Adam & Steve: The True Story as told by God

We all knew this day would come. The day God would lose his temper due to all the bad public relations nonsense some fundamentalist Christian out there so readily spew. The day God would realize that he is his own best publicist and screw all those pompous freaks sauntering around in clerical gowns with ridiculously queer Biretta or Zucchetto head dresses. Yes, God finally had enough and decided to tell it all in his new book “The Last Testament”. In this, what can only be described as an explosive exposé, God decided to clarify a few thing some campus preachers may find rather shocking. In “The Last Testament” as written by God the true story of Adam and Steve is finally told.

God writes that on the fifth day of the creation he pretty much had the place set up already. He looked around at his creation and saw it was good. But then, in his infinite wisdom, realized it would make for good administrative sense to establish a new middle-managerial position. So as a final act and to fulfill the vacancy he created Adam. God envisaged Adam to be not only the planetary caretaker but also an attractive and likeable spokesperson in the event something goes grievously wrong. With Adam up and about God decided to take the seventh day off, lounge around and let Adam run the show to test his competency in his new post.

Adam passed the test. He had a good rapport with all God’s creatures, a fabulous eye for landscaping and God was pleased. However, Adam was lonely and turned to incessant masturbation to overcome his solitude bespattering the whole of paradise. So one night God slipped Adam a roofie and while he was in a deep slumber he created Steve. Steve was a hunk, not very smart, ripped, cut, hung and the best of all – a power bottom.

When Adam awoke and fist laid his eyes on Steve he wept with joy. They were naked, unashamed and found each other’s loins to be a wonderland to be explored every chance they got. But, the innocence of carnal love was being observed by a rather jealous and closeted malevolent being. The snake watched Adam and Steve and decided to break them up. One day the snake slithered up to Steve, knowing he’s no intellectual Olympian, and told him that the fruit of Tree of Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful would intensify his orgasm, when in fact it would only prolong it with forty-five minutes. Steve believed the lie.

Steve ate the fruit and seduced Adam to do the same and the knowledge that their lifestyle was sinful shamed them but also aroused them. They entwined themselves unceasingly until dawn. Came morning they grew embarrassed and shopped for their fall collection of fig leaves and proceeded to hide from God in the garden. When God arrived he search high and low and finally found them. “Father, there’s something we need to tell thee: we are gay” Adam and Steve hesitatingly confessed. God visibly surprised was taken aback after all how would they know this?

Steve explained “Lord it is true, the snake convinced me to eat the fruit from the forbidden tree and I gave a fruit to Adam too. We now know we are not only here, but queer.” God was enraged with the snake for ruining everything. “I created Steve of the same gender as Adam so they could not breed and would be free to focus on their gardening careers”. But the damage was done. After thoroughly chastising the snake God turned his full attention to Adam and Steve.

“Damn it! I knew I should have made you lesbians! Then you would have tended the garden with more diligence and would have been more outdoorsy in general. But you have been disobedient and for that I must now inflict upon you the harshest punishment possible – Transforming you from carefree young lovers living in the heart of everything, to a married couple with kids stuck in the suburbs.”

With that God changed poor hunky Steve into a woman so that he may bear young. God did however give him the choice of his own female name with one condition– it must rhyme with 'Steve’. The condition being so that in 6000 years from then the righteous can use it to create the most insane slogan of all time “God Created Adam and Eve and NOT Adam and Steve”. Quite ironic don't you think?

Till next time.

This was my interpretation of Chapter 4 and 5, you can Purchase "The Last Testament: A Memoir by God" as written by God and David Javerbaum HERE