Lube Up Homophobe We’re Cumming for You!

American Family Association big shot Bryan Fischer recently labelled gay people as Nazi’s on a radio program in the USA. During his two day rant he spewed his Christian based hate by insisting powerful gay people were out to silence anyone who disagreed with us. He compared our gay rights movement to Hitler’s Nazis and ironically the Roman Catholic Church’s Spanish Inquisition. Well, after seeing Bryan’s very heated tirade, I had a bit of a chuckle as nobody will take a crazy man seriously and surely nobody will believe him either (which is a good thing). After consulting with Queer Head Quarters, which coincidentally is based in Paris this year, it was agreed that I can clarify a few matters that were raised by Bryan Fischer. So here goes, the facts of the gay rights movement especially for you Bryan.

Bryan, you compared the homosexual agenda to Islam stating “there is no room for dissent, there is no room to leave, once you’re in, you can’t leave”. Well, this is 100% correct. We are born gay and once you have your qayness approved by Queer HQ, issued with your membership card, successfully completed the ritual coming out and have been bestowed your commemorative dildo there really is no going back. I don’t know exactly how our procedures compare with that of Islam, but I am sure ours are more colourful and far more delightful. There are a few homosexuals who have fallen victim to the “pray gay away” freaks, but that is usually easily rectifiable with something we call common sense and gay sex. And if all else fails we have also found that electroshock therapy works just as well especially when applied to testicles! Bryan you should really try either gay sex or electrifying your balls sometime, I promise you will enjoy it! We will even through in an honorary strap-on dildo for you (I am guessing you might be partial to a black one).

You also claimed that we are Nazi’s when it comes to freedom of speech and freedom of religion. Well, this is quite a thorny issue for us. You see, we are all for freedom of speech. People can say anything they like about us as long as their facts are correct which we will dictate to them. Admittedly, we do frown upon being spoken off in a disparaged manner and we don’t like being criticized by idiotic religious freaks like yourself. And we will have a go at anyone who does. But we do it in a far more flamboyant manner and with taste and tact which is something you clearly lack. Contrary to what you believe Bryan, we don’t prescribe any religion. The only religion we actively advocate against is the Roman Catholic Church. We do this because we don’t like their outfits – they are dated, the hats are awful, and the Pope looks like a scary old man who could crab you in a darkroom and fist you while insisting you call him daddy. Thinking about it, you give off a similar vibe, should I call you Daddy too?

Bryan you speak of heresy as if that is a bad thing. We fags have been heretics for ages and we have become quite skilled at it. For goodness sake we even have parades celebrating it! So when you imply there is no room for heresy in the gay agenda I find it a tad misguided. So let me clarify it for you. I concede that we have a well engineered tolerance dogma that we insist the world follow, and that includes you too. We want gays in the military, in government and every other sector in society where we queer folk can have a measure of influence. We are, after all, hell bend on world domination! So when non-gay people go off script and stray from our well planned tolerance dogma it threatens our devious plans and those folk need to be dealt with. And that’s where our re-education camps come in.

The gay agenda will not tolerate intolerance! We deal with it decisively yet humanely. Seeing as it’s a criminal offence to exterminate homophobes and to do so in mass is considered a war crime (as we all learned from Hitler’s little blunder), we found a fabulous alternative. We have established secret re-education camps for people like you. These fantastic camps, which are immaculately decorated with gay paraphernalia I’ll have you know, take homophobes and make them more partial to our cause. Some call it brainwashing – we prefer to call it enlightenment. What makes these camps so genius and successful is the fact that they are in plain sight and many non-gay folk visit them regularly without even knowing it. They are at casinos, malls, your favourite family restaurants and some are even mobile and can be set up right in your living room. It is important for our agenda to be flexible yet durable, much like our highly valued power bottoms in our community, and as such our strategies need to be too.

If we can’t get to you at one of our re-education camps we do it on the one medium with the furthest reach – your television set. For years we have influenced and colluded with studio executives through their gay personnel assistants and whether you like it or not the queers are taking over daytime and prime-time television. Soon there will not be a show on television without a like able gay character. We tested the water with one of our most senior queer operatives and today she has one of the most successful talk shows in the world. We will enlighten you, your children and your grandchildren too into liking us and there is nothing you can do to stop it. So relax that rectum, grab that lube and whiff some poppers because we are cumming for you. But don’t fret too much, we don’t want to turn you gay, not permanently anyway – you are not that hot! We still need you for other things.

You see Bryan, non-gay folks have been doing such a stellar job at producing gay babies it would be a shame and counterproductive to stop it now. Sure we can now also procreate with the help of technology but fate is a bitch with a wicket sense of humour. As hard as gay parents try we just can’t seem to make our own children gay! Many gay parents have cried themselves to sleep at night after their kids came out to them as “a straight”. It’s not the lifestyle we want for them, it's not natural, but we accept them and love them regardless. In conclusion, Bryan on behalf of all queers I would like to thank you for putting another face on homophobia and reinforcing our diligence in furthering our gay agenda. We are looking forward to be up your rectum soon!

Till next time!