Barbie: Slut or just Misunderstood?

Oh. My. God. Barbie has gone from wholesome busty career chick, to slutty tattooed pseudo stripper who’s totally trying to rock the Japanese Lolita fashion fad. To add insult to injury she also changed her name to Tokidoki. I kid you not! Did Barbie finally accept her once true love Ken was gay? Is Barbie going through yet another midlife crisis? Has Barbie, uhm I mean Tokidoki, watched one too many episode of Jersey Shores? Well, in an effort to figure out what the hell was going on, I sat down with Tokidoki (aka Barbie) to find out if there were more behind those closet doors in her Dream House than her ever-expanding wardrobe.

At the age of 52 I think we can all admit Barbie looks good for her age. Considering that Barbie has had over 120 different careers, thus far, and do not have a single wrinkle or frown-line to prove it is also a feat in itself. As for her personal life, we all know that things have not fared that well. Barbie first met Ken on the set of a television show back in 1961.

Despite being together for 43 years and, up until their very public breakup in 2004 two days shy of Valentine’s Day, Ken never once popped the question. This left Barbie to obsessively buy wedding dresses she would never wear. After the Ken debacle Barbie sought comfort in the arms of an Australian surfer dude called Blaine, but again Barbie never quite made it down the aisle. With Barbie’s newest look, I wanted to know what prompted this radical transformation and whether the men and her past had anything to do with it.

Barbie arrived for our interview one hour and twenty minutes late smelling of cheap whisky and cigarettes. Looking slightly disheveled and still a tad drunk she fell into her chair, whipped away a strand of wayward pink locks from her cheek and said “Let’s get this thing started”. Not being quite sure what I could call her, Barbie or Tokidoki, I asked which she’d prefer to which she responded with a naughty grin “Honey, you can call me anything you like as long as we get this done in under an hour”. And with that the interview started.

Not being used to seeing Barbie all tattooed and whored up I could not help but ask her what was up with this new look. Barbie explained that she was tired of being this goody two shoed pillar of good behavior and being a “role model”. Tired of having to glam things up and exhausted from fashion fads and relationships that went nowhere. So, she decided to stop, have a good long look at her life and take some inspiration from her friends.

Barbie has always admired Angelina Jolie “That bitch have been married twice, have six children and she managed to bag the ultimate Ken in Brad. Brad is straight, wants to marry her and I wanted to be like her! I want to have that bitch’s life” Barbie rather abrasively explained.

“Things have not been easy for me you know” Barbie mumbled. “My life have not been perfect” and with those words I could tell that Barbie was about to open up. Whether it was the whisky or the reminiscence of the cocaine she had snorted an hour before, Barbie was about to spill the whole shebang.

“Forty three years I was together with that man. Forty three fucking years! And not once did he find an opportune time to tell me he was a flaming faggot? No! Like Liza I pretended not to know. I caught him with the pool boy, then the gardener and then with Blaine. Bisexual they said they were. And I believed them! To be honest, I didn’t mind him fucking other guys but the least that bastard could have done is marry me. MARRY ME!!! I wanted a wedding! A bloody Wedding! Was that too much to ask for?!” Barbie sobbed and asked for another whisky, a Marlboro and a tissue.

As Barbie dried her tears smearing her mascara, gulped down her drink and puffed on her cigarette she sighed and said “But this is not about them. This is about me. I made a choice to move on with my life”. Barbie explained that shortly following her last fallout with Blaine having received his and Ken’s wedding invitation, she decided to go lesbian.

“I’ve always surrounded myself with beautiful women and I have always secretly wondered what it would be like, so I tried it and I liked it”. Barbie went on a carpet and dairy dispensing munching diet for 8 straight months. “I scissored, muffed and fingered my way to clarity” Barbie said with glint in her eye that showed no regret.

“I am a strong woman but I can also be hurt. But with all pain comes healing and with healing comes change.” Barbie explained that a mere wardrobe change would not suffice and she wanted a drastic change.  So she went under the needle and got tattooed, dyed her hair pink and sluttified her wardrobe.

“This is how I feel today - liberated, branded and vibrant!” Barbie said with a bit of a tiger’s growl and rejuvenation in her voice. When asked if she had been told about the controversy amongst parents with regards to her new look she responded “Sure they’re pissed off. Sure they don’t like it. But isn’t it time they actually start parenting their own kids? For God sakes, parents these days are so damn lazy! I swear if there were an APP they could download to raise their kids for them they would. It’s not my job to do that, I am not their nanny!” she said as she snuffed out her cigarette.

“Doll, I am late and got to fly. I have a hot date tonight and I might just get lucky!” Barbie said as she ended our brief interview. Curious as I am, I could not let her go without asking “Man or woman?” to which she provocatively bit her pinky and responded “Android!” And with that Barbie blew out of the room as she had entered, and with the smell of whisky and Marlboro’s still hanging thick in the air I was left with as many questions as answers about the enigma that is Barbie. Or should I rather say Tokidoki.

Till next time.