sexy voice and then proceed to ask him what he’s wearing.  Heavy breathing is optional and remember even if he doesn’t ask you what you are wearing tell him anyway because deep down you know he really does want to know.

The last but most definitely NOT the least is Cut the Call.  You will know it is a telemarketer that called you within the first couple of seconds.  Hang up immediately.  You don’t owe the fuckers anything and remember what he is doing is probably illegal anyway (at least in South Africa it is).  If you wanted to buy whatever the fuck he’s selling, you would have contacted him!  If he calls back hang up again until he gets the picture.

Sure some of the techniques I explained here may lead to the police contacting you, but what the hell, it is fun and you only live once right?  It is not like you are breaking the law or anything.  But if you really do have a methlab, smuggling Al Qaeda’s heroin, illegally operating a brothel or are a serial killer, do me one big favor – please make sure you delete you browser history after reading this because I do not want any trouble.  I really don’t. OK?

Till next time.